


Impediment

by gemxblossom



Category: ENHYPEN (Band), I-LAND (Korea TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bangtan Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Fantasy, Friends to Lovers, Grim Reaper Jay, Grim Reaper Park Sunghoon, Grim Reapers, I-LAND, Love Triangles, M/M, Slightly aged up (they're in college), Slow Burn, non-chronological storytelling, the ground
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:27:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 91,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27093541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gemxblossom/pseuds/gemxblossom
Summary: Impediment: A hindrance or obstruction in doing somethingEvery soul who enters the Ground has an Impediment, or something that hinders them from reaching the afterlife. For most, it is relatively easy to receive the closure they need and move on to their final destination. For others, like Park Sunghoon, it's a bit harder than that. When he enters the Ground with no memories of his life or how he died, Sunghoon is unable to overcome his Impediment and becomes stuck in the Ground as a grim reaper, helping others passing through find peace. He has no hope of overcoming his fate until a certain soul comes along and turns the place upside down.While the residents of the Ground scramble to solve the mystery of how their paths are intertwined, there is more happening in the living world than what meets the eye...
Relationships: Kim Sunoo/Lee Heeseung, Kim Sunoo/Park Sunghoon, Park Jongseong | Jay/Yang Jungwon, SunSun
Comments: 116
Kudos: 198





	1. The Blue Jay

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Just like in the Bighit Universe/BTS Storyline, these are all fictionalized versions of the members.

_“I leave for a place I have never seen_   
_To a place beyond this cage_   
_I soared beyond my limits_   
_Now my feathery wings are aflame_

_My wings were the dark sky’s only light_   
_And in the darkness I danced with death_   
_I kissed the clouds and sang my heart_   
_Until I had no more breath_

_I knew I had stayed for far too long_   
_But I could not bring myself to land_   
_And at that moment, at the beginning of the end_   
_I swear I held the sun in my hands”_

* * *

**I-Land: April 20, 12:06 PM**

There’s a moment between coming out of a dream and waking up where nothing seems real, yet everything seems possible. Your mind is still foggy with remnants of dreams that blur with reality and it is easy to pretend that both worlds can coexist. How perfect would the world be if you could manifest your dreams into real life? How much easier would it be to wake up in the morning knowing that the pain of harsh reality setting in will never come?

In this particular dream, there are six other boys standing at the top of a mountain. The mountain reaches high up above everything else, so that everything surrounding them is smothered in a sea of clouds, extending as far as the eye can see. They alone are on top of the world. The summit of Earth. One boy steps forward. His facial features are murky, as they often are in dreams, but his eyes stand out clearly, piercing like an eagle’s as they survey the sky.

In his hand is a kite, a deep ocean blue, with an array of streamers flowing from its tail end. The boy brings his arm up, and the kite is swiftly released into the air. It immediately catches the wind and flies straight up, soaring above their heads and out of reach. The streamers trail behind it like the tail feathers of a bird, and before their eyes, the kite starts to beat its feathery azure wings.

In the blink of an eye, a transformation has occurred, and several pairs of eyes are now trained on the majestic blue bird, which has now spread its wings and is circling above them. While everyone else cranes their neck to watch, he looks over to where the kite was released, but the eagle eyed boy is gone. Where did he go?

The bird is flying straight upwards now, climbing and climbing without stopping with one wing outstretched towards the sky as if trying to grab a hold of the sun. The creature grows smaller and smaller as the distance between them grows, until only a dot can be seen in the sky.

 _Stop_ , he wants to say. _If you fly too high you cannot return._

As if it heard him, the bird swoops back down at the speed of light, landing neatly on his arm. When he looks up, those eagle eyes are smiling down at him. He smiles back.

For a moment, they are all together again, on top of that mountain. But like all good dreams, the fantasy starts to fade away as the clouds around them dissipate, and they can see the Earth beneath them once more.

If he could hover in that plane between dream and reality forever, he would. There was something so overwhelmingly peaceful about tiptoeing that line that once he became fully aware it was like being doused with cold water. Or like receiving a slap to the face. Which was definitely what was coming to him later because Jungwon overslept, _again._

He scrambled out of his cocoon of blankets and reached across his nightstand for his phone, quickly turning it on.

“ **Jay’s birthday!!!** ” the reminder on his lock screen read, glaring at him mockingly in bold letters. He cursed under his breath. Unlocking his phone, he frantically scrolled through his messages. Nothing. He frowned. Usually Jay would make a big deal, nagging him about why he didn’t receive a birthday message at midnight on the dot.

 _Maybe he’s still in class_ , he thought.

He sent off a quick happy birthday text, and after a moment’s thought, added “looking forward to dinner!” Heaving a deep sigh, he ran his hand through pillow matted hair. Truth be told, he was not looking forward to dinner. At all. Somehow, Jay had convinced his six friends, many of whom had not so much as passed each other on the street or made eye contact for nearly a year, to gather in the same room for a celebration. Jungwon didn’t know what exactly he was trying to achieve, but hey, Jay had said that their cooperation would count as his birthday present so at least that solved one of his problems.

Jungwon was about to get up when his phone rang, the familiar melody of "Butterfly" sung in Heeseung's breathy voice starting to play- he hadn't bothered to change it. _There it is_ , he thought, smiling to himself. He answered the call without checking the caller ID.

“Hey Jay, sorry I was late—“

“Is this the emergency contact of Nishimura Riki?” Jungwon froze. His heart leapt to his throat and he opened his mouth but no sound came out.

“Hello? May I speak to Yang Jungwon?”

He cleared his throat hastily. “Yes, I- this is him. Jungwon,” he croaked, trying and failing to sound composed. There was a pause on the other line.

“Okay, Mr. Yang. Well it appears that Riki engaged in a fight with another student-“

“Is he alright? Is he hurt?!” He blurted out. Without even thinking, Jungwon had bolted to his feet, already reaching for his keys.

“Well neither student seems to have sustained any serious injuries, but as you know violence of any sort is not tolerated on campus, so he will need to be picked up.” Jungwon exhaled heavily, some of the tension easing away.

“I’ll be there right away,” he replied shortly, and hung up. He stood there for a moment, just taking a few relaxing breaths. _He’s okay. He’s okay_. He repeated it in his head like a mantra until his heart rate slowed down and he came to his senses.

He threw his head back and groaned. The third time this year.

_This kid will be the death of me._

⥇

“What were you thinking?!”

Jungwon grabbed Niki’s chin and turned it this way and that, examining his face carefully. He huffed in relief and annoyance once he completed his inspection and discovered that aside from a small cut on his lip and a faint bruise on his cheek bone, the younger boy seemed relatively fine.

“You should see the other guy,” Niki smiled weakly. Jungwon rolled his eyes.

“Oh yeah? Did you get him good this time?” He didn’t want to indulge the bad behavior, but he currently was not in the mood nor had the strength to instigate a yelling match this time. Niki grinned.

“Nope. There’s not a scratch on him. I definitely lost this one,” he said unabashedly. Jungwon hissed and smacked his arm.

“Brat! How many times have I told you to stop going around searching for trouble? Especially if you don’t even know how to fight.”

Niki stretched his arms above his head and yawned. “I’m still a growing child. Once I reach my final form it’s over for them.”

Jungwon turned fully towards him, a serious expression on his face now. “I’m serious Niki. I’m a student too, and I’ve got a schedule. I can’t keep coming to collect you like this.”

“You don’t even have to pick me up, they just call you every time cause they’re dramatic like that,” Niki whined.

The thing is, Jungwon _didn’t_ have to be responsible for Niki. The boy had parents too, but for whatever reason at the start of his senior year in high school he had put down Jungwon’s number as his emergency contact. Jungwon knew things weren’t great at home, but until Niki decided to open up he wasn’t going to pry. And despite all his lecturing, Jungwon would be more than ready to drop everything for Niki at any given second.

“Put on your seatbelt, kid. Let’s go get waffles.”

They drove in silence, with Niki turned away from him, staring out the passenger window. Niki probably had plenty on his mind, and a lot of it most likely had to do with the dinner tonight. As apprehensive as Jungwon was about it, he couldn’t even imagine what Niki could be feeling. And if he happened to have driven by a small convenience store on the way to pick Niki up and thought that he caught a glimpse of Kim Sunoo through the shop window he didn’t dare mention it. Jungwon cleared his throat awkwardly.

“So… have you talked to Jay today?” They were stopped at a traffic light, so Jungwon thought he might as well bring up the elephant in the room to dispel the tense silence in the car. Niki didn’t turn away from the window, but sat up straight suddenly. As Jungwon looked over at the boy curiously, Niki rolled down the window all the way and poked his head out.

Confused, Jungwon looked over to see what had caught the boy’s attention. They were stopped beside a large, multi-story building, which also happened to be the dance studio where they had all met, with the exception of Niki. Of course, the sight of the studio always came with a rush of nostalgia for Jungwon, but he couldn’t understand the reaction Niki was having. As far as he knew, Niki had never stepped foot inside the building.

“Niki?”

“Is that. Is that Jay?” Niki turned to him with wide eyes. Jungwon furrowed his brow.

“What?” Niki pointed out the window and up, up, up with a shaking finger. Jungwon leaned over and followed his line of sight, not sure what he was expecting to see.

And there he was. Standing atop the roof of a five story building was Jay, unmoving. It was hard to make out the expression on his face from the distance but it was unmistakable that it was Jay who was currently perched dangerously close to the edge. He was wearing his lucky shirt, the same one he wore every year on his birthday without fail. The striking blue jersey adorned with the embroidered bird was unmissable, and the memory of Jay whistling to the others and calling for all his “blue-jays” to gather round for cake echoed in his ears. Jungwon’s mind went blank.

“What the hell is he doing?” Niki muttered. Indeed, what the hell.

Ever since they had split off from the rest of the group, Jungwon had tried to assume the role of the older brother figure for Niki. Jay was there for them too of course, but as someone who was desperately attempting to play mediator, his focus was more divided. So whenever Niki needed him, Jungwon was there. Whenever Niki had a question, Jungwon always seemed to be the one able to pull an answer from the air. But as the two boys gazed up at their friend, in a position that implied something neither of them wanted to think about, Jungwon for once had no answer to give.

The next few seconds of his life happened in slow motion. Like the moments between coming out of a dream and waking up, where nothing seems real, yet anything is possible, Jungwon was suspended in time, stuck between a nightmare and reality. He himself stayed frozen in place as everything erupted around him. He saw, rather than heard Niki yell out for Jay, and watched as the boy ever so slowly started to fall.

With blank eyes he watched the outstretched blue sleeves of a lucky shirt flutter in the wind, and couldn’t help but think of a bird in flight.

\---

**The Ground**

Park Sunghoon hated children. He decided this as he stared into the wide innocent eyes of the little girl standing before him, grimacing at the little wobble of her lip. No, he wasn’t heartless, although he very well wished he was. It was very likely that he had not hated children at all at some point; when he was still alive, that is. However, in his line of work, encountering children didn’t exactly evoke feelings of delight and adoration.

Which led to the other thing Sunghoon hated: his job. The thing is, being a grim reaper wasn’t at all what it was made out to be in books and films. They weren’t some dreadful ghostly figures who went around leading pitiful souls to their death. Truthfully, Sunghoon thought he was the pitiful one.

The girl stared up at him, still standing inside the giant egg-shaped capsule which served as the doorway between destinations. He stared down at her and cleared his throat.

“Hello, what is your impediment?” He recited monotonously. Horrifyingly, the girl looked even closer to tears after he spoke.

“W-what?”

 _You can’t just speak to kids like you would everyone else_ , he remembered his partner reminding him. _You have to dumb it down for them. Also, you have a scary face_. _You should look into that._ Sunghoon wasn’t sure what to do about his “scary” face, but he tried to think of words a child would understand.

“Uh… is there anything you want to do before you leave.” He gulped and contorted his face into what he hoped looked like a reassuring smile, “Sweetie…?”

“Mom,” the girl mumbled under her breath, looking down. She didn’t elaborate further, but Sunghoon understood what she meant. He actually knew exactly what her final act of closure would be, as it was listed on her name card, but it was usually better to let the soul come to terms with it themselves. Or so he’d been told. He had never had the opportunity to resolve his own impediment, or even find out what it was, hence why he was stuck here helping other souls pass on while he retained no memory of his life.

It was a blessing and a curse that he had no memories. He was one of the few souls who came into the Ground with no recollection of anything or any idea of what their impediment could be, which contributed to him being trapped in the Ground. On the one hand, not remembering meant he had no regrets or worries about what could’ve happened. He would go crazy in this place if he did. But the other part of him longed to know; who had he been? What had he accomplished? Who had he known? What people had he loved, as dearly as this girl loved her mother, so dearly that she couldn’t continue on to her final destination until she saw that person one last time?

“Okay,” Sunghoon said. He laid a hand on the girl’s back, guiding her forward. “Let’s go.” He stepped into the doorway, joining her. The Egg started slowly turning until the Ground faded out of sight, and they were thrown into darkness. For a moment, there was only pitch-black, and the girl whimpered. Sunghoon squeezed her shoulder. “Almost there,” he said quietly.

Little by little, the entrance of the egg was exposed once more, as they arrived at the new location. Together, they stepped out into what was clearly a cemetery plot. They were completely alone, save for one woman in the distance who was bent over weeping.

“Mommy!” The girl took off running, with Sunghoon following close behind. She crouched beside her mother, running her hands over her shoulders and trying to grab her hands.

“She can’t see or feel you,” Sunghoon informed her carefully. The girl took this surprisingly well and simply sniffed and nodded, gently stroking and patting her mother‘s hair. Sunghoon noticed the bouquet that was placed at the foot of the grave. The color stood out against the dreary background, and something about the sight of them had an immediate calming effect on him.

“Are daffodils your favorite flower?” He surprised himself by willingly asking the young soul a question. The girl turned to him and nodded timidly.

“I like yellow,” she whispered. A ghost of a smile passed over the grim reaper’s face.

“Me too." He didn't know why he said it. It wasn't something he had even known about himself, or cared. But affirming it out loud felt natural, like he was speaking a simple truth. If only he could remember something other than his favorite color, he'd be set. 

“Please,” the woman whimpered, grabbing both of their attention. “Take me instead.”

Now Sunghoon wasn’t sure if she could somehow sense him there, or if she was just pleading to whatever deity she believed in, but it was far beyond his abilities to trade lives. Even if he could, he wouldn’t want to. Maybe it was because Sunghoon had no memory of caring for anyone, but he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to give your life for someone else’s.

The girl placed her hand comfortingly on her mother’s cheek. The sobs subsided. “I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you,” the girl replied tearily. And almost as if she could sense the reply in the air, the woman smiled. Sunghoon turned away.

Sometime later, he felt a tug on his sleeve. He looked down. “Ready?” The girl nodded.

“Wait,” she said, grabbing hold of his sleeve again. “After I go, can you send my mom a sign?” Sunghoon looked at her questioningly. “My mommy said that when her mommy died, she sent her a rainbow so she knew she was still there!”

He quirked an eyebrow. Either this girl’s mother had made up some touching anecdote or it was pure coincidence, because he was pretty positive that grim reapers weren't capable of controlling the weather. 

“Umm I don’t know if that’s possible,” he said awkwardly. The girl only stared up at him with wide eyes and he sighed, hating children more than ever. “Fine. I’ll see what I can do,” he added begrudgingly. And maybe it was worth it to see that pout turn into a beam. Maybe.

The Egg reappeared again in the distance, this time emanating a soft glow. “Go ahead,” he told her.

“Aren’t you coming with me?” She asked innocently. Sunghoon winced. _Children ask too many questions._

“No, this is a special place where only you can go. This is as far as I can come.” The truth of it resonated as a dull pang in his heart, but he had long since accepted his fate.

For the millionth time, he watched as another soul stepped into the unknown without him. The Egg glowed brightly, blinding him for a second, then vanished. After she had disappeared he scoffed to himself. Sunghoon hated making promises, and even more so, he hated making empty ones.

_What type of sign am I supposed to send?_

He looked back at the mother, who was now smiling peacefully.

“Rest, my little butterfly.”

\---

**I-Land: April 20, 1:12 PM**

Sunoo was having one of the best days he could remember having in a long time. When he had gotten the invite from Jay, he’d been ecstatic. Despite everything, he couldn’t contain his excitement at the idea of having the whole group back together again. He was well aware that his friends didn’t share this sentiment, but he mostly thought they were just being overprotective.

Sunoo was not one to hold a grudge, ever, and the fact that the silence had stretched on this long could be accredited mostly to his friends who still had hard feelings between them. Especially Heeseung, he thought. Sunoo hummed as he browsed the selection of snacks in the store, debating between ramen or rice cakes. He had been planning to save his stomach for dinner but he was a snacker at heart, and couldn’t help but stop for a quick bite to satiate himself throughout the day.

“Sunoo? Is this the brand you like?” Sunoo startled and turned around. He looked down at the slender white hands presenting him with a brightly labeled container of instant noodles. He smiled.

“How did you know?” he asked, happily grabbing the package from the other boy. As he turned around to pay, the flash of a familiar car outside the window caught his eye as it sped by. He tilted his head. “Jungwonie?” he muttered.

He hadn’t seen the younger boy in a long time, far too long. Even after the incident, Sunoo didn’t think there was any bad blood between them. They’d been close, but Jungwon would always be loyal to Niki, who he saw as a younger brother. And if keeping his distance was what that entailed, then Sunoo understood.

“Excuse me?” Sunoo spun around to face the cashier who was looking at him expectantly.

“Ah sorry,” he flushed apologetically, hurriedly placing the ramen on the counter and pulling out his wallet. A hand on his wrist stopped him.

“Let me,” the boy said, already reaching for his own pocket.

“No hyung, I got it really,” he protested. Before he could argue any further, the door to the store opened with a slam.

For some people in traumatic situations, time slows down, with every second ticking by painfully, as the moment drags on seemingly forever. For Sunoo, the events leading up to the end felt like an unprocessed blur, as if someone had pressed pause on a happy moment in his life and fast forwarded to the tragic ending.

Three heads turned towards the sound of the door banging open, and the girl working behind the counter immediately dropped to the floor, out of sight. Sunoo understood why when he spotted the glint of metal from the weapon the man who had just entered was carrying. He slowly raised his hands above his head, his whole body quivering like a leaf. His eyes were fixed on the gun, but all he could focus on was the presence of the person standing behind him.

He squeezed his eyes shut. There was a ringing in his ears that drowned out everything else. He quickly realized that having your eyes closed in the presence of a very angry, very armed person was a bad idea and opened his eyes again. He could see that the man was furiously demanding something, looking over Sunoo's shoulder and brandishing the gun around wildly.

“W-what? What do you want?” he whispered. He couldn’t even hear himself over the blood rushing in his ears. He didn’t even know if he had made a sound. It was like he was hearing everything that was going on around him from underwater. 

It looked as though the man had finally lost his patience; Sunoo could see him lift his arm and point the gun straight at him. He felt his heart racing, ready to explode out of his chest. His heart seemed to know he was in danger; but for some reason, his mind was calm.

They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. That didn’t happen for Sunoo. Instead he recalled a single moment from his childhood, the time his mother had told him about unconditional love. When you love someone that much, she had said, their life is greater than your own. You would give it up to protect them with no hesitation. It’s not something you can understand until you have a child yourself one day.

At the time, Sunoo had agreed. It was a funny thing, he had thought, loving someone more than yourself. Despite his occasional dip in self esteem, he knew how to treasure himself, and couldn’t imagine anything more precious than his own life.

So why wouldn’t his feet move?

A finger moved to the trigger.

_Mom, I understand now._

“Sunoo!” The yell came from behind him.

 _That’s funny_ , he thought. _Everything is silent, but I can hear you._

The last thing Sunoo heard was that boy’s voice and a loud _bang_ and then, nothing.

\---

**The Ground**

“I have to say Sunghoon, as dry as you are sometimes, you’ve turned out to be my greatest source of entertainment in this place.”

That was the greeting Sunghoon got as he strolled back into the Ground, out of breath. He responded with a scowl. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” He shot his partner a glare. If looks could kill… the other grim reaper would be even more dead than he already was. Although Sunghoon had to admit that despite being a pain in the neck sometimes, it was better than working completely alone. So he made do with the company he had been given.

“I just spent the better part of an hour watching you chase around a butterfly. Ah, I always knew you were a child at heart,” his friend explained with a smirk. Sunghoon was really starting to regret the “friend” title he had recently given the other after weeks of nagging.

“First of all, what did I say about slacking off?”

“I’m your senior-”

“By an hour!”

“Ah don’t worry, I took an unpaid break.”

“All your work is unpaid,” Sunghoon grumbled.

“Yes, but the joy of seeing you prancing around like an idiot? Priceless.”

Sunghoon reached over and grabbed a fistful of Jay’s hair without hesitation, knowing he couldn’t really hurt him. He tugged on it childishly and the other retaliated by hooking a leg around Sunghoon’s ankle and bringing them both tumbling down. Jay’s defense backfired when he hit his head loudly on the edge of their desk with a loud “ _Ack!_ ”, upsetting the pile of neatly stacked envelopes. The namecards went flying everywhere, and Sunghoon groaned from where he lay half-pinned by his idiot partner.

“Get off me,” he grunted. Jay clambered off him looking remorseful. As Sunghoon brushed off his clothes, Jay scooped up an envelope that had fluttered to the ground next to him, eyeing it curiously.

“Have you looked at this one yet?” Jay asked. Sunghoon shrugged without glancing over.

“Desk was empty when I left, probably got a new batch while I was working,” he answered distractedly, still trying to straighten his coat. 

“Sunghoon, I think you should take a look.”

The uncharacteristically serious tone from the other grim reaper gave him pause. He squinted over at Jay, who was holding the envelope in question between two fingers as if it would burst into flames at any minute, even eyeing it distastefully. Jay flipped the envelope over, so Sunghoon could read the front.

“Look familiar?”

In bold red letters, the envelope had been stamped, “ ** _Special Case._** ” The sight sent a chill through Sunghoon’s spine. He had an idea of what the stamp meant, but he wasn’t keen on confirming his theory.

“Do you wanna see what it says?” Jay asked.

“No,” Sunghoon replied quickly. “We can save it for later.”

“And I suppose that has nothing to do with this big scary label here.” Jay dangled the envelope around mockingly.

“If you want to take the case by yourself, be my guest,” Sunghoon snapped. “It’ll make up for your ‘unpaid break.’” Jay cackled and tossed the envelope towards Sunghoon.

“No way, the last special case name card I saw was my own, and look how that turned out,” he sniffed. “Just open it and get it over with.”

 _Mine too_ , Sunghoon thought. If this card looked anything like his or Jay’s, this was going to be the most complicated case they had ever received. His hands were trembling as he picked at the wax seal and flipped open the envelope. Unexplained dread rose up within him as he slowly slid the name card out. He stared down at it wordlessly.

“Well? What does it say?”  
Sunghoon let out a shaky breath and read aloud.

**Kim Sunoo**   
**Destination: The Ground**   
**Cause of Death: Murder**   
**Impediment: N/A**


	2. Just a Shell

_“Do not stand at my grave and weep_   
_I am not there, I do not sleep_   
_I am a thousand winds that blow_   
_I am the diamond glint on snow_

_I am the sunlight on ripened grain_   
_I am the gentle autumn rain_   
_When you wake in the morning hush_   
_I am the swift, uplifting rush_

_Of quiet birds in circling flight_   
_I am the soft starlight at night_   
_Do not stand at my grave and weep_   
_I am not there, I do not sleep_

_Do not stand at my grave and cry  
I am not there, I did not die_ _”_

* * *

**I-Land: June 16th**

Jungwon did not consider himself a stalker. He saw stories on his newsfeed all the time, about crazy fans tracking down their celebrity idols, leaking their location and mobbing them with cameras. He had a high level of contempt for those types of people, and did not want to be associated with them in any way. His way of thinking was that if you really care about someone, you should give them the space and privacy that they deserve. Right?

Well. Jungwon’s current actions were contradicting that very sentiment, as he was currently stalking someone he cared very deeply about. He didn’t even like using the term “stalker” but he was feeling every inch of the label as he tugged a black cap down over his eyes and slipped his mask over his nose.

It wasn’t like he looked too out of place. Lots of people dressed in all black in the middle of summer. However, there were probably fewer who walked around suspiciously hunched over, stopping every now and then to make sure they weren’t being discovered. 

No, Jungwon wasn’t proud of what he was doing. But he considered this his last resort, after the last few nights of Niki showing up to crash at his dorm, with various parts of him bruised up and bleeding. It’s not like he was going to confront him- just follow from a safe distance to make sure he wasn’t getting up to any trouble. 

He was currently leaning against the wall outside the convenience store Niki had just entered, waiting for the boy to emerge. He bounced his foot up and down, feeling anxious. Was he being too much? Surely there was no justification for following around the poor boy who was just trying to pick up some groceries. He leaned over and peered through the window. A few moments later, he saw Niki emerge from the aisles with his arms loaded with packaged foods and snacks. 

He patiently waited for the boy to pay and come out, ready to give up the whole charade. To his surprise, Niki merely glanced over at the counter where the cashier was seemingly absent at the moment and headed straight for the door. Jungwon quickly whipped around, pressing his back to the wall once more.

As soon as Niki exited the store, Jungwon lunged forward and grabbed him by the arm. The younger boy jumped, letting out a small cry, and dropped everything he was carrying. 

“Jungwon hyung?! What are you doing here?” He immediately bent down to start picking up the things he’d dropped. Jungwon dropped down to his knees and grabbed the food out of his hands.

“What do you think you’re doing? Since when are you a thief, Niki?” The boy averted his eyes, opening his mouth hesitantly to reply. 

The door of the store burst open, and a large man stalked towards them, looking furious.

“I’m going to have to call the police on you two for shoplifting.” Jungwon gaped.

“I wasn’t- I was just-” The man looked him up and down, eyebrows raised. Jungwon suddenly remembered his suspicious attire and the fact that he currently had his hands full of the stolen goods. He let the ramen drop to the ground. Of course, karma was out to get him for sneaking around. Of course. Beside him, Niki was staring guiltily at his knees. 

The man grunted impatiently and pulled out his phone.

“Wait!! Can I have a phone call?”

⥇

“Yes, I’m their older brother. I’m sorry for any trouble they might have caused. I can assure you it won’t happen again, and I’ll of course pay for everything that was taken.” The owner of the store didn’t look completely convinced but he sighed heavily as if he didn’t have the energy to argue.

“Fine, take them and go. But don’t come back here again.”

Heeseung bowed to the man for the tenth time and pulled out a wad of bills that Jungwon was sure covered more than double the cost of the food. The man counted the money, looking appeased, and waved them away. Heeseung grasped the boys firmly by their collars and led them out of the store. 

Once they were outside, Jungwon turned to Heeseung nervously.

“Thank you for coming… I didn’t know who else to call.”

Heeseung ignored him and turned to Niki, who withered under his stare.

“Look," he said. Jungwon winced at his tone, already fearing what would come out of his mouth next. "We’ve obviously all been through some shit. But look at yourself,” he spat. “It’s been two months, and you’re still acting like this. I may not be around to babysit you, but don’t think I haven’t heard about your little extracurricular activities. Can’t you respect the dead by not trying to get yourself killed too?” he ranted. 

Jungwon tried to put a calming hand on his arm but was shaken off. Niki’s eyes were cast down, his head hanging low. He fidgeted with his bangs, pulling them low over his forehead as if it would help conceal the glaringly obvious black eye he was sporting. 

Heeseung’s nostrils were flared, a telltale sign that always gave away when he was especially pissed off. Which didn’t happen often, although it seemed to be more common these days- like he was a ticking time bomb, waiting to go off at any moment. 

For a second, he looked like he was about to turn and leave the two of them standing there, but stopped in the motion. He looked back at Niki with hardened eyes. Jungwon steeled himself.

“We all miss Jay. But while you’re mourning the death of one friend, I have to mourn two.”

The harsh words cut through the air like a knife. Jungwon’s eyes snapped to his friend, who, once upon a time, would never be able to say such a cruel thing to anyone.

“Heeseung!” He hissed. The older boy flicked his eyes away, looking almost guilty, but said nothing.

Jungwon placed a comforting hand on Niki’s waist, who was now breathing heavily. “Go wait in the car,” he murmured. Niki nodded, still looking down, and turned to leave. He halted in his tracks, and without turning, spoke in a low, broken voice.

“He was my friend too, you know.” And without waiting for an answer, he left.

Jungwon looked at Heeseung, who seemed to be gearing up for an argument. Instead, Jungwon addressed him softly.

“You know that he misses both of them. He misses Sunoo too.” 

Heeseung’s features hardened once more, and he replied stonily, “Well maybe he should’ve reached out when he had the chance.”

“You didn’t exactly make that easy, did you?” Jungwon reminded him. Heeseung flushed, though whether it was out of shame or anger, Jungwon couldn't be sure.

“You know,” Jungwon started. “That day when everything fell apart. When you and Niki were going at each other, and both of you were saying horrible things.” Heeseung winced at the memory. “Both of you were being awful, but you said something to him… do you remember? You said that he was going to hell, and at the time I thought, how could he say such a thing?” Jungwon took a deep breath and continued.

“But now with everything that’s happened… Heeseung, I think if there is a hell, we’re all living in it.” 

\---

**The Ground**

Sunghoon’s gut was churning with anxiety as he and Jay stood in front of the Egg, waiting for the arrival of their expected newcomer. Aside from their own name cards, they had never come across another special case until now. There was only one job that Sunghoon had received that had been particularly out of the ordinary. And that… hadn’t ended well. The memory did nothing to soothe the grim reaper’s nerves.

Jay was, for lack of a better word, hyper. Unlike Sunghoon, who could barely manage to unclench his jaw, Jay was mindlessly babbling and letting loose a stream of speculations about the new soul. Things like “what do you think he’s like?” or “why do you think someone killed him?” or “do you think he’ll remember anything?” That last one was the exact thought that had Sunghoon’s stomach in turmoil. 

What _if_ he was like them? If he didn’t remember anything, had no clue how he died, and had no idea how to move on- would he be stuck here like them? Or would he eventually disappear, fade away into nothing? All of these thoughts grinded to a halt when the Egg gave a lurch and slowly started rotating.

“Shut up!” Sunghoon hissed at Jay, who wouldn’t stop talking, unaware of the new development.

“Why are you so nervous? This isn’t like you,” his partner retorted.

“He’s coming.” 

Both boys fell quiet as the opening of the Egg came into view and inch by inch, the soul of a boy that looked to be around their age was revealed. His expression was quite comical, his eyes open wide with surprise and his hands clasped over his mouth. They heard him emit a muffled gasp. Before they could say anything, he stumbled forward into the room, looking around wildly. 

“What is this place?” He demanded of no one in particular, his gaze passing right over Sunghoon and Jay in favor of surveying the room. They watched as he silently took it in. Sunghoon didn’t remember what his first impression of the Ground had been. He had probably been too in his head to be aware of his surroundings. The building consisted of one large room, with all four walls, ceiling, and floor made of a material that looked and felt like black marble.

The color sucked all the light out of everything, and made the room look smaller than it really was. The only thing that stood out were the golden color of the Egg and the gilded desk that was placed on the left side of the room. On the right side wall was a large rectangular window that served as their only source of light. It was their window to the worlds outside of the Ground; it was currently in its resting state so all that was projected was the golden light that Sunghoon would only see brief flashes of when a soul stepped into the Egg for the final time.

It was this window that Sunoo’s eyes finally settled on. He froze.

“You’re dead,” Sunghoon stated bluntly. He liked to get to the point. Sunoo didn’t move.

“Dead?” He said slowly. “Then… where am I? Is this the afterlife?” He asked in a breathy voice, his eyes still trained on the golden light. He sounded amazed rather than sorrowful at the revelation that he was no longer alive, and Sunghoon wondered just how much of the events before his death he remembered, if his reaction was this unaffected. Jay stole an awkward glance at Sunghoon. 

“Uh, not exactly.” The boy, Kim Sunoo, whipped around to finally look at Jay. He lowered his tone.

“Are you an angel?” He asked seriously. All traces of shock and anxiety were absent from his tone, and his eyes looked completely enchanted. 

Jay smirked and opened his mouth, about to reply.

“Actually, he’s a demon,” Sunghoon cut in. Sunoo seemed to take the grim reaper seriously, and his eyes grew impossibly wider. His lips twisted into a pout. 

“Then,” he whispered. “Am I in hell?” Well. As offensive as that assumption was, at least he wasn’t acting so nonchalant about the whole situation anymore. Although Sunghoon had the nagging suspicion that the soul was more intrigued by the idea than truly frightened. Just who on earth was this boy? 

“I can understand why you might feel that way,” Sunghoon said in commiseration. “But things are a lot more peaceful when he’s not around, don’t worry.”

“A lot more BORING, you mean,” Jay huffed crossly. Sunoo eyed him curiously, sizing him up as though he was still debating over whether he really was an angel or a demon. He carried out this inspection with the casual air of someone who was trying to decide which brand of cereal to buy.

“Let’s just get down to business, shall we?” Sunghoon wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. He pulled out the newcomer’s name card to read off of and made the mistake of looking up at him. He froze when he noticed Sunoo’s gaze trained on him. Their eyes made direct contact for the first time, and Sunghoon felt an inexplicable shiver run through him. It only lasted for a second, and the strange chill that had overtaken his body dissipated as quickly as it had come. Sunoo however, kept staring. Sunghoon vaguely observed that the boy had pretty eyes, narrow and slanted at the corners like a fox. This was a completely objective observation, of course. 

“What?” Sunghoon asked, shifting uncomfortably under the strange soul’s stare.

“You’re pretty handsome for an evil spirit,” the boy answered straightforwardly. Jay coughed loudly in what sounded suspiciously like a smothered laugh. Sunghoon gaped while Jay took the opportunity to step in. 

“We’re not actually evil spirits, Kim Sunoo. We’re grim reapers, and we’re here to help you reach your destination,” Jay explained while Sunghoon struggled to compose himself. “Basically, we’ll help you resolve the biggest regret you had before you died so that you can hopefully move on.”

Sunoo’s gaze flicked over to the glowing window while he nodded along, taking in the information surprisingly calmly. “So this is…”

“The Ground,” Jay supplied. “It’s sort of the middle ground between places. Neither here nor there if you will. Until you resolve your impediment, you’re bound here. But don’t worry! If you just tell us how to help you, it’ll make our jobs a lot easier and you can leave sooner,” he explained.

Sunoo didn’t meet their eyes. “The Ground,” he repeated to himself. He perked up. “Can I get a tour, Mr. Grim Reapers?” He said with a bright smile, his cheeks instantly dimpling. Sunghoon and Jay shared an incredulous look, wondering where exactly this soul got his energy from. 

“No need to be so formal, it’s just Jay around here.” Sunghoon had to watch in real time as Jay quickly melted in the presence of the soul’s dimples. Weak. “Sometimes I also go by idiot,” he added as an afterthought, jerking his head towards Sunghoon. Sunoo directed his focus back to the quieter grim reaper, his eyes expectant.

“You don’t need to call me by anything,” Sunghoon said gruffly. He spun on his heel and made towards the desk. “If the soul wants a tour, give him one,” he told Jay with his back to them. 

“I’m called Sunoo!” The soul informed him cheerfully, not seeming the least put off by the grim reaper’s icy disposition. 

“Well,” Jay said. “I don’t know how long your case will take, but I guess I can give you a tour before we get into the complicated stuff.” 

Sunoo beamed, and Jay noticed his eyes forming crescents at the action. Something in him softened. This boy seemed young and innocent, not at all afraid of where he was or what would happen. He just smiled like everything would be alright if he did so. Jay wilted as the information he had about Sunoo’s death came to mind.

There wasn’t much to show the boy; he pointed back at the Egg the soul had emerged from and explained that it was their mode of transportation. 

There wasn’t much to show on the desk either, since Sunghoon and Jay had completed all their other pending cases, having saved Sunoo for last. “This is where we receive name cards, which assign us souls to go collect and assist,” Jay explained briefly. 

Sunoo hummed with interest but seemed distracted. “Where did the other Mr. Grim Reaper go?” Jay just then noticed that his partner had, in fact, disappeared.

“Oh, Sunghoon? He probably scampered off to his room to sulk.” Sunoo looked at the wall opposite from the Egg. He hadn’t noticed it before, but there was a small entrance leading to what seemed to be a hallway. It was hard to tell, because the black on black just made everything look like a dark void.

“Room?” He asked.

“Yeah, I can show you around later. We only have two rooms for the two of us, but hopefully you won’t need to stay long enough to need one,” Jay said lightly. Sunoo thought about what he had been told earlier. The quicker he told them what his biggest regret is, the sooner they could help him and be done with it. 

Jay noticed that the soul suddenly looked quite uncomfortable. Instead of the blinding smile Jay had already registered as a permanent fixture on Sunoo’s face, his small mouth had pulled into a grimace.

“See the thing is…” He trailed off, avoiding Jay’s eyes. “I, um. I actually don’t really remember anything? Like I don’t remember dying. So this was kind of a surprise trip for me,” he chuckled dryly. His awkward confession was met with silence. He nervously looked up at the grim reaper from under his eyelashes. 

Jay didn’t look surprised at all. He didn’t look angry either, and some of the tension eased out of Sunoo’s shoulders. However, his features were twisted in confusion. Of all the questions Sunoo expected to come out of his mouth, what Jay asked next surprised him.

“If you don’t remember dying, how are you so relaxed? And happy? You don't seem in shock at all,” Jay remarked with a frown. Sunoo blinked. Was he happy? He didn’t think so. He had died after all, but what use was there crying about it? So he just fell back into his default demeanor, but he didn’t think it would come across like he was cheerful about the situation. He opened his mouth to tell Jay this, when they were interrupted. 

Sunghoon came striding out of the dark corridor, wrapped in a thick black trenchcoat. He spared Jay only a cursory glance. 

“I’m going out to clear my head,” he announced. Sunoo smiled at him. Sunghoon didn’t look at him.

“No, I’m afraid you’re not,” Jay said gravely. Mihai paused, frowning at his partner with a question in his eyes. Sunoo was beginning to figure out that just like smiling was his default expression, Sunghoon’s was a downturned mouth and furrowed brow. 

“We have a problem.”

⥇

“Maybe if we try meditation he’ll remember.”

Sunghoon looked at him incredulously. 

“ _Meditation?”_

“Yup,” Jay said. They were all gathered in Jay’s room sitting cross-legged on the floor. For the past hour, they’d been brainstorming ways to jog Sunoo’s memory. They’d grilled him with about a thousand questions before they finally admitted that Sunoo was just as clueless as they had been when they entered the Ground. 

“Close your eyes and let all your thoughts empty out of your head,” Jay instructed. Sunoo closed his eyes obediently. Sunghoon squinted at Jay.

“Since when are you an expert on this?”

“I learned some breathing techniques at this yoga class I went to,” Jay said proudly. He blinked at the other two boys who were currently looking at him like he had grown a second head. “What?” He asked innocently.

Sunghoon pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jay,” he began. “You can’t even remember how you died, how in the world do you remember some yoga class you were in??” Jay’s eyes widened. 

“Oh,” he answered dumbly. “Um… I was…” he trailed off, mumbling the rest of his sentence incoherently.

_“What?”_ If possible, Jay turned even redder than he was before.

“I was spying on a class last week,” he repeated more clearly, still under his breath. Sunoo looked at him.

“Jay hyung,” he said seriously. “Are you a pervert?” Jay began spluttering.

“What- No, of course not! I told you guys I was learning breathing techniques!” He protested.

“Jay. We don’t. Even. Breathe,” Sunghoon cut in exasperatedly. 

“Oh, well then why are we doing this?” Jay asked dumbly.

“You were the one who suggested- is he always like this?!” Sunoo cried out, showing his first signs of exasperation since he arrived. Sunghoon nodded solemnly while Jay patted Sunoo on the shoulder in what seemed to be an attempt at a reassuring gesture. 

“Sunoo, don’t get yourself down just yet. Look at it this way-” he paused, thinking. “Is being a grim reaper really that bad?” Sunoo glared at him. 

“Yes,” Sunghoon deadpanned. Sunghoon couldn’t help but feel a tinge of amusement at seeing a look other than happy or endearing cross the other soul’s face. His partner really did bring out the Sunghoon in everyone. Jay rolled his eyes.

“Come on, how bad can it be when you have me?” He grinned cheekily, leaning in close to him.

Sunghoon roughly pushed his face away with a snort. “That’s exactly why I hate it,” he said. He turned to Sunoo, ignoring Jay’s insulted grumbling.

“Try to think. An impediment could be anything. Any last big or small regret that you just can’t get past. Maybe something you’ve always wanted to do, or just some little thing that you never accomplished on the day you died.” He tried not to let the annoyance and desperation he was feeling color his words, but the last thing he needed was another soul to be stuck here with for eternity.

Sunoo blinked frustratedly, wracking his brain and coming up blank yet again. “I told you already I can’t remember anything though,” he whined. “What kind of thing would I regret?” 

“It could be regretting not seeing a loved one for the last time, or never visiting a place you wanted to go to, or I don’t know, never having your first kiss,” Jay suggested.

“How exactly would you be able to resolve that?” Sunghoon laughed. 

Jay was stumped for words. “Well… I guess you couldn’t,” he admitted.

Sunghoon snickered. “Well at least now we know why _you’re_ stuck here.”

“Hey! I’m just spitting out ideas here! I mean to me, it’s kind of obvious what it is based on his name card,” Jay said. 

“My name card?” Sunoo whipped his head around, looking back and forth between the two grim reapers. "What’s that? What’s on it?”

Sunghoon looked at Jay disbelievingly. “You didn’t show him?”

“He just got here,” Jay said defensively. “I was giving him the tour, and- wait, you’re the one who has it, why are you putting this on me!” Sunghoon groaned and reached into his pocket where he had tucked the name card earlier before storming into his room and leaving Jay and the soul to their own devices. 

“He can’t remember anything, so of course he doesn’t know. It’s obviously related to how he died though, if you ask me. It’s a classic ‘find the one who hath done me wrong’ type plot,” Jay said thoughtfully.

“Can someone tell me what’s going on?” Sunoo interjected. For the first time since he arrived, he looked frustrated. Jay looked at him. Sunoo thought he saw something like pity in his eyes. It made him uneasy. 

“Sunoo,” he said. “You were murdered.”

\---

**I-Land: June 20th**

Heeseung hesitated, his fingers poised over his phone. After the last conversation they had, he was hesitant about contacting Jungwon, and he knew that wherever Jungwon went, Niki would follow, something he was even less keen about. He reminded himself that this wasn’t about him. 

He quickly punched out the digits of the number he knew like the back of his hand. The phone rang. Once. Twice. Heeseung waited with baited breath, and on the fourth ring, was ready to end the call and pretend it had never happened. 

“Hello?” Heeseung’s eyebrows shot up. For a second he was at a loss for words. He hadn’t planned this far, assuming that he wouldn’t even get to this point.

“Jungwon,” he hesitated, not knowing how to phrase his proposition. “Me and Jake are going out later. To visit Sunoo. And if you want, well you can come.” He winced at his awkwardness. There was silence on the other end, save for the sound of a faint voice asking a question in the distance. 

"It's Heeseung hyung," Jungwon replied to the voice. Heeseung waited for Jungwon to continue, but he lapsed back into silence.

Had he been wrong to ask? There wasn’t any reason to say no, right? It wasn’t like he was arranging a casual hang out, or expecting anything to be back to normal. And from what Jungwon had claimed during their last talk, he would have thought that he and Niki would want to be there. He frowned, waiting for the answer, as the silence stretched on and on.

Finally, there was a faint crackling on the phone, and then Jungwon spoke. 

“I can’t.”

Heeseung’s lips parted in a silent oh. As apprehensive as he had been about calling, he hadn't prepared himself for the possibility of an outright rejection.

“Why not?” he asked, his tone bordering on frustration. There was a hiccup. Then, sniffling. Was Jungwon _crying_? 

“I was there,” Jungwon said in an almost whisper, his voice cracking harshly. Heeseung stared blankly at the wall.

“There? Where?” The conversation was getting more confusing and complicated than he ever could have imagined. Jungwon was full on crying now, his sobs getting louder and louder. 

“That day, I saw him. Sunoo, in the store. I was on the way to Niki’s school and I _saw_ him, and I didn’t do anything. And then, not even an hour later! How can I show my face in front of him?” Jungwon’s voice was shrill now.

Heeseung remained frozen in place, trying to process what he had just heard. His eyes slid over to his nightstand, where he had kept the same newspaper open to the same page for the last two months.

**Armed Robbery in Convenience Store Near College Campus** , read the headline.

_On April 20th, at 1:15 pm, a college student was fatally shot…_

_I was there,_ Jungwon had said. 

_And where were you, Heeseung?_ The voice in his head challenged. 

Jungwon was blaming himself for not doing anything. He wanted to laugh. What could he possibly have done? It was morbidly funny, he thought to himself, that his friend was blaming himself for Heeseung's sin. It was Heeseung that had had the power to prevent something that day, but he had failed. It should have been him. _It should have been him._

And here he was, villainizing his friends, one of whom was beating himself up with guilt. Jungwon, who had done nothing wrong, was crying to him, and what could he even say? He was the one who shouldn’t dare show his face there. Because it should have been him in the store getting hurt, not anybody else. It could have been, except he had failed. The one promise he had made to himself that he swore never to break was to protect his friends, and he couldn’t even do that properly.

“Heeseung? Say something,” the boy on the phone begged, bringing him back to reality.

“It’s okay,” Heeseung said hollowly. “There was nothing you could have done.”

And he hung up.

\---

**The Ground**

Sunoo and Sunghoon exited the fourth bakery they’d been to that day. Not because they were hungry, no, although Sunoo wished more than anything that he could devour a whole cake while they were on their search.

No, they were touring bakeries because of something Jay had suggested that had finally made a shred of sense and that they deemed worth a try. The discussion had started when Jay had brought up memory triggers, and neither Sunghoon nor Sunoo had the slightest clue what he meant. Jay had looked at Sunghoon curiously.

"Really? You’ve never experienced one?"

He hadn’t.

“Some things can trigger memories, you know,” he explained to them. “Even if you don’t remember anything, if you visit a certain place that you maybe went to while you were alive, or if you’re lucky, the place you died- well I guess that’s not such a lucky thing is it? I mean it is for us, because it’s a big clue that would be super helpful but I mean generally speaking dying isn’t such a lucky thing-”

_“Jay.”_

“Right, well if you do find a place or thing like that, it can jog some of your memory.”

“How do you know,” Sunoo asked curiously. “Have you regained some of your memories before?” 

“Cake. And cookies,” Jay replied dreamily. “I have very strong memories of cookies.” Sunoo snorted while Sunghoon had rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and wondered why he was about to take the advice of a clear lunatic.

And with that, they were off on perhaps the most frustrating food tour Sunoo had ever experienced. It didn’t help that everytime Sunghoon caught him staring longingly at the food he felt the need to comment, “There’s no way you can have any you know.”

“I _know!!!_ ”

And after the fifth reminder, he really had gotten the message, but that didn’t make it any easier. What also didn’t make things any easier was Sunghoon’s clear distaste for him. His body language practically screamed, _I’m only here because Jay is unavailable!_

Right when the three of them were about to head out and Sunghoon was about to suggest staying behind and letting Jay cart the soul around on a wild goose chase, a new name card had arrived. An urgent one apparently, and a quick search using the window had determined it was the soul of a child. Jay insisted on taking the case, raising a challenging eyebrow at Sunghoon. They both knew how he was with kids. 

It was a tough call, but between dealing with a child, and dealing with Kim Sunoo, Sunghoon had determined that the sunshine faced boy was the lesser of the two evils. It wasn’t that Sunghoon didn’t like him. It was just that there was no point in liking him, because one way or another he too, would leave. What he hadn’t anticipated was this soul being _so much,_ so full of energy and overflowing optimism and smiles that Sunghoon feared he was in imminent danger of getting sucked in despite his best efforts.

“The only thing this reminds me of," Sunoo whined, " is when I would be dieting and watching mukbangs to satisfy myself." He looked mournfully back at the pastry shop. “But even worse!”

Sunghoon looked at him with wide eyes. He looked Sunoo up and down trying to see if he had missed something, such as about twenty pounds more of him. “What do you mean, diet? You look fine.” 

Sunghoon hadn’t meant it as a compliment, he was merely confused and had stated what seemed to be a clear observation. But his frozen attitude until now had conditioned Sunoo to expect nothing but sarcastic comments and one word replies, and he blinked and turned away shyly. As he looked everywhere but the grim reaper next to him, a store just across from the place they were leaving caught his eye. He turned to tug on Sunghoon’s sleeve. 

“Oh look! A bookstore! Can we check it out?” He pleaded.

“Oh, uh sure,” the older boy stumbled over his sentence, flustered as well at his previous choice of words. 

The bell on the door jingled as they entered the shop. At least, Sunoo thought it had, and he jerked his chin up in surprise. He realized belatedly that someone had merely opened the door just as he and Sunghoon were stepping through the solid glass. For some reason, he felt quite dejected at this revelation, but he bit down his frustration. It was something to get used to, no longer being a tangible part of this world. 

He stepped further into the shop, beginning to roam around the various shelves and wooden tables that were strewn haphazardly throughout the store, all stacked full of books, most looking quite old or used. He paused when he didn’t feel any presence beside him and looked back. 

The grim reaper was still positioned by the door, looking not hesitant, but uninterested, as if he had no intention of moving from his spot. Sunoo sighed and walked briskly over to him, dragging his arm and pulling him along. He heard Sunghoon release a startled noise at the sudden attack. He must have been spaced out. 

“What’s the point of being here? You can’t buy anything, or even open any of these books,” the grim reaper spoke up. Sunoo rolled his eyes and turned to look at him.

“So what? I’m just looking around. It’s okay to just look at something even if you can’t have it,” he replied stubbornly. At this, a strange expression came over Sunghoon’s face. He looked confused and somewhat dazed. A random image popped into his head, of Sunoo right after he’d arrived, staring entranced at the window, the light coming from the afterlife.

“Is it?” Sunghoon said. But he seemed to be speaking to himself and Sunoo didn’t know the real answer to the question anyway. 

Sunoo scanned the shelves as he walked by slowly, skimming his fingers along the spines of the books without quite touching. Most of the titles were unfamiliar to him, until one caught his eye. The writing was in French, so it must have been a non-translated copy, but Sunoo would recognize it anywhere.

He turned to Sunghoon gleefully. “It’s The Little Prince!” He exclaimed. The reaper responded to his uncontained excitement with a dead stare.

“The what?”

Sunoo quickly explained that it was his favorite novel as a child, and he had reread it no less than a couple hundred times. In the midst of his excited chattering, Sunghoon suddenly cut him off.

“You remember?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. His tone sounded skeptical, and Sunoo wondered just how little this boy remembered of his own life. He hadn't been lying when he said he couldn't remember how he died, or anything really, but there were still small bits of information about himself floating around in his head. Unfortunately, knowing his favorite bedtime story wasn't useful to his situation right now. 

“Of course I do,” Sunoo said gravely. “It’s the best book in the universe.” Sunghoon looked at him like he’d just declared that he was an alien from another planet. Sunoo prepared himself for a judgmental comeback but instead-

“What is it about?” Sunghoon’s expression had opened up somewhat and he actually looked genuinely curious. Sunoo was notoriously bad at explaining things so he took a moment to ponder the answer. 

"It’s about a lot of things. There’s a little prince who decides to leave his planet and he eventually comes to Earth. After staying for a while, he learns that his planet and everything on it was special after all and he wants to return really bad,” he explained. He winced, thinking he’d made it sound completely not as good as it really was. However, the grim reaper’s attention was still focused on him. 

“Does he make it back? Is there a happy ending?” He prompted. Sunghoon himself didn’t know why he was so curious either. But for some reason, after hearing Sunoo describe the book as his favorite thing, and seeing his eyes gleam while talking about it, he wanted to know everything. 

“Yes and no,” Sunoo said slowly. “The little prince has to die because his body is too heavy to carry back with him. But he says not to worry, because what more is a body than an empty shell? The important thing was that he was able to go back home.” Satisfied with his interpretation of the ending, Sunoo trotted out of the store, having satisfied his momentary curiosity. 

Sunghoon stared after him. He felt uneasy all of a sudden. Something Sunoo said rang in his ears, but he didn’t know what the significance of it was.

_What more is a body than an empty shell?_

\---

**Three Years Ago**

“Sunoo, hold still,” Jungwon groaned. The flash went off as Sunoo shifted position, yet again. He checked the screen on his camera, already knowing that the photo would come out blurry and out of focus. Sunoo let out a whine by way of apology. 

“Sorry Jungwonie! I’m just trying to get my best angle,” he said cheekily, swinging his body around and looking dramatically over his shoulder.

“I won’t be able to get any of your angles if you keep moving,” Jungwon groused. He felt a chin rest on his shoulder. Jay laughed, peering down at the blurry mess of a photograph. 

“There he goes again pretending that he doesn’t think all his angles are the best.” Sunoo pouted from where he was perched precariously on the railing of a small wooden bridge that arched over a pond that had been overtaken by algae. Despite its murky green tinge, the water was dotted with dozens of beautiful yellow lotus blossoms, making it quite a lovely backdrop for Eden to practice portraits against. If his subject would just stop _moving_. 

“I’ll hold still if Niki comes and poses with me,” Sunoo said, smiling sweetly. The boy in question flushed. One of the things Jungwon admired most about Sunoo was his persistent efforts to try to ensure that everyone felt included. He sensed that Niki was probably flattered by this, but the unprecedented attention still made him shy.

“One person at a time,” Jungwon said firmly. He noticed the grateful glance of relief Niki sent his way. It had only been around a month since Jungwon had introduced Niki to his friends, and while they all welcomed him into their little circle with open arms, Niki still felt awkward and out of place at times. He only hoped the tension would fade away with time.

“Sunoo.” There was the sound of creaking footsteps padding up old wooden boards until the feet stopped by where Sunoo was playfully rocking back and forth on his perch. Heeseung grasped him by the shoulders firmly. “Be careful.” Sunoo looked at him with his lips parted slightly.

Jungwon resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the incessant mothering their oldest friend inflicted on Sunoo. It made sense why he would act that way; Heeseung and Sunoo had known each other the longest out of any of them, since they were kids, and there was also that quality of Sunoo’s that made everyone instinctively want to protect him. Still, as much as Sunoo enjoyed being showered with attention and affection, Jungwon couldn’t help but wonder if he ever felt smothered.

‘Where are Sunghoon and Jake, anyway? Everyone’s here except for them,” Jay suddenly observed.

"Sunghoon has training, so he couldn’t come,” Jungwon answered. “And Jake,” he looked carefully at Sunoo, “is with him.” 

Sunoo swung his feet, something he did when he was feeling anxious, but his expression didn’t change. Jay let out a cackle, and Jungwon winced knowing that a viciously teasing comment was already on his tongue.

“I bet Sunoo wishes he could ditch us and go watch Sunghoon skate, am I right?” Sunoo looked affronted.

“Of course not! I’d rather be here with you guys,” he mumbled. “I promised to help Jungwonie anyway.” He had, and Jungwon knew he wouldn’t flake on him for any reason, nor would he pass up the opportunity to model for a photoshoot. He also knew that he longed for Sunghoon’s company, and for his company to be accepted.

“What’s the matter,” Jay continued, not picking up on any of this. “He still hasn’t warmed up to you yet?” Sunoo instantly deflated, and Heeseung looked at him sharply. Niki had awkwardly turned away, choosing to walk the perimeter of the pond rather than stand there and listen to supposed drama he knew nothing about. 

Jay was still standing behind Jungwon with his arms wrapped around his neck, which put him in the perfect placement for Jungwon to elbow him in the gut. Jay let out a grunt as the air was knocked out of him, but he seemed to regret having said anything because he kept quiet. 

“No,” Sunoo answered quietly, looking uncharacteristically solemn. “No, I guess he hasn’t.”

Heeseung spared him a worried glance but Sunoo only closed his eyes and tilted his head back towards the sun. A smile tugged at the corner of his lips. It was a content smile. Not content in satisfaction, but content in resignation, in knowing there was something that would always be out of reach, and having made peace with the fact.

Jungwon’s arms raised on their own volition. He watched Sunoo through the lens of his camera. The lighting was just right, the angle that Sunoo had been so picky about was perfect- and his expression: full of longing, but peaceful as he clung to that ugly worn down bridge. Jungwon didn’t want to take advantage of his friend’s moment of reflection, but he looked, to put it quite simply, beautiful. His finger pressed down halfway, bringing the boy’s somber features into focus. Sunoo’s lips parted. It was a perfect shot.

Jungwon was so intent on capturing the emotions on the boy’s face that he failed to notice how the hands clutching onto the railing had subconsciously loosened, and didn’t notice Sunoo start to tip back until Heeseung let out a strangled cry of warning.

Sunoo’s eyes flew open as he toppled backwards. His heart dropped out of his chest as he felt himself free fall the few feet’s worth of distance between the bridge and the water. It felt to him like miles.

There were only two things he registered in the split second between losing his balance and being submerged underwater:

Heeseung’s wide eyes staring at him in shock, and the sound of a camera going off.

\---

**The Ground**

After a whole day of dealing with the newcomer and a particularly troublesome case, Jay finally had time to relax. He sighed and kicked his feet up onto his blissfully empty desk, allowing himself to close his eyes for a few moments.

If only he hadn’t gotten called away so suddenly, he could be drooling over baked goods with Sunghoon and Sunoo right now. It seemed like a stupid thing to remember, and he knew Sunoo and Sunghoon had judged him for it, but it wasn’t so much about the food itself, but the feelings he associated with it. Something like nostalgia, or the comfort of sharing a meal with company he no longer remembered the faces of. 

It left a bittersweet taste in his mouth, knowing that there were memories that were floating around in his head, yet refused to take shape. The sound of rustling paper snapped him out of his thoughts.

_If I don’t look at it, it’ll go away_ , he thought, stubbornly keeping his eyes tightly shut. He refused to go running about with a single more soul for the rest of the day. But it wasn’t like he couldn’t put it off for tomorrow, right?

Reluctantly, he cracked one eye open, curiously glancing over at the envelope that now rested on his desk next to his crossed legs. He immediately wished he had ignored it and continued to dream about eclairs. On the front of the envelope, the formidable red stamp read, _Special Case._ Jay cursed and grabbed the envelope, ripping it open angrily.

He already had one soul to babysit for who knows how long… His angry thoughts trailed off as he stared down at the card. 

Like Sunghoon and Sunoo, Jay remembered virtually nothing about his life. There were bits and pieces that came to him sometime, mostly things that he’d liked or things that were integrated into his personality. Favorite foods, familiar smells. These flashes of recognition didn’t come often, and when they did it was hard to verify whether he was actually remembering something or if it was just wishful thinking.

But staring down at this name card, Jay felt a feeling of absolute certainty wash over him. The name written down on this piece of paper was one that he knew. 

⥇

After walking around for a while longer, Sunghoon was ready to call it quits and head back to the Ground. He thought of Jay, who by this hour, was probably being swamped with cases without him there to take on half the workload. On second thought, he didn’t feel bad at all. 

After hours of fruitless searching for a memory trigger, Sunghoon realized they’d been following the other grim reaper’s advice solely based on his own personal experience. If they wanted to find something that would affect Sunoo the same way, they had to start thinking logically. 

“Sunoo,” he said, turning to the other boy who was absently humming.

“Hm?” 

“I think we’re looking in the wrong places. We have to think about where you’d most likely visit frequently when you were alive. Since you said you dieted a lot, you probably wouldn’t be going out a lot to get dessert, so we can cross that off the list,” he deduced. 

Sunoo looked at him in wonder. “You’re so smart!” He exclaimed. 

“It’s not that I’m smart, it’s that everyone around me is stupid,” Sunghoon grumbled. “Although I guess I’m the stupidest for taking Jay’s advice at face value. He had the right idea though.” A sudden thought struck him. “Do you remember how old you are? Are you a college student?”

Sunoo thought for a moment. “That sounds about right. Maybe in the first or second year probably?” His voice trailed upwards, unsure of even the simplest questions about himself. Sunghoon understood how that could feel.

“Ok, where do college students go often? The library?”

Sunoo wrinkled his nose. “The library? You’re so boring, hyung.”

Sunghoon let out an indignant squawk. “You were the one who just dragged me into a bookstore!” To this, Sunoo only rolled his eyes. He looked as though he was about to say something, but closed his mouth, his eyes drifting to somewhere past Sunghoon’s shoulder. His eyes widened and he suddenly grasped his arm, shaking him gently. Sunghoon flinched away from the contact.

“I have an idea!!” Sunoo exclaimed.

Sunghoon followed his line of sight, turning around to glance behind him. What he saw was a pair of teenagers walking their way hand in hand, talking excitedly amongst themselves. They looked to be around the same age as them, and the boy had two backpacks sling over each shoulder, one presumably being his girlfriend’s.

“Let’s follow them,” Sunoo hissed with glee.

Sunghoon looked at him like he was crazy, but allowed himself to be dragged along until they fell into step behind the young couple. 

Sunghoon listened in to their conversation for only a few moments, before concluding that there was no substance to it, only sickening fluff and lovesick crooning. He turned to Sunoo and made fake gagging noises. Sunoo pushed him. “They’re cute! You’re no fun at all,” he pouted. And somehow, this comment made him even grouchier than the annoying couple’s words.

They turned a corner and came upon a small convenience store, which the couple entered immediately. Sunoo and Sunghoon slipped in behind them. 

“Why didn’t we think of convenience stores! Of course students would come here all the time,” Sunoo said. He did a 360 spin, surveying the area dramatically. “What happens now? Am I supposed to feel something? Are the joys of fast food and snacks going to bring forth memories of my past life?”

While he was rambling, he failed to notice that Sunghoon had gone very, very quiet beside him. As soon as Sunghoon entered the shop, it was as though all the air had been punched out of his lungs, if he had any air to leave him. He saw Sunoo twirl around, and could see that he was talking rapidly, but he could hear nothing over the steadily building ringing in his ears. 

A blistering pain shot through his chest. He groaned, grasping at the phantom pain and sunk to his knees. Distantly, he heard the echo of a voice, and wondered if Sunoo was calling out to him. He felt hands on him, shaking him, but the voice was getting louder now, and it wasn’t the sweet soft tone of the soul beside him.

This voice was angry, demanding, relentless. The shouting was increasing in volume with every passing second, and he wondered why nobody in the shop was throwing out the person who was make such a commotion. 

Then he heard another voice, a scream. A name. Then a bang.

Then nothing.

\---

**I-Land: June 20th**

It had been exactly two months since the incident. Two months since he had lost two of his best friends, and as a result, was in danger of losing the ones he had left forever. It hadn’t surprised him that Jungwon had refused to go with them. In fact, he had known about his reasoning long before Heeseung had found out, but had kept it a secret from the older boy due to his increasingly unpredictable temperament.

Anything that had something to do with that day was sure to set him off. 

So here Jake was, on the two month anniversary of that day, desperately scanning a flower shop for roses. Usually there would be no shortage of roses at a flower shop but it had completely slipped his mind that the day of this visit would fall right on father’s day.

He scanned the rows of flowers, ready to have to settle on something other than what he’d planned for, when a particular assortment caught his eye. They were roses indeed, but instead of the deep red hue he’d been imagining, these were a bright sunny yellow. He hesitated, but carefully gathered up the flowers and paid.

The girl at the counter asked him how he’d like them wrapped up. 

“Can you separate them into three bouquets please? Thank you,” he replied.

⥇

He arrived at the time he and Heeseung agreed upon, with just a few minutes to spare. Putting his car into park, he could already see Heeseung waiting for him out front. The older boy had spied his car too because he raised his hand in a little wave. 

Jake grabbed one of the bouquets from the passenger seat and hopped out, jogging up to greet him. Heeseung’s eyes drifted down and when Jake followed his line of sight, he faltered.

“I tried to get nicer ones, but I completely forgot it’s a holiday, and these were the only ones left in stock,” he stuttered. The corner of Heeseung’s mouth twitched as he gazed at the sunshine colored flowers. 

“Jake,” he said quietly. “They’re perfect.” Jake let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. 

“Yeah,” he said after a moment of silence had passed between the two of them. “I guess they suit him.” 

Together, they made their way inside. Heeseung, who had been here countless times, probably several times a week, guided him to where they needed to go. Jake thought of Heeseung’s dedication to visiting as often as he possibly could and felt a pang of guilt. 

Heeseung turned towards him. “This one’s his.” Jake nodded slowly, and stepped inside. 

“Sunoo,” he began nervously. “It’s been a while. I’m sorry I haven’t come sooner, I was just- well to be honest I’m a coward. And I couldn’t bear to meet you like this.” He gulped, his voice thickening. “I know that you have Winn here, and that he’s been taking care of you really well. I wish I had taken better care of you too, when you were still…” His hands started trembling. Heeseung reached over and gave them a squeeze. 

“I know you love to sleep, but isn’t this a bit too much?” Jake laughed shrilly. “You’re sleeping too deeply, how am I supposed to wake you up now.” He inhaled deeply through his nose. “Sunoo, even though we won’t have a chance to talk again, don’t worry, ok? I will do all the talking for you. I’ll meet you, just like this, and I’ll take care of everything.” He whimpered, unable to continue. 

Heeseung shushed him, ushering him into a hug. “Don’t worry,” he said rubbing his back. I’m sure he heard you.” Jake nodded, tears dampening the shoulder of Heeseung’s hoodie. 

“Jake,” Heeseung whispered, “do you mind if I talk to him alone for a bit?” Jake nodded, and moved away, out of earshot.

Heeseung bent over.

“Sunoo,” he said softly so that Jake couldn’t hear. He sighed and dropped his head. “I talked to Jungwon today. And I realized that I’ve been keeping people away from you, trying to pass on all my guilt and blame to someone else. But I was wrong. I’m the only one to blame. I failed you that day Sunoo, when I should have been the one protecting you.” Heeseung paused, as if waiting for a reply. None came.

“Nothing else has ever been as important to me as you… as protecting you. And I wasn’t able to show you that. I’m so sorry.” He hastily wiped his tears, not wanting Jake to see him break down.

“The next time around, I’ll come meet you once again. And I’ll make sure you live a long, long time. And we’ll be happy,” he whispered. “That’s my new promise.” 

He straightened up, wiping his eyes, and turned to Jake, nodding. The other boy came back to join him at his side. They looked down at their friend with wet eyes. Heeseung leaned over one last time to brush Sunoo’s bangs off his forehead lovingly. 

“I’ll come again tomorrow,” he promised the sleeping boy. The only reply he got was the steady beeping of the heart rate monitor. 


	3. The Angel's Sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took way too long oops
> 
> don't forget to pay attention to dates! :3

_“You lost your place in heaven but you found your way to earth,_  
 _And you’ve been to hell and back but always emerge without a burn_   
_It’s not your fault you’ve got something they’re all afraid of_  
 _It’s not your fault that today, they just felt like shooting angels”_

* * *

**I-Land: May**

Heeseung had never seen Sunoo as a burden. Throughout everything- moving in with him, taking care of him when he was sick, walking him to classes or taking him out to eat- he had done it all, and happily so. Taking care of Sunoo had never been a burden, until it was.

Not because of him, of course. No, Heeseung could patiently bear with a grieving Sunoo for as long as he needed. He had done it before, after all. But this time was different. This time he couldn’t bear it, because it wasn’t Sunoo that was a burden, it was the guilt that pressed down on his chest every time he looked at the other boy’ empty eyes. It was his fault that Sunoo was like this.

Heeseung could take care of Sunoo forever, but he didn’t know how long he could manage this guilt. What was worse was that the younger didn’t blame him at all. Instead, he blamed himself. As if he hadn’t been a victim as well. Like Heeseung, he seemed to think it should have been him rather than someone else. The knowledge of this fact only increased Heeseung’s worry tenfold.

These days, Sunoo woke up in the early hours of the morning, before the sun had even fully risen. He had always been a sleeping-in type of person, as was Heeseung, but gone were the days of a full night’s rest. Now he went to sleep late, and woke up early. But rather than getting a head start on the day, he merely sat around listlessly, or distracted himself with menial tasks.

Heesung was beyond worried, not because he had never seen him like this before, but because he had.

After his mother had passed away half a year ago, and Heeseung had taken him in, Sunoo had been much the same as he was now. It was his way of dealing with grief, he supposed, to try to shut out and repress all his emotions. Like now, he had become a shell of himself. He hadn’t even put up much of a fight when Heeseung insisted he move in with him, although Heeseung knew how much the younger hated to impose on anyone. 

“You don’t have to do that for me, hyung,” he had said. “I can go somewhere else.” He sounded lifeless, resigned, like he was ready to just accept anything that would happen.

“Do you have anywhere else to go?” Heeseung challenged. He was met with silence. “Let’s go then.”

So Sunoo went. He packed up all his belongings, and squeezed himself into Heeseung’s tiny, one bedroom apartment and into his life. He insisted on taking the couch, and stubbornly set up his pillow and blanket whilst ignoring Heeseung’s protests. The next morning, he had woken up in Heeseung’s bed with the older boy sitting on the floor leaning against the nightstand, fast asleep. From then on, they shared the bed.

Sunoo would sleep fitfully, slipping in and out of a dream. Sometimes, he would wake up panting and drenched in sweat. At those times, Heeseung would sing to him softly until his breathing steadied, and he drifted back off.

During the day, he would try to take Sunoo out as often as he could. Some days, they would go to the park, other times Heeseung would take the younger boy shopping, hoping that he would let him buy him something. But most often, he’d treat the boy with food, taking note of all his favorite meals. Whatever seemed to coax a smile out of Sunoo, or light up his eyes for just a moment, Heeseung would do. 

In the beginning, it seemed like Sunoo was actively repressing his good moods, as if he felt guilty for feeling happiness again. One day, Heeseung confronted him. "Just because you smile, doesn’t mean you miss her any less,” he had told Sunoo. The other boy’s shoulders had stiffened at those words, before relaxing slowly. He had smiled a lot easier after that.

Gradually, Sunoo’s old demeanor emerged from his grieving self, like the sun emerging from behind a shroud of clouds after a stormy day. It had taken months, but he was finally the happy Sunoo that everyone knew and loved again, the one who couldn’t keep a smile off his face for more than a few moments. He had finally gotten there. And then _it_ happened.

The picture-perfect cheerful image crumbled and that cloud of sadness returned so quickly that Heeseung wondered if it had ever really left. Those smiles that had slowly returned in the past few months: were they real, or were they carefully constructed replicas, hastily plastered on just to appease him? Despite all the years they had spent together, Heeseung didn't know if he'd be able to tell the difference. He wondered if there was anyone in the world who knew Kim Sunoo well enough for that. 

These days Heeseung would often randomly think of that book Sunoo would always read. The one with the little prince who needed to leave his body behind so that his soul could return to his planet. “His body is just a vessel, a shell,” Sunoo had told him. "If you think of it that way, it isn’t sad at all, is it?” 

Heeseung thought maybe Sunoo was his little prince. The boy’s body had been reduced to a shell, that was for sure, but he didn’t know where Sunoo was. And wasn’t that incredibly sad?

So Heeseung was no stranger to Sunoo’s grieving. He knew what to look out for, what topics to avoid, subtle ways to coax smiles out of him to brighten his mood, if even for just a second. But the problem was, it wasn’t that Sunoo was back to square one. He was worse than ever. Heeseung didn’t understand why, until he repeated the words he had said to him months before.

“Just because you smile, doesn’t mean you miss him any less,” he said to Sunoo's back. It was raining, and the boy had been staring out the window for hours. Sunoo said nothing. “It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have done anything,” Heeseung pleaded with him.

Sunoo slowly turned. As though the words had chipped away at some mask he had carefully placed over his true face, his emotionless facade began to crack. His eyes misted over, and his lower lip trembled, almost imperceptibly. He had kept everything bottled up since that day, not showing anything, and now it was all spilling out of him.

He gazed at Heeseung with shimmering eyes. "He was there that day because of me." His voice cracked painfully as he spoke. “It should have been me. I wanted it to be me.”

Something inside Heeseung shattered. 

_I know,_ he thought. _Me too._

\---

**The Ground**

It had taken all of Sunghoon’s remaining energy to summon the Egg to bring them back to the Ground. After shying away from contact all day, he barely registered Sunoo’s arm around his shoulders, keeping him up as they staggered back into the black prison that was now their shared home. Jay was sitting at the desk, his face pinched in worry, but he immediately became alert when he saw the state of the two souls who had just entered. 

“What happened,” he asked immediately, jumping up and gently nudging Sunoo to transfer Sunghoon’s weight to himself. Sunghoon immediately shrugged both of them off, having gained his balance back.

“I’m fine,” he said with gritted teeth. Jay looked past his shoulder at Sunoo, who shook his head. 

Sunghoon ignored Jay and hesitantly turned to Sunoo.

“Did you hear any noises back there?” He asked.

Sunoo looked at him curiously. “Noises? Like what? It wasn’t particularly loud in the store.” Sunghoon furrowed his brow as he tried to remember what he heard. Shouting, lots and lots of shouting, and…

“There was a loud bang. Like a firework,” he said. Sunoo huffed out a laugh, while Jay looked back and forth between them rapidly.

“Fireworks? In the middle of the city?” Sunoo asked incredulously.

“What happened?” Jay repeated firmly.

“We went into a convenience store and he immediately collapsed,” Sunoo informed him. Sunghoon frowned, feeling betrayed. Jay whipped around to look at him with a greater amount of excitement than he thought was tasteful.

“You found a memory trigger?” He asked earnestly. Sunghoon sighed. 

“I don’t know what it was, I just know one moment I was fine, and then suddenly my head felt like it was splitting open and I was hearing hings.”

“Things? What things?” He pressed on.

“Voices,” Sunghoon admitted quietly. “It doesn’t matter,” he continued quickly. Jay made a noise of protest at this, “The point is, we still didn’t figure out anything about the special case over here, other than what his stupid favorite book is, so we’re right back to where we started.”

“It’s Sunoo,” the soul said halfheartedly. Jay’s mouth tightened into a thin line.

“Meeting in your room, right now,” Jay demanded, turning and disappearing into the hallway.

“My room? Why my room?” Sunghoon squawked after him, but begrudgingly tailed after him. Sunoo entered the room, which was opposite of Jay’s and looked nearly identical. Just like the main hall, the room was entirely black with the exception of a large white mattress shoved against one side. Jay plopped down on it without hesitation, much to Sunghoon’s chagrin.

Sunoo timidly took a seat on the floor.

“So,” Jay said, after Sunoo quickly recapped everything that had happened. “All we know right now is that Sunoo was a college student, and was killed by someone. And Sunghoon has trauma associated with convenience stores. Correct?”

Sunoo nodded mutely, while Sunghoon stared resolutely at the ceiling.

“Right now, we have no leads, no memory triggers and no idea why someone would want to hurt Sunoo, because he’s an angel.” Jay continued. Sunoo preened and Sunghoon bit back a sarcastic comment that he would probably regret once the soul turned that signature pout of his on him. “So what I suggest as our next course of action… " Jay turned to Sunoo. "From now on, you should accompany Sunghoon on jobs so you have more exposure to potential memory triggers, and you can look after him in case he runs into one again.” He finished proudly. “Oh, and Sunoo, since we’ve pretty much established that you’ll be stuck here for a while, you can room with Sunghoon.”

Sunoo’s head shot up at that. Sunghoon felt the sudden urge to punch something. Jay was looking like a particularly appealing option at the moment. He hadn’t realized that with the arrival of Sunoo he would not only gain himself a much unneeded assistant, but a very much unwanted roommate.

“I am not listening to any of your advice ever again,” he told Jay crossly. “Look at how today turned out.”

“I just think it wouldn’t hurt to have someone supervising you after your little freak out at the store,” Jay retorted. Sunghoon grimaced. 

“That was one time.” He said stonily. 

“One time too many! Now it’s late, let me get out of your hair so you two can rest before a long day of work tomorrow,” Jay said giddily. While Sunghoon’s mind was still reeling with the prospect of sharing his room, his _bed_ , Sunoo spoke up finally. “So we actually do sleep? Aren’t we dead?”

Jay nodded in understanding. “Yes, that we are, my young friend. And if we stayed inside all day we probably wouldn’t need to rest at all. But running around above ground all day requires energy still, even if we’re not alive. Even souls need to recharge. Plus, there’s nothing like a good nap, even when you’re dead.” He stood up and stretched. “Sleep tight, and I’ll see you in the morning!” He sang, walking out of the room.

Silence fell upon them. Sunghoon fastidiously avoided eye contact. He shrugged off his coat and tossed it somewhere on the floor, leaving him in the simple long sleeve black shirt and black pants that they all arrived at the Ground in. He caught Sunoo staring at his wrist and looked down to see a flash of red silk peeking out of his clothes. He hastily tucked it back into his sleeve. 

“I sleep against the wall. You can take the other side,” he said, turning his back on Sunoo. He pulled back the blankets and slid in, lying down while still facing away from the other soul. He never received an answer, maybe because none came, or because he was so exhausted from the stress of the day that he was immediately claimed by unconsciousness.

⥇

Sunghoon awoke early in the morning. He only knew this because he was used to getting cases at the wake of dawn, and his circadian rhythm had adjusted accordingly. He stretched out his arms and legs, and noticed that he was not as close to the wall as he should’ve been. He shouldn’t have had this much space to move around in his sleep, with the new soul occupying one half of his bed.

Feeling around the mattress he found that he was completely alone. He frowned. Had Sunoo already woken up? He sat up, glancing around the room and froze. On the other side of the room, as if he had specifically picked the spot that would be the farthest away from Sunghoon, Sunoo was half sitting up, slumped against the wall. He was fast asleep. 

Sunghoon felt a pang in his chest that he vaguely registered as guilt. But what did he have to feel guilty about? It wasn’t like he had denied the soul access to the bed. 

_Also,_ Jay’s voice echoed in his head. _You have a scary face._

Sunghoon winced. He stood up, quickly gathering up the blanket and made his way over to where Sunoo was curled up in what would surely be a cramp-inducing position for any living person. He hesitated, then quickly threw the blanket over the boy’s petite form and stalked out of his room.

Jay was waiting for him.

“How was it sharing your personal space for the first time?” He teased. Sunghoon bit his lip and looked away. 

“Second time,” he said. Jay froze, and his eyes darted down to Sunghoon’s wrist. “And I didn’t.”

Jay’s expression of guilt melted into one of perplexion. “As far as I know, you only have one bed, so-”

“He slept on the floor.” His partner looked at him in horror so he quickly explained. “I didn’t make him do it, I told him to take the other side of the bed but he never did.” 

Jay still didn’t look mollified. He massaged the bridge of his nose and let out a loud sigh. “You could be a little nicer to him you know. I’m not saying welcome him with open arms, but to be welcoming at all wouldn’t kill you,” he said crossly. “No joke intended,” he added. 

‘There’s no point getting attached,” Sunghoon answered shortly. Jay pinned him with a long searching gaze. 

“If you’re still thinking about- that time, you already know that Sunoo is different from her. It’s two completely different situations.” 

Sunghoon shook his head stubbornly. “They’re all the same,” he said. Jay tilted his head, a silent request for him to elaborate. “They all leave.” Jay’s eyes widened in understanding and sympathy that Sunghoon didn’t want to see. What right did Jay have to pity him when they were both in the same predicament? “They all leave, one way or another, and you and I can’t. It’s as simple as that.”

“And if, like us, he can’t leave? What then?” Jay asked softly. Sunghoon had no answer to that. 

It was ironic how someone like him, who longed for memories that would always be beyond his grasp, was constantly plagued by the only memories he wished to forget.

⥇

“For the last time, I do not... need.. a supervisor.” He spoke with gritted teeth, glaring at the other grim reaper. “Especially not him.”

Sunoo shot him a wounded look and, as expected, Sunghoon regretted ever opening his mouth. Shortly after Sunghoon woke up, Sunoo had emerged from his room, looking ruffled and dazed, but entirely content. Not at all like someone who had slept sitting up against a wall because their roommate refused to even look at them. He cheerfully bade both of them good morning, and it almost made Sunghoon resolve to be more open and friendly with the soul; until Jay’s continued insistence that Sunoo shadow him on the job made him beyond irritable.

Jay seemed to notice the sudden awkwardness because he quickly grasped Sunoo’s shoulders from behind, resting his chin on the shorter boy’s head.

“What he means, but can’t get across because he has a heart made of ice, is that you’re too cute and it would distract him during work. Right, Sunghoon?” Jay glared at him over Sunoo’s head.

Sunghoon was not entirely inclined to disagree with him; Sunoo was distracting but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing. He would also never admit out loud that the soul was undeniably adorable. He didn’t doubt that when he was alive, the boy had possessed that magnetic sort of charm that made everyone want to latch onto him in adoration. That charm had apparently had some sort of effect on his partner as well. Sunghoon wanted to roll his eyes but something about the way Jay had draped himself over Sunoo had him bristling.

“Whatever, lets just go,” he snapped, snatching up the newest name card.

“Ah..” Sunoo hesitated, looking meek. “I can… not go, also.” He cast his eyes down. Sunghoon cursed himself for what felt like the tenth time that morning. 

“No, your presence is very much needed, now scram you two,” Jay assured, before hip-butting a baffled Sunoo towards the Egg. He stumbled inside dazedly. 

Jay sidled up next to Sunghoon and put his lips close to his ear. He spoke rapidly and under his breath in a low voice so only the two of them could hear. 

“Got another special case name card while you two were away. I’ll take care of it. You go.”

Sunghoon looked at him with wide eyes. “When?”

“Yesterday.”

“Two in one day?!” First Sunoo, and now apparently there was another impediment-less case on the way to torture his soul even further.

“I know as much as you do. I’ll update you when you get back- or I mean, you’ll get the chance to talk to him yourself.” With that, he pulled away from Sunghoon and beamed at Sunoo who was staring at them curiously. When Sunghoon caught his eye, he looked away quickly. Sunghoon frowned.

Before he could contemplate why the outgoing boy was acting so shy all of a sudden, he too, was shoved unceremoniously into the Egg. He looked up to see Jay waving as they slowly began to turn, and he and Sunoo were thrown into darkness.

  
  


⥇

“Sunghoon?” 

“Hm?” It was strange conversing with someone when he couldn’t see their face. Sunghoon usually preferred not to make small talk while transporting souls.

“How come when I died I came to the Ground, but with other cases you’re the one traveling?”

“Oh that’s because...uh..” Sunghoon suddenly felt embarrassed for some reason. “It depends when we get to the name card really. If we pick up the case right away, we can meet them right when they die. If we… well, procrastinate, they get sent to us.”

“So, you procrastinated on me?” Sunoo’s voice sounded odd. Sunghoon wondered if he had taken personal offense to this.

“Well yes, but only because we were scared,” he said truthfully. After he and Jay had opened Sunoo’s name card, it had made its way to the bottom of their stack, until eventually, Sunoo had been sent to the Ground.

Souls drifted into oblivion after they died, and remained in that state until they were picked up by a grim reaper, or delivered to the Ground, so it wasn’t like he had kept Sunoo waiting. Still, something about the lilt in the boy’s voice made him feel something akin to guilt. 

“Scared? Why?” 

“With special cases like yours, it’s usually not such an easy one and done solution. We suspected you’d be stuck here for a while. Or in our case, stuck here permanently,” Sunghoon explained. He realized belatedly that he should have phrased it more tactfully. He didn’t want to frighten the soul into thinking that he had no hope.

“So you’re worried that I’ll stay?” Sunoo said quietly. 

“No! It’s not like that,” Sunghoon said, suddenly alarmed at how disappointed the other boy sounded. He cleared his throat awkwardly. 

“It’s ok hyung, I could kind of tell from the beginning that you didn’t particularly like me. But I just thought that’s how you are, since you’re kind of like that with Jay too. But you two are actually friends.” 

“We’re friends, but that doesn’t mean I like him,” Sunghoon snorted. Then his mind registered what Sunoo had just said. He thought Sunghoon didn’t like him?

“How long have you two been here?” Sunoo continued his inquiry.

“A few months I guess? It’s hard to count.” 

“And you two are already close?” 

“I guess so,” he said flippantly. He thought back on the time he had spent in the Ground with the other grim reaper.

“It’s a bit different here. Time flies when you’re alive. Nobody takes it seriously. When you’ve finally succumbed to your mortality, every moment feels like years.”

Sunoo fell silent as he considered this. 

“If I’m going to be here for a while, I want to get close with you too.”

Sunghoon felt a current run through him, as if he’d just received an electric shock. It was the same feeling that had overtaken his body back at the convenience store before his mind had descended into chaos. And just like that, the voices started up again. 

This time, the voice was different. Not threatening or angry, but friendly. Almost longing.

_I want to be close with you too._

The words echoed in his head, and the voice was familiar, an exact copy of the one that had just spoken out loud. Was he hearing an internal echo of the boy speaking before him?

 _Sorry, I mostly keep to myself,_ came the reply. This voice was deeper, colder. This voice wanted to be left alone, to shut everyone out. This voice was afraid, so afraid of people wanting, and possibly succeeding in getting close to him.

The voice was Sunghoon’s very own.

“Sunghoon? Are you okay?” There was a hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He realized he had been shivering violently. 

“I-I’m fine, I-”

_I want to be close with you._

The hand on his shoulder tightened. Before either of them could speak again, the Egg was flooded with light once more. They had arrived.

  
  
⥇

A cooling steady breeze greeted Sunoo and Sunghoon as they stepped out into open air. For a moment, all Sunghoon could see was blue and white, and it took a moment for him to register that they were standing on the beach. The fresh ocean air and bright color palette of the waves washing up on snowy sand was a refreshing change of pace from flitting between the Ground, dreary hospital rooms, and graveyards. 

Sunghoon had an intrusive thought- that this was the kind of place where Sunoo would fit in, where his tinkling bell-like laugh could be carried for miles along the shore, swept up by the breeze instead of being swallowed up by the confining pitch black walls of the Ground. Sunoo’s soul was too big for that place that Sunghoon had settled into, just like Sunghoon felt too small here beneath the open sky, staring out at an endless blanket of water.

He was so lost in thought that it took him far too long to realize that something was off, that Sunoo wasn’t speaking or moving. While this was highly characteristic of Sunghoon himself, it was incredibly off putting when applied to the bubbly soul. He looked over at the boy, only to see him frozen in place, his face impossibly paler than it usually was. Here, in a setting where Sunghoon had just been thinking was somewhere Sunoo could enjoy being, the soul looked more like a ghost than he ever had since his descent to the Ground.

Sunghoon didn’t know what he was opening his mouth to say- to ask if Sunoo was okay, to tell him that he didn’t have to accompany him any further and could stay behind while he dealt with this himself- but by the time the words even had the chance to reach his lips, Sunoo was ten steps ahead of him. Contrary to what the pallor of his face indicated, his strides were confident and sure as he made his way straight towards a spot on the sand, right where the water kissed the shore. With a start, Sunghoon just then noticed a soul sitting there by herself, seemingly oblivious as Sunoo curiously approached her.

He immediately started after the other boy, wondering what exactly had possessed him to take charge in a situation that was supposed to be _Sunghoon’s_ job. Sunoo stopped abruptly before the soul and promptly plopped right down into the wet sand, assuming a cross legged position. As Sunghoon neared them, he saw that Sunoo wasn’t looking at the soul, but staring straight ahead out into the waves. His face was still grim.

“What’s wrong with her?” Sunoo asked in a hollow voice. Sunghoon looked at him. "I saw her name card when you picked it up. It's blank." 

Ah, so he had noticed. Even if Sunoo hadn't seen the card, it was obvious even by just glancing at the soul beside them. It was true that the soul in their presence was not an ordinary one, not like the usual ones Sunghoon encountered on the job, and nothing like him or Sunoo. It was the type of soul he was afraid of, the type he’d rather forget. A small part of him found himself feeling grateful even, that Sunoo had taken the seat beside her in his place.

Sunghoon had come into contact with a soul like this before, just once. He’d made contact and then he’d hung on too long, not wanting to let go. And ever since that time that he had clung on and still lost, letting go had become a second nature to him. It was also why he was wary of Sunoo, someone who latched onto everyone and everything. Though Sunghoon was the type of person who held everyone away at arm’s length, once that distance was closed there was no going back. He absentmindedly fiddled with the crimson ribbon tied around his wrist.

“She’s a Lost One,” Sunghoon said softly. “It’s no use to try and ask her anything; she won’t speak. It’s hard to know if she’ll even be able to hear or see you.”

“Why?” Sunoo looked apprehensive, even as he inched closer to the girl. As they watched, her silhouette took on a solid form one moment, before fading to transparency the next. She was flickering in and out of existence before their eyes, like a candle ready to be extinguished.

“She’s not like other souls, the ones who can resolve their impediment quickly and move on. And she’s not like us, the ones who don’t know what their impediment is and are stuck here. She remembers- she remembers everything, too much. She remembers that she left too soon, long before she was ready to go. And now she can’t go anywhere.” Sunghoon swallowed painfully. "Lost Ones are souls that are lost- stuck to wander forever, wishing, thinking that they’re still living. They’re the ones who were never meant to die.”

“Never meant to die?” Sunoo’s hand was hovering in the air, outstretched towards the fading girl. 

“Some people believe in predestination, in fate. That everything is written in stone. But sometimes unknown variables get moved around, and the wrong person ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time. In someone else’s place.”

“So her impediment is- is…” 

“Dying,” Sunghoon confirmed.

Sunoo made a frustrated noise. “And we can’t help her at all? Why won’t she speak to us?”

“It depends how long the Lost One has been wandering. Regular cases are picked up by us not long after they die, but for her- she could have been wandering for months, or even years by now. Eventually their energy gets depleted and they become nothing more than a shadow.”

Sunoo’s face crumpled in empathy. Sunghoon didn’t want to voice out loud what he had to do next.

Sunghoon winced at the pain this all too familiar situation brought back. But he had learned from his mistakes. He would no longer hang on once the soul had passed the threshold of hope. 

“You’ve probably wondered what exactly our purpose as grim reapers is, right?” He asked Sunoo while laughing bitterly. “As you’ve figured out by now, we’re not all powerful beings who can control and manipulate death itself. Each of us have a single specialty, and that’s it.” He paused, wondering how much to disclose. 

“What’s your specialty?” Sunoo asked gently. His voice was warm, and he wasn’t demanding a response. His face was simply open and curious, willing to accept whatever Sunghoon was willing to give. 

Something about him made Sunghoon want to give him all the answers in the world.

“I can’t conjure up rainbows, or trade one life for another,” he said slowly. “I can’t absorb the pain and grief of a soul like Jay can.” Sunoo’s eyes widened slightly at this bit of information. “I haven’t been blessed with any of those miraculous abilities. The only way to help her, the only way I know how, is to send her away.” He watched for the other boy’s reaction carefully, but he merely seemed confused.

“Send her to where? If she can’t go to the afterlife then…” Sunoo trailed off thinking the worst but Sunghoon immediately shook his head.

“She won’t actually go anywhere. She simply won’t exist anymore. It’s the best way to end her suffering. If I don’t do it…” Sunghoon’s voice faltered. He stared out at the ocean, avoiding eye contact. “If I don’t do it, she’ll eventually fade away completely on her own. It’ll be a lot more painful. And she’ll suffer.” He had seen it.

There was a shadow of movement from the corner of Sunghoon’s eye and Sunoo suddenly let out a piercing cry. 

Sunghoon jolted in shock, and whipped his gaze from where he’d been staring off into the horizon down to the boy in the sand. Neither of the souls had moved, and strangely, Sunoo was still staring off into the distance as if transfixed. The Lost One was as silent and faded as ever. Except- where Sunoo’s hand had been outstretched in hesitation, drifting between his lap and the space between him and the girl, it now firmly rested on top of the Lost One’s fingers in the sand.

Apart from the rest of her flickering body, her hand under Sunoo’s now appeared opaque and as solid as the ground beneath them. She was trembling, the first sign of movement that Sunghoon had seen from her until now. 

“Sunoo?” Sunghoon said carefully. He reached out and gave the boy’s shoulder a tentative tap. “Kim Sunoo?”

But neither him nor the lost soul paid him any mind. Sunoo’s eyes remained wide open, unblinking and unseeing. Sunghoon stood there helplessly, not knowing what to do. He made several more attempts to snap Sunoo out of whatever trance he was in. Just as he was about to give up and try a different tactic, Sunoo started choking. 

Sunghoon knelt down in alarm, grabbing the boy’s arm roughly. Sunoo’s eyes squeezed shut in what looked to be pain, before they flung open again and he took a loud heaving gasp. Sunoo’s eyes darted around wildly and Sunghoon breathed an internal sigh of relief to see that the clarity had returned to them and the boy now seemed lucid. 

“Kim Sunoo?” He tried again, but the boy’s focus was entirely on the Lost One. He was still clutching the girl’s hand, his thumb moving back and forth in a comforting motion. Whether he was trying to comfort the girl or himself, Sunghoon wasn’t sure, as he took in Sunoo’s shaken state. 

“I see,” Sunoo said mournfully, addressing the soul. _What was happening?_ Sunoo took a shuddering breath and strengthened his grip on the soul’s hand. 

“You did a good thing. She can live now, because of you,” Sunoo whispered. Sunghoon struggled to make sense of Sunoo’s words, or anything that had just happened. “I know it hurts, to have your life suddenly ripped away from you. But you gave another chance at life to someone you cared about. You can regret dying, but don’t regret… loving.” 

The grim reaper froze. He watched in shock as the Lost One slowly turned her head to look at Sunoo. Sunghoon studied her face for the first time. She wasn’t a child, but she was young. Still too young. The sight of her served as the painful reminder of someone he regretted. 

But where he expected to see the sky and the sea through her transparent body, the soul had suddenly taken form. Had become whole. 

_Don’t regret loving._

Whatever connection Sunoo had made with the girl just now, whatever impact his words had had on her, apparently had been enough to bring a soul back from the brink of extinction. 

Just a few days ago, Sunghoon had been under the impression that there was not a soul in the world who could remain cheerful and brighten up the chilling atmosphere of the Ground. He had thought that there was no way to save a soul who was already destined to be lost- but along came this sunshine filled boy, proving him wrong time and time again. Just who was this Kim Sunoo, and where had he come from?

As if Sunoo could read his mind and could possibly fathom the significance of what he had just done, his eyes slid past the soul and connected with his. Sunghoon tried to morph his expression into something more nonchalant. He didn’t know how he would answer if Sunoo asked him why he looked so wretched. But all Sunoo did was smile.

The Egg materialized, basking them in that all too familiar, unattainable light. Without a word, the Lost One stood up, turned, and walked into the Egg, before they both faded out of sight. A moment of silence passed between the two souls remaining on the beach, before the grim reaper couldn’t contain himself for any longer. 

“How did you-” Sunghoon asked, strangled. Sunoo looked dazed as well. His eyes lingered where the Egg had come to transport the saved soul, and Sunghoon realized it was the boy’s first time seeing someone entering the afterlife. 

“When I touched her, I think I saw her memories. Flashes of the day she died. She... you were right, it wasn’t supposed to be her. Her friend didn’t know how to swim and-” Sunoo looked wistfully at the water. “She saved her.”

Sunghoon silently processed this information. If Sunoo had an ability, did that mean he would become a grim reaper like him and Jay soon? Another, more frightening thought struck him. Would he be able to access Sunghoon's memories as well? He was afraid to consider either of those possibilities.

“Do you want to go or,” Sunghoon said hesitatingly. He remembered what he’d thought when they first stepped out onto the beach, that this place was much more fitting for a soul like Sunoo than the harsh confining walls of the Ground. “We can stay here for a while. It’s nice.” He dug his toe into the sand awkwardly. 

To his surprise, Sunoo stood abruptly. 

“I don’t like the water," he said, his voice unreadable. He walked briskly past Sunghoon and into the Egg, which had returned for them. Sunghoon stepped in beside him and they were soon in darkness once more, a cruel contrast to the blinding light they had just seen envelope the girl as she departed.

“What you did back there,” Sunghoon said. “It was amazing. Usually they’re beyond help once it reaches that point.” He rubbed his wrist in habit. "I guess we really are opposites," he added, a trace of humor in his voice.

"How do you mean?" Sunoo asked curiously. 

"My ability is sending souls away, putting them out of their misery. But you- you can save them, it seems." Sunghoon was unable to conceal his awe. 

Sunoo felt himself flush. “I don’t know how that happened. But I think, the greatest thing you can do for someone is to see through their eyes,” he said quietly. 

This made Sunghoon reflect, something he seemed to be doing a lot of lately. He wondered if he had tried seeing the special case situation through Sunoo’s eyes at all. Dying and coming to a strange place with no memory of your life, only to be treated coldly would be anyone’s worst nightmare. Humiliation flashed through his body. All because he was protecting himself. He thought of the Lost One’s story, and Sunoo’s soft spoken words to her. Maybe it was time to stop protecting himself, and start protecting others.

“About what I said earlier…” Sunoo whispered shyly. Sunghoon wracked his brain for what he was talking about, before he remembered their interrupted conversation from before. “Can I think of you as a friend?”

Sunghoon swallowed, looking straight ahead. There it was again. And yet, while Sunghoon couldn't quite muster up the courage to give him a definitive yes yet, he couldn't bring himself to say no. 

“You can think of me however you want,” he answered. 

The grim reaper just didn’t know what he himself wanted.

  
  
⥇

Jay had never dealt with anything like this before. That was the same thing he had thought to himself right when he and Sunghoon had received Sunoo’s name card. But this time. This time he _really_ had never dealt with something like this before. He was used to souls being confused or devastated when they entered the Ground. He was used to seeing people in various states of shock and denial. Sometimes even anger. 

Jay witnessed none of these reactions when Lee Heeseung arrived. What happened instead, was this: 

The soul stepped out of the Egg, completely calm. He took one look at Jay. Blinked once. Twice. 

“Why?” He said. 

Jay answered, “Why what?” just as Heeseung’s eyes fluttered shut and he collapsed on the ground. 

Now how does one deal with that?

Jay didn’t even know if he had ever seen a soul lose consciousness. Certainly not a new arrival, for what could this boy possibly have done within ten seconds to completely drain his energy? 

He kneeled down and roughly shook the boy’s shoulder. When he didn’t stir, Jay frowned and inspected him closely. He had a tall sloped nose, brown hair that fell just over his eyes, and a light dusting of freckles on his cheeks, the faint kind that can only be seen upon close inspection. Jay definitely had never met him before, or at least had no memory of doing so, but his features were startlingly familiar. 

It was like seeing the face of an old friend and thinking, “ah yes, that’s him,” only to realize as an afterthought that the person was crossing your path for the first time. 

Jay settled back on his heels, pondering his next move. He couldn’t just leave the boy sprawled right in front of the Egg. He would certainly get in the way, and most definitely cause Sunoo to startle. Sunghoon would be unflappable as usual, but would be annoyed at having to step over a prone body to enter the room.

So Jay took hold of the soul by both ankles and unceremoniously dragged him across the floor, depositing him against his desk. He hauled the boy up by the armpits and propped him up so that he was sitting somewhat upright. His head lolled, but the soul showed no signs of waking up. Jay rolled his eyes. 

“Don’t get me wrong, I love napping too, but don’t you think you’re being a little dramatic?” He nudged him with the tip of his shoe. No answer. 

“Okay,” Jay said. “Okay, I guess this is how it’s gonna be. I’ll wait and see how I’m going to deal with you once the others get back.”

Jay slouched down into his chair. Who knew dealing with an unconscious person could be so exhausting? Maybe passing out was contagious, because Jay could feel himself drifting off, and he too, would love nothing more than to close his eyes for just a second… 

“Jay.”

He bolted upright.

“Where? When?” He blurted. Jay shook himself awake and looked wildly around, searching for Sunghoon’s disapproving glower. The Ground was empty. He exhaled, running a hand through his hair. Sunghoon was surprisingly lenient with him, not making that much of a fuss the few times he’d encountered Jay sleeping on the job. But apparently the fear of getting caught by his stern companion was still enough to cause him to hallucinate his voice, he thought with some amusement. 

He relaxed, resting his chin in his palm. His eyes drifted lazily around the room until they settled on a spot on the floor just in front of him. He made eye contact. Jay nearly jumped out of his seat. If he still had a beating heart, it surely would’ve stopped in that moment. 

The boy sitting against the front of his desk was looking up at him, regarding him with a careful gaze. 

“Holy sh- you scared me!” Jay exclaimed. He thought he saw a smirk tug on the other boy’s lips, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Well good thing you’re awake. Wouldn’t want Sunghoon and poor Sunoo walking in on you all dead looking and me being clueless.” 

Something in his words made the boy’s eyes widen. Jay laughed.

“Okay yeah, you _are_ dead, but we’re usually not so…” Jay let his head loll to the side in demonstration, sticking his tongue out dramatically for good measure. He straightened up and grinned. The soul did not look amused. He licked his lips, opening his mouth to finally speak. 

“Sunghoon. And Sunoo?” His voice was faint. 

“Yup,” Jay said. “My colleague and my new friend! You’ll meet them soon, they’re currently out and about, doing,” Jay waved his hand around, “things.” 

The soul blinked. A furrow appeared between his brows.

“You don’t talk much do you,” Jay sighed. “Let’s see…” He rummaged around for the name card. “Your name is Heeseung, right?”

The soul eyed the piece of paper with enough intensity to set it on fire.

“You don’t know who I am?”

Jay laughed. “Well I’m just a grim reaper, I’m not omnipotent! Surely you won’t begrudge me the use of a little cheat sheet,” he gestured with the card. The boy was looking impossibly more and more perplexed by the minute. He really looked quite pitiful. 

Before Jay could comment on anything else, the Egg gave a jolt and started turning. 

“Ah, that must be them,” he said with no small measure of relief. Sunghoon would be more responsible with handling a situation like this, and Sunoo had the people skills to coax the soul into saying maybe more than a few words at a time. 

The strange boy slowly turned just as the grim reaper and his new assistant strolled in. Sunghoon immediately caught sight of the soul sitting on the floor and his eyebrows shot up. Sunoo just cocked his head to the side curiously. 

Lee Heeseung burst into tears. 

\---

**I-Land: April 20th, 12:27 PM**

On the day that everything ended, Sunoo was sleeping in. He hadn’t been able to relax his mind enough to fall asleep at his usual time, instead working himself into a frenzy until he finally fell into a fitful sleep around dawn. Sleeping deeply next to him was Heeseung, who had also stayed awake with him, mostly to argue. 

It had taken hours of negotiating and convincing to persuade Heeseung to let him attend Jay’s birthday party, taking into consideration who was going to be there. It wasn’t that Heeseung was controlling, he had just grown insanely protective over the younger during the many months they had been staying together. In his mind, Heeseung had taken it upon himself to be Sunoo’s guardian, seeing as he had no one else now. 

In the end, the elder finally gave in the night before the get together after weeks of debating. He did so grudgingly, and Sunoo got the sense that he was a bit put off with him at the moment. His exact words had been, “Well if you’re so attracted to toxicity, then go and do whatever you want, I can’t stop you.” Sunoo had been left feeling like he had both won and lost the argument.

He slipped out of bed, padding over to where his phone was charging at their shared desk to check the time. It was well after noon. As if on cue, his stomach grumbled, alerting him that it was now lunchtime. Sunoo was on a diet, so he had planned to wait until dinner to eat- but a snack couldn’t hurt. Heading over to the kitchen, he opened the pantry where he kept all his instant food. As expected, there was no tteokbokki since he had been cutting down, and their ramen stash, which Heeseung ate his way through at a frightening pace, was completely depleted. He would have to go out and buy some. 

He crept back into their room where his friend was still deep in slumber. He gently shook his shoulder.

“Mmmm?” The sleeping boy groaned in response. 

“Hyung, can you come with me to the store to buy some ramen?” Sunoo asked as cutely as possible. Heeseung cracked one eye open in a drowsy wink. The eye looked at him in annoyance. Heeseung flipped over to his back, staring at the ceiling. Seeing that he was awake now, Sunoo waited. One minute passed. Two. 

“Aren’t you coming with me?” He whined, after the silence continued to stretch on and on. Heeseung let out a violent sigh that made Sunoo wince. Was he still in a mood from their conversation yesterday?

“Why are you trying to drag me out of bed so early after keeping me up all night?” Heeseung questioned impatiently. Sunoo squinted. 

“It’s already after twelve though…”

“Just go by yourself!” Heeseung cried out. “Let me sleep, _please._ ” Sunoo immediately felt guilty. He had asked out of habit, because he didn’t like going out by himself. In turn, Heeseung always insisted on accompanying him whenever he needed to go somewhere. But the boy was clearly tired, and probably upset about the dinner tonight, and here Sunoo was bothering him. 

It wasn’t like Heeseung didn’t drop everything for Sunoo every other day of the week. He deserved to rest. He hesitated, then drew the blankets back up over the boy who seemed to have already slipped back into sleep. He turned to leave.

“Wait.” Sunoo turned. An arm darted out from underneath the blanket and felt blindly around for the wallet that was lying on the nightstand. 

Sunoo sighed internally. Even when Heeseung was exhausted and annoyed, he still wanted to take care of him. What had he done to deserve an angel like him? The hand finally grabbed ahold of the wallet and was waving it around towards Sunoo.

“Take it. Get yourself anything you need.” 

Sunoo took it from him. Feeling the object leave his hand, Heeseung seemed appeased and rolled around to face the wall, resuming his sleep. 

Sunoo quietly placed the wallet back down and left.

After getting ready, he stood outside the door to their apartment, feeling anxious. He still didn’t want to go to the store alone. He knew this was an opportunity for him to finally be independent, to do something on his own. It was just a ten minute trip to the store, so why was he being like this? It was obvious to him now that Heeseung wouldn’t be by his side to guide him along forever. He had his own life to live, after all.

Despite his musings, Sunoo still pulled out his phone to skim over his list of contacts. A little bit of company wouldn’t hurt, would it? He dialed, and pressed his phone to his ear, waiting as it rang on and on. Just as he was about to change his mind and hang up, thinking it a stupid favor to ask, the person picked up.

“Hello?”

 _Stupid,_ Sunoo thought. Just one word, and his heart was already picking up speed at the sound of the familiar voice. He took a deep breath to steady himself. 

“Sunghoon hyung, do you want to go somewhere with me?”

  
  
  



	4. The Boy and the Fox

_“To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you._   
_And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other._  
_To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…”_

* * *

**I-Land: October 4th**

“Are they coming or not?” Jay asked impatiently. The five of them were all huddled in the small living room of Heeseung’s apartment, the only two people missing being Heeseung himself, and Sunoo. 

Jungwon had finally gotten a call from Heeseung telling him to let everyone in using his passcode. And now they were waiting. Niki fidgeted uncomfortably, an awful sense of foreboding rising in him. He started bouncing his leg as he had a habit of doing when he was anxious, but let out a loud hiss when a flash of pain shot through the limb. 

Everyone turned to look at him. Jungwon frowned at his leg, suddenly noticing the apparent bulge of bandages underneath his slacks. 

“What happened?” Jay asked, following Jungwon’s line of sight. Niki opened his mouth, then hesitated. He saw out of the corner of his eye Jungwon shooting Jay a sharp look, and Jay’s eyes widening as some sort of understanding dawned on him. Of course. Those two probably were so used to his excuses they had just filled in the blanks themselves.

Niki was spared from having to explain himself to the clueless Sunghoon and Jake when the front door slammed open. Heeseung rushed in, stumbling past the living room, completely ignoring them. He darted into his room and emerged a moment later with a backpack, bursting with clothes. Next, he ran to the bathroom, coming out with a toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste which he also stuffed into the backpack. He called to Sunoo, who was standing frozen by the door.

“Grab anything you need and let’s go.” Heeseung’s voice was frantic and commanding, but had an undertone of gentleness to it, like he was trying to coax a wounded animal. 

“What’s going on?” Sunghoon asked worriedly. Heeseung looked at him in surprise, just then noticing all of them sitting there. He quickly settled his features into an unreadable mask. 

“Sunoo and I have to go. It’s an emergency,” he said with a surprising air of calm. Sunoo looked at his feet. 

"What happened? Is everything okay?" Jake asked, his face creased in concern. He tried to direct his words at Sunoo, but the boy wouldn't meet any of their eyes. 

“You can’t be serious.” A harsh voice cut through the air, heavy with a sneer. Heeseung whipped around. 

“Excuse me?” 

“You’re seriously ditching us. Right now? What about the trip?” Niki’s volume was rising with mounting anger. And from the look on Heeseung’s face, he didn’t appreciate the tone. 

“No offense, but we have more significant things to worry about right now,” Heeseung replied frostily. "I think camping can wait." The others stared. Niki had risen to his feet and was now standing opposite of Heeseung, while Sunoo still stood motionless by the entrance. 

“Of course it would be you two,” Niki continued. “He probably decided he would prefer to go off somewhere else on his own, and you just went along with it, giving in to him like you always do.” Heeseung’s stoic face was now clouding over with anger. “Always at the beck and call of the person who only cares about himself.” 

“ _Niki.”_ The reprimand came, surprisingly, from Sunghoon. His jaw was clenched, and he didn’t look too happy with Niki’s outburst either. 

“I assure you,” Heeseung said, each word spoken through gritted teeth, “that this is the last thing Sunoo wants to be doing right now. But in my opinion,” he said looking straight at Niki. “With the way you’re acting right now, going anywhere with _you_ comes a close second.” 

Niki inhaled sharply, reeling back as if he had been punched. The anger in his eyes melted into something softer, more fragile. The two pinpricks of flame were extinguished into swimming pools of hurt. 

"I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more," Heeseung continued relentlessly, his temper set off, "from the person Jungwon picked up off the street." 

“Heeseung! That’s enough.”

Jungwon put a protective hand on Niki’s shoulder. Heeseung sneered at them. 

“Oh so it’s only enough when it comes to him, huh? He can say anything he wants about Sunoo who’s _right there_ , but one ill word against your precious Niki and you finally feel the need to step in?” 

Everyone else was shifting uncomfortably, not knowing where to look. The tension bubbling in the air was suffocating. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Jungwon replied exasperatedly. “ _Both_ of you need to stop this. But hyung, Sunoo can speak for himself. When will you stop treating him like a child?” Sunoo, who had been quietly listening in the background, flinched.

“When all of you stop treating him like he’s disposable,” Heeseung spat. 

“Disposable? _Disposable?_ Aren’t you two the ones always tossing the rest of us aside for each other?” Niki cried out.

“Please don’t fight.”

At the sound of the soft voice coming from the doorway, everyone’s attention broke away from the tense altercation. Sunoo looked forlorn and on the verge of tears, twisting his hands together anxiously. 

“I know I’m selfish, okay? But this time it’s not about me, I swear. I’m sorry,” he said to the floor, voice cracking. 

“Don’t apologize,” Heeseung hissed. 

"Sunoo, whatever it is you need to do, go ahead," Jake said comfortingly. "We can always reschedule." Sunghoon hummed in agreement, silently willing Sunoo not to cry. Jay looked conflicted, his eyes darting back and forth between Sunoo and Niki.

“Where are you going?” Niki asked, finally addressing Sunoo directly. "We've been planning this for months, Sunoo hyung. Why are you leaving me now?" He sounded defeated, his voice small. Sunoo opened his mouth hesitantly to reply. 

“You don't need to answer him,” Heeseung cut in. He cast a disappointed look at Niki, who was folding into himself. “He’s not entitled to your explanation." Sunoo quickly shut his mouth with a guilty expression. "If you have everything, let’s go.” 

“So that’s it? You’re just gonna disappear and leave us to wonder what the hell you’re up to?” The bitterness edged its way back into Niki's voice, masking the hurt. “Typical,” he spat. 

Heeseung was already steering Sunoo out into the hallway, backpack slung over his shoulder. In his haste to leave, he hadn’t bothered closing the zipper and the bag gaped open, revealing its contents which mostly consisted of clothes. 

Niki noticed and snorted. "So you're staying overnight somewhere else instead? Leave then,” he muttered, sounding crazed. “Leave, leave, _leave_.” 

Heeseung stopped short. He didn’t turn around. 

“Get out of my apartment,” he said. “And go to hell.” 

Then the two boys disappeared from sight.

⥇

  
  


Jungwon would insist for months after the fact that what had happened hadn’t been Niki’s fault. Niki thought that his friend deluded himself sometimes in his efforts to protect him. Anyone who had been there that day who was also in possession of eyes and ears could very clearly determine that he was single handedly responsible for destroying their three year friendship. The seven of them, who had once come as a single unit, were now fractured into bits and pieces, as everyone struggled to decide where their loyalties lay. 

And it all centered around him. Those who were against him, and those who knew he was in the wrong, but somehow saw something worth salvaging. Niki personally didn’t think he deserved for anyone to remain by his side.

To his horror, the universe seemed to agree. As if the hand of fate was playing some kind of twisted joke on him, the people he loved began to disappear from this world, one by one.   
  
  


\---

**The Ground**

"Is this the other special case?” Sunghoon demanded sharply. 

“Uh… yeah,” Jay croaked, at a loss for words. Today was just not his day. First he got a special case, who fainted right upon arrival, and now said case was a mess of tears at his feet. It just couldn’t get more bizarre than this. 

While Jay’s face was a mess of confusion, and Sunghoon’s a mask of sternness as always, Sunoo’s brow was crumpled in worry. He closed the distance between himself and the soul, kneeling down before him. 

“Are you okay?” He inquired softly. The soul gave no answer, emitting no noises that gave away his visible stress. The only indicator of his emotions were the silent tears streaming heavily down his cheeks.

Sunoo reached out cautiously to provide some physical comfort, giving the other plenty of time to pull away. When he didn’t, he gently laid a hand on top of the soul’s— and immediately wrenched it away. He reeled back, falling onto his backside with a thump. For the split second that their skin had brushed together, Sunoo felt as though he had been hit by a truck. He gasped in pain, feeling as though he was being crushed from the inside out. As soon as he pulled his hand away though, the feeling vanished as quickly as it had come. 

The soul was looking at him strangely. Confusion, fear, and… yearning? Sunoo shook himself and smiled weakly. 

“Sorry about that, I just lost my balance for a second. Um… what’s your name?” 

“Sunoo,” Heeseung breathed, looking at him with wide, shining eyes. Sunoo’s eyes widened. 

“Woah,” he said. “We already have so much in common!” He grinned. Jay snorted loudly.

“ _He’s_ not Sunoo, _you’re_ Sunoo. His name is Heeseung.” 

“Hyung,” Heeseung said hoarsely. Sunoo looked at him in confusion. “Call me hyung.” 

“Oh you do look older than me,” Sunoo exclaimed. “Heeseung hyung, was it? I can call you that?”

Heeseung nodded slowly and Sunoo beamed. 

“How did you know my name though?” He asked curiously. 

“I…” 

“I told him,” Jay chirped. “Now that you’re acquainted with our lovely Sunoo,” he told Heeseung, “if you’ll look over to your right, that scary boy scowling over there is Sunghoon. He's the colleague I mentioned.” 

“If you’re quite done with your introductions, can we ask him what his impediment is already?” Sunghoon snapped. Jay just looked at him tiredly. 

“Why ask when you already know?” 

“It could be different this time,” Sunghoon said sourly. “It’s not like this happens everyday.”

“Apparently it does now!” Jay sounded far too chipper for Sunghoon’s sanity. He looked over to where Sunoo was comforting the soul with little pats on the shoulder and that signature eye smile of his. The boy wiped his tears away and gazed at Sunoo as if entranced. Sunghoon scoffed. 

“I’ll sum it up briefly,” he said, directing his words at Heeseung. The boy met his stare evenly. “You need to resolve your impediment to move onto the afterlife. The three of us,” he gestured between himself, Sunoo, and Jay, “came here with no impediment written on our name card and no memories. What do you remember?” He asked bluntly. 

“So none of you remember anything?” Heeseung questioned in return. 

“Sadly, no,” Sunoo gave a small smile. “But we can help each other remember, if you tell us what you know.”

“Do you remember anything or not?” Sunghoon repeated impatiently. 

“Hmm,” was Heeseung’s reply. They waited for him to elaborate. Heeseung just blinked owlishly at them. 

Sunghoon really would have reached out and throttled the soul if he weren’t so against violence on anyone who wasn’t Jay. 

“Are you _trying_ to be difficult?” 

“Not trying, no,” Heeseung said with a hint of a smirk. Jay coughed, the way he always did when he was covering up a laugh. He did this when the subject of his laughter was a Sunghoon in distress and he was trying to avoid getting punched. Sunghoon however, detected his poorly concealed amusement. 

“Is this funny to you,” he asked flatly.

“I can’t think of a single reason why it would be,” Jay replied, after straightening his face. Sunoo giggled, and Sunghoon didn’t miss the way the newcomer turned to look at him fondly. His eye twitched, and he had the sudden inexplicable urge to pull Heeseung away from Sunoo. A thought occurred to him. 

“You know what,” he said, a smile playing on his lips, “I have an idea.” He looked directly at Jay, who paled. The grim reaper dove dramatically onto the floor, sliding behind Sunoo.

“Sunghoon’s smiling, Sunghoon’s smiling, this can’t mean anything good, save me Sunoo-” 

Sunghoon started towards him and Jay scrambled backwards on his hands and feet. 

“Oh my god I knew this day would come, I’m too young to die,” he blabbered. Sunghoon rolled his eyes and grasped Jay by the forearm, pulling him to his feet. 

“I’m not going to kill you,” he said. “Yet.” Jay pouted. 

“What are you going to do to me then,” he asked suspiciously. 

“Only exactly what you’ve done for me,” Sunghoon replied. 

“You’re going to be the best partner ever and take over my shifts whenever I ask you to?” Jay said hopefully. Sunghoon ignored him. He stalked over to Heeseung and pulled him up to his feet as well. The soul just looked at him curiously, not at all bothered by the manhandling. 

“Here we have a soul with no impediment who needs his memory jogged. I suggest we follow your advice.” Sunghoon pushed Heeseung towards the gaping grim reaper. 

“Congrats, Jay. I just hired you an assistant.” 

⥇

Jay supposed it was fair. He had forced Sunoo to shadow an unwilling Sunghoon after all. Although he would dare make the argument that Sunoo was probably the most pleasant person in the world to be stuck with. This soul, on the other hand… 

There was nothing wrong with him per say. He seemed perfectly amicable, albeit a little reserved- like he was holding himself back somehow. He would constantly glance at Jay out of the corner of his eye, but when Jay would meet his gaze he would hold it unabashedly. 

Heeseung wore a strange expression on his face. He looked sad. 

All in all, Jay was a little wary of the guy. If the staring wasn’t enough to creep him out, his peculiar line of questioning was.

“Jay.”

“Hm?” He replied absentmindedly. They were in the egg, on the way to the hospital.

Jay had received a case and Sunghoon insisted on Heeseung’s attendance. He steeled himself for another day of work that would leave him drained and weak. 

The soul on the name card was a child, a young girl who had died in a car crash. Sunghoon had actually been the one to open the envelope, but had frozen once he saw the contents. Jay peeked over his shoulder and immediately offered to take the case for him. Sunghoon nodded gratefully, relieved to once again avoid dealing with children as much as possible.

“Why did you die?” Heeseung asked, breaking him out of his thoughts.

“I don’t remember how I died,” Jay laughed awkwardly. “Didn’t you get the memo?”

“Not how,” Heeseung said quietly. “Why.” 

He didn’t know what to say to that. He let a moment’s awkward silence pass between them before he simply said, “Why do any of us die? Some things are beyond our control.” 

“And what if someone willingly, carelessly threw away their life?” 

There was something in his voice that told Jay that it was more than just a hypothetical question, but he still didn’t know what answer the boy wanted. 

“Then there must have been a reason, doesn’t there?” He replied. He fidgeted uncomfortably, glad that at least in the darkness of the egg, he could avoid Heeseung’s piercing gaze for the time being. 

“What would your reason be?” 

Jay exhaled sharply out of his nose, already getting annoyed with all the questions. It was a strange feeling- he was used to being the annoying one, not the one being annoyed. But something about this soul plucked a nerve in him. He struggled to pinpoint the feelings he held towards the other boy. It wasn’t dislike. He knew that. It was just that he felt lost when he was around him, like there was something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. 

Maybe it was the way that he _wanted_ to have all the answers for Heeseung. Maybe it was the way Heeseung looked at him like he knew Jay better than Jay knew himself. Maybe it was the way Jay wanted desperately to be remembered by someone, but refused to place any hope in that familiarity in Heeseung’s eyes. 

He was saved from having to answer the soul’s last question when they abruptly arrived to the hospital, stepping out into a dimly lit waiting room. 

The young soul was waiting for them there, looking scared and vulnerable. As soon as she saw them however, she fearlessly approached Jay and took him by the hand, pulling him down a hallway and into a dark room.

“My mom,” the girl said, voice trembling, “can’t come with me, can she?” 

Jay struggled to get his eyes to adjust, a hint of light barely filtering in through the shuttered windows. He saw Heeseung take a few steps farther into the room. “Is she dead?” Jay asked carefully. The girl shook her head. “Is she alive?” 

Again, she shook her head, and pointed. They followed her finger towards the bed in the center of the room, and in it a woman, hooked up to a heart rate monitor and ventilator. She was clearly in a coma.

“Oh,” Jay said. The girl looked on the verge of breaking down, and to his surprise, Heeseung didn’t look too far off either. He was staring at the bed like it was a ghost come back to haunt him, and his eyes looked suspiciously shiny. His chest rose and fell in rapid breaths. 

Jay wanted to question him about it, but he first knelt down and placed his hand on the girl’s head, focusing until the rush of energy hit his fingertips. Once the connection was established, he called out to his companion. 

“Uh, are you okay? Hee?” Heeseung snapped out of the trance he had been in, looking away from the unconscious woman. 

“Yeah, sorry…” He ruffled his hair with a trembling hand. “Just feels familiar,” he breathed. Jay wanted to pry further, but he had a job to do first. He focused his attention back on the girl. 

“Your mother can’t come with you, but she’s going to stay here and the doctors will take really good care of her, okay?” He murmured in what he hoped was a soothing tone. “Now you need to be good for her and take a little trip somewhere. Do you think you can do that?” 

“Alone?” She asked. Initially she had been tense as a rock, but as Jay continued to maintain the transfer, the stress seeped out of her body, little by little. She looked up at him, her lip wobbling. “But I’ll miss her.” 

Jay winced as a particularly harsh wave hit him and he struggled not to break the connection. He just grit his teeth and absorbed it. 

“You’ll be fine, honey.” Jay put on a smile for her, with effort. “You have to go and wait for her there, so she’ll be able to find you later.” He watched as the corner of her mouth finally twitched into a little smile. 

“Okay,” she said, and he sighed in relief, letting go. As soon as the contact was broken, it was like an elastic band snapped, and he stumbled back. Instead of hitting the floor, however, he felt a hand at the small of his back, pushing him upright. 

The egg appeared in the middle of the room, basking all of them in a warm glow. Without a glance back at them, the girl stepped in unhesitatingly, and vanished. 

Jay cleared his throat awkwardly. He looked sideways at Heeseung, who still had a hand on his back. He stepped away quickly.

“Well… that’s generally how it works, I guess,” Jay said, struggling to catch his breath. The exhaustion was setting in rapidly, and his chest ached with a pain that didn’t belong there. 

“Something tells me that’s _not_ generally how it works,” Heeseung replied, eyeing him carefully. There he went again, knowing more than he should, Jay thought. _Annoying._

“Yeah, well.” He blinked his eyes rapidly as his vision swam. “She needed a little push. She was mourning her mother.” 

“You absorb their grief,” Heeseung said as realization dawned on him. “That’s what you were doing, wasn’t it?” Jay’s eyes bulged. Just how perceptive was this guy? “How long have you been doing this?” Heeseung continued, not waiting for an answer.

Jay struggled to remain conscious as he summoned the egg back and stepped inside, gesturing for Heeseung to follow.

“Since I realized I could. So pretty early on, I guess.” 

“Why do you do it?” 

Jay scoffed. What a silly question. But he took his time explaining.

“Me and Sunghoon, we both have different abilities that can come in handy in this line of work. He can… well, he can tell you himself, but his ability is pretty different from mine. But for me, I’m able to transfer the negative energy from a soul- pain, grief, anger, whatever it may be- to myself.” He heard Heeseung inhale sharply. “No memories means I don't have any of my own pain to carry around, anyway. If I can ease the burden of others, and make it easier for them to move on-” Jay let out a wry chuckle, “Why wouldn’t I?”

“It obviously has a negative effect on you,” Heeseung observed. For some reason that Jay couldn’t figure out, he sounded cross. “And what if you do remember everything eventually? Then you’ll have your own grief to deal with. It’ll overwhelm you. Don't be careless with yourself, Jay.” 

If Jay had the energy to laugh, he would. His initial reservations about the soul were quickly melting away, replaced by a feeling of warmth and comfort. Even right now, he felt like he was being lectured by an older brother. 

“I’ll cross that bridge if I come to it,” he assured. 

They lapsed into silence for a while as the egg carried them back to the Ground and Jay fought to remain upright. 

When they arrived, he suddenly remembered something that Heeseung had said earlier. He stepped into the Ground, and as the light hit his eyes again, he finally realized how dizzy he had become. He tried to take several steadying breaths. 

“It would be because I’m tired,” Jay said. He swallowed painfully, the ache in his chest growing and spreading, leeching into his bones and weighing his limbs down like lead.

“What?” Heeseung frowned. 

“You asked me what my reason would be,” he clarified. The world spun as Jay clung on to his last remaining bit of energy that was still untinged. It was all worth it to him. Being able to help others would always be worth it, but that didn't make it any less difficult. He sighed heavily. “I’m _tired_.” 

Heeseung’s shoulders slumped as something like understanding passed through his eyes. He looked relieved, like he had just solved a complex problem that had been itching at him for ages, but there was also that sadness still lingering when he looked at Jay.

Jay clutched his knees as he bent over, trying to steady himself. He felt an arm wind its way around his shoulders, supporting him.

“Oh Jongseong-ah,” he heard Heeseung mutter. “When will you rest?” 

Jay only vaguely registered what the boy had said and distantly wondered how the soul knew his birth name before his legs went boneless and he slumped into Heeseung’s arms. 

“ _You’ve done well. I’m here now.”_

  
  
  


\---

  
  


**I-Land: June 28th**

Rain fell in sheets around him, slashing at the pavement. The chill that dampened his clothes and stuck to his skin was nothing compared to the cold that was settling into his bones, rendering them frozen and immobile. Stiff fingers clutched his bag to his chest, shielding its contents from the harsh onpouring. 

There are two types of destinations: the one you plan for, and the one your feet leads you to. This place was the latter. As soon as his evening class ended, Jungwon had mindlessly walked and walked for what had probably been miles and ended up here. The building loomed over him like a formidable mountain. That one step through the entrance seemed as impossible as scaling the side of the steepest cliff. 

Sighing, he finally ducked under the roof of the building, taking cover. He pulled out his phone, already having resolved to not go in. To walk back now would take hours. He searched up the nearest bus stops, and was relieved to find that there was one right down the street from where he was. He was trying to decide whether to make a run for it or wait out the rain when he suddenly felt a tingling on the back of his neck, like he sensed someone’s presence. He turned and spotted a flash of familiar green. 

Leaning against the side of the mint green pickup truck was a tall boy with a mop of brown hair that was somehow fluffy and dry even in the storm. In his hand he carried a bright red umbrella that clashed hideously with his car. Something about the ugly contrast of colors and the lanky but elegant boy standing calmly amidst the raging shower was wonderfully aesthetic. Jungwon scrambled for his camera, taking care to stay well under the roof and out of the rain. He snapped a picture just as the boy looked up and noticed him. The expression that was plastered on his face as the flash went off was akin to that of a deer in headlights.

He lowered the camera sheepishly and waved to the boy, who was already making his way towards him. 

“Jungwon,” he said when he had stopped before him. His eyes flicked to the building they were in front of before narrowing slightly. Jungwon gulped. 

“Heeseung hyung, what are you doing here?” 

“I should be asking you that, for someone who said he was too ashamed to be seen here.” 

Jungwon sighed. “I didn’t plan on coming. It just kind of happened. I just walked without thinking.” 

Heeseung made a startled noise. “You walked here?” 

Jungwon nodded. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t go in.” 

Heeseung pursed his lips into a thin line. “You may as well have if you came all this way. What are you so afraid of? It’s not like he’s going to sit up in his bed and yell at you.” 

Jungwon flinched, and Heeseung’s eyes widened slightly as he realized what he’d said. At this point, both of them wanted nothing more than for Sunoo to do just that, to wake up and scold them for being so stupid and cowardly. If not wake up, then at least show some sign that he could come back to them. A flutter of an eyelash. A twitch of a finger. _Something._

“Jake called me and insisted that I come pick you up. You’re stupid if you think you’re walking back to the dorms in this rain without getting hypothermia.” 

Jungwon frowned. “Jake called you? I didn’t tell him I was coming here though. I didn’t even plan on coming.” 

Heeseung huffed. “Fine, maybe he didn’t call me. I came myself.” At Jungwon’s raised eyebrow, he added, “I swung by your dorm earlier and you weren’t there. And I saw your car still in the parking lot.” 

“How did you know I was here though?” 

Heeseung rolled his eyes. “I made all of you share your locations to my phone, remember?” 

Ah, that was right. He had forgotten that Heeseung, ever the responsible oldest friend, had made sure that in the case of any emergency, he’d be able to find them. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t told Heeseung where he was that time he called him to get him and Niki out of trouble at the store either. His heart clenched painfully at the realization that even now, when he all but resented them, Heeseung was looking after them from afar. He really was an angel. 

“Get out of the rain and into my car, you nuisance,” Heeseung said. There was no bite to his words. He sounded drained, and a touch worried. It made Jungwon wonder if they all lived their days in a constant state of fear now, wondering what world shattering incident would be lurking around the next corner. 

He made his way over to the truck, tucking his chin to his chest and clutching his bag over his head in a useless attempt to take cover from the rain. The pounding of water against the thin material of his t-shirt suddenly ceased, and for a moment he thought it had worked, that his tiny little backpack had created some sort of force shield around him. 

He looked up, but instead of seeing the path in front of him, all he saw was red. He walked until his feet met a large tire, and he slipped into the passenger seat as Heeseung closed the umbrella above them. 

The first few minutes of the ride back to his dorm were quiet, almost painfully so. After Sunoo had lost consciousness and not woken up, Jungwon had grown to loathe silence. 

“Can you put on some music,” he mumbled sheepishly. Heeseung reached over and plugged his phone in, quickly typing his password with one hand while keeping his eyes on the road. 

“What do you want to hear?” 

“You.” 

Heeseung’s hand stilled. Jungwon looked out the window, feeling his cheeks warm. He felt a nudge at his wrist, and then Heeseung was pushing the phone into his hand. 

“All my stuff is under the playlist called covers,” he told him, his eyes still fixed straight ahead. 

Jungwon scrolled until he found the song he was looking for and pressed play. The soft tendrils of a familiar melody filled the car, caressing his cold, soaked body, and entwining itself between the months-old space that had grown between the two boys. 

“I still have it as my ringtone,” Jungwon suddenly felt the need to say. 

“Mm,” came the reply. 

It was only when Jungwon noticed how far they had made their way down the playlist that he realized how slowly the car was inching along. 

“The traffic usually isn’t this bad,” he said nervously, peering ahead and behind them to see a long string of cars stretching in both directions. Heeseung had offered to drive him, but he still didn’t want to be a bother by taking up most of his evening just idling in traffic. 

“There’s a bus accident,” Heeseung stated calmly. “Either the road ahead is blocked, or it's a case of rubbernecking. Just be patient.” 

Jungwon stared. Bus accident? To think, he had been about to take the bus home… Sure, it could be any number of buses that had crashed, not necessarily the one he would’ve been on but the thought still sent an involuntary shiver down his spine. 

After ten minutes, give or take, the road cleared and they made it the rest of the way without a hitch. Heeseung pulled into the parking lot of his dorm building, and Jungwon thanked him shyly. He already had one hand on the door handle, but before he could leave, a hand clamped down firmly on his wrist. He jumped. 

Heeseung was staring at him in a way that was almost unnerving. 

“What is it,” Jungwon asked nervously. 

“If you’re ever stuck somewhere without your car again, don’t take the bus. I’ll come and get you.” 

Well that was unexpected. It had already been enough to impose this one time, but here Heeseung was, asking him to call upon him whenever he needed. He was tempted to politely decline, but was enraptured by Heeseung’s earnest gaze. 

“Okay,” he said slowly. “I’ll do that. If you don’t mind.” Heeseung didn’t say anything to that, so Jungwon gently drew his wrist out of his grasp. 

“One more thing.”

“Hm?” 

“Why haven’t you visited Jay’s house yet?” Jungwon froze. “I’m sure his parents would appreciate hearing from you,” Heeseung said. Jungwon felt himself flush hot and cold all over. 

‘Why do you think, hyung?” He said bitingly. 

“I’m assuming the same reason you won’t even step foot in Sunoo’s hospital.” Jungwon’s wince was confirmation. Heeseung sighed. He reached over Jungwon’s lap and opened the passenger door. Still leaning over, he turned his head to meet Jungwon’s eyes, bringing his face intimidatingly close. 

“When you stop blaming yourself,” he said, “there’s something waiting for you there.” 

Jungwon just nodded curtly and left without another word, already tired of trying to decipher Heeseung’s cryptic mannerisms. 

Safely back in his dorm, he stripped out of his drenched clothes and took a much needed hot shower. Although the soothing water eased the ache out of his frozen stiff muscles, a nagging feeling remained in the back of his head. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t wash off the sensation. 

Just what did Heeseung want from him? Why was he so insistent that he visit Sunoo? Or Jay’s house of all places? He wasn’t that awful of a friend, he had paid his due respects at his grave. He had attended the funeral- both of them. He had visited Sunghoon and Jay once with a bouquet of flowers like Heeseung and Jake did every month, before he found that it was just too painful. But visiting a grave and a house were two very different things. 

A grave was where someone was laid to rest. It signified their death, the loss of their existence in this world. A house was the exact opposite; it was full of existence. It was a place where people lived, existed, and when one person left that house, everyone else who was left behind had to keep right on living and existing in their absence. Jungwon didn’t think he could bear to exist in a place where Jay used to be alive. 

He toweled himself off numbly, and turned the TV on to a random local news channel while he boiled some water to make tea. When his ears processed the drone of the reporter’s words, he snapped to attention. 

“A head on collision involving a car and a city bus left several injured and resulted in a single casualty. A six year old girl, yet to be identified, died on impact…” 

The woman continued rattling out more details and Jungwon felt his heart drop to his feet like a stone. The bus had left from the very same street he had been on just under an hour ago. He and Heeseung had encountered the resulting traffic not long after they had left from the hospital. Not long after Jungwon would’ve taken the bus. 

He exhaled sharply. The exhale turned into a giggle. Before he knew it, he was full on laughing hysterically, tears budding in his eyes. Wasn’t he just so _lucky?_ He slid to the ground and sat there, frozen. He looked at the screen where they were now displaying a picture of the poor girl, probably an old school photo. She was dressed prettily, in a neat collared dress with her hair pulled into a braid and tied off with red ribbon. 

Could that have been him? 

He thought of the people he had lost already, the ones who had not been fortunate enough to escape their fate. He thought of how close he could have come tonight to meeting those friends beyond the grave.

_‘_ Just how easy is it,’ he wondered, ‘to exist one moment, and be gone the next?’ 

\---

**The Ground**

Sunoo slipped quietly into Sunghoon’s room, closing the door behind him. The grim reaper looked up at him in surprise. Sunoo attempted a small smile.

“That was pretty strange, huh? First me, and now Heedeungie hyung, I’m sure you’re overwhelmed with everything,” he said. 

Sunghoon raised an eyebrow. “... Heedeungie?”

Sunoo perked up. “Yeah, friends give each other nicknames, right? And he’s just like me, a special case, so we're automatically friends!” 

Sunghoon bit back the inquiry that was on his tongue. Did he have a nickname? 

“I prefer to call people by their birth name,” he chose to say instead. Sunoo rolled his eyes. 

“So boring,” he muttered. Sunghoon winced internally. “Anyways,” Sunoo continued, “I know you’ve been distracted and all that, but now that Heeseung and Jay have gone off on their own and we’re alone…” 

Sunghoon’s eyes widened fractionally. 

“I just meant,” Sunoo scrambled to say. “About what happened on the beach,” he hesitated. “Well, I’d like to be of some use at least while I’m here, and I figured I could try to help you.”

Sunghoon was stunned. Was Sunoo offering to view his memories? More importantly, was Sunghoon willing to expose himself like that, lay himself vulnerable for the boy who he was already in danger of giving too much of himself to? 

And either way, wasn’t it too late for him now? He was a grim reaper, after all. He had already failed to resolve his impediment. In theory, he should be stuck here forever, regardless of what he remembers or not. But something about the shining hope in Sunoo’s eyes made him want to try- even if he was afraid of what those eyes might find if they looked inside him.

“Shouldn’t you be focusing on yourself? You still have to remember what happened and who killed you, after all,” he remarked. Sunoo sighed.

“That would be convenient, wouldn’t it? But I already tried. I don’t think it works like that. I can see other people’s pasts, but not my own it looks like,” he said forlornly. Sunghoon should have expected this. He thought of his darkest moments here in the Ground, when he longed for an escape, to be anywhere else. He too, had discovered that his ability wouldn’t work on himself. 

“That’s why I want to help you,” Sunoo said, his face brightening. “So at least this… ability of mine, won’t go to waste.”

Sunghoon nodded slowly. “If you want to… We can try it.” Sunoo's cheeks dimpled, and Sunghoon felt a rush of warmth fill his body. This little soul was so bright, so easy to please, how could he have ever wished for him to dim his light? Despite what his inner conscience was telling him, all he wanted to do was throw caution and propriety to the wind and do whatever it took to make sure that smile never left his face. 

Sunoo took a seat right beside him, and Sunghoon bristled at the proximity. Not because he was uncomfortable, moreso that he was _flustered,_ which was something he was not used to being. It worried and thrilled him at the same time. Was this what it felt like to be alive? 

His silent question was answered as Sunoo suddenly took his hand, and he jolted. Sunoo's hand was soft, free of the weathered lines and callouses that mapped out Sunghoon’s palms. He wished he could soften his own hands, so that Sunoo wouldn’t have to feel his roughness. 

He tried not to stare as Sunoo closed his eyes, his face contorting in concentration. He definitely did not fixate on the way his nose scrunched up cutely, or the way his lips automatically pursed into a pout. He did however, become increasingly worried as a shiver ran through Sunoo, and another one, and another one, until the boy was shaking so hard that he was practically vibrating.

“Sunoo!” He said forcefully. “Stop it.” If the soul could hear him, he didn't show it, already lost in his own world. The boy's grip on him grew tighter, and Sunghoon’s hand shook where it was clasped between Sunoo’s. He tried to open his mouth to warn Sunoo again, to call off the whole thing and be done with it. It certainly wasn’t worth Sunoo straining himself like this. 

But when he tried to speak up, words failed him. He couldn’t think of what he had meant to say, and soon he was having trouble formulating thoughts at all. It was like his mind was being sucked empty, left as a blank slate. All he could do was look. 

Sunoo suddenly froze. The creases disappeared from his face and his mouth went slack. He sat completely still, except for where the rapid movement of his eyes beneath his lids could be seen, like he was having an intense dream. Sunghoon still couldn’t think, his mind a vacuum of white noise. He looked.

After a moment, those eyes sprang open to reveal pupils blown wide, stark black against honey brown irises. 

_Beautiful,_ Sunghoon thought. He was unable to think about why he had been able to think that thought, and before he could not-dwell on it any further, everything went white. 

⥇

The girl couldn’t have been much more than five years old. Her shiny black hair was still neatly done in a single plait tucked over one shoulder, the braid tied off with a crimson ribbon. 

She blinked up at him with wide brown eyes and considered him with a startlingly piercing gaze. She was a pretty child, perfect like a doll in every way. Except- 

If Sunghoon watched her closely enough, kept his eyes trained on her for more than a minute without looking away, he could see the edges of her form flickering just slightly. This might not have been enough to alert him that anything was amiss. After all, he was still settling into his job, and he didn’t have the experience or the prior knowledge to be the judge of such things.

So Sunghoon might have thought this was a perfectly normal soul, a child that was merely in need of a small push to enter the afterlife where she could rest in peace. Except for two things: 

  1. She would (could?) not talk. 
  2. Her name card was completely blank. 



He consulted Jay about this, but his partner was just as lost as he was. 

And so she came to stay with them, this nameless, mute soul. Whenever they asked her what she was called, she invariably provided no response, silently fingering the edges of the ribbon in her hair. When Sunghoon decided to take a closer look, he saw the letters _L.U._ printed on the thin strip of fabric.

They were most likely her initials, but without any idea what the letters stood for, they resorted to just calling her Lu. Before long, Lu started tailing Sunghoon wherever he went, clinging to his leg until he predictably gave in and brought her along on his cases. If any of the souls he met found anything strange about the brightly dressed child hanging behind the person who called himself a grim reaper, they didn’t comment on it.

Several weeks went by like this, until Jay confronted him. 

“This has to stop, Sunghoon,” he said tiredly. The grim reaper’s tone and appearance looked dim, the way he always looked after returning from a long day of work. Sunghoon constantly told Jay not to over exert himself, but of course the boy wouldn’t listen.

“What are you talking about?”

“She’s hurting. Look at her.” Sunghoon looked. Lu had indeed gone from flickering slightly at the edges to becoming almost translucent. Sunghoon had resorted to ignoring her condition, because what else could he do? He had already tried everything under the sun. 

“She doesn’t act like she’s hurting,” Sunghoon stated defensively. He didn’t like where this conversation was going.

“Those who are unable to speak can’t voice their pain, Hoon. Be logical.” 

“How can I be logical,” Sunghoon hissed. “That’s a _child_ , Jay. What would you have me do?” 

Jay gave him a look. He didn’t have to say anything. They both knew. 

“What I know you’re able to do.” Sunghoon squeezed his eyes shut. 

“Sure,” he said. “But just because I’m able to do something, doesn’t mean I’m capable of it.” Jay looked at him pitifully, and oh how he hated that look. 

“I’ve only done _that_ when they specifically ask me to- when they prefer oblivion over anything else. I can’t… not to _her._ ”

“So you’d have her die slowly then?” 

“She’s already dead.” 

“She doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know anything. All she knows is that she’s been ripped from the world she knew and now she’s slowly fading away, not knowing how to heal herself.” 

“I’ll heal her,” Sunghoon gritted his teeth. 

“Heal her by sending her to rest. Before it’s too late.” Jay sounded resigned. But Sunghoon wasn’t.

He didn’t send her to rest. He tried, every night, to get the little soul to sleep. She only looked at him without a word, shaking her head. 

“Please,” he begged her hoarsely. “If you don’t sleep, there’s no way to replenish your energy, and you’ll keep fading away…” He made to grasp her hand but his fingers swam through empty air. He stared. He had passed right through her. He clutched the air where her hand was and cried until he exhausted himself. 

When he woke up, Lu was sitting by his bed side. Sunghoon was tucked in with his blanket drawn to his chin and the door to his room was open. Jay didn’t say anything to him that morning.

On other days, Sunghoon approached a different tactic. 

“Please, try to remember. Do you know how it was that you di- what you were doing before you came here?” 

He would get the same response every time. Lu would make a closed fist with one hand, swinging it to hit her other open palm. Sunghoon could only guess what it meant. Had someone… punched her? Hit her? He didn’t even want to think along that route. It could also represent some type of collision, possibly a car crash. But without words, there was no way to know. 

Jay got quieter and quieter as the days passed. He seldom teased Sunghoon at all anymore, and when he did it was clear that he was pulling his punches. This alone, should have worried him. And yet, he continued on, as though the three of them could live together in this place forever without anyone having to leave. He ignored the sense of foreboding that the gloomy mood in the Ground instilled, as if some impending doom was upon him. 

If he was to be doomed, he would want it to be by surprise. 

In the end, it was of course no surprise to anyone. But Sunghoon didn’t think anything could have prepared him anyway. Lu had been fading rapidly, her skin almost completely see through, and he was unable to do anything but lightly stroke her hair. If he wasn’t gentle enough, he would pass right through her. 

She climbed into his lap when it happened, as if she knew she was leaving. She felt like nothing. Her once lustrous hair hung loose around her shoulders, faded to a hazy gray. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered to her. She smiled and reached down, pressing something into his hand. It felt solid between his fingers, and he looked down in shock. When he looked back up, she was gone. 

Park Sunghoon hated children. 

⥇

Sunghoon was jolted back into the present. He felt a final squeeze on his hand before the pressure was released. He warily opened his eyes. Sunoo was staring back at him with his mouth hanging open. 

“So you saw it all then?” He asked, knowing the answer. The boy nodded sadly. Sunghoon sighed. “It’s funny. You’re trying to help me recover my memories, and instead you see the one thing I wish I could forget.” A flash of pain crossed Sunoo’s face, mixed with guilt. “It’s not your fault,” he added, in case the soul was about to start blaming himself. 

Blame didn’t get anyone anywhere. He knew, because he wallowed in it everyday.

Sunghoon startled at the feeling of something soft brushing his skin. He looked down to see Sunoo grazing his fingers over the red ribbon that was tied around his wrist. 

“Is that—”

Sunghoon nodded, and Sunoo fell silent. 

Sunghoon laughed bitterly. “I tied her to me back then, and even after she left, I continue to do the same.”

“She gave it to you. She wanted to stay,” Sunoo whispered. 

“She didn’t know any better. I should have let her go sooner, put her out of her misery. Instead I tried to— to _keep_ her, as if she was some pet,” Sunghoon croaked. Sunoo shook his head vigorously. 

“That wasn’t it. I saw it all, that’s not how it was.” Sunoo’s eyes brimmed with emotion, and Sunghoon ached. Ached for the little lost soul, ached for himself, ached for those eyes that had seen everything.

“Do you understand now,” he said quietly. "Do you understand why I didn’t want you to stay? Why I didn’t want you near me?" _Do you understand why I can’t keep you?_

“Why not?” Sunoo said, surprising him. The boy had a determined look in his face, his brows set in a frown. 

“Because I’m afraid you’ll run away,” he confessed in a small voice. He had already lay himself bare for this soul called Kim Sunoo. What shame was there in speaking this one small truth? 

“Then tame me,” the soul said. 

Sunghoon blinked in shock, but Sunoo just stared him down stubbornly.

The last of his defenses were crumbling, the walls he had built around himself in shambles. Sunghoon was suddenly entranced by a single piece of hair that had fallen across Sunoo’s eyes. His fingers twitched. Without thinking, he leaned forward, bringing his hand up--

Something slammed against the door. They both jumped apart in alarm. Sunghoon stood up and flung the door open just in time to see Jay staggering into his room.

"Sorry, sorry," the other grim reaper mumbled, apparently having fallen against Sunghoon's door due to whatever stupor he was in. 

Heeseung stood awkwardly in the hallway, looking deeply worried. Sunghoon sighed. 

Sunoo ducked under his arm, stepping out of the room and looking around. 

“What happened?” 

“It’s just Jay,” Sunghoon answered. “He gets… tired sometimes. After jobs. It’s best to just let him sleep it off. All of us could get some rest too.” He didn’t know how Sunoo felt, but after the whole memory viewing, he was utterly drained. 

“I think you should share a room with Jay,” Heeseung said out of nowhere. Sunghoon blinked. 

“Huh? Who me?” Sunoo asked. Heeseung shook his head and looked at Sunghoon. The grim reaper narrowed his eyes. 

“Why would I share a room with Jay? Maybe you haven’t gotten the tour yet, but we have separate rooms,” he explained. 

“And there’s four of us,” Heeseung said, gesturing between them. 

“I’ll share with Ddeonu.” Sunoo looked up in surprise. Heeseung smiled at him with twinkling eyes, his demeanor completely different from the confused and jittery soul who had entered the Ground just that morning. “If you have a nickname for me, it’s only fair if you get one too, right?” Sunoo straightened up, looking as though he’d just been bestowed the greatest gift in the world. 

Sunghoon felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He thought about how Sunoo had slept last night, huddled away from him on the hard floor. Would it be better for Sunoo to room with someone he was more comfortable with, who knew just what to say to put a smile on his face?

Jay interrupted the conversation unintentionally with a loud groan. Sunghoon sighed internally. He had lost possibly the nicest (and prettiest) roommate ever, and gained the noisiest sleeper in the world, all in one day. 

“Poor Jay,” Sunoo said sympathetically. “He seems exhausted.” His eyes lit up as a thought occurred to him. “Why don’t we go on a vacation! Is that possible?” 

“A vacation?” Sunghoon repeated incredulously. 

“Like a trip! Just the four of us.” Sunoo looked at him hopefully. Heeseung sent him a sideways glance, as if to say _don’t let him down._

It was certainly possible. Sunghoon knew that. He also thought of all the work that would pile up over the course of however long this hypothetical trip would be. He thought of being stuck in close proximity with a talkative Jay who would surely ramble nonsense the whole time and drive him up the wall. 

Plus this new special case, who was the exact opposite of Sunoo in the sense that Sunghoon wasn’t able to get a proper read on him. His face looked like he was always concealing something, and he was even less talkative than Sunghoon, as if he was unwilling to give away too much by even speaking. Sunghoon didn’t know what to make of Heeseung, and then there was the fact that he already seemed insistent on sticking to Sunoo like a magnet.

Then he thought of Sunoo. He saw the hope shining on his face. Sunghoon didn’t want to tie anyone to the Ground ever again. If Sunoo wanted to go somewhere, he would take him. If eventually Sunoo resolved his impediment, he would do his job and guide him to his next destination. But for now, he would merely do the next simplest thing.

“I know a place we can go.”

\---

**I-Land**

_There’s something waiting for you there._

These were the words that Heeseung had said to him that night after his impromptu visit to the hospital. He had been adamant about not stepping foot anywhere near the residence which Jay used to live and breathe in. But more than he was ashamed of facing his friends, he was ashamed of being afraid. He was ashamed that he had walked five miles in the rain to Sunoo’s hospital, and then was ultimately unable to take a step inside. 

He was ashamed that the people who had known Jay for not nearly as long as he had were able to visit him consistently, while he, who had loved Jay for almost a decade was afraid to even pay his respects. Would Jay think he had forgotten him? Did he wonder, among the bouquets he received monthly, where Jungwon’s were? 

It had always been Jay getting flowers for Jungwon. “For my garden,” he would joke, thinking the nameplay was oh so clever. It wouldn’t even be on special occasions either, just on random days when he knew they’d be meeting. Sometimes he would just drop by his dorm on an impromptu visit after passing by a flower shop. Some days it was roses, sometimes lilies. A frequent one was tulips. 

Jay would bang on the door of his room, announcing his presence at an insufferable volume, and shove the bouquet in his face as soon as Jungwon opened up. And Jungwon would accept them, albeit exasperatedly, full of affection and amusement for his strange, loud friend. 

Jay was just like that. He loved to give and give, never accepting anything for himself. He would always buy candies and pastries for Sunoo, “because isn’t he just so sweet?” For Niki, he would purchase sheet music for songs or movie scores and demand that Niki learn to play them for him. It would be the smallest things, but he brought delight and energy to everyone he cared for. 

Which was why Jungwon didn’t know if he could bear to be in a place that used to be filled with Jay’s energy, and now wasn’t. But he had already resolved to prove to Heeseung that he wasn’t going to abandon Jay. And so he went. 

He took his time mounting the steps that led up to the front door. He quickly pushed the doorbell before he could convince himself that running away was a better idea, and waited for the door to open. He felt a bit nauseous. 

The door swung open to reveal Jay’s mother blinking at him in surprise. The blatant display of emotion on her face told him that she had probably never expected him to come by at all. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Jungwonie,” she said, still in that tone of surprise. 

“I’m sorry,” he said suddenly. He bit his lip, already regretting opening his mouth, regretting coming here at all. But the woman’s face just softened in understanding. 

“It’s alright,” she said gently. “Better late than never, right?”

He cast his eyes down and nodded. She stepped aside to let him in. 

“I’m afraid I’m the only one who can greet you today. Jay’s father is-” she paused. “Away, at work. But I’m happy to chat with you.” At Jungwon’s questioning look, she added, “everyone deals with things differently. So you don’t have to feel guilty about going at your own pace,” she smiled comfortingly. 

Jungwon felt a lump in his throat. He hadn’t spoken to Jay’s mother since before he died, hadn’t even approached her at the funeral or offered his condolences. He didn’t deserve to be treated with such care. 

He made his way into the living room and sank into a leather armchair while Jay’s mother bustled around the kitchen, whipping up some snacks and drinks. She ignored his protests that water was just fine, insisting that a nice cup of tea had always calmed him down when he was upset.

She knew Jungwon so well, as though she was a second mother. Instead of him offering her words of comfort, here she was taking care of him, bursting with a familiar energy and warmth that couldn’t be dimmed down even by the lines of grief in her face. She was just like him- like Jay. Though he supposed it made sense that his friend got it from somewhere. 

“Oh,” she called from the kitchen. “I have something for you.” 

_There’s something waiting for you there._

Why did it feel like he had already been given so much? 

A plate of biscuits and cookies were set in front of him, along with a steaming mug of green tea. 

“Thank you, Mrs. Park,” he said quietly. 

She answered him a smile. She looked so much like her son when she smiled, Jungwon observed achingly. “One moment,” she swiftly ducked out of the room and Jungwon could hear the sound of scurrying footsteps up the stairs. When she came back, she was holding what looked to be a shoebox. She placed it down on the table next to the food. 

“Jay seems to have left these for you.” Jungwon looked at the label on the box to confirm that it was, indeed, a shoebox.

“Sneakers?” He asked quizzically. Jay had been an avid collector of high end and limited edition shoes, but it hadn’t exactly been a passion they had shared. 

“Look inside,” she urged. So Jungwon did.

It wasn’t sneakers. The box was crammed jam-packed with envelopes upon envelopes, all unsealed. He looked up at Mrs. Park. 

“They’re all addressed to you,” she said. “I don’t know if he ever meant to send them out, but I thought you should have them. I haven’t read anything, don’t worry.” 

Jungwon didn’t even know what he should be worried about. He was still struggling to comprehend what he was holding in his hands. For him? 

“Do you remember when he wrote all of you those letters?” She asked suddenly, her normally light voice weighed down with a memory. Jungwon closed his eyes. The letters.

Somehow, when it came to Jay, letters always preceded him leaving. 

⥇

_ **Two Years Ago** _

“I have to go.” 

The words came out of nowhere with no context whatsoever, but rang with a great deal of importance, as if aware of the bomb that was being dropped at the sound of them. 

Sunoo looked up from where he had been shoveling enthusiastically into the ramen Heeseung had bought for him. He pursed his lips in confusion. 

“Go where? You haven’t even finished eating yet.” 

They were on their lunch break, the seven of them packed together at a single table. They had been chattering easily amongst themselves, swapping stories about whatever amusing thing had happened during class, and comparing quiz scores. 

In the middle of their conversation, as suddenly and as offhandedly as someone remarking on the weather, Jay had announced that he needed to leave. While the rest waited patiently for elaboration, for Jay to get up and excuse himself for whatever task he had suddenly remembered to do, Jungwon stared down at his food. 

He already knew, of course. Jay always told him everything first, before anyone else. He had always thought of it as a privilege a condition of being his friend for so many years. Now it felt like a curse, leaving him wishing that he could have remained in blissful ignorance with the rest of his friends for just a few more days. 

“I have to leave the country,” Jay said bluntly. If it weren’t for the fact that Jungwon had had several days to come to terms with things after this same statement had been delivered to him, and that the reality of it had already sunken in, then the comical matching looks of shock on everyone’s faces would have been quite amusing to him. 

Heeseung broke into a laugh. “What crime did you commit? I’m not completely against fostering a fugitive in my home. I have room for one more person you know." And this was indeed true, since it was a known fact that Sunoo practically lived at Heeseung’s apartment these days. It really was only a matter of time before he moved in completely. “You don’t have to resort to fleeing the country just yet,” he joked. 

Of course it seemed like a joke to them. It had for him too, at first. It was impossible to even imagine Jay not being around. If Heeseung was their leader, the one they all looked up to and sought direction from, then Jay was their glue, and without the glue, even the strongest leader couldn’t keep a group together. 

Sunghoon, ever the practical one, immediately took him more seriously. 

“What do you mean?” He asked in a low voice. Heeseung was surprised at how solemn the other boy sounded, and some of the amusement tinting his features faded away. Jungwon looked at Jay, and he saw the moment everyone else really looked at him too. For once, the self proclaimed mood-maker was unsmiling, unwavering, unwilling to laugh it off. 

“My dad got a job abroad. London. We’ll probably have to move within the month.” 

Silence. Nobody knew what to say, as it became apparent that this was not a prank. While everyone's mouths dropped open and stayed frozen that way, a fragile voice spoke up. 

“Stay,” the voice said with a poorly concealed shake.

Jay’s face was finally overtaken with expression, twisted in pain as if he had been punched. 

“Niki-” 

“Stay,” Niki repeated, looking down. His voice splintered. His knuckles turned white where they were gripping the edge of the table. 

Jay didn’t say anything. Bending down, he reached into his bag, and pulled out— envelopes. He gave one to Niki first, before distributing an envelope each to the rest of them. 

“What’s this?” Jake asked, confusion and angst battling on his face. 

“Letters,” Jay said. He flushed. “Don’t open them until after I’m gone, okay? It’s too embarrassing, I don’t know if I’d be able to look any of you in the eye again.” He let out a wry chuckle. 

Niki’s fingers clenched around the envelope, crumpling the paper. Without a word, he stood up abruptly, tore the letter in half, and stormed off.

"Niki!" Sunoo called out, but the boy was already gone. 

Jay just smiled. 

“Ah, that’s ok. I wrote a back up, just in case.” He conjured another envelope from his bag, with Niki’s name clearly written on the front in Jay’s sloppy handwriting. “Don’t I know our maknae so well, Jungwon?” He said, glancing gleefully over at him. Jungwon looked away. 

“We’re graduating this year,” Sunghoon spoke up. “You’ve already applied for colleges here, what the hell are you going to do in London? What about your future? This makes no sense at all,” his usually controlled voice was tinged with exasperation. Jay looked at him in wonder. 

“Why, I didn’t know you cared so much, Hoonie!” Heeseung snorted at the use of the nickname. 

“Idiot,” Sunghoon scoffed. “And it’s Sunghoon to you, brat.” Jay’s grin widened even further. 

“What, so it’s only Hoonie to Sunoo?” 

“Sunoo does what he wants.” The tips of Sunghoon’s ears were red, matching the rosy flush on Sunoo’s cheeks. Jay gasped, pressing a hand to his heart as though he had been offended deeply. 

“And I can’t do what I want?” He asked indignantly. 

“You can’t leave,” Sunoo said with a sniffle. He turned away as he wiped at his nose, trying to hide the emotion threatening to bubble up. Jay's teasing smirk melted away as his face softened like it always did for Sunoo. He rubbed the younger boy's shoulder reassuringly.

"Are you going to miss me, or my gifts?" He teased, pinching Sunoo's cheek. The sniffling boy scoffed, pushing the arm off of his shoulder. 

"Jay hyung," he whined. 

"Don't worry, I'll still send you sweets from Europe, silly," Jay cooed. 

"Jay."

Everyone turned to look at Jungwon. “Jay,” he said, looking directly at the other boy, “Take me home with you today.” 

The words escaped him before he had a chance to reel them back in. He’d kept his feelings inside when Jay had first told him, locked the secret up for the last few days, but now. Now, seeing him act so casual and lighthearted as always, like it was no big deal, like Jungwon would just let him _go_ like that. It was ridiculous. For once, he empathized with Niki and his temperamental outburst. Jungwon wasn't going to sit still. 

“Okay,” Jay agreed easily. When classes got out, he and Jay walked to his house, which was just a few blocks away. As soon as they passed through the door, the smell of baking hit them, and a head popped out of the kitchen. 

“Back already?” 

“Same time everyday mom.” 

Jay’s mother brightened as she spotted Jungwon lingering. 

“Tea?” She chirped knowingly, and he nodded in thanks. Jungwon cast a glance around, but there was no other person within sight. He followed Jay up the stairs to his room and slung his backpack down with a sigh. Jay collapsed on the bed with a groan. 

“I’m just gonna nap for a minute, and then we can work on math,” he grunted. Jungwon snorted, knowing full well that ‘a minute’ meant ‘at least an hour.’ It was probably best for Jay to be out of the way though. Within minutes, the boy was snoring, his eyes deceptively cracked open just a centimeter. Jungwon waved a hand back and forth in front of his face. When he got no response, he gently closed Jay’s eyelids. 

“Freak,” he whispered fondly. “And you always wonder why your eyes are so dry in the morning.” Jay snuffled and rolled onto his back. Jungwon studied him, the way his long eyelashes fluttered as he settled into sleep, the way the sharp angles of his face softened as consciousness left him. He was always trying to act so strong for everybody, fueling them with humor and taking care of them with constant gestures that almost went unnoticed; but laying here, he was just a child. 

Jungwon rummaged around the inside pocket of his jacket, where he had stashed away Jay’s letter for him. He hadn’t opened it yet. Jay had made him promise to wait. But he would have to break his promise, because Jungwon did not intend for there to be anything for him to wait for. He opened the envelope, and slid out a single folded piece of paper. 

_My Garden,_ it started. 

His heart stuttered painfully. 

_If I know anything about you, you probably will have opened this not long after I’ve given it to you. Always so impatient. But I guess I’m the same._

_I’ve known you for what— seven years now? And yet you’re still a mystery to me. Not you yourself. I can read you like an open book._

_I guess you know I’ve always tried to take care of everyone. I don’t consider it any great burden; my way of thinking is that if I keep you all happy and healthy, you can stay by my side longer._

_But that’s the thing. Everyone else is easy to take care of. But you’re more of a challenge. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why. Of course, by cruel way of fate, it finally hits me just as this all comes to an end. Jungwonie, I hope after I’m gone, you’ll continue to take care of our friends in my place. There’s no one else I can trust more with this than you._

_I’m sorry that there was never much I could do for you. After thinking that I was looking after you all these years, I've realized that it's me who has been leaning on you. From now on, don’t let others weigh you down, and don’t depend on others to be your crutch either. Stand tall, just as you are, little sheep._

_Never forget how much you are adored by this mess of a human. I hope that someday, we will—_

Jungwon launched himself off the bed and stumbled his way out of the room. In one hand, he clutched the letter, while the other hand steadied himself against the wall as he staggered down the stairs. 

_Thump, thump, thump._

They heard him before they saw him, and when Jungwon entered the living room he was met with two pairs of intent eyes trained on him, one gaze piercing, and the other concerned. 

“Jungwon honey, what’s wrong?” Mrs. Park intoned gently, reading the urgency on his face. 

“Don’t take Jay away,” he blurted. Mr. Park raised his eyebrows at him. “I know you want him to move to London and I know he’ll have to take a gap year or whatever, but he’s already applied to so many schools here and I _know_ he’ll get in, maybe even with a scholarship.” 

Jay’s father raised his hand in front of him, as if to stay _stop, I’ve heard enough,_ but Jungwon was desperate enough to forego politeness and forged right on, because he hadn’t _said_ enough yet. 

“His number one school is one I’ve applied for too, and if we both get in,” Jungwon gulped, suddenly realizing he was making a promise based on pure chance, “if we both get in, I promise I’ll take care of him. You won’t have to worry! My parents are abroad for business too, and I’m managing just fine on my own..” He finally trailed off, having exhausted all his arguments as well as his breath. 

“Are you quite done, Mr. Yang?” The man fixed him with a steely gaze. Almost the complete opposite of his wife, he exhibited the intimidating aura of someone who was not to be trifled with. But Jungwon knew he cared deeply for Jay. He wouldn’t uproot his whole family when there was so much tying them down here, would he?

“I’ve already given this matter a great deal of thought, ever since I received the job offer. I am a man,” he said weightily, “whose main priority above all else is keeping my family together.” Jungwon’s heart plummeted.“I hope you know that nothing you have said to me would have played a hand in swaying my decision.” 

He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t lose. No. 

“That being said.” Mr. Park continued, “I knew almost from the very beginning that I would not force Jay anywhere he would not like to go.” Jungwon snapped his head up. 

“You- you mean—” 

“Jay and his mother will stay here,” he said firmly. “And Jay will continue his studies here, as he were. I see no reason to rob him of opportunities simply because one has been offered to me.”

Jungwon practically sagged in relief. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. Mrs. Park smiled at him warmly. 

“Jay is lucky to have someone who cares for him so much,” she said. Her husband nodded slowly. 

“Yes. Quite lucky.” And then he pulled his laptop back into his lap and settled into his chair in an obvious dismissal. Come to think of it, this was the most Jungwon had ever heard him speak in a single conversation. Jay’s mother stepped forward and ushered him into the kitchen to load him up with cookies to bring upstairs. 

Jungwon, in the midst of his relief and Mrs. Park’s coddling, failed to notice Jay standing half hidden by the entrance to the living room, with a hand clasped tightly over his mouth and his eyes shining with unshed tears. 

Someone else noticed. The rhythmic clacking of steady typing came to a halt. A pair of worn out, but affectionate eyes met the shocked, wet ones. Jay returned the curt nod and the shadow of a smile with a shaky nod of his own. He heard the warm voice of his mother’s mingling with Jungwon’s sweet timbre coming from the kitchen. Their footsteps approached. He fled to his room. 

⥇

“I broke my promise,” Jungwon whispered, staring down at the rows of envelopes lining the box in his lap. They stared back at him tauntingly. 

“What?” Mrs. Park said in confusion. 

“That day, I promised you I would take care of him. But I didn’t.” He trailed his fingers over the papers. What words did these letters hold? Jungwon wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. His heart had barely been able to handle one letter from Jay, and that was way back then. 

Now that he had a whole box of letters, how would he survive knowing that this time, there was no way of fighting for Jay to stay?

“You were never responsible for him,” Mrs. Park said gently. “He would hate for you to think that way. It was always you he felt responsible for, you know.” 

Jungwon laughed wetly. “That time, too. He gave me a letter. He told me to open it only after he left. Can you guess what I did?” Mrs. Park smiled at him hesitantly. “I read it and went straight to you to beg you to let him stay. And he did.” Jungwon dragged his sleeve over his face. “Now he’s given me all these letters, but he’s already left. Why me? Is this his way of punishing me for breaking my promise?” 

Mrs. Park let out a tired and affectionate sigh. “Jay heard you.”

Jungwon jolted. “Huh?”

“He heard you fighting for him. You didn’t see him, but his father did. He must have realized there was someone who would always fight for him, even when it seemed like things were set in stone. I’m sure that’s why it’s you he chose to write to.” Mrs. Park laid a hand on top of his where it rested on the box. “Take these, and read them. And then continue to fight for him,” she told him firmly. Jungwon swallowed the rising knot in his throat. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “I will.” 

Mrs. Park saw him off with several containers of baked goods, which Jungwon knew better than to try to decline. He loaded the food in the back of his car, and placed Jay’s box in the passenger seat next to him. He didn’t know if he’d be able to make it to his apartment without tearing open the letters, but he parked his car a block or so away so Mrs. Park wouldn’t see him lingering from the window. 

He didn’t know if there was an order he should read them in. He had absolutely no clue what could possibly be written in those letters. And despite what Jay’s mother had told him, he was completely lost as to why every single one of these were supposedly addressed to Jungwon. 

He grabbed one at random. Hands trembling, he shook out the folded paper. Steadying himself on the steering wheel, he began to read. 

_My Garden,_

Jungwon gasped against the dizzying pang in his heart. He steeled himself and continued. But as his eyes skimmed over the familiarly wobbly handwriting the pain quickly gave way to confusion. By the time he reached the end, his mouth was hanging open. 

What the hell was _this?_

He stuffed the letter back in its envelope and shoved it into the box. He hastily fumbled around in his pocket for his phone, and tapped around the settings until he found what he was looking for. His heart dropped. All logic left his mind. Everything his mind had just processed in the last few minutes was beyond illogical, after all. He scrolled frantically through his contacts, and pressed dial. It picked up on the first ring. 

"Hello?"

“Heeseung,” he said, his voice a quivering mess. “You have a lot of explaining to do.” 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you guys like these longer updates, or would you prefer shorter chapters? Lemme know!!


	5. The Things I Tell My Piano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact- the quote at the beginning is by Frederic Chopin, my favorite composer ever (I'm a pianist and I may have channeled a bit of my nerdiness into this chapter)

_“It is dreadful when something weighs on your mind, not to have a soul to unburden yourself to.  
You know what I mean. I tell my piano the things I used to tell you.”_

* * *

**The Ground**

“I can’t believe he agreed to that,” Sunoo breathed, plopping down onto the mattress. “I was half joking, you know! I didn’t think it was even possible.”

He laid down, stretching his arms and legs out in that familiar starfish pose that he always transitioned into while sleeping, taking up the entirety of any bed he occupied. Heeseung couldn’t help the fond smile that worked its way onto his face. He took a seat on the edge of the bed, shoving a leg out of the way. Sunoo giggled and rolled over onto his tummy.

“Anything is possible for you,” Heeseung said sincerely. Sunoo turned his head to look at him, one cheek smooshed against the pillow. His eyes were wide, taken aback by the genuine care in Heeseung’s voice. Heeseung met his stare unflinchingly and Sunoo scoffed lightly, rolling his eyes up to the ceiling.

To anyone else, it would’ve looked like sass. But Heeseung knew it for what it was, a telltale sign that he was flustered. Looking at him was like picking up a favorite book you hadn’t read for a long time, but still knew every line of. One of the things Sunoo loved most in the world was reading books. Heeseung loved reading Sunoo.

For months he had gazed upon a version of Sunoo that was smooth and blank like carved marble. The return of those familiar little microexpressions and nuances that he had missed so dearly made him want to cry.

He _had_ cried, actually. As soon as Sunoo had stepped out of that egg alongside Sunghoon, he had wept and wept like there was no tomorrow. The last time he had cried like that was when it had become clear that Sunoo was not going to wake up. But now, here he was, right in front of him, close enough to see and touch.

This was not where Heeseung had expected to end up. This was not in the plan. All this talk of impediments, and moving on, and the afterlife- he didn’t know what to make of it. All he could do was trust, and wait, and nothing else would matter as long as he had Sunoo by his side.

The door cracked open and Sunghoon popped his head in. He smiled awkwardly at Sunoo, but his mouth wilted when his eyes landed on Heeseung sitting right beside him on the bed. Heeseung fought the urge to roll his eyes at the misplaced jealousy and gave a little wave, which Sunghoon ignored.

“Did you need something, hyung?” Sunoo asked curiously, propping himself up on one elbow.

“Uh no, I just wanted… to say thank you. For earlier,” Sunghoon said.

“You shouldn’t thank me! I think I just made things worse,” Sunoo sighed. He tugged on his sleeves anxiously and looked up at Sunghoon from underneath his lashes. 

“I told you it wasn’t your fault. And it helped me get the closure I needed. So, thank you.” Sunghoon looked so awkward Heeseung almost felt sorry for him. The grim reaper scanned the room, though it wasn’t clear what he was looking for, since the only thing in there was the currently occupied bed. “Are you… going to sleep here?” Sunghoon mumbled.

Sunoo made a confused noise. “Where else would I sleep?” He looked down at himself and frowned. “Oh, I can take the floor so Heeseung hyung can have the bed to himself, of course—” Heeseung cut him off by gently wrapping his fingers around Sunoo’s ankle.

“Don’t be silly,” he smiled. “We’ll share.” He didn’t miss the way Sunghoon seethed as he zeroed in on the contact. Heeseung forced down a laugh and deliberately pulled Sunoo’s leg so that it rested on his lap. Sunghoon whirled around.

“Well I trust that you two can figure out your own arrangements,” he said stiffly.

“Good night!” Heeseung called out as the door closed slightly louder than necessary. Sunoo looked taken aback by the sudden exit so he patted the boy’s foot reassuringly. “He doesn’t like me,” Heeseung said in explanation, chuckling lightly.

“Don’t say that,” Sunoo pouted. “He’s probably just not used to you yet. He didn’t like me at first either,” he said, wiggling his toes.

“Somehow I highly doubt that,” Heeseung said with a mirthful twinkle in his eyes. “You’re right though. He’s suspicious of me. Both of them are.”

“Why would they be suspicious? You’re the nicest person ever!” Sunoo exclaimed innocently. This sobered Heeseung up instantly, and his voice dropped an octave.

“Sometimes it’s dangerous to see the best in everyone Sunoo. What if I was a criminal?” Heeseung leaned over Sunoo, his face deadly serious. Sunoo gulped visibly, shrinking away slightly and Heeseung broke out into laughter. “Oh my god, your face,” he spluttered.

Sunoo squawked indignantly, kicking his legs in Heeseung’s direction. “Don’t tease, it’s not nice,” he grumbled.

“How can I resist when you look this cute when you’re angry?”

Sunoo huffed again but looked secretly pleased.

Heeseung’s burst of amusement slowly died down. “I’m just saying,” he continued hesitantly. He paused, an uncomfortable feeling tightening in his chest. He suddenly felt sick to his stomach. He wanted to push Sunoo away and pull him closer at the same time, to comfort him but also to comfort himself. “Maybe you should be suspicious of me too. You don’t know what I’ve done.”

Sunoo snorted in amusement. “And you do?” He teased. Heeseung froze, then smiled thinly.

“Of course not,” he said, and reached out to ruffle Sunoo’s hair into a mess. Sunoo squealed, bringing his arms up over his head to fend off the attack. “Why would I be here otherwise?”

 _Because I know what I’ve done, but I don’t know what to do next,_ Heeseung thought.

Sunoo suddenly became very still, and Heeseung wondered if he had somehow read his thoughts. He was face down, and when he spoke his voice came out muffled into the pillow.

“What if I’m the one who did bad things… What if I was a bad person? Maybe that’s why I ended up the way I did,” Sunoo said in a small voice. Heeseung frowned.

“What do you mean?”

“I was killed, you know. It says on my name card that my cause of death was murder.” Heeseung’s heart gave another sickening lurch. Sunoo turned to Heeseung curiously. “What was yours? Your cause of death, I mean.”

“Ah,” Heeseung said. “It didn’t say.” Sunoo hummed thoughtfully.

“Jay said the same thing about his. Weird.” Heeseung grunted in agreement but his mind was still on a previous point in their conversation.

“You could never do anything bad, Sunoo. If someone… killed you, that could never be your fault.”

“Maybe I was just an innocent victim then. A poor damsel in distress,” Sunoo joked. Heeseung swallowed and looked away. Sunoo sighed. “Who knows if I was good, or evil, or did bad things. We’re all stuck here anyway.”

“There’s a difference between being evil and doing bad things,” Heeseung said quietly. He knew he was really saying the words for his own benefit. “People who are evil do bad things, because there is only hatred in their heart. And sometimes, people who are good do bad things too.”

Sunoo shuffled closer to him and Heeseung lay down gingerly, bringing their faces close. If he leaned in any closer, their noses would brush. From this distance, Heeseung could count Sunoo’s eyelashes, could connect the constellations in his eyes that glimmered at him in curiosity.

“Why?” Sunoo whispered. His breath ghosted over Heeseung’s face. “Why would a good person do a bad thing?”

Heeseung was heating up under Sunoo’s stare, but he didn’t want to look away from the boy, not even for a second. Instead he brought his hand up and brushed his fingers over Sunoo’s eyelids, sealing them closed. He leaned in close.

“Because they loved.”

\---

**I-Land: October 4th** ****

Sunoo had once asked Niki if he could have any superpower, what would it be. Sunoo’s own answer had obviously been creative in the typical Sunoo-fashion. He said he would want the ability to look into a person’s past, to see what kind of person they had been, what person they were now, and what kind of person they could possibly be in the future. He had said it would take all the guesswork out of figuring out what made a person tick, and it would make it easier for him to empathize with them and their experiences.

So when Sunoo waited expectantly for Niki’s answer, he had nothing to say. What could measure up to something like that? Anything that came out of his mouth would sound superficial and childish.

Today, Niki finally knew exactly what his answer would be. If given the opportunity to posess one power, over all other powers in the world, he would want the ability to turn back time.

As soon as Heeseung and Sunoo walked out the door, he wanted desperately to rewind the clock just twenty minutes and take everything back. He would sit there quietly, and he would hear out Sunoo’s explanation with an understanding ear, and then he would let him leave without complaint. As a friend should. Instead, he had lost a friend. Probably several.

Looking around the room, where the rest of the boys still sat in stunned silence, Niki felt inexplicably frustrated. He wished he could take his words back, but almost as much as that, the thing he wanted the most was for his friends not to believe a single thing he had just said. All that nonsense he had spat about Sunoo- it was just that, nonsense.

Selfish? Please. Sunoo was the most selfless person in the world. He waited for someone to speak up and call him a liar. But no one said a thing. ****

Sunghoon was the one who got up first. Niki opened his mouth, ready to say something, but Sunghoon merely cast him a cursory glance and left without a word. Jake looked unsure, but was quick on his heels. Only Jay and Jungwon were left.

He expected them to leave as well, but they didn’t. They looked far from happy with him, however. Jay groaned, dragging a hand heavily over his face. Jungwon just looked perplexed.

“Niki. Why did you do that?”

Maybe one of these days he would have answers for the questions that were launched his way. _What superpower would you want to have?_ I don’t know. _Niki, why did you do that?_ I don’t know.

The only explanation he could possibly come up with was bound to be unsatisfactory for anyone, since it didn’t even satisfy himself. How could he explain that he lashed out because he cared too much, that when there was the threat of someone leaving, he tried desperately to keep them by his side?

He had been used to being alone, he really had. He had been perfectly content, but then Jungwon had found him and welcomed him into this close knit little group of theirs, and suddenly he wasn’t alone anymore. But maybe it’s better to stay with nothing, than to gain something and live in constant fear of losing it.

_Niki, why?_

_Because I loved._

\---

**_Three Hours Earlier_ ** ****

Niki was not one who liked to indulge in self pity, however, it must be said that he was too often woefully misunderstood. The reason he didn’t pity himself over this fact was that it was largely due to his own perpetuation of lies.

Even as he sat, hunched over on the grimy floor of his school’s bathroom stall, he was already planning on how he was going to explain away his limp. He unzipped his backpack and pulled out the little bag of cotton balls he had stashed there.

He kneaded and pulled them apart a little bit to flatten them, and pressed them to the open gash in his leg. He had already staunched the bleeding last night, but the wound had opened up again while he was walking from class to class. It was probably a sign that he needed stitches, but that wasn’t an option, so he had to make do with his flimsy first aid skills.

After he had layered enough cotton on his leg, he pulled out strips of fabric that he had acquired by ripping up one of his old shirts. With these, he wrapped his leg tightly, and sealed it with several knots. Stowing everything away once more, he rolled his pant leg back down, wincing at how bulky it looked. Hopefully no one would notice.

Luckily, no one at school paid much attention to him. It was his friends however, that he was worried about attracting the unwanted attention of. So far only Jungwon and Jay had noticed his various injuries here and there. He had explained them away as the result of school brawls, and that left his friends concerned and disapproving, but had stopped the flow of questions.

He didn’t want to earn the reputation of being a delinquent among what little friends he had, but he had no choice. Although Jungwon and Jay had exchanged stern words with him about fighting with others, they had promised not to disclose anything to the rest of the group. Niki appreciated their discretion, but he knew it was only a matter of time before he was found out.

He wasn’t sure what was worse; the lies, or the truth.

The truth was that he had never gotten into a fight in his life. Not willingly, anyway. There were times where the students who liked to pick on him would start to get physical, shoving him around, trying to get a reaction. But he always left before things could escalate. He hated confrontation.

No, he rarely got seriously hurt at school. But he would rather tarnish his reputation slightly than tell anyone the truth. Especially not the only six people who didn’t look at him like he was something dirty and to be avoided. He didn’t want to change that.

And besides, how would he even approach the subject? How would he lightheartedly mention that he had tripped and cut his leg open on a shard of a broken beer bottle? Then he would have to explain that having broken glass strewn across the floor of his home was not an uncommon occurrence. That he couldn’t walk around the house without shoes on. That the stench of alcohol constantly hung in the air like a toxic blanket, and that it was so unbearable that he had dragged the mattress off of his bed to the backyard and slept in the grass.

He couldn’t bring himself to say any of that. So he bottled it all in, and just waited for the moments where he could spend time with his friends and escape from his little world. That was how he lived day by day. Waiting. Anticipating.

Today the anticipation within him was even more heightened than usual. Jungwon was going to pick him up after school. He would head over to his dorm to help him pack, his own bag already having been dropped off yesterday. Niki had packed a week in advance. Then, all seven of them would meet up at Heeseung’s apartment, where they would spend one night before departing for the weekend.

They had been planning this trip for months, and it had been all Niki could think about as of late. He would get to spend two days and three nights camping with the people he cared about most in the world. He could already picture it; Jake would drive, probably with Heeseung next to him in the front. Heeseung would be in charge of the music, but would put on Sunoo’s playlist after some wheedling from the younger boy, because he was soft for him like that. They all were.

Niki’s thoughts turned to Sunoo, who he hadn’t seen in weeks. The boy still texted in their group chat, but the responses were short, and seemed to lack his usual energy even though he continued to be consistent with his over-use of emoticons.

Lately when the group would meet up, Sunoo would be notably absent. Of course, due to their varying schedules sometimes it would be hard to gather everyone at once and they’d have to make do without one or two people. But in the last few weeks, Sunoo had been missing every single time.

When Niki questioned this, none of the others claimed to know the reason why either, except Heeseung who avoided everyone’s eyes and said something along the lines of “he’s been busy with some stuff,” evasively. Niki couldn’t help but feel frustrated at the lack of Sunoo’s presence. He understood everyone was busy with their own lives but to him it just felt like Sunoo was actively going into hiding.

Niki never asked for anything more than what he deserved, but if there was one thing he allowed himself to get greedy over, it was spending time with the other boy. Sunoo’s very aura and bright smile never failed to calm him, and soothe any aches and pains he had. Finally, after going through withdrawal from not being in that cheerful presence, he would have a whole weekend to bask in it.

The bell rang, a harsh piercing note that ripped Niki from his musings. After a few moments, the floor shook with the stampede of students pushing through the halls and rushing down the stairs. The bell signaled that it was lunch break. Niki had missed his entire last class while tending to his leg. Sighing, he stood up and pushed his way out of the stall.

Heading to the cafeteria was out of the question, and he didn’t have lunch with him anyways. As usual, he opted for the one place he knew no one would disturb him, where he’d be safe from the weight of glaring eyes and unwanted encounters. He washed his hands and waited until the sounds of students roaming about died down.

Peeking his head outside the bathroom, he made sure the coast was clear before quietly slipping down the hall and climbing the steps to the second floor, where the music room was located. He grasped the railing to steady himself as he awkwardly hopped his way up, trying to avoid putting pressure on his injured leg and wincing at the flash of pain when he failed.

Just as he finally pulled himself up to the top step, he froze at the sound of heels echoing on the tile floor. He glanced furtively around but there was no place to escape. The footsteps grew closer and closer until they stopped right in front of him.

“Riki. I didn’t see you in class earlier.” He cursed in his head. Of all the teachers to stumble upon, it had to be the one whose class he’d missed.

He winced and offered up a regretful smile. “Sorry, my leg started bleeding,” he gestured to the bulk around his calf, “and I went to the bathroom to bandage it up. I lost track of time.” He bowed his head in apology.

The woman’s furrowed brow changed from one of sterness to one of concern. “Why didn’t you tell anyone? I can escort you to the nurse’s office and we can call to have a parent pick you up.”

Niki’s eyes widened. “No! That won’t be necessary,” he said hastily. “I have it under control now and I promise I won’t miss any more of my classes.” The last thing he needed was for the office to make a call. He had already filled out a form to change his emergency contact, but he didn’t know if it had been processed yet and he didn’t want to bet on it. The last thing he needed now, right before his trip was to rile up his father with a phone call from the school.

He had already asked Jungwon about it, who easily consented to having his phone number provided to the school, albeit confusedly. Regretful that he couldn’t explain anything to his friend, he had quickly filled out a new emergency contact form, and after some thought, listed Jungwon’s relation to him as “family friend.”

His teacher did not look convinced, but let him go without any further arguments. He breathed a sigh of relief and rushed on hurriedly to his destination.

Niki peeked through the window on the door to the classroom, making sure no one was inside. As usual, it was dark and empty. He opened the door, which was unlocked as always, and stepped inside. The room had once served as a music classroom, but after budget cuts and lack of student interest, the music program was canceled.

Although no classes were in session, there remained an upright piano propped up against the far wall, and a notice on the door that informed students that the room was open for recreational use. Of course, no one other than Niki came here. It was tucked away at the very end of the hall, set apart from the rest of the classrooms. The space was tiny and cramped, and the air always seemed colder and staler than anywhere else in the building. It was perfect.

He dropped his backpack onto the ground somewhere near the door and settled himself onto the hard wooden bench. His fingers drifted to the keys. The piano was old, faded and chipped in more places than he could count, not to mention horribly out of tune. But it didn’t matter.

He closed his eyes and played, his mind drifting to all the things he wanted to say, but couldn’t. Muscle memory took over, his fingers moving without him having to think about it, and a slow, bittersweet melody filled the room. The pitch of the notes were distorted into a hauntingly beautiful sort of dissonance, and the instrument let out a wheezing sigh every time he pressed down on the pedal, as if it were heaving its last breath.

He felt at peace.

The sound of music brought back memories of days that were simpler, happier. Days where music and laughter would fill his house, and Niki didn’t have to hold his breath every time he walked through the door. He and his sister would sit side by side on a piano much like this one, their fingers dancing over the keys and leaping together and apart in a vibrant waltz.

These days, neither of them played the abandoned piano that sat collecting dust in the corner of their living room. Nobody was listening.

The rest of the school day passed by in a blur; Niki dragged himself to the rest of his classes dutifully and pointedly ignored the stares and whispers that followed him wherever he limped. Before he knew it, he was awkwardly limp-hopping down the front steps of his school, and heading towards where Jungwon’s car was idling in the front, waiting to pick him up.

Peering through the window, Niki saw Jungwon frowning at something on his phone. He hadn’t noticed him yet. Grinning from ear to ear, Niki flung open the door and slid in wordlessly.

“Oh! What the-” Jungwon jumped in his seat. He brightened when he saw it was Niki, who cackled at his reaction.

“Don’t scare me like that!” Jungwon exclaimed, but laughed along with him. He quickly turned back to his phone, tapping on the screen rapidly.

“You’re not allowed to be on your phone when you’re behind the wheel,” Niki said impishly.

“Hmm?” Jungwon answered, distracted. “Oh, I was just texting Heeseung to confirm he’s coming.” He slid his phone back into his pocket. “Are you hungry?” Jungwon twisted in his seat to rummage around the back and retrieved a large pork bun from a shopping bag. He offered it to Niki.

Niki grabbed it from him and hastily unwrapped it, immediately gobbling it down in big bites. Jungwon watched him carefully, the corner of his mouth twitching.

“I swear everytime I see you it’s like you haven’t eaten in a week,” he commented with some amusement. Niki felt his face heart up, ashamed of how close to the truth that was. He forced himself to slow his chewing, but Jungwon only smiled at him. He turned the engine on, and pulled out of the pick-up lane. “Let’s get out of here, you still have to help me pack, remember?”

“Are you bringing your camera?” Niki said around a mouthful of food. Jungwon snorted and swatted him playfully.

“Have I been known to go anywhere without it, kid?”

Niki was happier than he had been in months.

Later that day, he lost four friends.

Six months later, a blue jay fell from the sky.

\---

**The Ground**

“Why couldn’t you have just transported us to the top?” Sunoo whined as he picked his way among fallen branches on the steeply inclined slope.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Jay teased. Despite his carefree attitude however, he too, seemed out of breath.

“This is so weird,” Sunoo mumbled. What was weird was how the twigs snapped and the dried leaves crackled beneath his feet, how the wet soil beneath him gave way wherever he stepped. His breath came in short gasps, and for the first time in what seemed like forever, he actually felt fatigue. He felt human.

He had been a living, breathing human all his life, and yet after just a short while being dead it felt strange and foreign to actually interact with the world again, and for the world to acknowledge him back. Sunghoon had explained to him that in their early days in the ground, he and Jay had tried entering the Egg with no destination in mind, and had wound up here.

It hadn’t taken too long to discover that unlike anywhere else, in this place they could feel and touch everything, and breathe the mountain air in. They didn’t know if this was a place that humans could access, or if it was created specially for them, but whatever it was, they were as good as alive here.

And so, when Sunoo had suggested they all take a trip, Sunghoon and Jay had brought them here. Here being the very bottom of the mountain, and the problem with that being that Jay insisted they hike up to the summit. Which left Sunoo gasping and heaving like a fish out of water. He didn’t know if being dead had rendered him horribly out of shape, or if he had never been particularly in shape to begin with.

An arm suddenly obstructed his view of the path ahead. He looked up to see Heeseung smiling at him with his elbow outstretched. Sunoo beamed and linked their arms together, allowing the older boy to help pull him along the trail and support his weight. He felt the prickling sensation that someone had their eyes on him, and when he turned he saw Sunghoon quickly looking away.

“You can’t possibly be enjoying this, hyung,” Sunoo whined at Jay. The grim reaper let out a breathless laugh. A faint sheen of sweat glazed his skin, another thing Sunoo wasn’t used to seeing.

“On the contrary,” Jay said with a glance behind him— as a matter of fact, he did seem the least affected out of all of them and was quite far ahead— “Sunghoon seems to be struggling, and so I can’t imagine there’s anything I could be enjoying more.”

Much to the rest of the company’s dismay, this comment triggered a full on pebble-flinging war between the two grim reapers, the duration of which was forunately brief, as they realized they could actually do damage to each other here.

After what seemed like a whole day of trekking through the wood dense area, Jay finally announced that they had arrived. They had come upon a small clearing where the trees were not so jam packed and there was a big enough space that they could settle down and set up a makeshift camp.

Jay immediately started bustling around, trying to make the space accommodating, dragging over large fallen logs to use as seats. Sunoo sighed with relief. “I thought we’d never make it,” he said dramatically, pressing his free hand to his chest. Beside him, someone cleared their throat loudly.

Sunoo looked over to see Sunghoon staring pointedly at where his other arm was still looped around Heeseung’s. He hastily dropped his arm with an awkward giggle. Heeseung’s face contorted into something between a grin and a scowl, and he looked like he was trying to decide whether to be offended or amused.

“I’m going to go collect some firewood,” Jay announced, his loud voice cutting through the awkward silence that had suddenly settled over the trio. He brushed his hands off, surveying his work proudly. Four large logs were arranged in a square with a large patch of dry soil in the middle, where Jay presumably was planning to build a fire.

Sunoo excitedly leaped over to plop himself down on one of the logs, groaning with pleasure as he gave his legs a much needed rest. Sunghoon and Heeseung silently followed, sitting on the two logs on either side of Sunoo, opposite from each other. They stared at one another without speaking, and Sunoo suddenly felt quite awkward.

Sunoo turned to Jay to ask if he needed any help, thinking that he would leave the two alone to resolve whatever issue had them glaring daggers, but the boy had already disappeared.

⥇

“Jay’s been gone for awhile. I’m going to go see if I can find him,” Heeseung finally spoke up after a long period of silence. He got to his feet and started off in the direction that Jay had gone.

“Heeseungie hyung!” Sunoo shot up off his log. “Do you need help? I can come with you.” Heeseung smiled at him gently.

“No need,” he said. “If I get lost too, then I still need someone to come rescue me,” he joked, throwing a wink at Sunoo.

“I’ll definitely rescue you,” Sunoo stated solemnly, but his serious tone was counteracted by him sticking his pinky in the air. Heeseung laughed fondly and entwined his own pinky with Sunoo’s. With a last ruffle to Sunoo’s hair, he left.

Sunoo stared after him. He felt a sense of loss as he watched the other boy walk away, like losing the comfort of a security blanket. He felt safe when Heeseung was around, like he’d always be protected and everything would be all right. He didn’t know what exactly he’d need protecting from in the Ground, but he still had an instinctual inclination to trust himself with Heeseung.

Sunoo felt a tug on the hem of his shirt and realized he’d been staring at the spot where Heeseung had disappeared into the woods, long after the soul had faded out of sight.

He looked down to meet Sunghoon’s earnest gaze, then glanced over to where his fist was tangled in Sunoo’s shirt. Sunghoon quickly let go but didn’t look away quickly like he usually did. Sunoo’s cheeks warmed at the sustained eye contact.

“Can I sit next to you?” He asked, not sure what else to say. Sunghoon nodded minutely, and slid over to make room for Sunoo on the makeshift bench. They sat in silence for a while, side by side, and Sunoo found that he didn’t mind at all.

As someone who was quite fond of useless chatter, he found that Sunghoon expressed things a bit differently. Or he didn’t know how to express himself. Either way, silence with Sunghoon wasn’t stiff or cold at all; Sunoo couldn’t help but think that it was such a waste that Jay and Heeseung were out there somewhere getting lost in the wilderness for some firewood.

Because right here on this damp log, at the top of a mountain in the middle of nowhere, next to the grim reaper he had made an unlikely friend out of, Sunoo didn’t think he could feel any warmer or more comfortable than he was now. Despite their rocky start, he felt a strange connection to Sunghoon that he wasn’t able to explain with words.

Being around him felt like coming home to something familiar, but at the same time, the tingles that shot up Sunoo’s spine everytime they brushed spoke of something new and exciting.

“You’re warm.” Sunoo surprised himself by speaking out loud, and his eyes widened at his slip up. Sunghoon looked at him quizzically, and then down at the gap between where they were sitting, probably wondering what point of contact between them had caused Sunoo to arrive at such a conclusion. 

Having found none, he looked back up at Sunoo with an eyebrow raised. Sunoo flushed as he rushed to explain.

“I just mean, sitting here with you… next to you. It’s warm being by your side.”

Sunghoon inhaled sharply. Sunoo squeezed his eyes shut, willing for the egg to appear so he could flee the scene and transport himself back to the Ground. Or possibly to some remote island where he’d never have to encounter anyone he’d made a fool of himself in front of again.

Realizing that wasn’t a viable option, he opted instead to change the subject quickly, before the other boy had a chance to respond. Although given how taken aback he was by Sunoo’s blurted confession, it didn’t seem like he had been planning to any time soon.

“Ah, forget I said anything,” Sunoo tried to laugh it off but his face twisted into a grimace. “When do you think Heeseung and Jay will be back? It’ll be fun building a camp fire don’t you think?” He tried.

“I don’t want to,” Sunghoon said, looking at him strangely. Great, Sunoo really had weirded him out completely. Though something about the look in his eyes seemed more like he was staring at something that he couldn’t quite believe was real, a strange mix of awe, and hope.

“What? You don’t like camp fires?” Sunoo asked, confused. Of all the responses he’d imagined he would receive, this wasn’t one of them. But Sunghoon shook his head and his gaze impossibly deepened further.

“I don’t want to forget.”

Sunoo blinked. Once. Twice. When it finally got through to him what Sunghoon was referring to he flushed. He wasn’t weirded out then. That was… good.

“You- you don’t…” Sunoo floundered for words. “Just do that then,” he settled on. “Don’t forget anything.” He swallowed painfully.

If he blushed any harder he was probably going to faint from all the blood rushing to his head so he once again tried to shift the conversation, now that that matter had been resolved.

“Hoonie,” he began. Sunoo might've imagined it, but at the sound of the nickname, Sunghoon's mouth twitched in what looked like an attempt to repress a smile. “I have a question.” The grim reaper nodded at him attentively with a hum.

Sunoo averted his gaze away from the boy and towards the center of their seating area, the empty patch of land where they were supposed to be building a fire.

He wondered if Heeseung and Jay would ever be back with the firewood, if they would ever be able to pile it all up in the middle and watch the flames erupt between them. He wondered if Sunghoon would feel the warmth of the fire and feel the same way Sunoo was feeling by being next to him.

If he would gaze at him with the same intensity, with the reflection of the light dancing in his eyes. He could picture it, he could imagine it, but with every passing minute his worry for their two missing friends grew and his hope diminished.

He avoided Sunghoon’s eyes now because of the light he didn’t know if he would get to see.

“Do you know what heaven looks like?”

Sunoo felt, rather than saw Sunghoon flinch. The flimsy log they were sitting on wasn’t stable, and rocked slightly as he jerked. Sunghoon quickly steadied them and struggled to compose himself.

“I’m only a helping hand, a stepping stone for people on the way to their destination. But I’ll never be able to step foot there myself. I know as much as you do.” Sunghoon looked so forlorn that Sunoo immediately kicked himself for asking the question.

He knew it was a sensitive topic, that Sunghoon didn’t have the opportunity that Sunoo and everything other soul he helped did. Unlike them, he would be locked between worlds forever.

Then again, if Sunoo failed to find out how he died or what his biggest regret had been, he may very well be stuck here too. But when he looked at Sunghoon he couldn’t help but think that he wouldn’t mind such a fate too much.

“It’s okay though,” Sunghoon continued. “I didn’t feel anything for a while, but I think…” He paused to glance at Sunoo. “I think I’m happy.”

Sunoo kicked absentmindedly at the dirt. “Do you ever think about it? What it would be like?”

“I’ve started to,” Sunghoon answered. He tilted his chin down, and his bangs hung low on his forehead, covering his eyes. Sunoo didn’t know if he was peeking sideways at him or if he was looking at the ground.

“And what is it like?” Sunoo pressed, curious of what the grim reaper’s vision of paradise entailed. Knowing him, he’d want to be somewhere he could finally be alone, a place of peace and quiet. But Sunghoon only replied with a single word.

“Warm,” he said quietly.

It was Sunoo’s turn to startle. The log shook like a boat being rocked by waves. Sunghoon steadied him again with a hand on his shoulder. Sunoo felt heat explode from where he was touched, and he wondered faintly, that if this wasn’t paradise, what more could there be?

“It’s warm.”

⥇

Jay was in a haste to gather the wood he needed before night fell, and it got too dark to safely navigate the woods. The other reason he had rushed away so quickly was because he couldn’t help but notice the awkward tension that had been building between Sunghoon and Heeseung since their little outing had begun.

He sensed that there was a mounting rivalry between the two, but for what he had no clue. He just felt sorry for Sunoo who was caught in the middle of it and was too sweet to say anything. Feeling guilty for leaving him behind to mediate, he quickly gathered up all the wood he needed. However, when he turned around to make his way back, he realized that while lost in thought, he had ventured much further from their little campsite than he had intended.

He roamed around cluelessly for about an hour or so until it got very dark, and Jay finally admitted to himself that he was very lost. The sun had set so much that he couldn’t see anything, and the shadows of the trees closed in around him like a vise.

Starting to panic he spun about in a circle, picked a direction, and just ran. Branches scratched at his arms and the foliage caught in his clothes. He ran until the trees surrounding him gradually thinned out and he stumbled upon a cliffside. He stopped himself just in time, the momentum making him skid dangerously towards the edge.

The unpolluted sky shimmered with stars and the only sound to be heard was the chirping of crickets. There was nothing but open air above him and a vast drop below him. Something compelled him ahead, and Jay walked forward step by step, until his toes kissed the edge of the cliff.

Gone was the claustrophobia and rising panic he had felt while being encaged on all sides by the trees. In this openness he could finally breathe again, and as he stared down at the great chasm below him, he was struck with a strange sense of deja vu. His breath quickened as he took gasping gulps of air and he felt the phantom fluttering of his heart dancing in his chest. There was a ringing in his ears that was steadily building and he vaguely realized what was happening to him. Memory trigger.

His vision swam as he was bombarded with a sensory overload, flashes of images and intrusive thoughts all clamoring for dominance inside his head.

_Standing on the edge._

_Looking down._

_The crushing weight of responsibility on his shoulders. The feat he was attempting was too much; he wanted to touch the sky, but the way to the ground was shorter._

_How many times would he live through this nightmare as the only fixed variable, while everyone else were pawns to be moved around by him? And how many times would he fail, the illusion of control clouding the fact that he was fated to be doomed time and time again?_

_He just wanted someone else to make the next move for him. Maybe someone else would be able to win the game. To solve the puzzle. He lifted his face to the sun. Leaned into it. His arms outstretched. Maybe, just maybe, he would fly. His body tipped forward._

_Falling,_

__ _falling,_

Jay stumbled backwards, sweating profusely, half in and half out of the waking dream. He thought he heard someone shouting his name, but he didn’t know if it was coming from behind him or from inside his head.

An arm grabbed him from behind and he spun around to see who it was. He felt himself fading out of consciousness, the last tendrils of the strange vision dissipating like smoke. He still wasn’t sure what was real and what wasn’t, and in the worried eyes of Heeseung he saw the reflection of two different pairs of eyes looking up at him in horror, as the ground beneath him vanished. 

\---

**I-Land**

“What’s wrong Jungwon? Why’d you call me here?” Heeseung approached him with a worried look on his face, his steps brisk. After reading Jay’s letter, Jungwon had immediately called Heeseung and told him to meet him at the library on campus.

“My location is off.” Jungwon said bluntly. He wanted to get straight to the point, too shell-shocked to bother with greetings and niceties. His mind was a whirlwind right now, and he didn’t know whether he wanted to laugh, scream, or cry. It felt like he’d been swept into an alternate dimension, where everything that had transpired in the last few months was just some big practical joke that everyone was in on except him.

“What?” Heeseung asked with an awkward chuckle.

“That day you picked me up from the hospital. You said you tracked my location on your phone.” Jungwon held up his cellphone. “It’s off.”

This observation alone wouldn’t have been incriminating evidence, of course. But in combination with what had been written in that letter, and the fact that it had been Heeseung who had sent him to Jay’s house to retrieve those letters, Jungwon was pretty damn sure the boy knew more than he was letting on.

Heeseung’s smile dropped. “Ah.”When Jungwon didn’t say anything else, he continued, “Is there a question in there somewhere?”

“How did you know where I was?”

“Would you believe me if I said it was a gut feeling?” Heeseung tried.

Jungwon laughed humorlessly. “Somehow hyung, that’s a lot more believable than the truth.” Heeseung looked at him with a straight face. Jungwon hated how unreadable he was at times.

“And what’s the truth Jungwonie?”

Jungwon reached inside his pocket where he had stashed the envelope. His fingers closed around it and the paper crumpled under his grip. “That Jay told you.” Jungwon’s voice shook on his friend’s name.

“Jay is dead,” Heeseung said slowly.

“Yes, he is,” he agreed, struggling to keep himself composed. Jungwon withdrew the envelope and brandished it in Heeseung’s face. “And apparently, so was I.”

Heeseung looked at Jay’s letter, but made no effort to take it from him. Because he had already read it, Jungwon knew.

He had read it, and he had showed up to the hospital that day to rescue Jungwon from a fate that had supposedly befallen him in some alternate timeline. It sounded crazy, and Jungwon liked to think logically. But he had never doubted Jay once in his life, and what he had read left no other explanation.

“Should I jog your memory?” Jungwon asked sardonically. Without waiting for an answer, he unfolded the paper and began to read.

_My Garden,_

_I was informed of your untimely death today. Would that make it the twelfth time? It’s hard to keep track of how many rounds of hell you’ve been through._

_You’d think I’d be desensitized to it by now, but it doesn’t get any easier. Every day that you’re not by my side makes me fear that this time around, it might just be permanent. Who knows when this charade will end._

_I’m starting to think it’s impossible. For me to be happy. For us all to be happy, together. I keep failing all of you. I don’t know why fate has chosen me to be in control of life and death and second chances, but I’m not cut out for it. I’m not cut out for losing you._

_You visited Sunoo in the hospital again. I couldn’t save him this time either. Sunghoon made it, but what use is it if we’re not seven?_

_I told you to take the bus today, so you wouldn’t have to drive. It turns out buses are capable of crashing just as well as cars. How many variables do I have to change before I finally get a different result?_

_You must be wondering why I’m writing to you. Or, you would be, if you were to ever actually read these. The truth is, I’m lonely. Even while you’re all still here, the knowledge of what will ultimately happen makes me feel like I’m the only person on this earth._

_You’ve always been my trusted confidante. Therefore, I will write to you, to remind myself that I am not alone in this world. And to document what went wrong, and what to do better next time._

_Once again, I will have to greet a slab of stone instead of my cute little friend. I anxiously look forward to the next time we meet, my garden, so that I can give you these flowers in person._

_Love,_

_Jay_

Jungwon’s throat clenched painfully around those last two words. He was met with a long silence from Heeseung.

“The bus accident,” Jungwon said. “I was supposed to die that day. And you knew.” It wasn’t a question.

“Yes.”

“What else do you know?”

“Only what’s in that one letter. I didn’t read the rest. Jay wanted you to be the one to read them,” Heeseung said, looking at the ground. Jungwon felt faint.

“It doesn’t make sense,” he whispered.

“It does and doesn’t, don’t you think?” Heeseung remarked. “This whole time, Jay has been trying to protect us. Like he always has. Back then, no matter how many times he failed, he would always try again. But everyone has their limit.”

Jungwon’s mind buzzed with an influx of information and he struggled to put everything together, to connect the dots. The deaths he had mourned- Jay had had to experience that pain tenfold. Somehow, he had been able to rewind, reset, and attempt, although futilely, to prevent it. Over, and over, and over again. There was still one thing he couldn’t understand.

“But what does it mean? Why are these for me?”

Heeseung looked at him with a mix of fear and hope. The corners of his mouth twitched up in a crooked smile, one that usually made Jungwon feel endeared. Now he just felt uneasy.

“Isn’t it obvious, Wonie? You’re going to save us all.”

⥇

Jungwon felt numb. He sat on the floor of his dorm with the letters scattered all around him. One by one, he started tearing open the envelopes, reading account after account of him dying, or Sunoo, or Sunghoon, or Jake. And then, it would all restart. The same dates written at the top of each page would repeat, with different variations of the same event occurring, or the same thing happening at different points in time.

Jungwon had been desperate to remain firmly in denial, to come up with an alternate explanation for what he was reading; but the truth was apparent: Jay had been stuck reliving the same months over and over again, and watching his friends die over and over again.

Though from time to time he seemed to have succeeded in prolonging the inevitable, or varying their fates slightly, it was clear from Jay’s tone that became increasingly desperate the further Jungwon read, that there had not been a single happy ending.

He came upon the last two letters in the box. These appeared to be the most recent chronologically, and written in this current timeline as Jungwon knew it. He picked up the first with trembling hands.

_April 14_ _ th _

_Jungwon,_

_A week ago, we met again. It was just another day for you, and you probably thought nothing extraordinary about it. But for me, it was a new beginning, a new chance. You probably had only just seen me the day before, but for me it had been months._

_In a week it will be my birthday. I haven’t had a happy birthday in so long. We usually don’t make it this far wtihout something happening. I think that I will finally succeed. Something feels different this time. The only thing left is to bring the group back together. Healing the emotional damage is just as important as healing the physical._

_Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing. After all, all the bad things started happening after we became divided. No matter the hard feelings on both sides, it’s truly necessary to mend those bridges for this to work. We are stronger as seven._

_I also must say, watching Heeseung get all butthurt about my invitation to our little reunion has been quite amusing. Sunghoon is protective too, but he gives in to whatever Sunoo wants eventually. Funny to think, they didn’t get along at first. They’ve come such a long way, I swear that boy is whipped now. Would that make two of us?_

_I’m excited to see everyone sitting around the same table again, sharing a cake together. Me and my blue-jays. Don’t tell Sunghoon I called you guys that, he’s always hated it._

_I hope you don’t feel the need to get me anything either. There’s truly no greater gift you could give me to celebrate my life than for you to simply live._

_Cheers to many more birthdays of being alive together._

_See you then._

_Love,_

_Jay_

_P.s. It’s still a wonder to me that these letters remain here even after everyting resets. Maybe it’s because I’m writing to you. In this reality I now live in— days flipped like a carnival, where up is down and down is up— you, Jungwon, are my constant._

Jungwon let out a gasping sob. What had happened? Jay had been so positive about things working out. What could have happened over the course of a week, for everything to go so terribly wrong? Why had he made it, but not Jay?

A memory suddenly came to mind, unbidden, of something else Jay had written to him once before. A line from a letter, the one from two years ago.

The one Jungwon had been instructed not to read until after Jay was gone, but instead he had ended up reading it so many times that each line, each word was seared into his memory.

_I hope after I’m gone, you’ll continue to take care of our friends in my place. There’s no one else I can trust more with this than you._

He thought of Heeseung’s words to him. _You’re going to save us all._ Was that what these letters were? A passing of the torch?

His fingers twitched towards the last remaining envelope. The last puzzle piece, the last clue before the letters ceased forever.

He unfolded the paper with no small amount of trepidation. It was dated April 20th, the day of Jay’s birthday. The day Jungwon saw him for the very last time, on the roof of that dance studio. The day he died.

_April 20_ _ th _ __

_Have you ever wished you could turn back time? If so, be careful what you wish for. Because it might just end up being a curse._

_Being able to rewind the clock doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to stop it from ticking at all. I guess that thinking I would be able to change fate itself was my hubris._

_An endless circle of living, and dying, an infinite loop that will stretch on forever until I succeed in saving everyone. I thought I could do it. I thought I could survive it._

_Until this morning._

_J ust when I thought I’d gotten closer to the answer, I realized this whole time I’ve been missing part of the equation entirely. And I’m tired. I think I need to rest now._

_If I wake from dreamless sleep, may tomorrow begin like a dream._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The piano piece I imagined Niki playing is: 
> 
> [Mariage d'Amour by Paul de Senneville](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJ7kDva7JE&t=26s)


	6. Caricature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This initially started out as a relatively shorter chapter but it kinda spiraled into a full blown character study oops

_“As for the people who can't love us,  
It's quite simple:_

_It has nothing to do with you_   
_That your truth touches their fear._   
_It has nothing to do with you_   
_That your soul is a mirror.”_

* * *

**The Ground**

It didn’t take long to find Jay, even in the dark. The boy was not light on his feet, and had kicked up quite a storm while walking around, leaving a clear trail for Heeseung to follow. When he finally reached the end of the trail and reached Jay, he found that the two of them were out of the woods, at the edge of a cliff.

Jay had his back to him and was staring out over the abyss, unmoving. Heeseung called out to him and got no response, so he stepped forward and gingerly grabbed him by the arm. Jay whipped around to look at him, but his eyes were unfocused, like he wasn’t all there. Before Heeseung could say anything, Jay’s legs buckled and he collapsed.

Heeseung was caught off guard and wasn’t able to fully support his weight before he hit the ground, but he quickly moved his hand to cushion his head from the fall. He hastily crouched down by Jay who was out cold.

“Jay. Jay, wake up.” Heeseung shook him. “Jongseong.” The boy stirred slightly. Heeseung wasn't sure what to do. He knew that a living person suddenly falling unconscious would warrant panic, but what of a dead person? From what he'd observed of the effects of Jay's grim reaper duties, the boy was quite prone to fainting spells anyway. 

He shook Jay one last time before pulling away, ready to lift him up and carry him back to their camp.

Before he could sit up, an arm darted out and gripped him fiercely by the wrist. Heeseung looked down in surprise but Jay’s eyes were still closed. The boy let out a loud groan, and then under his breath, so softly Heeseung almost didn’t catch it, he uttered a single word.

“Garden…”

Heeseung froze. He knew what, or who, Jay was talking about of course. He knew because he had heard that nickname multiple times, and even after the person who used it was gone, he had seen it written at the top of a certain letter…

\---

**I-Land: June**

Heeseung could not recall a single time he had shared a clothing item with Jay. The boy had style sure, while Heeseung preferred to dress down in sweats and whatever ratty pullover sweatshirt he could manage to dig out of his black hole of a closet, but that was his own personal aesthetic.

He was pretty sure that the only person Jay even allowed to touch his various designer items and limited edition footwear was Jungwon, and nobody else even attempted to ask.

Which was why he was quite confused when Mrs. Park insisted that he take a look around Jay’s closet to see if there was anything there that might be his. As sure as Heeseung was that he had never worn any of Jay’s garments, he was doubly sure that Jay wouldn’t have come near Heeseung’s wardrobe with a ten foot pole.

Nothing was going as expected lately. He had just come by to pay his respects and check in on the family- he noted Mr. Park’s absence and wondered just how briefly the man had stayed in town following his son’s funeral- and now he was being strongly encouraged to rummage around in the contents of his dead friend’s closet.

But the last thing he expected was to actually find something. Tucked away in a corner was an unassuming little black shoebox, and Heeseung would have skipped over it completely if he hadn’t had the inexplicable urge to open it. He flipped open the lid, fully expecting to see a pair of sneakers, or maybe some stylish leather boots. Instead, he found envelopes.

His heart picked up speed and he carefully slid one envelope from the box at random. It was unsealed, so he curiously opened it and unfolded the piece of paper inside. He suddenly remembered the letters Jay had written all of them when he thought he would have to move away.

He had opened his even after Jay realized he’d be able to stay, of course. Although, Jay did attempt several times to snatch the letter back before he could embarrass himself with his sentimental words.

Was this why Mrs. Park had called him over here? Had Jay written them all letters before he died? There must have been several for each of them then, because there were at least fifty envelopes in the box.

His eyes scanned the letter in his hand, and the name written at the top gave him pause. _My garden,_ it said. This one was definitely not for him. However, something in the contents of the letter caught his eye, and he couldn’t stop himself from reading it.

That was his first mistake.

By the time he finished, his hands were trembling, and ready to tear open another letter. He reached for another envelope.

“So you found them.”

Heeseung whirled around to see Mrs. Park standing in the doorway, smiling at him. Heeseung hastily folded the letter back up and returned it to the box.

“They’re all addressed to him, you know. Jungwon,” she told him. Heeseung gaped. “I hope you don’t mind me using you as a messenger, but I knew he wouldn’t come here himself. Not after… I mean, I can’t imagine how he must feel, being there first hand,” she said brokenly.

Maybe it was because they barely talked these days, or because Jungwon wouldn’t talk about the incident at all, but Heeseung had completely forgotten that he and Niki had been there that day Jay had died. Right in front of their eyes. The reminder sent a chill down his spine, especially remembering the harsh words he had exchanged with Niki outside of the convenience store.

“I—” Heeseung’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. "Did you know?" She looked at him in question. "Did you know that Jay wanted to... That he was thinking of doing that?"

Mrs. Park smiled sadly. "If I know Jay, he wasn't thinking at all. He acts on impulse- but he also acts with purpose. I trust that he knows what he's doing."

Heeseung didn't fail to notice the odd use of present tense. And to someone who didn't know Mrs. Park and listened to her words without context she would've sounded like a grief stricken mother shrouded in denial. But Heeseung did know Mrs. Park, and like her son, she never said anything she didn't mean or wholeheartedly believe to be true.

“I’ll talk to Jungwon,” he told her. She nodded at him gratefully.

“I’ll keep them here for him,” she said, looking at the letters. Heeseung’s heart sank. He had been hoping to deliver them to Jungwon directly, so that he could sneak a peek at what else Jay had written. He knew that the letters weren’t for him, but after what he had read, he needed more information.

“Of course,” he said with a strained but polite smile. “I’ll drop by his apartment soon and send him your way.”

"How's Sunoo?" She asked suddenly, taking him by surprise.

"Stable," he replied simply. She looked at him knowingly.

"Be patient, Heeseungie," she said kindly. "He's still there. You just have to find him." He didn't know what to say to that, so he just thanked her for everything.

With a last longing glance at that small little shoebox that contained all the mysteries in the world, he left, thinking that Jay's mother was probably the strangest and most wonderful person he knew.

\---

**The Ground**

“Jungwon…”

Jay slowly came to, the name dying on his lips and fading into the air before he had the chance to even become conscious of what he had said. He felt a soft firmness under his head, much too soft to be the cold hard ground of the forest floor. A gentle hand was caressing his hair, but paused in its movements as Jay slowly pushed himself off the lap he had been resting on.

“You’re awake.”

Jay looked up to see Heeseung studying him with a bittersweet smile. There was that familiarity in the other boy’s eyes again, that flicker of recognition that had been nagging at Jay since the soul had arrived. The flashes of memory that had attacked his mind before he blacked out came filtering back in. He remembered a flash of dark hair, and elegant cat shaped eyes, open wide. Jay jerked himself into an upright position and turned to Heeseung.

“I was saying something just now, wasn’t I?” he asked frantically. He felt disoriented, like he was floating, and his fingers scrabbled in the dirt in an attempt to ground himself.

“Yes,” Heeseung said, drawing out the word. He looked hesitant.

“What was I saying?”

Again, Heeseung looked unsure. He licked his lips, and looked off to the side, avoiding Jay’s eyes. “Jungwon. You were calling out for Jungwon.”

_Jungwon._ How could a name he had never heard before feel so familiar? But he _had_ heard it before, he realized. He knew that name, he had to. And something told him that the mysterious and evasive soul in front of him knew it too.

“Do you know who that is?” He asked.

“I do.”

Finally, confirmation of something. It gave Jay the boost he needed to ask the question that had taken up residence in the back of his mind since Heeseung first entered the Ground, since he had burst into tears at the sight of Sunoo and Sunghoon, since he first thought he had mistakenly heard Heeseung calling him Jongseong.

“Do you know who I am?”

Heeseung met his eyes and slowly nodded. A realization struck him, the force of it so powerful that he nearly fell backwards again. He didn't have all the pieces yet, and the ones he did have didn't quite fit together, but Jay knew with certainty that they were all part of the same puzzle.

“We all know each other. Don’t we?”

This time, Heeseung didn’t give verbal confirmation but sighed heavily.

He didn't deny it though. Those souls that were waiting for them back at their camp, the little family he had made for himself in the Ground- it seemed their ties ran deeper than Jay could've known. He expected to feel more shock at the revelation, but he only felt the mild surprise of rediscovering something long forgotten.

“Jongseong-ah,” Heeseung said. Jay’s heart gave a lurch at the name he hadn’t been called in so long. “It’s best if you keep this to yourself for now.”

Jay frowned. “Why? If we all knew each other, then there’s a chance we can help each other gain our memories back.”

“Jay,” Heeseung said sharply. He didn’t look angry however, just sad. “There’s some things that we’re better off not remembering.”

Jay thought of that sickening swooping feeling, the feeling of falling without an end in sight, of wide frightened eyes, a beautiful boy looking up at him in horror. He shivered. Did he really want to know the full story behind those images? Was it worth remembering, for the chance of escaping a place he had already settled into like a home, where he had built a family?

“Okay,” he agreed quietly. “I won’t say anything. For now at least.”

Heeseung nodded, looking relieved.

“Let’s go back. They're waiting for us."

\---

**I-Land: July**

Five out of seven.

That was the number of times this week that Jake had slept and dreamt, and woken up in a cold sweat and starved gasps. Closing his eyes and allowing himself to be lulled to sleep, now seemed more of a chore than being awake.

Because he knew that waiting behind his eyelids was broken glass, a metal frame, twisted and warped. And blood, so much blood. Sometimes the dream would start from there, throwing him straight into the aftermath. A steaming engine, ragged breaths through broken lungs. The blur of red and blue lights.

Other nights, he had to live through the impact, feel every inch of his body contort and snap. It made him wonder about the saying, “pinch me so I know I’m not dreaming,” because if a pinch was enough to wake someone up, why did a truck barelling into the side of his car at fifty miles per hour fail to shake him into consciousness? If you’re not supposed to feel pain when you’re dreaming, why was the agony more real than anything he had ever felt in his waking existence?

But the worst ones of all, took place after. After the carnage, after the ambulances, after everything. The exact length of the time elapsed after the accident was indeterminable, but the results were clear. His legs were useless. He’d see it in flashes; the spin of a wheel, the effort needed to push himself into the chair that had replaced the function of the lower half of his body. The worst was the yearning, the knowledge that not only could he not walk, he would never dance again.

This particular fear that visited him every night almost pushed him to want to break the mold, to march up to his parents and say to their faces, “I want to be a dancer, and I’m going to do it before it’s too late.” But that scene too, was nothing more than a pipe dream. He would never muster up the courage, and even if he did, what made him think he had the talent to pursue such a risk? Even Jungwon, who had no interest in making a career of it and had never taken a class in his life, moved and flowed to music with a natural grace and rhythm he could never hope to achieve.

The most recent conversation he had had with his father was still seared into his memory.

“ _Jake. I heard from your brother that you’re trying to switch majors.”_

_He felt like he’d just been dunked in ice water, and mentally cursed his brother for the betrayal. He struggled to come up with an argument on the spot._

_“Well, I’ve been doing so well with the dance club, and I even secured the president position…”_

_“I let you join that club as a hobby, Jake, nothing more. It wasn’t meant to distract you from your studies, or delude you into pursuing a useless career path,” his father said sternly. “And didn’t you only get that position because that Heeseung boy left? I heard that half the members have dropped out already. Is that your definition of doing well?”_

_“They didn’t drop out. They’re dead,” Jake said coldly. But his words had no shock value whatsoever. As usual, everything he said fell on deaf ears. His fate had already been decided, after all._

_“Then maybe you should take that as a sign.”_

It was while pursuing this line of thought that Jake suddenly noticed he had not woken up in his own room, and was in fact, in Jungwon’s. He had thought maybe he would be able to sleep better if he wasn’t alone. His friend had graciously allowed him to crash in his room multiple times this week, but it didn’t make a difference anyway.

“Nightmare again?” Jungwon’s groggy voice broke the silence.

“Did I wake you? Sorry.”

“Mm, no trouble,” he replied, but sounded more asleep than awake. Jake wanted to let Jungwon sleep, he really did, but over the past couple of weeks, a question had been weighing on his mind, and he felt like he might explode if he didn’t voice his thoughts.

“’Do you think it means something, Wonie?”

The blankets rustled.

“What do you mean?” Jungwon said, sounding much more awake. Jake sighed.

“It’s just, it’s the same thing. Every time. It feels so real,” his voice cracked. There was a pause, another rustle of movement, and then Jake felt a hand gently cupping his.

“Jake,” Jungwon said. His voice was shaking. “Don’t you think it would be better… to avoid driving for a while?”

His heart dropped. Even Jungwon, the most practical person he knew, was indulging those horrific fantasies.

“So you think it’ll actually happen?”

“I’m not saying anything.” Jungwon said carefully. “Just be careful. I won’t let anything happen to you,” he stated firmly. His words had an air of responsibility to them. Jake didn’t know why Jungwon would feel responsible for him. Ever since Jungwon had started talking to Heeseung again, he’d been acting different. His normally expressive eyes were now shuttered and cautious, constantly on guard. For what, Jake didn’t know.

He lay back down and turned over on his side, facing the wall. Sometimes it felt like everyone else was in on something, and he was just left to stumble blindly towards whatever awaited him. Maybe in this life he was meant to be blind, with others serving as his walking stick, telling him which direction to go, and which obstacles to avoid.

He desperately, desperately longed for the burden of navigating his own fate.

\---

**The Ground**

Something had changed.

Something had changed in the dynamic between the two of them, and Sunghoon knew it was him. He knew it was him because Sunoo was exactly as he had always been. Bright and shining, even moreso now that his features were basked in the warm glow from the camp fire they had built upon Heeseung and Jay’s delayed return.

No, Sunoo hadn’t changed at all. He was warm.

He was warm, where Sunghoon had always been cold, except now in all the places Sunoo touched, he could feel that warmth leeching into him, and he was slowly but surely melting. Every peal of laughter that left his lips, every eye smile that was directed his way, every nose scrunch or giggle or casual touch left Sunghoon wondering just how long it would be before he was left as a puddle at the other boy’s feet.

He had resisted as long as he could, but the walls he had built around himself were not made of stone, but ice, and it was only a matter of time before ice gave way in the presence of sunshine.

“This is nice,” Sunoo sighed happily, rubbing his hands over the fire.

“Careful not to fall in,” Heeseung joked, smiling fondly at Sunoo. It didn’t escape Sunghoon’s notice, those little glances he gave to the younger boy. It was something beyond the casual friendliness you would expect from someone who had only known a person for a mere day, but when Sunghoon started to ponder what it could be, a streak of something fiery hot surged through him.

He knew that he too, was transparent about his emotions. He didn’t know why he was feeling so protective over Sunoo all of a sudden, when he wanted nothing more than to toss him into the egg and send him on his way no more than a few days ago. The strangest part was, Heeseung seemed to notice Sunghoon’s fierce attitude towards him, but rather than rise to the bait he took it in stride. It almost felt like Heeseung was amused by him. Sunghoon didn’t know how to feel about that.

“Usually you wouldn’t catch on fire, but this place is different,” he told Sunoo. “Should I push you in and see what happens?”

Sunoo gasped, affronted, and scooted away from him suspiciously. Sunghoon smirked and just shuffled right back to Sunoo’s side so that their legs were pressed together, playfully nudging Sunoo’s knee with his own. Sunoo didn’t try to move away again.

On the other side of the fire, Jay was stewing in his own thoughts. He was restless, and though he had agreed not to disclose what Heeseung had revealed yet or seek answers for himself, he was a curious person by nature.

Not knowing was easy. Knowing just enough to be tempted for more was torture.

He didn't know if he was ready to know the things about himself that he'd only caught glimpses of in memory. But his death wasn't the only mystery to be solved, and there were two other souls that he'd just learned were very much connected to him. And Jay was dying of curiosity.

He leaned close to murmur in Heeseung’s ear, keeping his voice quiet so the other two wouldn’t hear.

“I forgot to ask you,” he whispered. He stole a glance at Sunghoon and Sunoo to make sure there were no eyes on them, but they were lost in their own world, Jay observed with tampered down glee.

Heeseung tilted his head in question.

“Exactly how much do you remember?” He asked. “Do you remember how you and the others died?” He recalled what Heeseung had said about things best not remembered, and he wondered just how many answers he could pry out of him.

“I remember everything Jay,” Heeseung replied in a voice laden with grief. He too, looked over to where Sunghoon and Sunoo were sitting and chatting amongst themselves. “Sunghoon died protecting Sunoo.”

Jay perked up in surprise. He knew that his partner had a soft spot for Sunoo, despite his efforts to conceal it, but it was strange to hear a hint at just how close they may have been when they were alive. Heeseung continued, “And I died protecting Sunoo." Jay’s eyebrows shot up even further. Both of them?

He thought of the strange tension between Heeseung and Sunghoon, and Sunoo caught in the center of it all. He filed the thought away to return to later.

“And what about Sunoo?” He pressed on. “How did Sunoo die?”

Heeseung stiffened, and Jay knew he had pushed too far. He turned away from Jay, suddenly closed off. His eyes fluttered shut, and his face crumpled through the pain of a memory. Jay tried to backtrack.

“If I overstepped, I’m sor—”

“That’s enough questions for today,” Heeseung said, quiet but cutting. Jay fell silent. He would back off for now, so as not to rile Heeseung up too much. But eventually, he knew, he would need answers, and he intended to get them. If not for his sake, then for Sunghoon and Sunoo.

"You two are sure chatting it up over there," Sunghoon said. He and Sunoo had ceased their bickering and finally remembered the existence of him and Heeseung.

"Nothing exciting," Jay lied easily. "What about you? Are you enjoying yourself, Ddeonu-ssi?"

Sunoo smiled into the fire, the light bouncing off his golden brown eyes and making them glow like embers.

"I wish we could stay here forever," he confessed. Jay felt a twisting in his gut. If he could find out more, get Heeseung to confide in him, he might just have Sunoo's ticket out of here. To paradise, to the afterlife, whatever lay beyond the Ground. Maybe there, the mountains were even taller and the trees were even greener and Sunoo wouldn't ever have to leave.

"How long is forever?" Sunghoon asked, and Jay knew that he too wished he could let Sunoo stay here for as long as he wanted.

"Sometimes, just one second," Sunoo replied.

Jay let out a whistle. "How deep."

"It's a quote," said Heeseung. "From Alice in Wonderland." Sunoo blinked at him in surprise and he looked pleased, like he finally felt validated and recognized by someone. If he only knew.

"If only our darling special cases could remember something other than book references, we'd be set, huh Sunghoon?"

Jay would joke for now, keep the mood light and playful. But he kept a secret furled in his chest like a folded letter, and it was only a matter of time before it would be opened and read aloud.

⥇

They hadn't thought much about sleeping arrangements, but Jay had brought the couple of pillows and thin blankets off of their beds from the Ground. As he was pulling them out however, Sunoo had already curled up against a log, half upright. He tucked his knees to his chest and let his head rest against the rough bark as if it were a comfortable pillow.

“Sunoo, we brought pillows and blankets, you can lie down,” Jay said in surprise. Sunoo just laughed.

“I’m comfortable like this though. It feels natural.”

“There is _nothing_ natural about sleeping in that position,” Jay protested.

“He sleeps like that in the Ground too,” Heeseung said calmly. “If he’s comfortable, let him be.”

Sunghoon looked at Sunoo strangely, as if realizing something. “You slept like that last night too?” Sunoo smiled sheepishly.

“Well I tried taking the bed this time,” he said with a glance at Heeseung. “I guess I just migrated in my sleep.” His roommate nodded in confirmation.

“You people are so weird,” Jay mumbled, fluffing out a blanket and laying it on the ground. “Am I the only normal person here?”

“Far from it,” Sunghoon retorted. He took the other blanket and pillow with a hesitant look at Heeseung, but the boy had already taken a seat next to Sunoo.

"Look at the stars," Jay sighed happily, collapsing onto his makeshift bed. "I feel like I can reach out and touch them."

"Why don't you go ahead and try?" Sunghoon snarked. Jay really did reach up though, spreading his fingers and brushing his hand back and forth, like he could comb through the sky for answers.

"Should I make a wish?" Jay asked suddenly.

"What could souls like us possibly have to wish for," Sunghoon said, sounding tired.

"I don't know," he muttered. "I just feel like it would work."

All of them sat back, looking up and tried to see what Jay saw. Tried to think of what they could want for.

Two pairs of eyes glanced over at Sunoo; the boy who slept sitting up, like he was trying to take up as little space as possible, and was happy to do so. The eyes met over the dwindling fire, and for the first time, something like understanding passed between them.

Jay thought of the boy with the cat eyes, the owner of the name that had been on his lips as he awoke from a dream of endless falling.

Three boys dared to wish, and in all of their wishes they thought not of themselves, but of another.

Sunoo did not wish. He had no wishes, only questions, and he wondered if the stars would accept those instead.

_Who am I?_ he asked. He looked at Sunghoon. _Who are you?_

_And you?_ he said to Jay.

_And you?_ he inquired of Heeseung.

There was no answer.

\---

**I-Land: September**

Sunoo was the type of person who liked to stick to the commitments he made. He didn’t consider himself to be a flaky type of character, and so, in the last few weeks when it became clear that he would not be able to honor such time commitments, he ceased making them at all.

Every time his friends invited him out he would reply in the group chat with a sad face, accompanied by an even sorrier excuse. He refused to promise anything and not show up, but that didn’t stop the sting of guilt he felt when he got a notification from Niki on the day the rest of them were meeting up for lunch.

_Are you really not coming, Sunoo hyung?_

The truth on this particular day was that he really was occupied elsewhere, but even if he hadn’t been he would have hesitated to go. He didn’t know if he had the strength to paste on that smile everyone knew and loved, and pretend like everything was alright- and he didn’t want to bring the mood down.

His job was to be a bright presence, to put people at ease and indulge them with infectious laughter. He couldn’t fulfill that role at present, so he thought it best if he just wasn’t there at all.

If his mother had ever imparted any sort of valuable lesson on him, it was not to give too much of yourself to anyone. She had made that mistake herself and now she was alone, and Sunoo was alone.

So if all people saw was a beautifully painted mask of rosy cheeks and carved dimples, well that would just make it all the easier to bear if they decided they didn’t like what they saw. He would know at least, that it wasn’t his true face anyway.

It wasn't that the mask wasn't him _at all_ ; he wasn't an unhappy person. It's just that everyone saw the happy, the good, and assumed that that was all there was. So Sunoo didn't have to do much to conceal himself, really. People liked to make their assumptions and run with them, and it would be a far way to run before they would tire.

Not that he had managed to keep everyone ignorant. Heeseung had always been there, a constant presence in his life long before he had learned that valuable lesson. He already knew Sunoo inside and out. But he stayed, and he continued to stay.

In fact, he had offered to cancel with the group and accompany Sunoo to the hospital today, but Sunoo had refused. Just because he had gone into seclusion, didn’t mean he had to drag Heeseung down with him. He could manage one day on his own, though even as he assured himself he felt Heeseung’s absence like a gaping hole at his side, where they would usually be attached at the hip.

“Are you going to come inside, or are you just going to stand there all day?”

Sunoo looked up to see his mother eyeing him warily from the hospital bed. He stepped into the room and slid the door shut behind him, and she turned away. 

“You’re awake,” he said calmly.

“Hadn’t I told you that you don’t have to visit?” Sunoo knew that if she had the strength to make her tone biting she would; but as it were, her voice just came out as a soft rasp.

“You had not,” Sunoo replied smoothly. “But the message still came across and I’m still here.”

His mother sighed heavily. “Don’t you have friends to be with at your age? Where’s Heeseung?”

“My friends can last one day without me. And I can last one day without Heeseung.” The jury was still out on that second part, but the former was definitely true. He knew Sunghoon, at the very least, would not mind his absence.

Sure, they had come a long way from their first frosty encounter, and the subsequent awkward phase of struggling to be amicable as their friend groups merged. They'd become tentative acquaintances first, and then had settled into an easy going friendship, although there remained an unclosable distance there that Sunoo didn’t have with any of the others.

He suspected Sunghoon saw his mask for what it was, and thought it best to keep a person who was so intentionally two-dimensional at arm’s length. And Sunoo, well… Sunghoon might just be the only other person he’d be willing to let that mask down for.

“Any updates?”

“Well I’m dying, just as I have been for years. If you must know, I seem to be dying quicker now.” She sounded nonchalant about it.

“Why won’t you look at me?” She'd been staring out the window since Sunoo had entered. Maybe she thought if she looked hard enough, he'd be transported to the other side of the glass.

“So you’ll leave."

“Just because he left, doesn’t mean I will.” Sunoo crossed the room to take a seat in one of the chairs by the window, and she was finally forced to meet his eyes. He pulled a book from his bag, and flipped it open to a bookmarked page. She looked at the book the way one would eye a rat.

"You used to read to me, remember? Every night, before bed." Sunoo laughed, shaking his head. "No wonder I grew up to be such a bookworm."

"It's one of the only things I did."

"Stop bending over backwards to try and make me hate you," he said. "You'll over exert yourself. And it won't work anyway."

“I’ve never been there for you,” she said bluntly. All her words to him had sharp edges, intended to cut. Outwardly, she seemed cold and dispassionate, but Sunoo knew what it really was: guilt.

“Maybe not,” Sunoo agreed. “But if everyone only thought in terms of what’s given or taken, then there wouldn’t be a single person left without debt.”

Either the fight had left her, or maybe she was just tired, because she only closed her eyes in response. Sunoo crossed his legs and started to read out loud.

"' _But it's no use now," thought poor Alice_ ," he began, "' _to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough left of me to make one respectable person...'"_

⥇

“Sunoo-ssi, are you staying overnight again?”

It was late, and his mother had already dozed off, drowsy with medication. His own eyelids were getting heavier by the minute. Like usual, he took a seat on the floor by his mother’s bed, ready to settle in for the night.

“I can make arrangements for a cot, you know,” the nurse said, her face pinched in concern. She offered every single time he stayed the night, ever since that first time she had found him in the morning curled up against the wall, sound asleep.

“It’s okay,” he said, drawing his knees up to his chest. He looked over to where his mother was sleeping. Maybe if he were a different person, Sunoo would make his way over to her and climb into the bed, curling up by her side. Maybe if she was a different person, she would wrap her arms around him and ask him to stay. But he had learned to be content with himself and others for who they were, not who they could be, and so he just smiled. “I’m comfortable like this.”

\---

****

Niki was becoming certain that there was nobody in the world who knew him as well as Jungwon did. As if sensing Niki's sour mood, he had immediately suggested going out to buy taiyaki after lunch. The six friends were now all sitting at a picnic bench in the park down the street from the bakery, munching on their pastries. Niki didn't have the biggest sweet tooth, but he always made an exception for a good custard-filled taiyaki, which was almost good enough to fill the void of Sunoo's absence and soothe the sting of his text going unanswered. Almost. ****

“Do you want to buy one to take home for Rei?” Jungwon asked. Niki nodded eagerly, so excited by the prospect of being able to treat his sister that he forgot to feel ashamed that it was Jungwon’s money that would be buying it, not his.

“It’s weird,” Jay said with his mouth disgustingly full, “I keep forgetting Niki has a sister.” Niki wasn't surprised by this, considering that none of his friends had ever met any of his family, not even Jungwon. Jungwon only knew of his sister because he talked about her consistently. 

“That’s because we older brothers have to keep our dongsaengs away from you freaks,” Sunghoon cracked. “Right, Niki?”

Niki snorted but shook his head. “I agree with the sentiment, but we’re the same age actually. Twins.”

Jay's mouth dropped open comically, and it would've been quiet funny if he had only swallowed his food first. “Twins! You mean there’s been a female version of Niki running around this whole time and we were unaware?” Jungwon wrinkled his nose and reached over to grasp Jay's chin and nudge his jaw shut.

“She runs away from home a lot so you wouldn't have much of a chance of seeing her.” When met with questioning stares he added awkwardly, "she and my dad had a bit of a falling out, and the relationship is... tense."

Jungwon frowned and Niki saw the rest of them exchanging glances, obviously not wanting to pry further but not knowing what to say.

“Oh right, your father’s a music teacher right?" Jake piped up in an obvious attempt to clear the awkwardness. "Must be nice getting lessons in your own house.”

“He doesn’t teach us anymore,” Niki said quickly. Jay cleared his throat and leaned over.

"Indulge me," he said. “I’ve got to see what Niki looks like as a girl.” And just like that, the subject was changed back smoothly. Relieved and quietly grateful, Niki pulled out his phone and scrolled through his photos until he came upon the most recent one he had of his sister.

It was the two of them together. They were sitting side by side on the piano bench, cheeks pressed together with ear to ear grins as Niki snapped the picture. He couldn’t remember the last time they looked so happy.

“Oh wow, you two are so young here,” Sunghoon said, bending over the table to see.

“It wasn’t _that_ long ago. Just a year before you met me maybe.”

“Baby face,” Jungwon remarked.

“Pot, kettle,” Jay said with a snort, spewing red bean paste everywhere.

“Not everyone can document every second of their lives on camera, so forgive me if my selfies are a bit outdated,” Niki grumbled.

"You mock me little one, but my portfolio consists mostly of all of you."

Jay released another spray of crumbs as he cracked up over Jungwon calling anyone "little." Niki handed him a napkin, and then on second thought gave him the whole stack.

"At least Jungwon's actually allowed to pursue his passion," Jake said with a sigh. The table glanced at him sympathetically.

"Your dad still isn't letting up, huh?"

"Because apparently one son in the medical field isn't enough. My brother won't back me up either. Guess he wants me to suffer like he did."

"An asian parent forcing their child to be a doctor? This is unheard of," Jay gasped.

"Do you think if I tell him that he's being a stereotype he'll let me switch majors just to liberate himself from the status quo?" Jake mused.

"Doubt it."

"It's probably for the best," he said, looking forlorn. "I'm not good enough to make a career of it anyway."

"That's not true. You and Sunghoon are killing it in dance," Niki commented honestly. Despite his refusal to join their dance club himself, he still attended all their showcases, and his friends were admittedly amazing.

Jake blushed while Sunghoon just laughed exasperatedly. "Yeah, I'm kind of stuck in the same boat here though. The family is all about that figure skating life." There was a longing in his voice, which surprised Niki. Sunghoon was a rising star by anyone's definition, and he hadn't considered that the skater might want anything other than what he had.

"Do you really hate it that much?" Jay asked curiously.

"I love it," Sunghoon said in a quiet voice. "I love it until I remember that I'm obligated to do it, and then I hate it."

Niki sympathized with Jake and Sunghoon, far more than they knew. Listening to them talk about their struggles with their parents and pursuing their passions struck a chord in him, but he didn't know how he would begin to explain exactly why he related so much.

His situation was more messy, and people didn't like messy. People took messy and hid it under their beds and stuffed it into their closets and it was only a temporary fix, but it kept the mess from spilling out onto other people. So he remained silent, keeping his baggage tucked neatly away while offering his objective support.

"Heeseung, you're quiet," Jungwon noted. Indeed, the oldest hadn't said so much as two words during their entire conversation. Quiet as a mouse and seated at the very edge of the bench, it was easy to forget he was even there. Heeseung looked up from his phone, startled at being addressed.

"Huh?"

"Sunoo's not going to catch on fire if you look away from your phone for a second," Jungwon joked, although there was a layer of seriousness to his comment. "And if he does, you'll hear the phone ringing when he calls."

Heeseung laughed good naturedly, looking decently embarrassed. "Right, my bad."

Niki watched the exchange with a bitter taste in his mouth. Not only was Sunoo's absence felt, Heeseung was barely present, his head too occupied with thoughts of Sunoo. And the fact that he seemed to know where Sunoo was when nobody else did rubbed him the wrong way.

"Where is Sunoo anyway," Niki wondered aloud, making a conscious effort to keep his voice casual.

"Oh, he wasn't feeling well," Heeseung answered immediately. He'd been prepared for the question. Niki narrowed his eyes.

"He knew he wouldn't be feeling well a week in advance?"

Heeseung paused. "Is there something you want to say?" He wore a mild look on his face, but his voice had a serrated edge to it. A warning.

Niki felt a nudge at his side and Jungwon shook his head at him. Niki hated having to be told to stand down, but he smiled tightly, and said "Of course not."

The conversation resumed, and they dropped the heavier topics in favor of mindless chatter. Nobody mentioned Sunoo again.

Two boys sat across from each other quietly, with something brewing between them; it was nothing big yet, but it was bitter and silent and misunderstood, and it would very soon come to a boil and spill over. When that happened, the mess that had very carefully been contained would paint the floor and walls, and nobody would be left unstained.

Heeseung looked at him with a glint of ice in his eyes, and Niki felt the beginnings of a small flickering flame growing in his chest.

⥇

Niki tried to slip into his house unnoticed, but he had the unoiled door hinges and creaking floorboards working against him. Then there was the fact that his father almost solely resided either in the living room or kitchen of their small worn down house, both of which were grouped together in a single common space that was in full view of the front door. Therefore, it was a great disappointment but not a surprise when he came tip toeing in only to be met with a glare.

The man sat on the floor of their living room, hunched over an old splintering coffee table. It was one of the few pieces of furniture they had left. Their couches and dining table had long been sold off for drink, once the piano lesson money stopped coming in. Niki didn't know where the funds came from now, now that the house was bare and there was nothing left to pawn. There was only one thing left of value that they possessed, but if it was ever put up for sale, Niki would know his father was well and truly gone.

The first thing his father noticed was the taiyaki, his eyes zeroing in on it immediately. Niki knew that his father knew that he had not an ounce of spare change to buy such a treat.

“It’s for Rei,” he said nervously. He used the name like one would a shield. His sister was his father’s favorite, or had been. Ever since their fight that day he barely acknowledged her, but Rei at least escaped their father’s daily wrath, and could come and go in their home as she pleased.

However, Niki’s words seemed to only ignite his temper, fanning the flames of that ever present fire that would sometimes dwindle, but never go completely out. The slighest drop of fuel caused the flames to jump out, burning anyone who got close. Sometimes the fuel came in cases, big packs of bottles that littered every surface and overflowed onto the floor.

“Where were you all day?” The stench of beer permeated the air, and Niki wrinkled his nose reflexively.

“I told you I was out with friends,” he gulped. “Jungwon and the others.”

“You really think you have friends?” the man spat. He slowly clambered to his feet, stumbling a bit. “That boy sees you as a charity case. What would a group of college students really want with a high schooler?”

Niki tried to ignore the words, but something gave him pause. Charity case. Was that all he was?

“Do they know you’re crazy?” His father slurred, jabbing a tremulous finger in his direction. Niki clenched his fist. He hardly thought his father was one to talk about character deficiencies when he could hardly string a sentence together. Besides, whatever flaws Niki may have had were surely inherited. And from what little he had heard about his mother, he hadn't gotten that temper from her.

“Is Rei home?” He asked.

His father shot him a glare that said, “When is she ever?” and then turned back to his drink in dismissal. But when Niki entered his room, his sister was sitting there on his bed, like she had been waiting for him. He stared at her.

“Did you come in through the window?”

“The door is too noisy,” she answered, as if stating the obvious and he was the one being stupid. She had a point.

He held the fish waffle out to her wordlessly and her eyes brightened. She started to reach for it, then stopped and turned away, her shoulders sagging. “I’m not hungry,” she said sullenly. "You should have it."

Niki frowned. “Are you feeling okay?” Upon closer inspection, she did look quite pale. He felt her forehead. “You need to stop going out without a jacket on, it’s already fall.”

“Stop nagging,” she said playfully, but she cast her eyes down and started picking nervously at her fingers. Niki knew she had something to say.

"What is it?"

"Why don't you play anymore?" She blurted out, looking up at him with wide eyes. Niki blinked. The question came out of nowhere, and was completely out of context but he knew exactly what she was talking about.

He thought the answer was obvious. It was the only thing left of value in their house, but it was off limits to everyone. A piano that had locked its lid and cloaked itself in a dusty ghost-white sheet was a piano that did not want to be played. Niki suddenly thought of Jake, and their conversation on fathers and siblings and expectations.

He compared himself, who was mediocre and would never be good enough, to his sister, who had been too good and too perfect. But she didn't want to be perfect, and her music became bitter and resentful until one day she stormed out of the house, leaving Niki with half a duet and a man who mourned for wasted talent.

Was it enough to love something and be imperfect? Was it enough to be perfect and live with no passion?

He didn't have the answers to either of those questions, and so he told his sister the simple answer instead:

"Because I'm not you."

\---

**I-Land: July**

Jake slammed his textbook shut with a heavy groan. His mind was completely numb by now, no longer digesting anything he was reading. If he was quizzed on the material on the page he’d been staring at blankly for the last hour, he would have about as many answers as he had functioning brain cells left.

He pushed his chair back from his desk and stumbled towards the mirror hanging on the other side of his room. His legs were frozen stiff from sitting all day and heshook them out vigorously before doing a quick stretch routine.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to go through some steps, a footwork sequence from the choreography he and Sunghoon had started learning together months ago. It was one they'd never finished.

Watching his reflection, it was clear that his movements were jilted and awkward. Neither his body nor his heart were quite capturing the feeling of the dance. He cursed and slumped to the floor.

It had been different, when Sunghoon was with him. Almost as though his friend were a power source, Jake had drawn energy from him when they danced together. They'd moved in tandem, two parts of a whole. Without him it felt like he was missing a limb, and the handicap reflected in his performance too.

There was no point anymore of doing what he loved when he knew that it had no place in the future that had been constructed for him. There was no point when the people that had surrounded him with their passion and enhanced his own, were no longer by his side.

His phone rang, and Jake groaned. The vibrations propelled the phone inch by inch across his desk, and he crawled over to catch it just as it toppled over the edge.He looked at the caller ID and quickly swiped to answer.

“Hello?”

“Jake, can you meet up with me right now?”

“Heeseung? What’s wrong?” There was a pause.

“I’m at the hospital with Sunoo. Can you come?” Heeseung sounded strange but not panicked, which Jake took as a good sign. He looked at the clock.

“I’ll have to wait for the next bus, so I can be there in around half an hour maybe?”

“No,” Heeseung said quickly. “Take your car.”

Jake froze. He thought of his dreams, and Jungwon’s ominous warning. Chewing at his nails in anxious habit, he kept his eyes fixated on the clock. If he could will it to freeze for just a moment, just enough time for him to get to Heeseung without teasing a prophesized doom... 

“I-”

“Please, Jake. It’s an emergency.” There it was finally, that note of desperation in his voice, and upon hearing it Jake was already rummaging around in his drawer for his keys. If Heeseung was at the hospital with Sunoo, and there was an emergency, there was no time to waste worrying about his gory night-time visions.

“I’ll be there in ten.”

Jake drove as fast as he dared, mindful of the urgency in Heeseung’s tone, but also taking heed of Jungwon’s words. Every time there was a car right ahead of him he slowed down, keeping his distance, and every time he spotted a car coming up too close behind him he sped up or switched lanes.

“None of you are crashing into me today,” he mumbled under his breath. It was almost funny, his little game of evasion, and as the drive continued on smoothly without a hitch, he felt himself ease up.

He was nearing the hospital now. He reached the intersection right before the parking lot and tapped the steering wheel impatiently as a stream of pedestrians crossed in front of him.

Finally, the last person made it to the other side of the road and the light flashed green. Jake hit the gas on autopilot, his one thought being getting to his destination as quickly as possible.

He didn’t see the person running out into the crosswalk. He didn’t see the flash of burgundy hair. He didn’t see any of these things until they were in the path of his accelerating car, and by the time he made to slam on the brakes it was too late. Jake squeezed his eyes shut on reflex but his ears still registered the sickening thud as he collided with the boy who had leapt in front of him at the speed of sound. He hadn’t seen any of it coming, but he saw it once it was right in front of him.

In the split second before he closed his eyes and crashed, time slowed, and Jake saw his friend Lee Heeseung staring straight at him with wide doe eyes and a faint smile.

Sometimes just one second, can last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some notes:
> 
> Jay's mom is prob OOC here based on what we've seen of her (she's my bias) but I figured there's already enough Jay roasting in this story as it is, so I present to you gentle and whimsical Mrs. Park lol
> 
> And finally we are getting Jake's storyline! I apologize for the wait- as it turns out, balancing seven individual character arcs is a bit of a struggle. Hmm does this make me a hypocrite for complaining about line distribution?? (no it doesn't, give Sunoo + Niki more lines pls @belift)


	7. Interlude: Collecting Stars

_“Perhaps we are wishing  
for each other  
upon the same star"_

* * *

The air is silent and still. The moon is in its full shining glory, casting a light upon two figures standing by a pond, hand in hand. The world is sleeping, but the stars are just now blinking awake, settling in for a long night. It is peaceful, eerily so, and quiet enough to hear oneself breathe.

Two breaths join the air on this night, a mother and a child. The woman is slender and beautiful, and the highlights the moon casts on her face give her features an ethereal glow. When she speaks, her voice is smooth like silk, unfurling across the water and extending to the sky.

“If you could wish for anything, what would it be?”

The child, matured beyond his years, answers without hesitation.

“To be with the ones I love forever.” His aura is calm, quiet but thoughtful, subdued but passionate. There is a fire burning within him, though he doesn’t know it yet. It will be up to fate to dictate whether it will consume and blind him, or if he will be able to harness that energy into something beautiful.

“If you want something,” the woman says. “Wish it on the stars. Maybe it will come true.” The boy frowns at his mother, who has tugged him gently by the hand to sit beside the water. She has a dreamy smile on her face that he cannot understand. She gazes at the blossoms that dot the pond. In the daytime, they would reveal their soft yellow hue, but right now they just appear as a washed up grey.

Some things are not more beautiful in the night.

“That’s just a fantasy,” he tells his mother. “Wishing on a star never works.” He had never tried. Because then he would hope for it to work, and hope is such a fragile thing.

“Perhaps it doesn’t,” she allows. “But that is why you should wish on all of them, and maybe just one will be feeling generous that night.” The child hums in thought. It is strange to hear, this sound of deep contemplation coming from such a youthful face. This boy, who refuses to wish for anything lest it not come true, has the face of a child, whilst his mother has the heart of one.

“But do you want to know something?” The woman stretches out her leg, the white silk of her dress bunching around her thigh as she dips her toe into the cold water. The stars are reflected in the glassy surface, and the sky ripples underneath her touch. “There’s a way to make sure your wish comes true. But only if it is very, very important.”

“What kind of wish is an important one?” The boy asks intelligently. The woman looks at him with open affection on her face.

“The kind of wish,” she says, “that allows you to be with the ones you love forever.” He brightens.

“How can I make it come true? I’ll wish it now!”

The woman laughs and tells him gently, “You cannot do it now. You must lose, before you can gain. You must take the plunge into the murky depths, before you can swim.” She stirs the pond with her leg. Leaning forward she submerges herself to her knees.

“But I don’t want to jump,” the boy says petulantly.

“Nobody wants to jump, darling. Sometimes, due to forces beyond our control, we get pushed. And when that happens, then you can wish. Do you understand?”

“But how?”

“Do you know what these flowers are?” She gestures to the water.

“Lotuses,” he answers confidently.

“All flowers carry a meaning. Do you know what these mean?” He struggles to fish for an answer.

“…Pretty?”

“The lotus is the symbol of rebirth. To live, to die, to become again. It grows in the darkest, murkiest water, but it remains pure and untouchable. When you get pushed, and end up in the darkest situation, your wish will be granted then.”

The woman reaches up to smooth the confused frown from her son's face.

"Forget about it for now. You're too young to think so much," she says softly. "From now on, try not to take yourself too seriously, Jongseong-ah. Live in the moment."

\---

**I-Land: October 5th** ****

"I don't think this is a good idea."

"That's impossible, since I'm the one who came up with it," Jay declared. "We're going to take my car, I'm going to drive us up to that mountain, and we're going to have a hell of a time."

Niki did not want to have a hell of a time. He'd been told to _go_ to hell. Had he deserved it? Probably.

"What's wrong Niki?" Jungwon asked in a more serious tone, ever observant of his fluctuating moods. But just like Jay, he too, was missing the point.

"Well first of all, I don't even deserve this trip anymore, and it's not right to go without everyone else..." Niki trailed off. If things had gone differently, maybe they still could have gone with Sunghoon and Jake at least. Or even Heeseung and Sunoo could have joined later, after they finished dealing with whatever emergency had arisen.

But things had gone the way they had gone, and it didn't sit right with him to go out and enjoy himself like nothing had happened.

"None of this deserve or don't deserve nonsense," said Jay. "If I beat myself up every time I acted like an idiot, I'd never get back up again."

"Yeah but you're a harmless idiot," Niki said, ignoring the indignant noise Jay made, "your idiocy doesn't hurt the people around you."

Jay opened and closed his mouth. Even he was struggling to defend him, Niki noted bitterly.

"Well, maybe not to that degree," Jay finally managed, "but I did drop Jungwon's camera once and broke the lens. He didn't talk to me for three days," he said, looking almost proud. "He forgave me though, because he can't live without me."

"I forgave him because he's rich," Jungwon corrected, "and replaced the whole camera with one that was ten times as expensive."

"It was a nice camera," Jay affirmed. "Definitely a worthy apology."

"That doesn't help me though," Niki said sullenly. "I'm not rich, and I didn't break anything."

"Except Sunoo's heart-- OW." Jay rubbed his arm where Jungwon had just pinched him hard. "My _point_ , is that there's always time to make amends. Right now, you need to focus on you, and forgiving yourself."

Maybe he was right.

Forgiving himself. When was the last time he had done that?

"I still don't think this is a good idea," Niki said, eyeing Jay warily.

"What? Why not?"

"Jay said he's going to drive."

⥇

"Just so you know, I've never gotten into an accident in my life," Jay said petulantly from the passenger seat as Jungwon drove. They both looked at him skeptically. "Intentionally," he added.

"What a relief to know you didn't total your car on purpose," Jungwon snorted.

"Yeah, didn't you crash into someone the first week after getting your license?" Niki added.

"It was the other guy's fault!" Jay exclaimed in protest.

'I'm just saying hyung, _I've_ never gotten into an accident." Jay swiveled around in his seat and narrowed his eyes at him.

"You don't even know how to drive, you brat," he hissed.

"Then that makes two of us."

Jungwon laughed at their banter as they continued tossing remarks back and forth easily, and Niki could almost pretend that this was how the weekend was supposed to have gone.

There was no Heeseung singing along to the radio in his angelic voice,no Jake and Sunghoon rambling excitedly about their latest dance routine, and no Sunoo for Niki to rest his head on for a nap as the road stretched on and on ahead of them.

But he had Jay who made him laugh, and who carried his backpack for him for the whole hike up to the top of the mountain, and he had Jungwon, who hand fed him kimbap as the sky darkened into night, as if Niki was his baby brother rather than just a year his junior.

"Do you know what they call this place?" Jay said, after they finished setting up their tent. Their labor had gone to waste; Jay complained that he felt stifled with the three of them crammed into such a small space, so they had dragged their sleeping bags outside and made up their coccoons on the ground.

"Do tell."

"Wish-giving mountain," he said with a straight face.

Niki snorted skeptically. "The mountain is magic?"

Jay shook his head. "Not the mountain. But they say that here at the summit, there's no other place in the world where you're closer to the stars. The stars are what you wish on."

Niki gazed up at the sky, and it twinkled back at him. Though he knew better than to take Jay seriously he had to admit that back in the city, he would never see the stars as clearly as he could here. It was like a whole new sky had been unveiled, and instead of the occasional wink or two of light, a shimmering sea of fire washed over him. It was breathtaking.

"I'm pretty sure there are mountains higher than this," he said instead. Jay scowled.

"I don't mean physically close!"

Jungwon nudged Niki with a grin. "Give him a break, he's trying to be poetic."

"Still, wishing on stars, hyung? What are you, five?"

"You can question my credibility all you want, but I'm just repeating what my mother told me. And she's the wisest person I know," Jay said gravely.

"I'll second that," Jungwon said.

"Third," Niki agreed.

Jay lay back on his sleeping bag with a heavy sigh. "What do you guys wish for?"

"I wish that I could turn back time," Niki said without hesitaton. "To yesterday afternoon."

It may have seemed like a waste of a wish, to roll back the clock just one day. But in that moment, there was nothing Niki wanted more than for Sunoo to smile brightly at him again. For Heeseung to see him as the precious maknae, rather than the temperamental brat who had hurt his favorite person.

"Lame," said Jay. "If I could turn back time, I'd go all out and redo my whole life again to save myself from my humiliating moments."

"I think you'd just end up finding a way to embarrass yourself further," Jungwon remarked.

"Whatever," Jay huffed. "That's Niki's wish, not mine." For a moment, a contemplative expression crossed his face. Then he abruptly jumped to his feet, jostling the two boys on either side of him.

"I, Park Jongseong," he boomed, jabbing a finger at the sky dramatically. Jungwon immediately burst out giggling, and Niki rolled into him, wheezing.

"He's gone mad," he gasped. Jay ignored them.

"I, Park Jongseong, wish..." His voice suddenly went soft, and Jungwon and Niki quieted down, now watching him intently. "I wish to always have my friends by my side, and protect them, no matter what." His words echoed in the air with resounding intention before they were swallowed up by the darkness.

He turned back to them with a grin, and Jungwon felt a flutter in his chest like a small bird had taken the place of his heart.

"What about you, Garden? What's your wish?"

Jungwon looked up at his best friend, at the way the brilliant night illuminated his bleach blonde hair in a golden halo around his head. _Just like a guardian angel_ , he thought.

Jay looked back at him expectantly, a soft smile curving his lips. It was the smile he reserved only for Jungwon, always accompanied by a sweetness in his eyes. It was the smile he wore whenever he presented him with yet another bouquet, because according to him, " _H_ _ow can there be a garden without flowers?"_ It made him look less severe, softening all the angles and hard lines of his face. He looked innocent. And with that innocence, came a certain sense of fragility.

_All my wishes, I give them to you. Take all these stars, yours and mine, and use them to guide your way._

"Jungwon?"

"If I say it out loud, it won't come true," he said finally.

Jay gaped. "You can't take a birthday candle rule and make it a wishing star rule!"

"It's late," Jungwon evaded with a yawn. "Go to sleep Jay, or none of your wishes will come true at all."

"Well now you sound just like my mother," Jay grumbled.

Niki silently hoped that both his friends' wishes really would come true. Jay's was a worthy one, and he was sure Jungwon's was too, whatever it may be. He wondered if his wish was worthy enough. If he was worthy enough.

He thought of what Jungwon said about a wish spoken out loud not coming true. He felt foolish, but just as insurance for himself and Jay, he repeated their words in his head like a mantra.

_I wish for Jay to always be able to protect us no matter what. And I wish for second chances._

_I wish for second chances._

Laying his head on Jay's shoulder, Niki continued his internal chant until he finally drifted off into dreamless sleep.

That night, at the top of the mountain where they were close enough to touch the sky, the three friends slept contentedly, unaware that they had tempted fate.

****\---

**Day One**

"Did you hear the news? That figure skater, the young handsome one-- oh, it's just awful! Their home was broken into, and he was killed right there in his room."

"What? The whole family too?"

"No no, just the boy. His parents must be devastated, I can't imagine why anyone would do such a thing..."

Jay slammed whatever item he'd been blankly staring at back on the shelf and stormed out of the store abruptly. Talk of Sunghoon followed him everywhere he went now. Sunghoon had never competed on a national level- not yet, though he had surely been working his way up there- but he was still widely recognized locally.

Everyone was devastated over the loss of the young star. Or so they claimed, with their empty words and useless platitudes. Jay wondered just how many of the doting mourners had even seen Sunghoon skate.

"Mom," Jay said brokenly the day after the memorial. "Do wishes really come true?"

She drew him in close and stroked his hair gently. "If you want it badly enough," she answered cryptically.

"I don't know what to do," he cried into her shoulder.

"Jay, you have the strongest will out of anyone I've ever seen. Just trust in yourself, and it will all work out in the end."

***

Over the course of the next few months, it did not all work out in the end. The next to fall victim to tragedy was Sunoo, and then nobody saw Heeseung after that except for when their paths crossed while visiting the hospital. Niki couldn't be contacted, and somehow in all their three years of friendship Jay had never been to his house, nor did he know where it was.

Jake had assumed the position of president in the dance club after Heeseung went radio silent. However, he quit shortly after at the urging of his father and threw himself into his studies. He was miserable, and he barely slept, and then one day he picked up Jungwon from the hospital.

Jay was on the phone with Jungwon when it happened.

"Gardennn," he sang. "I happen to have passed by a flower shop on the way home, and I was wondering if you would prefer tulips or roses to brighten your day."

The last couple of months had been tough, but they'd found solace in each other. Jungwon visited Sunoo at the hospital regularly, though he always returned looking worn down and incredibly sad. Jay liked doing things that made Jungwon forget to be sad.

Jungwon giggled. "Is 'happened to pass by' code for 'I drove here specially for you?'" Jay scoffed as if the notion was ridiculous, even though Jungwon knew Jay had done just that multiple times in the past.

"Don't flatter yourself, Jungwonie. I don't drive anywhere unless I have to, and you're certainly not special enough to warrant the trip." It was a lie and he knew it, and Jungwon probably knew it too.

Jungwon hummed contemplatingly. "Tulips."

Jay felt the corners of his mouth tug upwards. All flowers carried a meaning, and as something of a connoisseur himself, he knew all of them like the back of his hand. Tulips were his favorite type of flower to gift Jungwon, and he wondered if the boy also knew what they meant. 

"Tulips it is," he brightly chirped to the girl who was assisting him. She smiled at him slyly.

"Boyfriend?" Jay felt himself flush.

"He wishes!" He heard someone yell over the phone. Jungwon laughed, but he sounded shy.

"Pay attention to the road, Jakey."

Jay felt a sudden rush of courage wash over him.

"Would you?" He said, before he could stop himself.

It'd been a long time coming, but he probably wouldn't have done it like this. Once upon a time, his friends would have teased him endlessly if they found out he'd confessed over the phone. But that scenario was no longer a possibility, and life was short.

He considered hanging up, or pretending like he hadn't said anything. He decided against it. _You only live once_ , he thought. _Live in the moment_.

"Would I what?" Jungwon asked. He sounded hopeful, which in turn, allowed Jay to hope.

_Would you be mine._ No, that was too cheesy. He struggled to think of a better line. Jungwon would still poke fun at him no matter what, but no one could say he didn't at least try to be romantic.

"Would you--"

"JAKE!"

For a split instant, Jay could only wonder why Jungwon was yelling another man's name when he was in the middle of professing his feelings. Then he heard the crash-- a loud, ugly, gutteral sound that shattered his ears and stilled his heart. He froze, and the world around him stopped.

"Jungwon?"

***

Nothing had gone right or worked itself out, no matter how hard he had willed it. Jay was completely and utterly alone, and he was beginning to think that his mother, who was the wisest person he knew, was really just a liar.

His father had been in Europe for work the whole time. Jay assumed that his mother kept him up to date on everything that had happened though, and one day a package arrived in the mail for him.

He was tempted to throw it away. What he was living through wasn't the kind of hurt that could be soothed away with money and gifts, as well intentioned as his father may be. But when he opened the box, there was a note resting on top.

_My son,_

_I know what you are going through right now, and I deeply regret that I cannot be there with you. Don't bottle everything up inside- I've always taught you to be open with your emotions, and I hope that this can be of help with that. If you find yourself unable to voice something out loud, let it all out on paper._

_I know you are strong. I'm proud of you, Jongseong._

It was a box of stationary. Jay carefully trailed his fingers over the stack of envelopes and lined paper, and allowed himself to cry.

He got out a pen and picked up one of the envelopes and a sheet of paper.

_My garden,_ he began to write.

***

It rained on the day of the funeral. Everyone had come, even Heeseung and Niki, who he hadn't seen in ages. He avoided them all.

He especially avoided Jake, who came even though he was still far from recovered. He'd spotted a nurse rolling him across the grass, struggling as the wheels slipped and sunk into the wet soil. He couldn't approach him. Not when he'd been too distraught to even check up on his friend after the accident.

What would he say? 'Sorry about your legs?' 'Sorry I didn't visit you because nothing else in the world mattered after I found out Jungwon didn't make it?'

Avoidance was always the easier option.

He stayed there for hours and hours after everyone else had left, clutching the flowers he had brought for his garden.

"Per your request," he said, laying the tulips down. The world was dark and gray that day, and the flowers shone like rubies against the monochrome backdrop. 

He hesitated, then kneeled down, not giving a care for the mud that squelched around his knees. "You didn't let me finish," he told Jungwon. He took a deep shuddering breath. 

"Would you stay by my side forever?" he asked, choked. He stared down at the bouquet. Red tulips: _Perfect love._ "That was what I was going to say."

Of course, Jungwon could no longer give him a reply. But Jay had gotten his answer anyway.

He had asked the question, and fate had told him no.

He wondered what Jungwon's answer would have been.

***

Jay didn't know how long he knelt there, shaking and wet and cold, but he must have lost consciousness at some point because the next thing he knew, he was waking up in his own bed.

There was sunlight streaming in through the windows. There was not a trace of the stormy day before, although the forecast had shown rain all week. But Jay did not have the time to find this strange at all. Just then, his phone buzzed loudly, which was the next peculiar thing, because who was there left to message him?

He checked it warily. When his eyes registered what he was seeing, his world flipped upside down and he laughed at himself for ever having doubted his mother.

He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked again, then turned off his phone and then looked once more. He wondered if all his suffering had just been one oddly realistic, drawn out nightmare. Because right there, before his eyes, was a text from Jungwon, asking him what he wanted for his birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaywon :')
> 
> Only after writing this I finally remembered that Jongseong literally means "collecting stars" and it's just too perfect


	8. Through the Lens

_“Be careful, you are not in Wonderland._  
 _I've heard the strange madness long growing in your soul._  
 _But you are fortunate in your ignorance, in your isolation._  
 _You who have suffered, find where love hides._  
 _Give, share, lose_   
_Lest we die, un-bloomed."_

* * *

**Three Years Ago** **** ****

Yang Jungwon was the best friend ever.

He always went along with whatever absurd ideas Jay was coming up with (within reason), though Jay thought that this probably qualified as one of his finer ones.

Well. To give credit where it was due, it had actually been Jungwon who had seen the flyer first and pointed it out to him. They would debate for years afterwards in their longest ongoing argument, exactly who it was that lead them to the fateful encounter that day.

But it was Jungwon who found the flyer, and on the flyer was an invitation to the club’s first meeting, listing the time and address. Jay immediately was determined to join, and whatever Jay was determined to do, Jungwon went along with.

So here they stood, at the entrance of the dance studio that they passed by every morning on their way to school, finally about to enter for the first time. Jay liked to consider himself a bold and fearless person, but he found himself shaking, and they hadn’t even stepped through the door yet.

He felt his hand being squeezed and he looked up to see Jungwon smiling at him.

“If you’re worrying about whether you’re good enough, stop it. You know that you are, or else you wouldn’t be here. And I know that you are, otherwise I wouldn’t have come with you here.”

Was there a better friend in the world than Yang Jungwon?

They entered the building, ready to ask for directions, but some thorough individual had pinned up signs along the walls with neon arrows directing them to the appropriate room.

**_Here for dance club? This way!!_ ** ****

“How ostentatious,” Jay muttered, squinting at the signs. From what information he had gathered, the club wasn’t affiliated to their school in any way. “Why does this have student council energy?”

The signs lead them up the stairs, which Jay was not happy about. “This room is on the highest floor,” he said. “And there is a perfectly good elevator right there.”

Jungwon informed him that it was a bit ironic to complain about having to exert himself to climb some stairs when he was on his way to join a dance club.

This perfectly reasonable argument did not stop Jay from marching over and pressing the elevator button.

It was out of order. So up the stairs they went.

When they entered the room, it appeared they were the first ones there aside from one other boy. He wore a purple baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes. It completely concealed his face as he looked down at the iPad in his hands.

Jay was wondering why in the hell this kid had brought an iPad knowing he was going to be dancing, when the boy looked up, and he came face to face with Lee Heeseung.

Now, he didn't really know Heeseung, but he knew _of_ him. Everyone who had eyes and ears knew of Heeseung, the most popular senior at their school. He seemed to always have a group of people trailing behind him wherever he went.

When he thought about it, he had never really seen Heeseung with a permanent friend group, unless you counted his horde of followers, which he didn’t. The only person Jay could really associate him with was that smiling faced boy who stuck to his side like glue and always had his nose buried in a book.

He himself rarely had the occasion to talk to Heeseung personally, but they sometimes nodded at each other in the hallways. That was the extent of their interactions however.

"I know you," Jay blurted. "Aren't you the class president?"

"Yes, I am."

_Student council energy,_ Jay realized. _I should be a detective._

"What are you doing here?" He was used to seeing the boy in neatly pressed slacks, a sweater vest and a tie. To see the school’s sweetheart dressed down in baggy sweatpants and a threadbare knitted pullover was blowing Jay’s mind a little bit. He struggled to connect the image of Heeseung he had in his head to the one before him.

The class president raised an eyebrow in amusement. "I'm the club president."

Jay started choking on his spit and Jungwon shot him a look that said _please don't embarrass me._ Heeseung turned to Jungwon, who was trying to shrink backwards.

"Did you two come together?"

"I have never seen this person before today," was the reply.

Yang Jungwon was the worst friend ever.

⥇

Several more people started trickling in, and judging by the number of starry eyed girls peeking at Heeseung from behind their hands with smothered giggles, Jay wondered how many of these people actually had come to dance.

He needn't have concerned himself though, because it soon became very clear that Heeseung had a method of weeding out his admirers.

"Auditions?! I thought this was a club, not a competition," someone complained.

"It _is_ a club, and membership is by audition," Heeseung said. He looked a little awkward in the face of confrontation, and Jay stepped in.

"If there's a problem, the door is that way." He made a show of pointing. The girl just glared at him, took her friend by the arm, and left. Heeseung shot him what he thought might've been a grateful look.

"Okay, well if everyone is ready-"

"I'm here! I'm here," a voice interrupted. A boy burst into the room, his hair matted with sweat. His eyes darted around the room until they landed on Heeseung, and he brightened.

"Jake," Heeseung nodded at him.

"Sorry I'm late," the boy called Jake panted, "I got lost."

Jay recognized him too, he realized. He was on their school's soccer team, and while Jay had never been to a game, Jake, like Heeseung, was popular enough that Jay knew who he was. Another face he hadn't expected to see here.

The way the auditions worked was Heeseung first lead them through a simple choreography, then watched them each dance individually. The steps were basic enough that it was obvious the auditions were only meant to ensure that they had some semblance of coordination.

But as Jay watched the posers stumbling around hopelessly, he deduced that having your head filled with fantasies about a boy who would never notice you probably left no room for any sense of rhythm to be had.

When it was Jungwon's turn, Jay's jaw dropped. The dance was simple sure, with little opportunity for showing off, but the way Jungwon moved was something else.

He took command of the floor, twisting and turning effortlessly as the choreography suddenly took on shapes that hadn’t been there originally. Jay was mesmerized.

"How did I have no idea you could dance?" he hissed, after the boy returned to his seat next to him. 

"You're very good," Heeseung agreed.

"I didn't know either," Jungwon mumbled shyly. "I only came for you, remember?" Jay stuttered as he continued to stare at his friend in amazement. What couldn't he do?

"I thought you just met him today," Heeseung said with a smirk, and the moment was broken.

By the time they finished auditions, only four of them remained. Most of the stragglers had left on their own, ultimately deciding that there were less sweaty, less energy-consuming ways to get closer to the infamous class president. 

"Well," Jake said. "This is a smaller bunch than I expected."

"The smaller the group, the stronger the bond," Jay remarked. "And I am in the market for new friends, now that my Jungwon has forsaken me."

Jake was right, there were hardly enough people here to be considered a club, but Jay at least had the good sense to admit that those who were present were very, very good. If he could say so about himself, of course.

"There's actually one more person," Heeseung said. "You'll see my friend Sunoo hanging around here a lot, though he mostly likes to watch."

_Must be the smiley bookworm_ , Jay thought.

After taking a vote on which days of the week would work best for all of them to meet, they were free to go.

Jay giddily jogged all the way down the stairs without complaint and if it were possible, looked at Jungwon with a degree more admiration than he had before. 

⥇

"Get down from there you idiot, you're gonna fall."

It was after their third meeting that Jungwon discovered the roof. They were ready to head home, covered in sweat and exhausted from the day's practice. The elevator seemed perfectly content in its retirement, so Jay started down the staircase, taking two steps at a time. He was eager for a nice cool shower, and some of his mother's cookies.

"Hyung, wait." Jungwon grabbed his hand. He pointed at the flight of stairs above them. "We're on the top floor. What's up there?"

"The roof, genius. Let's go home," he said impatiently. But Jungwon stalled, his fingers smoothing over the bulge in his backpack where his camera was always stashed. "I bet the view is nice," he said longingly. Jay sighed. The things he did for this boy.

He grabbed a fistful of Jungwon's hoodie and used it to mop at the sweat on his brow. The boy shrieked and twisted out of his grasp. "Lead the way, Garden."

That was how Jay found himself climbing onto the ledge of a six story building and surveying the landscape around him. Jungwon was right, the view wasn't something to scoff at. He felt tall from here on his perch, bigger than life. The breeze whipped around his clothes, wicking the clammy moisture from his body that he had been so desperate to get off.

He raised his face to the sun, feeling its contrasting warmth. When he turned back around to face Jungwon, the boy was already staring at him.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," he said teasingly. And Jungwon did. He raised his camera up to his eye, pointed it at Jay and snapped a photo. Jay winced at the flash, blinking away the spots that swam into his vision.

"Done," Jungwon said. "Now step down before I have to shovel your brains from the sidewalk. Though I doubt there’s much of it for me to clean up.” 

"I am as graceful as a bird, Wonie. I'm not gonna fall unless I want to."

Jungwon scoffed. "Why would you want to fall?"

Jay looked at him with a twinge in his heart. _Nobody wants to fall,_ he thought. _But you make it so easy to slip._

For the sake of Jungwon's blood pressure, he climbed down from the ledge obediently.

"Come take a look," Jay said, gesturing him forward. Jungwon came closer, but didn't risk climbing up where Jay had been. He cast an appraising look around them, sweeping over the skyline. He whistled.

Jay snuck up and grabbed him from behind and pretended to fling him over.

Jungwon grappled at his arms frantically. "I'm going to kill you," he squealed. His heart was in his throat over how precariously close they were to the edge. He trusted Jay with his life, and he knew the boy wouldn't drop him, but still.

Jungwon couldn't help but look down. The first thing he noticed was the height. But when he looked closer, he frowned. He stepped out of Jay's grasp easily, scooping up his backpack as he made for the stairs in a hasty exit. "Gotta go, I'll see you tomorrow!"

Jay's jaw dropped. Had he scared Jungwon that badly? But the boy didn't look angry, only distracted and in a hurry. "Where are you going?" he yelled after him. "You're the one who dragged me here!"

"I just need to check something out," Jungwon replied, and then he disappeared down the stairs. Jay frowned and looked down at the sidewalk below them, where he had noticed Jungwon's gaze lingering before darting off so suddenly.

He didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Just regular old people living their regular old lives. People who had nothing to do with Jay held no interest to him. He turned. Then nearly reeled right back over the edge of the roof.

There was a boy sitting against the wall on the opposite side of the building, far enough that Jay had somehow completely gone unaware of his existence until now. But he was close enough that Jay could see he was reading a book, a clunky volume that sat awkwardly in his small hands. Struck by curiosity, Jay ambled over.

"I'm pretty sure that this is dancing club, not reading club," he said. "Unless the roof is designated for something else and I wasn't made aware." The boy looked up at him with a glare, not happy with being interrupted. Jay squinted to read the title of his book. "Top 100 survival tips?" He snorted.

The boy raised an eyebrow at him. "Would you like to hear some?" When Jay didn't object, he continued. "The first thing to do if you're bitten by a wild animal is to tie a tournequet above the wounded area to restrict blood flow to the rest of the body. If you find yourself in a sinking car, don't go for the door. Your best bet would be to break open the window with a blunt object-"

"Okay, I get it!" Jay blurted. The boy looked quite pleased with himself, either for having imparted such valuable knowledge, or for managing to annoy Jay. "You couldn't have picked anything more interesting?"

"What could be more interesting than knowing how to survive?" The boy challenged. Underneath his demure appearance, Jay saw glimmers of mischief peeking through. He couldn't help but be intrigued.

"Uh, I don't know, living in the moment?"

The boy looked at Jay sourly, and then, as if remembering himself, put on a sweet smile. "Moments are fleeting. Death is forever."

"Boring," said Jay. "There's too much room for error in life for anything to be permanent." The boy considered him carefully, and then his too-perfect smile morphed into a real, genuine grin. Jay wondered if this boy knew that his real smile was infinitely more dazzling than his practiced one. He decided that this boy who had nothing to do with him was of some interest after all.

"Kim Sunoo."

"Park Jongseong," he replied.

"Well Jongseong," Sunoo said slyly. "I'll live in the moment with you, and we'll see if you're right. And if you're wrong, I'll see you on the other side."

\---

**The Ground**

"Vacation's over. Back to work," Jay sighed, as the quartet filed back into the Ground.

They had spent the night on the mountain after wishing on those stars that had given them no reply. And when the sun rose again, so did they, and it was time to go home. None of them knew just when they had started calling it that, but that was what it had become.

"Back to sleep for you, more like," Sunoo said with a cheeky grin. Jay whirled on Sunghoon.

"You," he said, jabbing a finger at him accusingly. "You've rubbed off on him."

"Is it so hard to believe that you invite mockery all on your own?"

"I can't believe this," he continued, shaking his head. "Not my sweet Sunoo."

"Don't wear yourself out too much this time Jay," Sunghoon warned. "No matter how badly you want to help. Your sweet Sunoo suggested this trip to give you a chance to relax, but we can't abandon work after every job."

"Jay hyung is too selfless," Sunoo pouted.

"Yah," Jay scowled. "Weren't you just implying that I'm lazy a second ago?"

"I never implied such a thing,” Sunoo said innocently. "I only implied that you swoon at the drop of a hat like a maiden in distress."

"A maiden-" Jay spluttered. "Do you have any idea of the kind of work I do?"

"Yes, hence the selfless part."

"A selfless maiden," Sunghoon amended. Jay threw up his hands in despair and stalked over to his desk.

"Is it selflessness or is it stupidity?" Heeseung wondered aloud.

"Yes, well, you can debate about it while I'm gone," said Jay. He counted the hefty stack of name cards that had piled up and moaned.

"Have fun with that, you two," Sunoo chirped and skipped off to his room. Sunghoon's eyes trailed after him. He looked strangely disappoined. Sunoo hadn't offered to come with him, Jay realized.

"Oi," he said, snapping his fingers to grab Sunghoon's attention. He divied up the pile of cases and tossed half the envelopes over to his partner. The stack scattered in the air, papers flying this way and that, and Sunghoon scowled as he darted about snatching them up.

"Just try and faint in my presence again," he told Jay sourly. "I'll let you hit the floor." Jay laughed good naturedly, and the other grim reaper left first.

The other remaining soul started making his way down the hall after Sunoo.

"Heeseung," Jay called out. The boy turned. "A word?"

⥇

"I thought I already told you to put it out of your mind, Jay."

"I can't just _put it out of my mind,_ " he cried. "This is killing me and eating me up inside. I feel like I'm betraying everyone just by staying silent. Do you have any idea what that's like?"

Heeseung looked at him grimly. "An inkling."

"Maybe you can be selfish and keep your little secrets when it comes to me and Sunghoon, but what about Sunoo?"

"Sunoo?"

"His impediment," Jay replied impatiently. "If you know how he died, why won't you just tell him?"

"What will happen if he doesn't resolve his impediment?"

"Who knows," Jay said tiredly. "Maybe he'll end up like us, stuck here forever. He'll never reach the afterlife. That's the most likely outcome. Is that what you want for him?"

Jay thought for a moment he'd gotten through to Heeseung, but the boy just sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"Doesn't matter?" Jay's eyes went wide. "I thought you cared for him."

"I _do_ , Jay.” Heeseung ran a hand through his hair frustratedly. “I care for all of you. That’s why I'm telling you now— the Ground, the afterlife, the freaking moon— it doesn’t matter where we end up."

Jay clenched his jaw in anger and breathed slowly through his nose to calm himself.

"I don't know who you think you are to decide that for us, but you're going to explain it to me when I get back, whether you want to or not."

He opened his mouth to protest but Jay didn't let him speak. "No, I don't want to hear it. Whatever it is, however bad it is-- the one thing I know is that you were my friend, and I won't let a friend shoulder a burden alone."

Heeseung did not look touched. “Don't get all altruistic on me just because Sunoo sang your praises. This isn't selflesness, it's stupidity. No debate needed,” he said curtly.

Jay just scoffed at him. “I have to go to work now. And don't bother coming with me. The last thing you're in need of is a memory trigger,” he intoned bitterly. He grabbed his stack of name cards and all but ran into the egg, as if to escape any further rebuttals.

"Jongseong-ah!!" Heeseung called out as the egg started to turn. Jay pretended to ignore him but met his eye just as the doorway disappeared from sight.He sighed wistfully. "You were the one who shouldered the burden alone."

But Jay was already gone.

⥇

Jay gritted his teeth, breathing in deeply as he tried to find his balance again. He blinked away the vertigo. If he passed out again Sunghoon would kill him, Heeseung would lecture him, and Sunoo would probably laugh at him- after he was finished wringing his hands worriedly over Jay's unconscious body, because he was nice like that.

He rubbed his aching chest. It wasn't the worst case he had ever dealt with, but he was still stressed and on edge from his conversation with Heeseung. Whatever negative energy he had absorbed from the soul was only serving to amplify his own.

"Excuse me."

Jay whirled around, but there was no one there. An eerie feeling crept over him, which was not aided by the fact that he was currently standing in a graveyard. He hated when jobs lead him here.

"Hello?" He called out warily.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder from behind and he jumped out of his skin. If he were alive, his soul would have left his body just then. But since he no longer had a body, his soul just emmitted an embarrassingly high pitched shriek and whipped around to face a girl of no more than thirteen.

She stood there smirking at him, completely unruffled.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"Sorry," the girl said unapologetically. "I didn't think I'd ever see a grim reaper who was afraid of ghosts."

"I'm not af-" Jay frowned and squinted down at his stack of cases. "I don't have you on any name card." He had gotten through most of his workload for today, and the few souls he had left were all male.

"No, you wouldn't," she said in an almost taunting manner, and Jay could have sworn she reminded him of someone, but of course he couldn't pinpoint who.

"Have you been following me?" He asked suspiciously. The girl suddenly turned serious.

"I had to make sure you could really do it," she said solemnly.

"Do what?" The more he stared into her eyes, the more he felt like he knew her. She ignored him and reached out with her hand, as if to beckon him over.

"I need your help."

\---

**I-Land: June**

After reading the entirety of Jay’s letters, there were five things Jungwon had deduced.

1\. Jungwon died every single time.

2\. Sunghoon was always killed by an unidentified armed man.

3\. Sunoo always ended up in a coma.

4\. Jake was always involved in a car accident.

5\. Niki and Heeseung were safe.

Then there were the things he didn’t know. He didn’t know what it was that Jay had discovered that day on the morning of his birthday, that lead him to choose to die. And he didn’t know why the job of saving them all had been passed on to him, or how he would even accomplish it.

There were only three of them left. He had waited too long, and had failed already. Everything would reset eventually, or at least he hoped it still would even with Jay gone, but what was he to do in the mean time?

Jungwon considered himself a good problem solver. He liked to think he was adept at coming up with strategies. But there’s no strategy to a game without rules. And what do you do when the game is already lost?

Throw the match. Plan for the next round.

So Jungwon poured over the letters, rereading them countless times and jotting down notes. If he had possessed a corkboard, he would have pinned up all the different events that Jay chronicled and connected the clues with a web of red string, just like they did in the crime dramas.

But he didn't have a corkboard, or red string for that matter, so he settled for a ratty old composition notebook he'd found in his backpack and got to solving.

That first time he had finished reading through all of the letters, he'd made a silent vow to himself and to his friends. The endless cycle would end with him. The next time would be the last. He just had to tackle one problem at a time.

The first victim in every timeline was Sunghoon, so he started there. He made note of every variation, analyzed every headline and newspaper clipping Jay had meticulously copied down. When he was done, he looked down at his notes and frowned. Then he called Heeseung.

"The robbery at the store that day," Jungwon said in place of hello. "What was stolen?"

If Heeseung was put off or confused by his blunt introduction, he didn't show it. "Nothing was stolen. It was assumed he heard the police coming and fled the scene without taking anything."

The gears in Jungwon's head were turning. "Some guy shows up in a robbery attempt, goes as far as to kill someone, and doesn't even grab their wallet?"

There was a brief period of silence from Heeseung as he considered this. "Sunoo did mention one thing," he said. "He told me he had his wallet out when the shooter came in. He could've just taken it if he wanted it," Heeseung mused.

"Hyung, I don't think he was there to steal anything." Jungwon flipped to a page in his notebook where he'd copied down a headline from one of the timelines. "It didn't always happen that way."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, in some versions Sunghoon and Sunoo were never in that store at all." ****

"Say it clearly Yang Jungwon," Heeseung said impatiently.

"We thought it was a simple robbery, because that's all we knew. But," Jungwon scanned his notes one more time, affirming his theory, "the perpetrator never steals anything. And he always leaves just one victim."

"So?"

"So," Jungwon said, staring down at the headline.

**Rising figure skating star, Park Sunghoon, shot dead in home invasion.**

"Someone has a personal grudge against Sunghoon. And he's still out there."

**\---**

**The Ground**

Heeseung took one look at him and knew. "You absorbed too much again," he said accusingly.

He had just gotten back, and Jay wasn't in the mood for another lecture. For the first time, he let his playful demeanor drop and hardened his voice into stone.

"Tell me now."

His mouth was set in a straight line and none of the usual laughter danced around his eyes. For once, Heeseung observed that between the pair of them, Jay was the more unreadable of the two. He had been determined to pry answers from Heeseung before, but he still went about it in a nagging, Jay-like fashion.

Jay was no longer nagging. He was demanding. Heeseung wondered just how much his work had taken out of him today to leave him in such a state where he was barely recognizable as his usual care-free self.

"What happened?" Heeseung asked. The answer was obvious, given that Jay had just returned from a job and his body was slumped with weariness. But there was something there that hinted at something beyond his usual level of exhaustion.

"Why should I tell you, when you insist on keeping everything to yourself?" Jay said harshly. Heeseung felt a flicker of frustration run through him. He was like a broken record, having to repeat the same excuses again and again.

"I'm doing it for your sake--“

"Is it for my sake? Or for yours?"

Heeseung opened and closed his mouth, not knowing what to say to that. Because Jay was almost spot on with that really, and the answer was both. There were things he was keeping hidden away because they were painful to know, and it had been such a relief that in their memory loss, his friends had forgotten all that pain.

But he couldn't deny that there was a second, more selfish reason. If he told them, he would have to tell them everything eventually. He would no longer be able to hide under the guise of amnesia. 

"I can take it Heeseung," Jay said heavily. "Please."

He didn't know what he was asking for. Still, Heeseung could only deny him for so long. He let out a loud measured breath, then grabbed Jay by the arm and began heading towards the egg. "Fine, let's go." He pushed Jay into the doorway, stepping in behind him, and thought of his destination.

"What are we-"

"You asked me to tell you, didn't you?" Heeseung was resigned. "I'll do you one better. I'll show you."

When the egg stopped turning, Jay stepped out dazedly, looking around. For a moment, all he saw was the sky and the tops of buildings, and then he realized he was on the roof of one himself.

"Where are we?"

"This is where you died. You died because you got tired of watching the rest of us die."

"Tired?"

"There's only so many times someone can witness the same thing repeat itself without going mad."

"What are you talking about?" Jay demanded impatiently.

Something in Heeseung snapped. "You _really_ want to know? The truth is Jay, is that it doesn't matter whether I hide the truth or not. You think I'm preventing Sunoo or even the two of you from moving on?" He laughed. "You never even stood a chance."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Jay repeated, but the words held none of that fierce energy he had just been exhibiting moments ago. The anger had drained from his face, and he was back to the Jay that Heeseung knew. Confused. Lost. Innocent. Tired.

This was why he hadn’t wanted to tell him. But Jay had insisted, and once Jay started insisting on something, he wouldn’t let up until he got what he was after.

"Every soul has an impediment on their name card, Jay.” Heeseung raised his voice in desperation, willing him to understand. “Every soul has the chance to resolve it, and break free from the Ground. You think the four of us just died and showed up here without one for no reason whatsoever? Death may have sent us here, but it withheld the key we need to unlock the gate. Because it's not done with us yet."

"Shut up," Jay whispered. "You're not making sense."

"It makes perfect sense," Heeseung snapped. "You just don't want to hear it, no matter how much you begged me to tell you. Let's say there is a way. Let's say if everyone regains their memories and finds closure, the egg opens up and you all get to step into the light. It won't make a damn difference."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because it's not our final destination. You can chase after that light for the rest of eternity, but the real light you want-" Heeseung swept his arms in a circle around him- "is right here." Jay looked around, at the light beating down on them from the sun. They didn't get sun in the Ground. Just that light from the window, taunting them.

"It's out of both of our hands now. All we can do is play the waiting game, and trust we set the right pieces into motion."

_'Jungwon. What is taking so long?'_ Heeseung asked silently.

"Why don't you stop talking in riddles and actually tell me something useful?"

Heeseung stalked over to him. "Hey, what are you--" With his hands placed firmly on Jay's shoulders, he walked both of them backwards to the very edge, and with a shove, Jay was suddenly on the ledge. He turned around slowly.

He looked down at the street below him. Nothing seemed abnormal at first. Just people walking around, living their lives. People who were of no consequence to Jay. Then his eyes landed on their mark and suddenly his head was split open.

He knew what was happening, but it was too too much, all at once, and as everything came flooding into his head without restraint he realized that maybe he should have listened to Heeseung and continued to live in blissful ignorance.

The memories played out in his head like a choppy film reel, the scenes jumping back and forth in a nonsensical order.

He saw those two people again, the people he had seen in his dream back on the mountain. Their names came to him, floating back like they had never left. _Jungwon. Niki._ Why were they looking at him? What was he doing here?

Responsibility. Too much responsibility. He had failed. He tipped forward.

_Would you stay by my side forever?_

A screech of tires. Red tulips. Rain soaked earth.

_My garden,_

Another flash of images assaulted his brain. His hand ached with a phantom cramp. Ink stained his fingers. He arranged letter after letter in neat rows in an old shoebox and shoved it into the back of his closet.

Knocking on an unfamiliar door. The unbearable stench of grief. The feeling of having the answer within your grasp, only for it to slip away in mere seconds.

He climbed up the staircase. Stepped out onto the roof.

_I'm not going to fall unless I want to._

He would fly, now. He entrusted everything to Jungwon, and now he would get to rest. But when he leaned forward, it was those two pairs of eyes staring up at him. They weren't supposed to be there. Jungwon wasn't supposed to be there.

He tried to step back, regain his balance but it was too late. He was falling forward, hurtling towards that sidewalk where inconsequential people went about their inconsequential lives, and Jay’s path was finally going to collide with theirs.

_I'm sorry, Garden,_ he thought, and then he was waking up with black walls caging him in on all sides with no idea where or who he was.

As quickly as it had started, everything abruptly came to a halt. He realized he had stumbled backwards from the ledge at some point and was on his knees, with Heeseung at his side.

Jay leapt to his feet and swung at him blindly, and Heeseung quickly side stepped. He wasn't aiming to land, but he just needed to lash out and _do_ something.

Because Jay remembered. He remembered everything, and having that knowledge of who he was was a weight lifted off his chest and the weight of the world crushing his shoulders at the same time.

Wasn’t that what his hopeless situation had been? The weight of the world on his shoulders?

“Why?” he cried out brokenly. “Why me? Why was it my responsibility? Why can’t someone save _me_ for once?”

Despite his words, Heeseung knew he wasn’t really upset about being their protector. It was a role he had appointed himself time and time again, after all. No, Jay was angry because he had failed.

Heeseung swallowed. "Was it selfish of me?" He asked softly. "Was it selfish to want to keep this from you, keep this from the rest of them? Knowing that when the time comes we'll wake up in day one again, is it wrong to want them to live in sweet ignorance for a while?" Jay wept quietly.

"If Jungwon is able to reset the timeline again, the road ahead will be difficult and full of suffering. You know that better than anyone," Heeseung sighed. "We should take advantage of this short reprieve while we can."

“Jungwon," Jay mumbled. "I can't believe I pushed it onto him... Why couldn’t I do it?” he said weakly, looking at Heeseung with an empty gaze. He swayed slightly, and Heeseung had just enough time to step forward and catch him before he hit the floor.

"Because you were alone, Jay. Nobody knew what you were dealing with."

Alone. Nobody knew. He failed because he had been alone.

_He had been alone._

Something dawned on Jay then, and he stared up at Heeseung in wonder, like he was having an epiphany.

"Niki," he muttered. He spoke the name with a grand sense of revelation, as if it were the answer to the meaning of life itself. 

"What?"

"It's Niki," Jay said, and then his eyes fluttered shut and he was asleep.

⥇

Jay knew something he didn't. Sunghoon never would have thought that such a thing was possible, except Heeseung was in on it too and he would catch them exchanging whispers and casting furtive glances around to make sure they weren't being listened in on.

Sunghoon couldn’t fathom what could possibly be so interesting that it needed to be kept a secret from the rest of them, but he found that he didn't much care. He wasn’t one to bother himself with other people’s affairs.

Jay knew something he didn't though. Now Sunghoon felt the need to compensate by knowing something _Jay_ didn't, so that the world may right itself again and the balance of nature could be restored.

At least that was the excuse he gave himself when he knocked on the door of his old room after the day's work was finished and asked Sunoo to try a memory viewing again. He didn’t have to feign interest— he really was curious to see if it would continue to work. It was just that he was perhaps a tad more curious about what it would feel like to hold Sunoo's hand again.

Sunoo didn't need excuses though, always happy to be helpful whenever the opportunity presented itself. He hadn’t accompanied Sunghoon out today and he seemed to feel the need to make up for it somehow, even though Sunghoon had never asked him to assist him in the first place.

It was Jay who had thrust Sunoo upon him that first day. He didn't know why Sunoo was avoiding it now; the whole point of Jay's plan was to help Sunoo find his impediment. Sunghoon reasoned that maybe Sunoo was still trying to find a way to use his ability to view his own memories, and wanted to focus his time and energy on that venture instead. It wasn’t something he could blame the soul for.

But when he had been at work today he found himself more awkward and silent than usual. In such a short period of time, he had already come to rely on Sunoo’s presence, his soft words and comforting smile putting both the souls they encountered, as well as Sunghoon at ease.

More than once, he found himself turning to the side to look at Sunoo- not to say anything, just to look— only to remember that he had stayed behind. Sunghoon wondered what was wrong with him. He was used to being on his own. He liked it, preferred it even.

And then he finally put a name to what he was feeling, which had taken a while because he had never felt it before.

He was lonely.

And that was really why he had sought Sunoo out immediately after returning to the Ground. Not because he thought there was any point for him to remember anything, not because he wanted to get a leg up on Jay and Heeseung’s sneaky behavior. It was because he was lonely.

But he couldn’t just stroll up to Sunoo and tell him that. That would be ridiculous. He had a reputation to upkeep, after all. So he made a request instead.

"Of course I'll try again," Sunoo exclaimed, ushering him in. "Please, take a seat," as if the room was Sunoo's office and Sunghoon was a patient merely there by appointment. He couldn't help but smile, and obediently sat down on the mattress.

He felt better now that he knew that Sunoo hadn't been sleeping against the wall because he felt obligated to, or because he was repelled by Sunghoon in some way. It had been a relief to find out that he still slept the same way even with Heeseung as his roommate. He told himself the relief he felt was purely because he wanted Sunoo to be comfortable, and not because the idea of Sunoo sharing a bed with someone else made his skin itch.

"So," Sunoo said. "Are there any other upsetting memories I could potentially stumble onto this time?" He was clearly nervous after how their last session had went, but Sunghoon was slightly hopeful that this time Sunoo would actually see something that Sunghoon _didn't_ remember.

"Not that I know of," he answered truthfully. "I mean, Jay did roll over and smack me in the face last night, which was particularly upsetting."

It was upsetting, not because it had hurt, but because it was a rude reminder that Sunoo was no longer the one beside him. When it came to Jay, Sunghoon had no qualms about propping the soul up against the far wall and leaving him there to sleep. He considered the possibility for later that night.

"I'll try my best not to relive that moment then," Sunoo said in mock seriousness. He carefully took Sunghoon's hand in his, and he only had a brief moment to enjoy it before his mind went blissfully blank. At first he thought it was just the effect of having Sunoo's fingers entwined with his own, but then he realized that the room around him was fading.

The black in the walls bled away like paint dripping down a canvas, and the floor beneath him elongated into an endless expanse of white. On his exhale, a puff of mist left his mouth into the suddenly chill air. Looking down, his feet were sheathed in blades. He heard the sound of a cheer erupt from somewhere behind him as he suddenly shot into the air, his legs locked together. He spun once, twice, three times, before he belatedly realized that he must be in a memory.

And he was _flying_.

\---

**I-Land: May** ****

Ever since they were children, Heeseung saw Sunoo as the most courageous person he knew. Courageous in the sense that he exhuded confidence, and a stubborn unwillingness to be anything other than his authentic self.

However, as the years passed by, he started putting up walls around himself, and though Heeseung was close enough to be on the inside of that fortress, he could see that the brave Sunoo he knew had grown very, very afraid.

If there was one thing Sunoo was afraid of the most, it was water. He hadn't been afraid of it when Heeseung had met him, until one day he was. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to swim. He could swim perfectly fine, quite well, actually.

Because of this, Heeseung thought that it was quite an irrational fear to have, but then what phobia wasn't irrational? But then he realized that it wasn't the water Sunoo was afraid of. It was being underwater.

"You can't breathe when you're underwater," he had explained. "My mother can't breathe anymore because she's sick, and I don't want to be sick like her."

It was a strange connection to make. But Sunoo had been so young, and so frightened, and children who are frightened come to outlandish conclusions that stick with them for the rest of their life.

Heeseung should have known really, when he found out what happened to Sunoo and Sunghoon in the store that day. He should have known that Sunoo would blame himself: for asking Sunghoon to come with him in the first place, for freezing up, for not reacting in time. For being afraid.

Sunoo thought that Sunghoon died because he had been too afraid, and Heeseung should have known Sunoo well enough to know that he would deal with his grief through punishing himself, by facing the one thing he feared the most.

When Heeseung woke up that night to find the bed cold beside him, and no Sunoo sleeping against the wall or anywhere else in the apartment, he panicked.

It was storming outside, the summer rain coming down heavy and hard. And Sunoo was out there somewhere. Heeseung scrambled for his phone, and Sunoo picked up on the first ring.

"Hyung?"

"Where the hell are you? Where did you go?"

"Don't worry, I'm just at the beach," Sunoo said, raising his voice so that it would carry over the roaring of the wind. "I'm walking— jetty... Back— soon." Heeseung cursed as the connection cut out. He checked Sunoo's location to verify that he really was at the beach, then grabbed his coat and headed out into the storm.

Heeseung parked haphazardly on the side of the road and sprinted out of his car towards the shore. He could see the jetty from where he was, and his heart sank to see that it wasn't the wooden kind made out of flat sturdy planks.

This jetty was made out of boulders roughly stacked on top of each other to form a long strip that stretched out into the tossing waves. The water around it churned angrily, slapping against the sides of the rock like it was trying to wash away its existence.

This jetty was not meant for walking on, not even if you had the greatest balance in the world. And Sunoo was extremely prone to slipping. The stone was pitch black and slick with rain, and there was not a soul in sight.

Heeseung's body moved without his command, and the next thing he knew he was being tossed around in icy cold water and his eyes stung with salt. He swam along the length of the jetty desperately searching. It was late at night and so even with his eyes wide open it was pitch black underneath the surface, and he should never have been able to find Sunoo at all.

But through some divine force, his hands snagged on the thick material of a drenched hoodie, and he pulled the both of them up for air, gasping and spluttering.

Sunoo was limp in his hands and Heeseung didn't want to think about how long he had been under there, how long he had gone without oxygen. He didn't want to think of how Sunoo must have felt as his worst fear came true, finding himself unable to draw air into his lungs.

He paddled them desperately to shore, laying Sunoo down in the sand. His eyes were closed, and he looked like he was peacefully sleeping, but he did not stir.

Heeseung spared no time starting chest compressions. Any moment now, the sea water would come bubbling up from Sunoo's lips so he could start breathing again, and they would both go home. But nothing happened.

With frozen fingers, he scrambled to pull his phone from the coat that he had tossed onto the sand before leaping into the water, and dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Heeseung opened his mouth but all that came out was a gurgle, and he realized that the rain had stopped but a fresh wave of salt water was streaming down his face.

The phone operator repeated the question, and Heeseung rattled off their location in a shaking breath.

As he waited, furiously pumping away at Sunoo's chest, a strange wave of calm acceptance overtook him. Maybe he was in shock. Or maybe something in him knew that even if they got here in time, there was no use.

And he was right.

They somehow got his heart beating again, and then hooked him up to machines and tubes to keep it that way. He had been submerged for too long, they said, and the lack of oxygen to his brain had caused irreperable damage.

They were vague about whether Sunoo would wake up or not, but it didn't matter because Heeseung already knew enough. He knew, because Sunoo had told him. His little prince was in a deep deep sleep, and his body was now nothing more than a shell.


	9. Not with a Bang but a Whimper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I went from updating once a month to twice a week we love that for me

_“This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
This is the way the world ends  
Not with a bang but a whimper."_

* * *

There was only one love story that Niki had grown up hearing about, one that he knew better than the back of his hand. He hadn’t grown up with bedtime stories like Sunoo had; his father was a practical man to a fault, and didn’t believe in telling fairytales even for the sake of his children’s entertainment. There was a time though, when he had believed in love.

It was the story of a young pianist who met the love of his life at the music conservatory, a beautiful harpist who had the ability to weave melodies between her fingers like spun gold.

They fell in love and got married, and soon after they give birth to twins, a boy and a girl. When the woman first heard the cries of her newborn children she turned to her husband and said it sounded like music to her ears, and then died.

The man, now a single father, continued to raise his children well, and although he struggled and had a temper that was born from grief and trauma, he kept the memory of his wife alive in his children through music.

It became his passion and purpose in life, to instill in them that same love that had lit up his lover’s eyes, and although his son enjoyed to play the piano very much, his strict teachings and overbearingness drove his daughter’s passion to hatred.

The son was talented for sure, but the daughter was something of a prodigy, and reminded him so much of his wife. As a result, he was much harder on her and one day in a fit of frustration she announced that she wanted to quit.

She didn’t, not really. The weight of expectation and having to live up to an image of a woman he still grieved over a decade later became too much, and the words left her mouth before she could stop them. The father grew angry and told her that if she hated it so much she could leave.

Now, people are used to the idea of children lashing out at their parents and throwing tantrums and saying things they don’t mean; but they forget that parents are human too. He was the type of man who, when clearheaded, only said exactly what he meant. And when clouded with anger, said everything he didn’t.

But in the heat of the moment, she really left, and she was gone all night, and her brother stayed up until the early hours of dawn waiting for her to come back.

Eventually she came creeping back in through the window of their shared room and her brother scolded her soundly, but the damage was already done.

In the morning, they found their father silently weeping in the kitchen, and then he got up and closed the lid of the piano with a loud _bang_ and threw a sheet over it, and they never spoke of the incident again.

The man grew hard and angry, and only spoke to his son to reprimand him, and didn’t speak to his daughter at all. Music vanished from the house, and what had once been a quietly happy family, became three people living together, all alone.

\---

**Three Years Ago** ****

Sunghoon gingerly rolled the skate covers over his blades, wincing at the aches in his arms and legs. He was closer than ever to perfecting his triple axel, but today he had failed to stick the landing twice, sending him careening across the ice in a mess of limbs. It was bearable. The ache would fade, but the pride when he finally got that jump just right would linger far longer than any bruises.

"I like your color." Sunghoon startled and looked up. A child, practically a toddler, was staring down at his skates. He looked around, but among all the stern eagle-eyed parents watching their children's practice from the bleachers, he couldn't pick out any that seemed to be watching her. He looked down at his shoes.

"Thank you," he said, unsure. She wasn't talking about the skates themselves of course.They were the traditional plain white that everyone else wore. His blade covers on the other hand, were a bright, crimson red. He personally found the color to be obnoxiously loud, but they had been a gift from Jake which automatically made them his favorite.

"Where are your parents?" He asked her.

He didn't know if she misunderstood his question, or if she truly didn't know either, because she just pointed to the ice. "My brother," she said. "I watch my brother."

Sunghoon was beginning to understand. He had frequented this rink for years, observed hundreds of practices, and he’d noticed some common trends.

This girl, who couldn't have been older than three, was going to be put onto the ice soon, made to follow in her brother’s footsteps. There were always children in the viewing area, usually younger siblings being forced to watch their brother or sister practice, in some sort of preparation for what was to come. _They could at least have the decency to look after her,_ he thought, still scanning the bleachers.

He felt eyes on him, just like he always did when he came here to practice. Bitter eyes full of jealousy, although Sunghoon was humble enough to wonder what they had to be jealous for. Maybe it had something to do with the streak of competitions he'd been winning lately, though he didn't see what that had to do with them. But parents would never hesitate at the chance to compare their children to others, and look down on anyone who dared to be better.

This girl's brother was one of those children apparently. She would one day be too. Sunghoon unlaced his boots and stowed them away in his duffel bag. He looked at the girl, then checked the time and sighed. He didn't want to leave her alone but he couldn't be late meeting Jake.

"Are you cold?" he asked. Her arms were covered thankfully, but only in a thin cotton cardigan, a flimsy thing that probably did nothing to shield against the biting air of the rink. She nodded. He shrugged off his padded coat and draped it over her shoulders. It hung heavily over her tiny frame, and looked more like a bed cover on her than a jacket, but at least she'd be warm.

He stood up to leave, then stopped. He glanced down at her one more time. Something compelled him to ask. "Do you want to be a skater?"

"I don't know," she replied.

Of course she didn't know. At that age, Sunghoon didn't know anything. He wasn't sure if he knew now either.

“What’s your name?” He asked her.

“Lina,” she said proudly, drawing the coat around herself like a cape. He paused, then looked at her closely. Now that he thought about it, she did have slightly foreign looking features, probably mixed. He scanned the rink for the boy she’d identified as her brother.

Just like all the other skaters who had attended today’s practice session, he wore a paper nametag taped to the back of his jacket. _Underhill_ , it read.

“Well, Lina Underhill,” he said, turning back to her. “I hope we meet again.”

⥇

When Sunghoon stepped off the bus, Jake was already waiting for him with his arms crossed over his chest. He tapped his foot exaggeratedly with an expectant look on his face.

"I know I'm late," Sunghoon sighed. Jake dropped the pose and laughed.

"I was late my first time too. Come on."

Just as Sunghoon had expected, he didn't know anybody there, and he had said as much to Jake the day before.

"Obviously you won't know anyone from a school you barely attend. All the more reason to join."

The club, if it could be called that, consisted of a small but odd assembly of people. There was Heeseung, who was apparently their class president, a loud boy named Jay who excelled in freestyling, and Jungwon, who constantly looked at Jay with what appeared to be a mix of exasperation and fondness. The more Sunghoon observed the pair, the more he thought it was probably a high level of both.

Heeseung's movements were smooth and measured, striking every beat with flawless precision. Jungwon danced like water, fluidly and naturally, like he was letting the music flow through him and take the reigns. Jay was a mixture of both, popping hard one moment, before dipping into a roll the next. As a performer himself, Sunghoon could tell from the way Jay moved that he was listening to his body, rather than the other way around.

Sunghoon's dancing was... Well, ice. The ice was all he had ever known, and though Jake had been a wonderful teacher the few times he'd coached Sunghoon through some hip hop choreo, he doubted he'd be on par with this group.

"I can spin," he told them lamely. For a moment they all stared at him, and Sunghoon braced himself to be laughed at, to be kicked out of the club and told to never return again.

"Jungwon bets you ten bucks he can spin more times in a row," said Jay. And just like that, the ice was broken.

A couple minutes and a whole lot of dizziness later, Jungwon was in a heap on the floor and Sunghoon was victorious. Jay laughed heartily and bent down to yank his friend up to his feet by the armpits.

"I didn't expect any less from the pro figure skater," Jay said with a smirk, sizing him up.

"You know who I am?" He asked with mild surprise. Jungwon snapped his head back and forth between the two of them, mouth open.

"Yah! You made a bet on my behalf, knowing I'd lose?"

"You'd do the very same for me, Garden.”

Jungwon flushed, but Sunghoon couldn't tell if it was because he was annoyed or flustered. Jay forked over the money he’d wagered and Sunghoon tried to protest, but Jungwon insisted spitefully that he had plenty of it to spare. Jay handed the boy a bill as well in apology for amusing himself at Jungwon’s expense.

"You go to our school," Heeseung noted calmly. Apparently Jungwon was the only one who'd been surprised by his identity. "I don't see you around."

"I do a lot of my studying independently these days," he answered. "Busy schedules and all that."

"It's true," Jake piped up. "He has no friends." Sunghoon shot him a glare, while Jay nodded sympathetically.

"You need people," he said seriously. "We'll be your people."

Sunghoon winced internally. He didn't need people. He had Jake, and one was more than enough. Any more than that would be a distraction. But isn't that what he had come here for? A distraction?

"If we're trying to advertise our group to him, I don't think we should lead with Jay," Jungwon remarked, noticing his grimace.

"Do you people ever have a single nice thing to say about me?" Jay grumbled. "I don't think Heeseung has complimented me once. Like, ever."

"What kind of compliment would you like to hear, Jongseong?" Heeseung asked indulgently.

"Oh, I wouldn't want you to strain yourself. Maybe something like: you're not a complete dumpster fire of a human being?”

"That's the thing you want to hear from me the most?"

"The bar is low."

"Well," Heeseung said, and shot a conspiratorial wink at Sunghoon, catching him off guard. "I'll make sure you never hear those words from me ever." Jungwon started wheezing while Jay stomped off in a huff.

Sunghoon felt a strangely warm feeling blooming somewhere deep in his chest. He wasn't used to feeling warm. The studio was warm unlike the rink, and there was no brisk air to cut into his skin. The looks shared between this small group of friends were warm, a huge contrast to the chilly stares he got at practice. He felt someone nudge his side and he turned to see Jake grinning at him. He reciprocated with a tentative smile.

"Oh," Jake said suddenly, his eyes widening. "You still haven't met Sunoo."

"Yeah, where's Sunoo?" Jay called out to Heeseung from his moping corner.

"He had some stuff to take care of at home," the president replied. He wasn't looking at any of them, instead busying himself by tapping away at an iPad he had procured out of nowhere. Sunghoon wondered if he was actually preoccupied with something, or if he was purposefully avoiding their eyes.

“What’s a Sunoo?” Sunghoon asked with a straight face.

"I'll bring him by your practice next week," Jake said, leaning in. "You can meet him then. If you want," he added.

Sunghoon did not want. That place was a different world from this one, and he wasn't intent on letting the two mix. But Jake was so eager to make him friends that he couldn't say no.

"Sure," he said with a tight smile. "Tell him to bring a jacket."

\---

Sunghoon's eyes flew open. He whipped his head back and forth but all he saw was four black walls and a wide eyed boy. He struggled to remember where, or _when_ he was. Sunoo stared at him. The hand that had been clutching his dangled at his side, the contact broken along with the memories.

Heeseung had been there. Jay had been there. Suddenly it was becoming clear what might have suddenly drawn the two closer and caused their secretive talks. And Sunoo. That boy called Jake had mentioned him, hadn't he? Could it really be his Sunoo?

"I- I lost focus for a second," Sunoo cleared his throat. "Let me try again." His forehead was creased. He too, was confused about how they were all connected, and what part he played in all this. Sunghoon only felt apprehension.

"Wait, Sunoo-" But the boy had already seized hold of the grim reaper's hand once more, and they both fell into darkness.

⥇

Sunghoon felt himself land back in time again. The air was cold, and the jacket he was wearing wasn't thick enough to prevent him from shivering. That was odd. He usually always wore his padded jacket to the rink.

"You should have warned me," he heard himself hiss to Jake, who was seated beside him. His voice sounded strange, much higher pitched than his usual baritone. Something wasn’t right.

"I did warn you," the boy replied with a shrug. "It's not my fault you're so delicate." Jake suddenly seized him by the arm. "Look, look! He's about to jump." Sunghoon directed his eyes towards the ice, where there was a single skater with his back turned to them. He was soaring across the rink, picking up momentum, before positioning himself to take off.

The toe pick of his skate dug into the ice as he launched himself upwards. As if in slow motion, he spun around midair and Sunghoon saw his face for the first time.

It was him. He was seeing himself.

He was in Sunoo's memories.

\---

The first time he saw Park Sunghoon, Sunoo thought he might be looking at a real-life prince. It wasn’t just his face, although his features were nothing to sniff at. It was the way he carried himself, the slope of his back as he glided across the ice, the bend of his knee before a jump, the graceful line of his extended arm on the landing.

“Beautiful,” he breathed. He heard a chuckle from beside him and whipped around, remembering that he had company. Jake smirked at him.

“I’m glad you agree,” he said jokingly. Sunoo whined, bringing his hands up to cover his now red face. He peered sideways between the cracks of his fingers at the skater, just as he finished a twirl.

Forgetting his shyness, he bounced up and down on his seat, tugging on Jake’s arm.

“I wanna learn how to do that,” he chattered excitedly. Jake informed him that his friend Sunghoon had been doing this since he was a child, and that it wasn’t something that could be mastered easily.

Sunoo pouted and looked at the ice prince, as he had immediately taken to calling him in his head. To his surprise, he found the boy’s eyes already trained on him even as he was still performing his routine, executing some fancy footwork. Sunoo’s lips parted. He was struck still by the boy’s stare, as if the eye contact had transformed him into ice as well. 

_Boom._

The skater’s foot collapsed beneath him, and in an instant he was flat on his back. Sunoo flinched out of pity. Luckily, it was just a practice session and not a competition, but it still looked painful and mortifying to faceplant on the ice like that.

The skater made his way towards them after collecting himself, stepping out of the rink and stopping in front of Sunoo and Jake. He only glanced at Sunoo for a fraction of a second before sliding his eyes over to Jake, looking at his friend expectantly.

“Ah Sunghoon, this is Sunoo, the one who wasn't at club last week! He’s friends with Heeseung hyung,” Jake said by way of introduction.

The ice prince— Sunghoon, glanced at Sunoo as if to confirm, and he nodded vigorously, a large smile stretching across his face.

Sunoo wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but Sunghoon’s eyes seem to narrow fractionally in disapproval at his grin. He reminded himself to tone it down in front of this boy he had just met.

Sunoo knew how to charm people. He'd never had a problem making acquaintances, and while there were only so many people he'd really call his true friends, he had no shortage of people who _liked_ him.

For some reason he had an incredibly strong desire for this Sunghoon boy to like him. He beamed from his cheeks in a way that he knew made his dimples stand out, and said "Nice to meet you," in his sweetest voice.

Sunghoon hesitated, before nodding curtly. Polite. But restrained.

Sunoo may have been starstruck in the moment but he was still a perceptive person, and he didn’t fail to notice that the ice prince didn’t really mean it when he replied, "You too.”

⥇

After more fruitless attempts, Sunoo decided that he didn’t need to have Park Sunghoon after all. He should have known better from the beginning than to almost break the promise he had made to himself. That he would love nobody the way he loved himself, would never lose his way and get lost in somebody else.

As soon as he reaffirmed this and stopped trying to force his way into Sunghoon’s good graces, the boy actually started warming up to him more. They still weren’t close, but instead of an intense aversion, Sunghoon was now relaxed and even friendly with him.

Soon enough, they had developed an easy friendship of lighthearted teasing and banter.

“Do you ever wear anything other than black?” Sunoo nagged him one day. “I swear whenever I see you, you look like you’re in mourning.”

“I am,” Sunghoon swiftly replied. “Mourning my peace and quiet.”

“Well I’m glad you two have gone from hating each other to just pretending to hate each other,” Jay observed with amusement.

Something in Sunoo wilted at that. He scoffed, trying to cover up the sting. “I never hated him,” he said under his breath.

“Neither did I.”

Sunoo snapped his head up. Sunghoon held his gaze steadily, and didn’t look away like he usually would. He wanted Sunoo to know that he meant it. Maybe to him, hatred was too strong of a word to convey intense dislike for someone. Sunoo, who felt either everything or nothing at all, didn’t distinguish much between the two. He gave Sunghoon a simple nod and turned away.

It didn’t matter anyway. Even if Sunghoon had hated him at first sight, which admittedly was something Sunoo was not used to, they were somewhat friends now. And that was all Sunoo would ever let himself have.

⥇

“You’re seriously ditching us?”

The words cut through the air like a knife, and Sunoo could do little to deflect it before it sliced into his skin.

The last thing he wanted to do was abandon them like this. He knew how much his friends had been looking forward to the trip. He stood there, frozen in the doorway, unable to say anything.

Anyone who knew Sunoo well enough knew that he wasn’t the picture of sweetness he appeared to be. He had an edgier side, capable of sass and witty remarks for days. He was effortlessly good at lighthearted verbal scuffles; Sunghoon and him could go back and forth for hours if their friends let them.

But despite all that, he was horrible at real fights. Heated, raw arguments that left real wounds terrified him. He let the insults and accusations be flung at him without complaint, but refused to throw any stones himself. Looking at Niki, he couldn’t bear to.

Heeseung wasn’t letting it slide so easily, and Sunoo winced at the scene that was being made on his behalf. Heeseung would never let anyone say a single defamatory word against him. He was fiercely protective and a loyal friend. Sunoo appreciated him more than anything, but he thought the boy could have tunnel vision sometimes.

Niki was angry beyond recognition, that was for sure. His eyes were hard and furious, and the words that came out of his mouth were hateful and laced with poison. That was probably all Heeseung could see.

Sunoo thought he looked sad.

He and Heeseung left for the hopsital after that. He never meant to lose Niki. He never meant to lose any of them. But between the period of grieving that followed that eventful argument and the avoidance of not just Niki but anyone and everyone, their group slowly but surely had drifted apart.

Sunoo meant to reach out in the months afterward, but he was exhausted. He had been reaching for his mother all his life and now that she was gone, he was tired of reaching. He wanted someone else to extend a hand to him first for once. And someone did.

Of all the people, Park Sunghoon.

⥇

Sunoo was not used to relying on others. His whole life, he had only relied on a singular person, and that was Heeseung. He wasn’t used to relying on people, plural. It was supposed to be easy, not relying on Sunghoon. He was never really there, never sought him out first, never showed up randomly whenever Sunoo needed him.

Until one day he did. And thus began the breaking of Sunoo’s promise.

“Who do you think will admit it first, Jungwon or Jay?” Sunoo mused. He hadn’t seen much of either of them since the fight with Niki. Jay dropped by sometimes to catch up, and it was from these brief visits that he gathered that the two of them were still dancing around each other. One afternoon after stopping by Heeseung’s place for lunch, Jay had left in a hurry, saying he had to rush because “otherwise all the good ones will be gone.”

“Is that even a question?” Sunghoon replied. “Jay has been confessing for years. Just not in words.”

They were lying side by side on Sunghoon’s bed, staring up at the ceiling as they talked. Sunghoon had spontaneously invited him over, something that was becoming a common occurence these days. He always had a scented candle lit when Sunoo arrived, even though Sunoo distinctly remembered the boy mentioning once that fragrance made his head ache.

He breathed in deeply, inhaling the seasonal aroma of gingerbread and spices. He wondered if Sunghoon knew it was his favorite.

“Can you confess without words?” He pondered in amusement. Sunghoon gave him a look, like he was being purposefully dull. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said dismissively. “I just think there’s only so many flowers you can give someone without it being totally obvious you’re in love with them. I’m surprised Jay hasn’t resorted to wacking Jungwon upside the head with them yet.”

Sunoo snorted. “As if that would work.” Sunghoon reached over and flicked him in the middle of his forehead. “ _Ow.”_ He rubbed the stinging area in shock, but Sunghoon just stared at him like he was waiting for something. “Hyung!”

Sunghoon sighed. “I guess it doesn’t.”

Sunoo flushed. He wasn’t stupid. Ever since his mother’s death, he and Sunghoon had gotten closer— the type of closeness that had been missing between them over the years. There were moments, moments like these where he even thought he saw something in Sunghoon’s eyes. Something for him.

Sunoo was holding himself back. Sunghoon was too, and they were both locked in an awkwardly intense battle to see who would be the first one to fold. They were afraid. He didn’t know whose fear outweighed the other’s but Sunoo knew he didn’t want to be the one to break first.

“They’re probably both scared of making the first move,” Sunoo said.

Sunghoon hummed thoughtfuly, still looking at him in that strange way he always did. Like he was a puzzle to be solved. A code to crack. “I guess we’re all cowards.”

⥇

“Sunghoon hyung, do you want to go somewhere with me?”

Sunoo would soon regret those words more than any he had ever spoken in his life.

It had been months since the fight, since his mother’s death. He had come to rely on Sunghoon, as much as he tried to resist it. He’d thought it would be his downfall; he had never even imagined that it would be the opposite.

In the seconds before Sunoo was sure he was going to die, he remembered his mother telling him about unconditional love. He didn’t think it was something she had ever felt for him. If she had, she had never shown it. When she spoke of loving someone enough that you placed the value of their life above your own, he had promised himself he would never indulge in such a ridiculous notion.

His mother had fallen victim to it. And where had that unconditional love gotten her? She had died alone, the only person by her side the son she grudgingly cared for, her lover long gone.

Love left you. Love ruined you. These were the lessons he had learned from his mother. And now he stood right in the middle between death and someone he had, against his will, started to feel things for. And for the first time in his life, he understood her.

He had been so afraid, of dying alone like she had. But he wasn’t alone. Maybe dying wouldn’t be so bad, with Park Sunghoon at his back. Safe.

Without realizing, he had come to love someone more than he loved himself. Well at least no one could claim that Sunoo had died a selfish brat. He closed his eyes and waited for the impact.

It never came.

In the months that followed, Sunoo often questioned what his biggest regret was. His first thought, which he believed was the reason for everything that had happened, was breaking his promise. As the days without Sunghoon stretched on however, he soon changed his answer.

His biggest regret wasn’t loving. He could never regret loving. If he could have gone back in time there was one thing, and one thing only, that he would have changed.

He would have allowed himself to love Sunghoon sooner. He would have loved him louder.

And maybe, just maybe, he would have allowed Sunghoon to love him back.

\---

**The Ground** ****

Sunghoon tore his hand away, breathing heavily. Sunoo was staring at him in horror and he realized that his cheeks were wet. He drew in a stuttering breath.

“Hoonie,” Sunoo began hesistantly. Sunghoon shook his head.

“You— why did you…” He felt like he was being choked, unable to draw breath in or push words out. He looked at Sunoo who was looking at him like he was rediscovering something precious, something fragile. Sunghoon loved being looked at like that. It also pained him.

He felt a cool hand on his cheek and realized he had been shaking his head to himself like a madman. He went to grab it, then paused. He carefully gripped Sunoo by the wrist over his sleeve instead, carefully avoiding skin on skin contact, and pulled the hand away. He couldn’t bear to touch him again, for fear of seeing even more.

Sunoo flinched. Sunghoon wanted to comfort him, but he needed to comfort himself first. He drunkenly stumbled to his feet. Sunoo looked up at him, opening his mouth, but he didn’t want to hear any sweet words coming from the boy right now. Sunghoon did what Sunghoon did best, and fled the room to be alone.

He closed the door to his room with a slam, wincing at the loud noise. He remembered. Not only did he remember, he had seen those memories from Sunoo’s perspective as well, had been inside his head in those last moments.

Sunoo had been ready to give up his life for him. The thought made him sick to his stomach.

He had thought several times about how it would feel to finally know who he was and how he died. He had imagined the satisfaction, the relief, the contentment.

All he felt was sadness.

He remembered everything, yet it was not enough. He had died before Sunoo had. Which meant that in the wake of the discovery that he had known the boy before they had met in the Ground, none of it mattered. He couldn’t help Sunoo resolve his impediment. He couldn’t help him move on.

All he was left with was the overwhelming knowledge of what Sunoo had been ready to give up for him. And if Sunghoon hadn’t been quick enough, he might have succeeded.

Sunoo was making him feel all sorts of things he had never felt before. First, he had crept into Sunghoon’s carefully manicured routine, made a mess of it and then left, leaving him feeling hollow and misplaced. Whenever Sunoo wasn’t there, he felt a gaping hole in his side. _He was lonely._

He had smiled at Sunghoon, touched him, chipping away at his exterior until it crumbled like flaking paint. Where his hand had wrapped around his, heat had blossomed. _You’re warm,_ Sunoo had told him on that mountain. _You’re my heat,_ Sunghoon had wanted to reply. _He was on fire._

And now. Now Sunoo had lead him by the hand into the past, accidentally opened his mind so that Sunghoon could slip in and see the world through his eyes. He had seen himself through Sunoo’s eyes. At first he’d been giddy, because there were hints that maybe Sunoo didn’t mind that he gave off no heat of his own. Maybe it was enough that he would gladly stand by Sunoo’s side and absorb his, reflecting it back to him.

But then danger had come, and instead of stepping to the side and out of harm’s way, Sunoo had rooted his feet to the ground and prepared to shield Sunghoon with his life. It was the final thing that Sunoo made him feel, something he hadn’t felt since he died. _He was afraid._

Park Sunghoon was afraid.

\---

**I-Land: April 20** ** th ** ****

Jay’s mother had always had a unique way of describing things, as if every single tree or mountain or object had its very own soul. Instead of simply saying that it looked like it was going to rain soon, she would say, “the sky wants to rain today.” As if it were an entity with its own agency, and the weather it produced was akin to a person’s fleeting moods.

Today, the sky looked conflicted. It was cloudy, but a hint of sun was peeking through. It was a day where anything could happen, where the sky could decide that it was going to be a rainy day or a sunny one at the flip of a coin.

Jay hummed under his breath, as he trotted down the sidewalk, a skip in his step. This was all very uncharacteristically perky behavior for him, but what could he say? You only turn twenty-one once. Or ten times.

But this was hopefully going to be the last time he turned twenty one. He could feel it like a thrum in his bones, a gut feeling that told him this time, things would turn out very different. Hopefully for the better. Hopefully the sun would decide to show itself.

He turned into the unfamiliar street he had finally figured out was where Niki’s house resided. The boy would be in school around this time, but Jay was just going to drop off his gift and leave. He didn’t care about receiving anything for himself today. His friends were finally going to make it, and he wanted to cherish their existence with little tokens of appreciation.

He was going to make his rounds before they met up for dinner later that evening. In his bag, he had a binder of sheet music he had specially bought for Niki, a flashlight for Sunoo (so he could read in the dark after Heeseung went to sleep), mittens for Sunghoon, sneakers for Jake, a T-shirt that read “Park Jongseong is my president” for Heeseung, and last but not least, a delicate little boutonniere for Jungwon.

He doubted he would ever tire of giving Jungwon flowers. Their friends all thought he was doing it to be purposefully corny, for the sake of the pun. Jungwon knew better.

“The flowers wanted you to have them,” Jay would tell him. Jungwon would look at him in amusement. As if to say, _can’t you just tell me directly you wanted to give me flowers?_ Which was also true. But if flowers really did have a soul, Jay was positive that they would want to belong to Jungwon. Just like he did.

When he arrived at the house it looked dark and deserted. Maybe no one was home. He considered just leaving the binder near the entrance, but he figured he might as well knock. He had never met Niki’s parents.

A man who he assumed was his father answered the door. He had a rough appearance about him and looked like he hadn’t slept in days, but Jay wasn’t the type to judge. This man apparently was though. He scanned Jay up and down, eyes lingering on the object in his hands.

“No soliciting,” he said gruffly.

“I’m not a solicitor,” Jay said offendedly. “I’m Niki’s friend. I came to drop something off for him.” He held up the binder. Niki’s father eyed it as if it would explode in his face.

“What is it?”

“Sheet music,” Jay exclaimed. He belatedly remembered Niki mentioning that his father had been a piano teacher and continued on, relieved to find a reason for him being here that would stop the man from glowering at him like that. “I think it’s so amazing that you taught your son and daughter yourself. Music is so important,” he babbled.

The man went very still. He held out his hand, and Jay frowned in confusion before realizing he wanted the binder. He hastily handed it over.

The man flipped it open and frowned down at the pages. Thinking that he was judging Jay’s selection of music, he quickly said, “I really appreciate classical music of course. It’s just that we watch a lot of anime, and some of the songs are fun to learn…”

He trailed off with wide eyes. One by one, Niki’s father took hold of each page and with careful precision, tore it out of the binder while Jay watched, transfixed. Pieces of paper slowly fluttered to his feet like snow.

“There is no place for music in this house anymore,” the man said with a hard voice. “I have no daughter. And my son is gone.” The door slammed in his face, and everything Jay thought he knew about Niki lay in shreds around his feet.

He bent down numbly, and slowly began gathering up the destroyed sheets. He had never been to Niki’s house. He had never met Niki’s family. Now he knew why.

He thought of the cuts and scrapes that would randomly appear on the young boy’s arms and legs. The dark circles under his eyes, the way he devoured food that was set in front of him like he hadn’t had a meal in days.

Jay had been so preoccupied with keeping his friends from dying that he had forgotten one important thing: being alive was harder than being dead.

He walked back down the path from the front door and rounded the side of the house. There was no fence surrounding the property, and the small back yard was in clear sight. Jay frowned. He cast a glance behind him. He didn’t want that man angrily chasing him down the street for trespassing. But like before, the windows remained dark and shuttered.

Jay stepped onto the lawn. His stomach was clenching painfully, the way it did when he was about to discover something he was maybe better off not knowing. In the middle of the small plot of grass lay a single, worn out mattress. Beside it, was a pair of shoes that he remembered seeing on Niki’s feet numerous times. They were now threadbare and falling apart at the seams, aged with use and exposure to weather.

Jay knew that a lot could be told about a person from the way that they slept. He also knew growing up that he was extremely privileged, and that many people would be grateful to even have a roof over their head and four walls around them.

He stared at the mattress lying on the ground. If someone had a roof and rejected it in favor of sleeping under the open air, what could be said about what was contained within those walls?

There were two types of privilege, Jay realized. There was privilege in things, and then there was privilege in people. He and Jungwon had always tried to be there for Niki, to be his people. He had just never considered the possibility that they were the only ones Niki had.

Without thinking, he took a seat on the mattress. He immediately heard the faint sound of something crumpling beneath his weight. He stood up, and folded back the sheet. Stuffed beneath the surface of the mattress cover, lining the area of the whole bed, were sheets upon sheets of music. Sheet music that Jay had given him. Music that couldn’t be used.

On that day all those months ago, when Niki had picked a fight and yelled and acted foolishly, Jay had understood. The thought of turning his back on him because of it never even crossed his mind. Everyone thought that Niki was being overdramatic, getting angry over something that didn’t seem that consequential. But Jay understood.

It was the littlest things. After an accumulation of other things, some big, some small, it could be the littlest thing that served as the final straw and finally broke you.

Jay’s little thing was the sight of that sheet music stuffed into the mattress.

He carefully gathered the shredded paper he was holding and arranged it among the rest, then replaced the bedsheet.

As if in a trance, Jay walked home, entered his house, and climbed up to his room. He opened the drawer of his desk where he had stuffed all his thoughts and musings, addressed to a boy who always died before getting to read them.

He gathered them into a pile in his arms and walked into his closet. He emptied a shoe box and arranged the letters neatly inside, before shoving it into a corner. And then he walked out, down the street and let his feet lead him.

He had been so close. So close. He thought he had solved every last problem, figured out every last variable. He had the power to prevent death. But was he capable of mending a life?

When he came to his senses he found himself standing on top of their dance studio. Everything had started here. He had met Heeseung, Jake, and Sunghoon in that room on the top floor. He had met Sunoo on this roof. Jungwon had found Niki on the sidewalk below.

Everything might as well end here too. He stepped onto the ledge. Looked down. Jay did not want to die. He would not even entertain the thought of dying if he believed for a second that it would be permanent. What Jay wanted was to rest.

He wondered if he would become a ghost, a temporary one. An honorary spirit. He looked down at the street, contemplating. What would it be like, to just have a break from all the responsibility? He started to lean forward. He caught sight of familiar eyes.

Jungwon wasn’t supposed to be there.

It was sunny. The clouds had cleared out, and there wasn’t a single cotton wisp in sight. The sky did not want to rain today. But something else fell from the sky instead.

_I’m sorry Jungwon. I’ll come back for you. Bring me back to you._

With those beautiful eyes staring up at him, and a single flower tucked into his pocket, Jay took off, but did not fly.

His mother would have said that a blue jay had decided to fall today.

Jay would have said that he had already fallen a long time ago.

\---

**I-Land: July** ****

More than ever, Niki was grateful for his sister. Whenever he needed someone to be there, she would be at his side immediately. The same could be said of Jungwon; both of them, his sister and his found brother, had a tendency of materializing whenever he needed them most, as if summoned by his subconscious.

But Jungwon had Jake to comfort and care for at the moment. Jake, who had taken Heeseung away from this world with the press of a pedal. Niki knew very well what the press of a pedal entailed; it was the breath a piano drew before it sang a string of notes, it was the echo that carried the music far beyond the confines of the space around it.

But now Niki knew that a pedal could silence music as well. He wondered if Jake had known it too, when he pressed down the pedal that drove the car forward and took an angel's breath away, so that its song would never be heard again. And he wondered if maybe Heeseung didn't mind leaving now that Sunoo was gone, because what was a guardian angel without his ward?

"Rei," he said to his sister. "I want to take a walk somewhere."

"Okay, Riki," she said softly. "Whatever you need."

He had never come to this place before, not as a student nor as a club member, but his feet knew the way to the dance studio even if his brain didn't. He had never been inside, but he had been on the outside, and that was where Jungwon had found him sitting on the street three years ago.

"Why here?" Rei asked curiously, looking at the building.

"This place has a lot of memories," he answered. It was the place where his friends had met and danced together and became a family. It surely did hold a lot of memories, but none of them were Niki's. Except for the bad ones.

The memories of dancing and laughter- those weren't his. Instead he held close the image of a boy sitting on the sidewalk, hungry and alone, until for no reason whatsoever, a stranger came along and offered his hand. He had the memory of a blue jay on the roof spreading his wings as he fell from his perch, except he made no effort to fly.

Niki was so deep in thought, that he thought he was hallucinating when he saw the boy on the roof. He hadn’t noticed him at all until the sunlight caught in his hair, a glint of gold. The sight of it froze him in his steps.

_“Are you crazy?” Jungwon inquired calmly, his tone juxtaposing his words. Niki supposed he was used to Jay’s impulse decisions and no longer had the energy to be aghast._

_“I was destined to be a blonde,” Jay said. “I would ask you if you’d still love me if I turn out ugly, but I think the right question is, will you be too intimidated by me once I’m ten times as handsome?”_

_It was one of those rare times Niki could admit that Jay had been right. When he saw the final product, he immediately insisted that he bleach his own hair to match. Jay laughed and laughed, but obediently helped him color his hair, saying that they’d finally be real twins._

_Niki had been happy with his result, a muted ash blonde that probably suited his complexion far better._

_But nothing could compare to the way Jay’s hair shone like gold when the sun hit it at just the right angle._

That was how Niki realized he was definitely hallucinating. That hair was all too familiar. The boy was none other than Jay.

But Jay was dead.

He must have gone pale, because his sister tugged on the sleeve of his shirt urgently, trying to bring him back to earth.

"Riki? What's wrong, are you okay?" She asked worriedly. He tore his eyes away and looked back down to meet her gaze. There was no way he could tell her what he saw. His father already thought he was crazy, seeing things that nobody else could.

Niki had never had a way of knowing what was real or what wasn't. But he knew for sure that seeing Jay again was an impossibility. He didn't want his sister thinking there was something wrong with him too. He smiled uneasily. "Nothing, I just thought I saw someone I knew. Let's go."

Rei looked unconvinced, glancing up at the roof where he had been staring. She must not have seen anything, because she quickly turned back to him with a shrug. "Okay, let's go."

Niki followed her down the street away from the dance studio. Grief did terrible things to people, he thought. His mind was failing him. Would he soon lose who he was as well, just like his father?

He glanced back at the roof. But Jay, if he had ever been there at all, was gone.

⥇

Jake drove down the silent road, his windows rolled down. A calm breeze blew into the car, cooling his skin and tousling his hair. The night was dark and quiet and he relished in the sweet sound of nothing. There was something peaceful about driving. He had always enjoyed being behind the wheel, finding an empty road and just letting his mind wander with his hands resting ever so gently on the wheel.

Suddenly, he was blind. A flashing light seared into his eyes, and everything went white. He swerved hard, and his car skidded before he lost control completely. He stomped his foot down on the brake but instead of screeching to a halt, he was suddenly weightless.

He was flying. 

Time stopped as he was suspended in mid air for a few eternity filled moments. Then gravity pulled him downward and his stomach dropped to his feet. Everything went dark and quiet, but not the calm type of dark and quiet he had just been enjoying. It wasn’t the calm of the evening air. It was the suffocating, gripping eeriness of being completely submerged, locked in on all sides.

Water rushed in through the window. It was only cracked open, a sliver that was nowhere near big enough for him to squeeze through. His throat closed up. He might stop breathing out of pure terror before he even had a chance to drown.

He grappled for the handle of the door, but no matter how much strength he leveraged against it, it wouldn’t budge. His body went numb as freezing cold engulfed him. His fingers went slack. Something bumped against his window. He looked out, and saw Sunoo, eyes closed and drifting aimlessly by.

Jake flung his eyes open with a gasp. He bent over the side of his bed and heaved, half expecting to start coughing up water.

He had already fulfilled the prophecy. He had already taken Heeseung from this world. Why was he still having these dreams? Why was Sunoo there in the water with him? It seemed his sleeping mind wanted to taunt him not just with what was going to happen in the future, but what had happened in the past.

He shivered at the memory of feeling helpless as the breath slowly left him. Was that what Sunoo had felt in his final waking moments?

He tossed aside his blankets, and turned to slide out of his bed. Maybe he would take a walk. Clear his head.

His toes had barely touched the cold wooden floor of his room when he suddenly found himself nose to nose with Niki. He scrambled away, crawling backwards on his hands and feet until his back collided with the wall.

The boy was white as a ghost, and stood there staring slack jawed at him with a vacant gaze. Jake shook his head violently, squeezing his eyes shut and opening them again.

“You’re not really here,” he whispered, trembling. The temperature in the room had dropped. He was freezing again, and every shakily exhaled breath came out as a wisp of white, curling in the air like a timid ghost.

“You’re not really here,” Niki echoed. There were tears in his eyes. They flowed down his face, dripping onto the floor, until the whole room was filling with water and Jake pulled his legs in as it reached the height of his bed.

Tears poured down the walls, down Jake’s own face, and the water rose up to his neck, his nose, his eyes. Niki just stood there, somehow completely dry, watching him in despair.

When Jake woke up for real, he was being clutched tightly to Jungwon’s chest while he thrashed around wildly, whimpering Niki’s name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next chapter have so much sunsun screen time aghhh >,<


	10. The Color of You (Part One)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally gonna be one super long update but since the first half was just pure sunsun I decided to split it into two parts so I could post for Valentine's <333

_"Death is a strange thing. People live their whole lives as if it does not exist, and yet it's often one of the greatest motivations for living. Some of us, in time, become so conscious of it that we live harder, more obstinately, with more fury._ _We fear it, yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves."_

* * *

**I-Land**

When Sunghoon first saw Sunoo, alarm bells went off in his head. He was for the most part, a reserved person, and tended to stay away from people whose energy would be too overwhelming or draining for him. He had already acquired three new friends in the last week; one more was surely pushing it. And this boy was on a whole other level.

Being around him was like looking at the sun, blinding and painful if you expose yourself to it for too long. When Sunghoon first saw him, he completely forgot where he was. Everything around him darkened and disappeared, and the world narrowed down to just him and that pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel. The Sun was sitting in the bleachers talking to someone else excitedly, hopping up and down in his seat with that shining grin.

Then the boy turned and their eyes met, and if Sunghoon thought he'd been disoriented before, that was nothing to what direct eye contact did to him. He was flat on the ice before he had the sense to look away. 

Sunghoon knew how bitter jealousy could be; he was perpetually the target of it. But looking at this boy’s bright smile as he bounced up to introduce himself, a smile that didn’t hold a care in the world, he couldn’t help but feel a flicker of resentment. It blossomed in his chest, an ugly and wretched flower with metal thorns that squeezed around his heart like barbed wire.

Sunghoon’s life was a cycle of practicing, eating, and sleeping, and for him, a carefree smile like that would be hard earned. This boy wore it like it cost him nothing. Sunghoon hated it. He hated how affected he was by it.

He decided he would need to keep his distance from the boy who was like the sun, lest he try to get too close. Everything about him was too much, and he knew that it would consume him if it had the chance. He didn’t have the time or energy to deal with distractions. No matter how shiny they were.

So Sunghoon stayed away from Sunoo. 

But the seed had already been planted.

⥇

Their relationship became a game of push and pull. Sunoo, pushing, and Sunghoon pulling away, despite wanting nothing more than to pull him closer. 

When the boy came close, Sunghoon shied away; when he tried to make conversation, Sunghoon brushed him away; when he tried to meet his eyes, Sunghoon had to force himself to look away.

Away, away, away. That was the only word he let himself associate with Sunoo. It was what kept him safe, what kept him grounded when the words that kept infiltrating his mind instead were things like _pretty, stunning, beautiful. Incandescent._

He was determined to squash that thing inside him that had bloomed that day, so that it would loosen its tendrils that had woven their way around his lungs. At least, Sunghoon liked to imagine that there was such a thing there. How else could he explain why his breath got cut off every time Sunoo laughed? 

When they hung out, if at all, Sunghoon always had Jake in tow, a safe barrier to shield himself from Sunoo's energy. 

They would go out to eat, with Sunghoon mostly conversing with Jake, and exchanging short words or nods in reply to Sunoo's rambling. When Jake got up to use the restroom, Sunoo asked him this:

"Are you very close with Jake?"

Sunghoon nodded silently.

"How come?" Sunoo pressed on, not satisfied with the mute answer. Sunghoon didn't know how to respond to such a direct question.

"Jake is cute," he said, blurting out the first thing that came to his mind. Sunoo's lips twisted into a pout. Sunghoon's heart ached from looking at it. 

"I'm probably cuter," he said, flipping his hair out of his eyes nonchalantly. He said this completely unashamedly, wearing a straight face like he was merely commenting on the weather. Sunghoon thought he had probably earned the right to make such brazen statements. Before he could keep himself in check, a chuckle escaped him. Sunoo's eyes immediately brightened at the sound. 

"I want to be closer to you too, hyung," he said shyly. It was the first time since Sunghoon had met him that he looked self conscious. His hands twisted in his lap and he stared down at them resolutely, brows drawn. Sunghoon hated himself for what he was about to say next. The thorns were cutting into him. He had to nip it in the bud. 

"Sorry. I mostly keep to myself."

⥇

It was a bit ironic that Sunghoon and Sunoo’s friendship only well and truly started once the rest of their group had fractured. After three years of being acquainted with each other, they had mostly been known for their “Tom and Jerry” dynamic, as the sunshine and the ice prince of the group.

They had slowly gotten closer over time, but they didn’t really know each other, not _really_. Sunghoon supposed he was the one to blame for that. Which is why he was so surprised at himself when Niki lashed out at Sunoo, and he felt a surge of anger and protectiveness rise up in him like a cresting tidal wave. And when everything settled, and everyone had taken sides, Sunghoon had made his choice as well. He was startled at how simple the choice had been.

He dropped by Heeseung’s apartment later that week unannounced. He didn’t know what brought him there, only that he felt an urge to make sure they were both doing okay after their hasty exit the other day.

It was Sunoo who answered the door. He was wearing black, straight-legged jeans, and a black button down shirt. The outfit was far from formal, and Sunghoon doubted if the boy even owned anything as fancy as a suit, but it was a stark contrast to his usual pastel-toned hoodies and baggy sweatpants.

He acknowledged the sudden change of wardrobe with some amusement. If there was one thing he and Sunoo had always been good at, it was banter, and he was teased endlessly by the younger boy for his consistently dark clothing.

“How the tables have turned,” he joked. “You look like you’re dressed for a funeral.” If Sunoo took offense to his quip, he didn’t show it.

“Sunghoon hyung,” he smiled. “Did you need something? We were actually on our way out,” he said in confusion.

“Actually, I—” He stopped short when Heeseung appeared behind Sunoo. He looked the boy up and down. He was dressed in a formal black suit, tie and all, with his hair neatly gelled and parted down the middle. Sunghoon frowned at the attire. “Where are you guys going?”

Heeseung looked at Sunoo, who just nodded easily, still holding that small but weary smile in place.

“We’re on our way to a funeral,” Heeseung said carefully.

His thoughts turned to static. “What.”

“Sunoo’s mother passed away this week.”

Sunghoon stared at him blankly, as if any moment now he would burst into a laugh, and tell him this was all just some strange joke he and Sunoo had decided to play on him.

“She was sick for a long time,” Sunoo explained quietly. Sunghoon shifted his focus to him. His voice was gentle and soft, like he was speaking to a child, and Sunghoon wondered why the hell it seemed like _he_ was the one being comforted. “I got a call on Friday that she wouldn’t make it through the night. That’s why we had to leave.”

The white noise in his head grew infinitely loud, and his collar was suddenly much too tight around his throat. He parted his lips, sucking in deep breaths through his mouth as he struggled to make sense of what he was hearing.

“You never said anything,” he said dazedly. His chest was being squeezed by some invisible force, those barbed vines back again to wrap around his heart like a cage. It was hard and cold, leeching into his organs and spreading throughout his limbs leaving them frozen solid. Hard and cold like ice, just like he had been towards this boy who had always been nothing but warm.

He noticed Heeseung glancing at him in what looked like sympathy.

“It was my burden to bear,” Sunoo replied. He never once let that smile falter, refusing to give any visible indication that Sunghoon should feel guilty. But guilty he was. 

He looked at that smile he had been so weary of, that first time he had met the boy. He wore it like it cost him nothing, Sunghoon had thought bitterly. Looking at it now, he could see it wavering around the edges in a way he had never noticed before. He wondered just how much it was costing Sunoo to keep that smile held up for his benefit.

Comfort was nothing more than a pretty lie, and the image of the boy that he’d seen until now had been the prettiest lie of all.

He didn’t know why he said what he said next. He just knew that he needed Sunoo to hear it. “You don’t have to smile,” he told him. “Not for me, not for anyone.”

Sunoo’s eyes widened. His lip, which had been ever so painstakingly curved upwards, began to shake. The two friends stood there, one still as a statue, the other frozen like ice, and watched as the happiest boy in the world began to wail at the top of his lungs.

A mask slipped away and clattered to the floor. A thorny flower watered by resentment and fear shriveled up and something else began to grow in its place, innocent and curious. 

That was the day Sunghoon realized he didn’t have the slighest idea who Kim Sunoo was.

But he wanted to.

⥇

Sunghoon lit the pumpkin colored candle, wrinkling his nose as he set it down on his window sill. He tried not to gag as the scent started dispersing into the air. _Why on earth did Sunoo like these things?_

Minutes later, he heard the delicate rap that signaled the arrival of the boy. The door swung open to reveal Sunoo’s beaming face. Sunghoon noticed that the more time they spent together, the more genuine his smiles became; or maybe that was just wishful thinking on his part.

“Hyung!” Sunoo gave the air a sound sniff. “It smells so good in here,” he remarked in wonder. He pushed by Sunghoon and jumped onto his bed without waiting for an invitation. Sunghoon sighed, pretending to be annoyed.

“Don’t get your dirty feet on my sheets,” he scolded halfheartedly.

Sunoo absentmindedly kicked off his shoes before tucking his legs underneath him; he was distracted by the bottle of painkillers on the nightstand that Sunghoon had forgotten to put away. He curiously picked up the bottle.

“I had a headache,” Sunghoon tried to say casually. He didn’t miss the suspicious glance Sunoo directed towards the candle burning in the window, still unleashing its heady fumes.

“You shouldn’t do things that’ll give you a headache then,” Sunoo said pointedly.

“I guess I should stop inviting you over,” he retorted.

“I’m not a headache, I’m a blessing.” Sunghoon remained silent. “What, no comeback?” Sunoo said with a raised eyebrow.

He shrugged. “I’ve run out of arguments.”

“I still have one,” Sunoo said, his eyes suddenly narrowing. Sunghoon started searching for an escape route, but there was nowhere to go. “Tell me why Jake mentioned to me earlier that you’re skipping out on the dance showcase this month?”

Sunghoon sighed. He’d been expecting this. “I have practice that day.”

“And you can’t skip one day out of hundreds?” Sunoo pushed on, unrelenting.

“I have to keep my priorities straight,” he said stiffly.

“Are they your priorities? Or someone else’s?”

“As my friend, shouldn’t you respect my choices?”

“As your friend, I respect the choices _you_ make, and reserve the right to challenge the ones that are being made on your behalf,” Sunoo said, eyes blazing. He looked so passionate that Sunghoon couldn’t even be peeved. This was what he loved the most about him, after all. He raised his hands in surrender and moved to lay down beside Sunoo on the bed, gesturing for him to lay back as well. 

When they’d first gotten to know each other, Sunghoon hadn’t talked much about personal things. He’d been guarded, not wanting to reveal any weak points.

They’d come a long way. Now, there wasn’t anyone else Sunghoon was more loose-lipped around. He divulged his secrets and innermost thoughts like throwing pennies in a fountain, tossing Sunoo these coins he’d kept close, in hopes of receiving some morsel of wisdom in exchange. _A penny for your thoughts?_ Sunoo would say, and his eyes would shine like copper. 

"I have it all. People know my name. If I try another path and get lost along the way, who will remember me?" He looked at Sunoo, waiting for a reply; as though he truly were a fountain of knowledge containing all the answers in the world. "Do you ever worry about dying without being remembered?"

Sunoo was silent for a while. "There are worse things," he said finally. "I worry about dying without remembering what I lived for." Sunghoon's eyes widened. "It's not your job to be remembered," he continued. "Make memories for yourself, not for other people."

Sunghoon stared at him in stunned silence. Maybe he really did have all the answers. All the answers Sunghoon was looking for, anyway. Sunoo didn’t seem like it, but he listened carefully and when asked a question, he would search at great length for precisely the right words to form his reply.

Sunghoon reveled in moments like these, when his usually soft features became creased in concentration, and a breathtaking and ageless sort of wisdom settled in his eyes as he spoke, as though he were possessed.

How had he ever thought that this boy was shallow, just a pretty face?

Sunoo gave a little sigh. "Live for yourself, while you're alive. We're all going to end up in the same place anyway," he concluded quietly.

Sunghoon looked at him, bemused. "And what place would that be?" Sunoo turned his head to face him. His cheek was pressed adorably against the pillow and his untrimmed bangs fell low on his forehead, just kissing his lashes. Sunghoon felt the inexplicable urge to sweep them aside.

"Do you ever think about what heaven would look like?" Sunoo asked suddenly. But the question didn't catch him off guard. It was such a Sunoo thing to ask, he noted fondly.

Sunghoon’s fingers twitched and he gave in, reaching forward to gently brush away the hair that was covering those star-filled eyes.

"I do," he answered, staring at the boy next to him. When Sunghoon first saw Sunoo, he had been blinding. A distraction. What was he now? A muse, maybe. Maybe more than that.

"What is your heaven like?" The blinding boy asked. Sunghoon looked directly into the light.

"I'll tell you one day."

⥇

Sunghoon slowly learned who Sunoo was, studying the seasons of him as snow gave way to new life. He learned that fall was the season of pumpkin spice candles, of hot chocolate tucked between his thighs as he sat cross legged on the floor with his fingers curled around a secondhand paperback.

Winter was the season of plaid cashmere scarves and warm turtlenecks, and the only time of the year when Sunoo would willingly wear black. As for spring…

"Why do you have so many yellow hoodies?" Sunghoon asked. He was flipping through Sunoo's side of the closet he shared with Heeseung, trying to see if there was anything he could borrow. Preferably, black. What he found instead was a rainbow; a rainbow of yellow, that is.

He glanced over at Heeseung’s selection before quickly ruling it out. He preferred his outerwear with a distinct lack of holes, thank you very much.

"Because they're cute, hyung! Don't you think so?"

And indeed, Sunghoon couldn't deny this fact. But only because Sunoo was wearing them. The one he currently had on was a warm, golden hue. He had flipped his hood over his head, tucking away all his hair and pinning the fabric behind his ears so that they stuck out. Pulling the drawstrings tight, he tilted his head and beamed a radiant smile at Sunghoon. 

Spring was the season of sunshine colored hoodies and mint chocolate chip ice cream, of bright raucous laughter and dancing with friends. It was late night walks, when the humid air started to cool into a bearable heat that didn’t stop him from brushing his knuckles up against the ones swinging beside his. It was the season of warm days where snow and ice melted away, and in its place, grew…

"Look, I'm a sunflower!”

Spring was the season when Sunghoon decided that yellow was his favorite color.

⥇

Sunghoon had often wondered what it would feel like to fall in love. Would the realization hit him like a firework, explosive and bright, or would it creep up on him slowly?

The answer came in the form of a person barreling into him at full speed, knocking both of them clean off their feet. It took a while to register what had happened, the way it usually does when you’re minding your own business one moment and find yourself flat on your back the next.

He groaned, picking himself up before offering a hand to his assailant. Some people underestimated how much falling on ice hurt; the surface was smooth like glass, and didn’t have rough edges to cut, but it could just as easily draw blood.

The boy, more worse for wear than he was, allowed Sunghoon to pull him to his feet, mumbling apologies under his breath at a mile a minute. He wouldn’t quite look him in the eye, and looked completely and utterly mortified. There was a small cut on his chin where a drop of red was welling up. Sunghoon felt sorry for him.

“No worries,” Sunghoon said easily. “I have some bandaids in my bag if you need to patch yourself up.”

The skater nodded his thanks and followed Sunghoon off the ice. Almost instantly, a man came marching towards them, heading straight for Sunghoon with purpose.

“You should watch where you’re going,” the man barked. “You nearly killed my son.”

Sunghoon wanted to roll his eyes at the dramatics. It was one of _these_ parents. He cast a sideways glance at the boy who looked like he wanted to melt into the ground. Again, Sunghoon found himself pitying the kid. “I was standing still. Your son was the one who crashed into me.” He gave the boy a friendly nudge to show he wasn’t upset, but he still had to defend himself.

“Exactly, you were in his path.”

“I see,” Sunghoon said thoughtfully. “Someone must have forgotten to paint the lanes on this morning. I can’t seem to find them.”

The man fumed. “You may think you’re on top of the world right now, Park. But a few trophies won’t cushion your downfall when the time comes.”

So this tiger parent knew who he was. Sunghoon wondered why everyone was more invested in the outcome of his competitions than he was.

He got more satisfaction when nailing a jump during practice with only himself as witness, than he did when a medal was being placed around his neck in front of a cheering crowd. He always questioned why he even did this in the first place, if he was only doing it to please others. Or piss them off, apparently.

The answer came to him in a sudden moment of clarity.

“You can have all the trophies you want, if you can earn them,” he said coolly. “I don’t skate to win. I skate because I love it.” He reached for his duffel bag, rummaging around for a bandaid. He fished one out and tossed it to the skater before sweeping away, leaving a gaping parent in his wake.

⥇

"You were right.”

He had done what he always did these days when he needed to talk about something on his mind. He’d invited Sunoo over.

"I know," Sunoo replied. "About what?"

"I love what I do. I know it doesn't seem like it but I really do. When I was younger, and I kept stumbling and falling and aching all over, I thought, why are my parents doing this to me? But looking back, I wouldn't know who I am without the rink. What is Park Sunghoon without ice skating?”

Sunoo looked like he wanted to protest, but let him finish.

"But," he continued. "You were right. I've dedicated my whole life to it. To competing, to winning, to meeting everyone's expectations of me. And I don't want to stop doing it. I just want to stop doing it for others, and start doing more things for myself.”

There was something shining in Sunoo’s eyes now, something like pride. Sunghoon would throw away all the trophies in the world, and skip practice for all the dance showcases if it meant he’d get to see that gleam in his eyes again.

And the best part? He wasn’t going out of his way to do things that would please Sunoo. Because the things that pleased him were the things that Sunghoon did for himself.

Sunoo's biggest wish, was simply for Sunghoon to live for himself.

“Ice skating might be all the world remembers me by,” Sunghoon said. “But I don't want it to be all that I remember."

⥇

“Sunghoon hyung, do you want to go somewhere with me?”

_Where wouldn’t I go with you?_ Sunghoon wanted to say. If he had the power of hindsight, maybe he would have hesitated. But that wasn’t true either, was it?

The only thing that stood between him and imminent danger was Sunoo. And that was not acceptable. Sunghoon couldn't even say that he acted next without thinking, because if he had the time to process and think it through, he would have done exactly the same thing.

Sunoo looked like a statue, all the blood drained from his white face. The man was yelling at him, telling him to move out of the way, but Sunghoon doubted he could hear anything in the state of shock he was in. So Sunghoon moved for him, sweeping him to the side as he swiftly took the spot where Sunoo had just been standing moments ago.

He should have been terrified, but it was the easiest thing he had ever done.

_I worry about dying without remembering what I lived for,_ Sunoo had said. At the time, Sunghoon had echoed that fear. But now, he was no longer afraid. His heart felt free as he became an immovable barrier in front of the soft boy who dressed in sunshine.

Sunoo would never want anyone to give their life for him. He was someone who believed that every person should live for themselves only. But had Sunghoon even known what that meant before Sunoo? A sunflower, bright and yellow, had bloomed in Sunghoon's chest where there had once been thorns. His fear was a thing of the past, and he had learned to face the sun, to seek out its warmth rather than run away from it. That was what living for himself had come to mean.

Sunoo would have made some reference about it being a catch-22. Sunghoon had already made up his mind.

A shot rang out.

_I know exactly what I lived for._

⥇

When Sunghoon was younger, his mother told him that in order to succeed, he needed to learn to love skating as much as he loved to breathe. This confused him, because is there anyone who loves to breathe?

It's not something that one is passionate about, and is as much of a conscious effort as the beating of a heart or the multiplying of cells. 

You do not love breathing, you just _do it._ You do it because you have no choice, because if you cease to breathe your body cannot live on. When Sunghoon thought about this later on with more introspectiveness he realized that he did in fact, feel for skating the same way he did for breathing.

He did it because he had always done it, at first only because it had been expected of him. But if instructed, could he do otherwise? If he stopped skating, would he be able to live on? If that piece of his life suddenly went missing, his chest might well and truly burst.

This was what his mother had meant, he realized. Something that he had always done without thinking, out of reluctant obligation, had become as vital as drawing air into his lungs. 

Sunghoon fell in love with Sunoo the same way he fell in love with ice skating.

Reluctantly;

Then as easily as breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was basically just Sunghoon's POV of the flashback/memory sequence in the last chapter so not much story progression here, buttt there will be more plot in part two + the jaywon enthusiasts will be fed once again
> 
> pls holler at me in the comments I need validation :33


	11. The Color of You (Part Two)

**The Ground**

Jay was in a kitchen.

He was not supposed to be in a kitchen; that is, he wasn’t here for work. It wasn’t a rare occurence for him to take a detour while taking cases. Usually he’d stop by a bakery just to stare at the pastries and pretend like he could taste them in his mouth. One time it had been a yoga class, where they’d been practicing mindfulness and meditation and Jay was strangely struck by curiosity.

These detours were not planned for, and were usually a byproduct of his short attention span and see-through store front windows that lured him in. This was the first detour he had consciously made, the first time he had a specific destination in mind.

And he was in a kitchen. His kitchen, to be specific.

Jay had his memories back. It was a lot to take in, and there were a million things he wanted to do and explore and figure out. But one thing stood out as most important, above all other things.

His house looked exactly the same on the ouside. There was the familiar shingled roof, the little balcony outside his bedroom on the second floor, and the carefully cultivated garden out front. But on the inside, it felt different somehow. Emptier, like something vital was missing. It took Jay longer than it should’ve to pinpoint that the missing piece was him.

His mother was humming as she did the dishes, a soft and bittersweet tune. Jay watched her as she worked, the gracefully aged features of her face highlighted by the sun streaming in through the window in front of the sink. His throat felt tight.

Jay had to deal with a countless number of people in his line of work. He remembered every ounce of grief he absorbed, each one different from the next, almost like a person’s own unique signature. But he never took notice of their faces. Souls came and went like the ebb and flow of the tides, and rarely lingered long enough for their image to make a lasting impression in his mind.

Jay wasn’t someone who remembered faces, but he thought it was a sin that he had forgotten this one until now. With red rimmed eyes from lack of sleep and wispy hair shot through with more grey than he remembered, she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. 

He stood there, just simply watching for a few minutes, and started to hum along. Her hand stilled. Jay immediately fell silent, but she just raised her arm and wiped her hair out of her eyes with the crook of her elbow. He dared to move closer, coming to stand just behind her.

He tried to wrap his arms around her waist and lean his chin on her shoulder, but the contact never came. For months, the thing Jay thought he craved the most was to be able to bite into a slice of cake again. Now he just wanted to be able to hug his mother.

“I thought I must have had a crazy sweet tooth when I was alive. I couldn’t stop thinking about cookies. Turns out, I just missed yours,” he said with a wry chuckle. Jay couldn’t hold her the way he wanted to, so he came as close as he could, sinking his face into her hair and breathing her in.

She was still humming. The melody was too sad. Jay wanted her to sing something happy.

He pulled back and let his hand hover over her. He closed his eyes, concentrating. But instead of finding immeasurable grief, he felt something else instead. Something just as strong, but not something he could just absorb.

It wasn’t the type of grief you’d feel in someone who had lost her son. It was the aching loneliness of knowing that someone had gone away for a while, but having no idea when they would return. It was untouchable, impermeable, and nothing Jay could do could ease that hollow ache.

“I miss you.”

Jay jumped. His mother was still looking down, concentrated on her task.

“Can you… hear me?” He asked tentatively. No response. Of course, she’d just been talking to herself.

“Jongseong-ah,” she sighed, and Jay’s heart gave another painful jump. He stepped around to look at her and furiously waved his hand back and forth in front of her face, but she didn’t bat an eye. He sagged, clutching at his chest.

“Geez mom, am I the one who’s haunting you or is it the other way around?” He asked, his heart still pumping erratically from the shock of hearing his name. When he looked at his mother’s face again, he thought he saw a faint smile touch her lips.

He shook his head. “Ridiculous,” he grumbled. “I did not come home just to be taunted like this,” he told her sternly.

“There’s cookies and tea on the table for you, darling,” she replied. Jay nearly passed out. His mother was going to be the death of him. The second death.

“Thank you, Mrs. Park.”

He froze. Then slowly turned around.

A boy appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. He must have come from the living room, and had probably been there all along. Jay might’ve seen him if he had entered from the front, but he had been so enraptured by the sight of his mother in the kitchen window that he had stepped right through. 

Jay gazed in awe of the newcomer, even as the boy looked right through him, unseeing. “ _Garden_ ,” he breathed.

Jungwon smiled. “It’s good to see you again.”

⥇

Jay remembered Sunoo telling him once that he wished he could erase his memory after reading an amazing book just so he could experience it for the first time all over again. He’d thought at the time that it was a silly thing to want.

Oh, how he was wrong. Seeing Jungwon again, after months of losing those memories of him, losing that piece of who Jay was… it was like seeing him for the first time, that same magic, that same fluttering feeling in his chest.

He understood now, Sunoo’s addiction to books, that high that he chased so fervently. Jungwon was the best story that Jay had ever read. He was the words that Jay spilled onto paper and sealed up in envelopes; he was the chapters of the last nine years of his life, and he was all the pages still left unturned. Jungwon was a beautiful book Jay’s memory had been wiped of just so he could discover it all over again.

Jay’s mother greeted Jungwon warmly, and ushered him into the seat in front of the food she had placed on the table. She sat down across from him.

“I’m so glad that you’re visiting again,” she told him. “It’s always so good to see you. You’re like a second son to me, you know.” Jay couldn't help but smile at that.

Jungwon smiled weakly. “I’m sorry it took me so long before. I was just…”

Mrs. Park waved her hand dismissively. “You’ve been through so much, dear. I’m sure coming here was the last thing on your mind.”

Jungwon exhaled heavily. “How are you doing?” He asked tentatively.

She smiled sadly. “A parent never expects that their child will leave before them,” she said. She reached across the table and gently folded Jungwon’s hands into hers. Jay was envious. Of both of them.

“Me neither,” Jungwon said quietly. “Jay wasn’t supposed to leave before me either.”

“Jungwon…” Jay whispered. Of course, neither of them heard him.

“If I’m being honest, I didn’t think Jay would ever leave me. Not by choice.”

A pang of guilt wracked his body.

Mrs. Park patted Jungwon on the hand gently. “Then if Jay left, he must have known that he’d be coming back.” Jungwon looked up in surprise, and Jay observed him curiously. Heeseung had told him that he’d read all the letters. Did Jungwon think they were the ramblings of a madman, or did he actually trust that Jay would come back? He hoped for the latter.

“Well what’s taking him so long?” Jungwon mumbled sullenly. Jay couldn’t help but laugh at his petulant expression, and his mother smiled as well. 

“You miss him.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement, a simple fact that united this unrelated mother and child sitting across from each other at a kitchen table, spilling their heart.

“I love him,” Jungwon said simply. Jay’s eyes widened.

Jungwon’s head shot up, and he awkwardly glanced at Jay’s mother. “I mean— I mean as a friend. I love him like that,” he stuttered. The elation that Jay had felt just seconds ago came crashing down.

“A friend?” He said out loud in disbelief. “Is that all you see me as, you little—”

“Don’t let Jay hear you say that,” Mrs. Park said with a cheeky smile.

“Thank you, mother,” Jay all but yelled, grateful that someone was backing him up. He shook his head. “The nerve of these kids these days. Friend,” he scoffed.

Jungwon’s mouth hung slightly open, and he had that trademark adorably confused look on his face. “Jay can’t— he wouldn’t…” He trailed off, not knowing how to tactfully tell Jay’s mother that her son was dead, and therefore not around to hear him say anything.

“Jay can’t what, you brat?” He marched over and poked Jungwon right in the cheek— only for his finger to pass through completely. He clicked his tongue in amazement. “Looks like I can finally say that your dimples are _literally_ like a black hole.”

“It’s all right, you don’t have to be embarrassed with me,” his mother laughed. “He loves you too, you know.”

Jay pressed a hand to his heart, feeling betrayed. “Don’t tell him that! I’m trying to play hard to get over here.”

“I don’t know about that,” Jungwon chuckled self deprecatingly.

“Good,” Jay nodded. “I’d like to keep the element of surprise when I finally manage to confess without one of us dying first.” He frowned. “What do you mean you don’t know? Yang Garden, have you fooled me all these years into thinking you’re the smart one?” He was suddenly extremely offended that Jungwon wasn’t sure of his affections.

“You’ve been reading his letters haven’t you? Jay always was transparent about his feelings, but even more so on paper.”

“Reading them just makes me more unsure. I don’t know if I deserve him,” Jungwon said softly, and Jay was now confdent that his garden was an idiot. Jungwon looked up determinedly. “But I’m working on it,” he said with conviction.

“As Jay would have said, none of this deserve or don’t deserve nonsense. If Jay chose to love you, you’re already deserving.”

If Jay could’ve kissed his mother, he really would have. Jungwon had always acted so confident with him; he never would have guessed that he felt anything less than completely entitled to Jay’s heart.

“I never knew you thought so highly of me,” he told him teasingly, even though the boy couldn’t hear him.

“Jay is the best person in the world,” Jungwon said, as if in reply. “He deserves the world.”

Jay didn’t know what to do with himself; he was overcome with emotion. He swallowed painfully, and moved his hand so that it hovered over Jungwon’s head.

“I’m sure it would mean a lot to him to hear you say that,” said Mrs. Park, giving his hand a squeeze.

Jungwon hesitated. Then firmly, he said, “I’ll tell him one day.”

“Tell it to me again, Jungwon-ah,” Jay said, stroking the boy’s hair as best he could. “I promise I’ll pretend to be surprised.”

He stayed until Jungwon left. The boy rose to his feet, with promises to come back again soon. Jay had to go now too. He followed Jungwon out the door, and watched as the boy made his way to his car.

Jungwon stopped and turned, and for a moment it looked like he was staring right at Jay. Then he smiled and waved. Jay turned to see his mother waving back through the window. After Jungwon finally drove away, Jay traipsed through the yard to the front of the house.

He stopped in front of the window to look at his mother one last time.

“Last chance. Do you know I’m here or not?” He asked her through the glass. He brought his hand up, his fingertips just a sliver away from her face. Once again, there was no reply. He dropped his arm with a sigh.

“I guess you’re not all knowing after all,” he said with a fond smile. He turned and slipped away.

Just seconds after he disappeared, his mother looked up, a dazed expression on her face. She tilted her head to the side.

“Jongseong?” She lifted her fingertips and pressed them to the glass where Jay’s had just been. “I feel you,” she said achingly. “Come back soon.” She let her fingers linger for just a moment, then resumed her work, humming a bright and hopeful melody.

⥇

There was one more thing Jay had to do here before he moved on to his final stop. He crept through his backyard, past his mother’s flower garden and past the large outdoor pool to the small, worn down shed tucked away in the corner of the yard. Compared to the luxury of the rest of the property, it looked, to be quite frank, like a tin trash can.

It was made out of weathered planks of wood, sloppily nailed together as if by a child’s doing. The roof was made of sheets of corrugated metal and was intended to shield the rest of the shed from the summer showers, but the rain had clearly gotten to the rotting wood anyway.

It was hideous, and hardly even had functionality going for it, but it was Jay’s favorite part of his home. He and his father had built it together, years and years ago. Before he had gotten so busy with work that he was spending more time in hotels than his own house.

This ugly shed had been his main source of communication with his busy father for several years. There would be months where he’d be gone on back to back business trips, returning home at night long past Jay’s bedtime, only to be gone again the next morning.

But before he departed, he always left something behind. When Jay's mother would greet him in the morning and tell him his father had been home, he’d rush out to the shed like it was Christmas day. Stashed there would be a new trinket, or a toy, or an item of clothing, all kinds of bits and bobs from various places from his travels.

Jay entered that old shed, fully expecting to see the years worth of accumulated gifts collecting dust. And they were, for the most part.

But there were stacks of things that stood apart from the rest, closer to the door; they were shiny and unmarked, and looked to be in pristine condition. Jay frowned, bending down to inspect them. There was a little glass case with a russian nesting doll inside of it, an intricate thing made of brightly painted wood. Next to it, was an origami crane, which on closer inspection, was actually crafted from fine porcelain, not paper. And next to that…

He squinted. It was a shoebox, the lid propped open, with a pair of sneakers nestled inside. He peered at the label. Size 9. They were in his size. And they were brand new.

Even now, after all these months, his father was still leaving him gifts in the shed, as if he’d be returning to open them. Jay knew his father, and he doubted that he believed in the concept of rebirth the way his mother did. But maybe some part of him still believed— still hoped— that his son wasn’t really gone.

A vivid memory suddenly came back to him from his childhood, a time when he had accidentally trampled on some of his mother’s plants. He’d cried for hours despite all her comforting, before his father took him by the hand and led him outside to the scene of destruction.

“Look, Jongseong-ah.” He had shaken his head and buried his face in his father’s shirt. “Look.”

He finally looked, wondering why his father was so insistent on rubbing what he’d done in his face. “You may have scattered some leaves and petals around, but see here? The roots are still strong and intact. They’ll grow again and be just fine.”

Jay sniffled, wiping his nose on his hand. “Really?”

“Remember this, Jongseong. Nothing is broken forever.” Jay stared up at his father with wide eyes, soaking in every word. “There’s too much room for mistakes in life for anything to be permanent.”

⥇

When Jay finally returned to the Ground, the first person to accost him was Heeseung.

“Why do you look so giddy?” He asked suspiciously, squinting at Jay’s face in scrutiny.

“I do not look giddy,” he huffed. Heeseung looked at him disbelievingly. “Okay, maybe I ran into an old friend.” It wasn’t a lie.

“An old friend? Then why do you look like a blushing schoolgirl who finally got to talk to her crush?” Realization dawned on Heeseung’s features. “Unless. Did you see Jungwon?”

Jay squirmed, which was all the confirmation Heeseung needed. He watched in horror as an evil smile spread across the older’s face. “No. Shut up,” Jay warned, but it was too late.

“You know you can’t woo him when you’re dead right,” Heeseung snickered.

“I do not need to _woo_ Jungwon,” he said indignantly. “I’ve already wooed him. He has been wooed.”

“And tell me, my dear _non-living_ person, just how that inter-existential relationship will play out.”

“I have a lot of other things going for me,” Jay protested.

“Other than being alive? Pray tell.”

He thought for a moment. “I’m still devilishly handsome.”

Heeseung looked insultingly repulsed by this. “Too bad we’re the only ones who can see you, and I’m sorry to tell you that you’re not my type.”

“Maybe Sunghoon and I will have an office romance,” Jay suggested, then immediately suppressed a shudder at the thought. “ _No._ Nevermind.” He looked around. “Where are Sunoo and Sunghoon anyway?”

“They’re avoiding each other and have confined themselves to their separate rooms,” Heeseung informed him.

Well _that_ was interesting. “Lover’s spat?”

“As much of a lover’s spat as you can have between non-lovers,” he said with a shrug.

Jay scoffed. “Please. If those two aren’t well on their way to the honeymoon phase, then I’m not in love with Yang Jungwon.”

“So I was right,” Heeseung exclaimed.

“Spare yourself the pat on the back,” said Jay. “It was hardly a groundbreaking revelation.”

Heeseung rolled his eyes, before narrowing them at him again. “You look weird.”

“I get it, I’m not your type.”

Heeseung shook his head impatiently. “No, I mean,” he fixed Jay with a piercing gaze that made him feel strangely exposed. “You look more worn down than normal.”

_Busted._ “Ah. I’ve sort of been working… overtime.”

“What do you mean? Why would you do that?”

“Uh.” He struggled to fish for an answer. “Student loans?” Heeseung stared at him, unimpressed. Jay sighed. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I have it under control for now.”

“For now? When should I start worrying then?” He snapped.

“When I’m dying in your arms,” Jay said with a grin.

Heeseung shook his head exasperatedly. “It’s absolutely exhausting being your friend, Jongseong. I hope you know that,” he said, turning to head towards his room.

“Imagine how tired I am!” Jay called after him playfully. As soon as Heeseung was out of sight, he let his smirk slide off his face.

Seeing his mother and Jungwon had been healing, and had recharged him somewhat. That energy had almost immediately been completely depleted when he visited _that_ place again. The place that girl from the graveyard had lead him to, asking for his help. He had never felt so much grief and negative energy concentrated in one area.

Absorbing it had taken far more out of him than usual. Even so, he would do it again and again, everyday if he had to.

It was what he owed.

⥇

_Just because you smile, doesn’t mean you miss him any less._

Those were the words Heeseung had said to Sunoo after Sunghoon died. But Sunghoon had told him that he didn’t have to smile if he didn’t mean it. So which was it?

Even though he’d only seen snippets of memories, and only moments through which he and Sunghoon were connected, it was like a dam had been broken in his mind. The memories themselves had served as a memory trigger, and Sunoo’s life had come flooding back to him all at once.

He could remember everything. Almost everything. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring forth the moment in which he died. The last thing he could picture clearly were the months following Sunghoon’s death, those long tedious days of trying to exist without him. Trying, and failing, to smile and mean it. Then at some point, it all went vague and blurry, like there was a veil concealing the rest from sight.

Sunoo didn’t mind at all. In fact, he was relieved that he couldn’t remember how he died. Remembering meant potentially moving on, and moving on meant leaving Sunghoon yet again. After that night on the mountain, Sunoo had realized that his paradise was right here; in this cramped, enclosed space, with all the people he cared about.

So he had stopped giving his impediment much thought. Stopped tagging along with Sunghoon for fear of accomplishing what he had set out to do in the first place: finding closure.

And now he was avoiding Sunghoon. Or Sunghoon was avoiding him. It didn’t make a difference because either way they hadn’t talked since Sunghoon had left in a rush, flinching away from his touch and avoiding his eyes like both would burn him.

Sunoo might not remember how he met his end, but Sunghoon did. Did he regret it? Did he hate Sunoo for dragging him to that place that day, for leading him to death’s door?

A knock on the door broke him out of his thoughts.

“Ddeonu?” Heeseung peered into the room before slipping in quietly. Sunoo mustered up a smile, despite the turmoil in his mind.

“Is everything all right with Jay? I heard him coming back,” he said.

Heeseung released a heavy sigh and sat down beside him. “Jay doesn’t know when to stop. That’s his problem.”

Sunoo laughed. “If he stopped when everybody else would expect him to, or when anybody else would give up, he wouldn’t be Jay.” Heeseung looked lost in thought. He settled a hand in Sunoo’s hair and started smoothing it down absentmindedly. Sunoo took the time to observe him, while the boy was distracted.

It was strange, seeing these people through the new lens he had acquired. He had already grown to care for them in the short time they’d spent together, but he now knew them intimately, as friends he had been with for years. This was no longer just the adorably awkward and mysterious soul who’d shown up in a fit of tears. This was Heeseung, _his_ Heeseung.

Sunoo realized something. The way Heeseung had acted all along, his reluctance to divulge what he did or didn’t remember, the way it felt like he already knew all of them inside and out from that first day— could it be?

“What happened with you and Sunghoon?” Heeseung suddenly asked.

Sunoo placed a hand over Heeseung’s where it was resting on his head. “Heeseungie hyung,” he said, trying to convey some meaning in his words. Heeseung looked at him in surprise, and must have seen something in his eyes. He tilted his head curiously. “I remember.”

Heeseung’s eyes widened. “You… Sunghoon too?” Sunoo nodded. Heeseung’s shoulders sagged in realization, but he didn’t look surprised. Sunoo took that as confirmation that he really had known them all along.

“Hyung. If you gave your life for someone… do you think you would regret it? Would you resent them for it?”

Heeseung blinked rapidly, still trying to process. He reached out to cup Sunoo’s cheek, and Sunoo instinctively tilted his head to nestle into the curve of his hand.

“No, Sunoo. I wouldn’t. If the person is important enough to give your life for, what is there to regret?” His thumb brushed over Sunoo’s skin. “I don’t have any regrets,” he said earnestly. Sunoo’s lips parted in surprise, taken aback by how personal Heeseung’s hypothetical answer had sounded.

“Do you—” Heeseung began, looked frightened. “Do you remember how you…” He trailed off, but Sunoo could guess what he was referring to.

He shook his head. “I don’t remember how I died. Do you remember?”

Eyes wide and glazed, Heeseung slowly nodded. Sunoo slumped against his chest, and as if on reflex, two arms immediately came up to wrap around him. “Don’t tell me, hyungie,” he whispered. “Please don’t tell me.” To his relief, his request went unquestioned.

“Okay, Sunoo-ah.” Heeseung’s voice was just as quiet, just as fragile. Sunoo closed his eyes and let the feeling of fingers threading through his hair calm him. “Okay. I won’t.”

\---

**I-Land** ****

“Is he really gone, Jungwon?”

If Jake had thought he’d been having trouble sleeping before, he wasn’t getting a wink of it now. Not peaceful sleep, anyway. The dreams were back, more vivid and more haunting than ever. Each night was a new horror movie, with Niki as the starring role in all of them. If he had learned anything at all, he wasn’t going to ignore the signs this time. Not after Heeseung.

“Heeseung put himself in that position, Jake. You weren’t in control,” Jungwon told him. His tone was lackluster, knowing that no matter what he said, he wouldn’t be able to convince him. How could he? Jake was covered in stitches, had already been wrapped up in bandages, but no false words of comfort could soothe away the wounds that had been left there far beneath his skin.

Throughout everything that had happened in the last months, Jungwon thought Jake had remained the strongest out of all of them in a way, never letting his smile slip during the day. Of course, the dreams that plagued him every night had steadily planted seeds of anguish in his mind, until, when his fears really did come true, the grief finally bloomed to life.

Though he had mourned with the rest of them until now, he had escaped the cycle of guilt that was insistent on targeting every single one of them. But some things cannot be run from forever, and alas, the red eyed demon called blame had at last captured its final victim.

“If it were you, wouldn’t you feel the same way? Wouldn’t you feel like a murderer?”

“Yes,” Jungwon replied honestly. Jake laughed humorlessly at his bluntness. They had long since outspent the luxury of cushioning their words, and underneath all the sugarcoating, all that was left was the bitter truth.

“I predicted it too, didn’t I? Every night, I dreamt that something like this would happen. When will I wake up from this one?” Jungwon shook his head, not knowing what to say anymore. “I feel like I’m going crazy. But we have to keep it together, you and I. For Niki.”

Jungwon perked up at the sound of the name. “Have you talked to him?”

“What do you think? If you haven’t heard from him, he definitely hasn’t reached out to me.” Jake fell silent for a moment. “Then there’s these dreams again. After last time I can’t help but think…”

Jungwon knew what he meant. But nothing he had read in Jay's letters gave any indication that Niki was in danger. The same could be said for Heeseung, but that was different. “Niki will be fine,” Jungwon said firmly.

Jake sighed. “I’m sorry that I keep bothering you with this. I know you probably haven’t been sleeping well either, with me waking you up and all.”

“I’d be losing sleep regardless, Jakey.”

“You say that, but— me staying here. Isn’t it too much?”

“Stop that right now,” Jungwon said sharply. Jake blinked, surprised at his harsh tone. “If you’re asking what I think you’re asking, stop it. I would never think of any of my friends as a burden. None of you have been, ever.” His voice cracked. “You and Niki are all I have now. If anything, I should be the one asking.” Jake looked at him questioningly, and Jungwon continued, his voice wavering. “Don’t leave me?”

Jake turned his face away. He brought up his hand to roughly wipe at his cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere,” he said hoarsely.

Jungwon shook his head fondly. “All you people are the same. So afraid of imposing on others.” He sighed. “Especially Niki. I think he gets misunderstood sometimes.” Jake winced, knowing full well that he had been among those who’d sided against Niki after that argument. “But he feels the most out of all of us.”

Jungwon thought back to the day he had first met the temperamental boy, and the corner of his mouth tugged into a smile.

\---

**Three years ago**

Jungwon felt the blood rush to his head as he was dangled precariously over the side of a building. He was going to kill Park Jongseong.

As he contemplated if it would really be that bad for his final moments before plummeting to his death to be in Jay’s arms, his eyes landed on the street below him. A lone figure sat shrouded in the shadows cast by the buildings, but Jungwon somehow caught sight of him.

He pulled himself out of Jay’s hold, and quickly excused himself, rushing down to the entrance of the studio. Jay would have told him to mind his own business, that this boy had nothing to do with him. But Jungwon had never been one to mind his own business. He was a boy with a camera, always with one eye looking ahead and the other constantly searching for his next subject. Not minding his own business came as second nature to him.

“You,” his target snapped his head up. “You’ve been sitting in front of the studio for the last three weeks. Are you here for the club?”

The boy looked at him like he didn’t know what he was talking about. “The club?”

“Dance club?” Jungwon gestured pointedly at the building behind them. The boy craned his neck from where he was sitting stooped over on the curb of the sidewalk. He spared the studio a cursory glance before shaking his head.

“Taiyaki,” he said. Jungwon blinked.

“What?”

The boy pointed to the other side of the street impatiently. “There’s a taiyaki place right across from here,” he said, as if that explained everything.

“Why are you on this side of the road then? Why not go over there?”

“If I get too close, I’ll be able to smell it.” At Jungwon’s blank stare he said, “I can’t buy any. I have no money.” He said it matter of factly, and Jungwon could tell that he didn’t intend to fish for sympathy. He was just telling it how it was.

“Are you homeless?” Jungwon asked bluntly.

“Just about.” At Jungwon’s raised eyebrow, he sighed. “No, I’m not homeless.” Jungwon relaxed. “We sold our couch yesterday,” the boy added, as if this was important to know as well.

Jungwon nodded slowly. “I see.” He did not see. He looked over at the store the boy had been camping by for the last few weeks. “Would you like me to buy you one?” he asked impulsively. The boy scowled. He didn’t like that. “Let me rephrase,” Jungwon amended. “I suddenly feel the urge to buy two taiyaki right now. I feel like I can eat two, but my grandmother always says my eyes are bigger than my stomach. I wouldn’t want to waste food.” He looked at the boy meaningfully.

He hesitated, then nodded. “I’ll be here,” he said shyly. So Jungwon crossed to the other side of the street, and bought three taiyaki, and came back to find the boy in the exact same place.

“You said you were going to buy two,” he said accusingly, as if Jungwon was trying to pull one over on him.

“I bought five,” Jungwon lied. “And I already ate two back in the shop. These three are for you.” He held them out, and in seconds, the boy was scarfing them down. He cleaned off two of the pastries in record time, then carefully wrapped the third and placed it in his pocket.

“For my sister,” he explained, following Jungwon's eyes.

“I don’t even know your name,” Jungwon realized suddenly.

“Do you need to?”

“Consider it payment for feeding you.”

The boy scowled. “Riki.”

“Niki?”

“ _Riki._ Call me what you want though. It’s not like I’ll see you again.”

“Do you have any friends?” He asked.

“Why wouldn’t I?” Niki said huffily.

“Someone who spends their free time staring through the window of a pastry shop doesn’t strike me as a person who has friends,” Jungwon remarked.

“Do you always give out charity to loners you find on the street and then proceed to insult them?”

“It’s a hobby of mine.”

“Then I guess people with friends do strange things in their free time too,” Niki concluded smugly.

Jungwon laughed. “If you need friends you should share mine.”

Niki frowned. “You’re in high school aren’t you?”

Jungwon blinked. “Yes, why?”

“I’m in middle school.”

“Oh that’s perfect. So are my friends. Mentally.” Niki snorted. “I think you’ll get along splendidly with Jay,” Jungwon said thoughtfully. At Niki’s questioning look, he explained. “He has the heart of an old man,” he said fondly. “But the mind of a child.”

“I’m not a child,” Niki complained.

“Then maybe you have the heart of a child, but the mind of an old man. You’ll complement each other perfectly,” Jungwon said with a grin. “Stop wanting things from a distance, Niki. Me and Jay will be your people. From now on, I’ll buy you all the food you want.”

\---

“He’s not the type to ask for help,” Jungwon said to Jake. “But when he needs us, he’ll come.”

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door. Jake and Jungwon both looked at each other, thinking the same thing.

"Hyung?" It was Niki's voice, and he sounded a bit odd, but it was definitely him. The corner of Jake's mouth curved upwards in a halfhearted smile.

"Speak of the devil?"

Jungwon laughed, shaking his head, and stood to get the door. "Yah, just where do you think you've been, you brat- What..." Jungwon trailed off wide eyed as he took Niki in. He heard Jake's footsteps padding up behind him and his sharp intake of breath.

They stood there, speechless and staring. Niki was breathing heavily, as though he'd run all the way from his home to Jungwon's dorm. A metallic stench clung to him like a cloud of toxic perfume.

Jungwon's eyes drifted over to the door where a dark smear marked the place where Niki had raised his fist to knock. He looked back at Niki, whose hands and shirt were smothered in blood. Jake pinched himself.

"I'm in trouble," said the boy painted in red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter is boring im sorryyy :'(( Things will pick up soon I promise, im rly excited for whats to come!! Meanwhile, if u want a more fast-paced & lighthearted read, u can check out my latest fic Silent Songbird :3 
> 
> -xoxo, Gem


	12. Once Upon a Time

_“Somtimes, the perceived villain of our story has their own villains lurking in the shadows.  
Sometimes, the one we rely on to save the day is longing for their own hero to come rescue them too.”  
_

* * *

**The Ground**

Sunghoon was worried about Jay. This wasn’t anything new, since the boy had a propensity for dangerously overextending himself in everything he did. He had already known that Jay was overambitious when it came to his job; his heart was big, but his capacity for absorbing all that grief wasn’t.

Now that he had all his memories back, there was even more evidence to support his perspective of Jay’s character. The boy was stubborn and hard headed, and would put himself in stupid situations just because he couldn’t bear to see anyone struggling.

For example, there was the time he insisted on joining Sunghoon on the ice so that he wouldn’t be lonely during practice. He had claimed it would be fun, and it _was_ fun seeing Jay attempt to skate for the first time in his life, until that exciting little venture had resulted in a not so exciting trip to the ER.

But what Sunghoon was worried about this time wasn’t Jay cracking his head open. It was something far worse, something he unfortunately had the traumatic experience of witnessing before. It was still imperceptible enough that Sunghoon could almost pass it off as his paranoia; but if he looked very, very closely, he could swear that Jay was starting to flicker.

He knew that Heeseung had already lectured Jay about it, always the over protective brother, so he didn’t feel the need to add on to that. He couldn’t help sneaking constant glances at him however, trying to subtly assess his condition. It was after being caught during one of these glances that Jay finally snapped at him.

“Oh my god, _I’m fine_ ,” he said, rolling his eyes.

“You’re pale,” Sunghoon said. It was true. Jay’s complexion was growing more and more washed out by the day, and he had a greyish tint about him, something that was unusual even for souls like them.

“Well I’m literally dead, so I’m sorry if I’ve lost my youthful glow,” Jay said dryly.

“I’m serious,” Sunghoon said impatiently. “You don’t look like someone who’s “fine.’”

“Well _you_ look like someone who’s been avoiding their boyfriend for days,” Jay retorted, looking smug.

“Sunoo is not my boyfriend,” he said quickly.

“Oh really? Then how did you know who I was talking about?” Jay smirked, thinking that he’d very cleverly backed Sunghoon into a corner.

“Did you forget that there are only four of us here?” Sunghoon said with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, right.” Jay deflated.

“Heeseung is basically our dad, and you’re not my type."

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Jay muttered. “I’m a catch.”

“Anyways,” Sunghoon continued. “I’m not avoiding him. He’s avoiding me too,” he said defensively.

“And who avoided who first?” Jay challenged.

“Well,” he hesitated. Sunghoon recalled how he had stormed out on Sunoo after he’d gotten his memories back. He winced. Truthfully, it was near impossible for him to stay away from Sunoo. It’s not like it was something he wanted to do.

But they all had their memories back now. Sooner or later, Sunoo would figure out how he died and resolve his impediment. He would move on, and Sunghoon would stay. The red ribbon around his wrist was a constant reminder that no good could come out of getting attached to people who would leave. It was all his fears from when Sunoo first arrived, but tenfold. The difference was, he was already attached.

At least he had a lifetime of memories now, memories with Sunoo. That would have to be enough.

“All I’m saying is, don’t lecture me until you’ve gotten your own problems sorted out,” Jay told him.

“Yeah well, my problems don’t involve my soul fading away into nothingness,” Sunghoon bit back.

Jay snorted. “Listen, Hoon. I’ve already had to watch you two pine over each other in one lifetime,” he said with fond exasperation. “If I have to witness it all over again even in death, oblivion might not be so bad.”

⥇

Jay entered his room to see Heeseung waiting for him.

“What are you doing here?” he asked in amusement. “Did you get tired of watching Sunoo sulk?”

“I wanted to check your condition,” Heeseung answered with a frown. Jay held his arms out and spun around dramatically.

“Still alive and kicking,” he said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Yeah, about to kick the bucket maybe,” Heeseung said, looking Jay up and down.

“Save it, I already got hounded by Sunghoon,” he said, flopping onto the bed. “He should just go and talk to Sunoo if he has the time to run his mouth off with me.” Heeseung grunted in agreement. “It’s funny, isn’t it,” Jay mused. “Watching them dance around each other again.”

“I guess it depends on your sense of humor.” Heeseung, for one, did not appear amused.

“You should’ve been here when Sunoo first came. Hoon was such a grouch,” Jay recalled. “In a way it’s kind of like a repeat of their relationship before. I always wondered about it, why they got off to such a rocky start.”

“The same reason they’re avoiding each other now. They’re afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Different people love in different ways. Some recklessly and some cautiously, some selfishly and some selflessly,” Heeseung said. “When two different kinds of people fall in love, they have to meet somewhere in the middle. And that can be a terrifying thing. Sometimes it can become something beautiful, and sometimes it can end in disaster.” He sighed. "Sunoo has seen the disastrous side. For a long time, it made it difficult for him to want to love somebody."

Jay was silent, soaking in what Heeseung had just said and trying to apply it in the context of his two friends. “I’ve always thought Sunoo was an interesting person,” he said after a minute. “You must know his story better than anyone.”

“It’s a long one,” Heeseung replied.

Jay leaned back, his interest piqued. “I have nothing but time,” he chuckled weakly. “Go on, I’ll start for you. Once upon a time…”

And because he had nothing better to do, and because he would prefer for Jay to sit still and listen to him ramble rather than run around till he dropped dead, Heeseung told his story.

“Once upon a time,” he began, humoring Jay. “There was a girl who fell in love with a boy.” Jay settled himself more comfortably on the bed, and listened with rapt attention. “They got married, and the girl was adamant at first about not having children, because she wanted her lover all to herself. She loved him selfishly.

And then she found out she was sick. The doctors told her that they could prolong her life for an indeterminate amount of time, but she would never get better. So, knowing that she would eventually leave the world, she gave her husband a son, so that he wouldn’t be alone after she was gone.”

Jay’s eyes widened, beginning to catch on to where he was going. Heeseung found it surprisingly easy to tell the story, as if a great burden was being lifted from his shoulders with every word that left his mouth. Even though the story was not his own, he felt in a way that Sunoo was an extension of himself, and therefore his history was inextricably entwined with his own.

⥇

When Heeseung visited Sunoo’s house for the first time all those years ago, he thought that his little friend’s family was very, very strange. His father was away at work, and his mother was hidden away in her room, only coming out when she needed to tell Sunoo to do something. The house felt empty.

“Do your parents ever give you hugs?” Heeseung asked him curiously, in the blunt way that children ask things that maybe shouldn’t be asked about.

Sunoo thought carefully about his answer, unperturbed. “My mother reads to me,” he said in reply. Sunoo’s mother did not hug him, but insisted on reading to him every night before bed. Her reasoning for this was that one must read diligently in order to be a sensible person.

“You have to grow up to be sensible like your father,” she would tell her son. He would hang off of her every word, latching onto whatever attention she would spare him.

Heeseung wondered if there was a limit to how many people you could love. Before Sunoo was born, his mother loved his father more than anyone else in the world. Usually after a child is born, your heart grows bigger to accomodate that new person, and you love your child with all of your heart.

But Sunoo’s mother already had someone in her heart, and her heart was frail and small. Heeseung decided that if you were only allowed to love one person that much, his person would be Sunoo.

“Take your friend to your room and play there,” his mother emerged from her room to tell Sunoo. “Your father will be tired when he gets home from work, so don’t make too much noise.” 

Heeseung happened to know that Sunoo was a very noisy person, but in his own house he was like a shadow of himself. When he spoke, his voice became a gentle murmur, and when he laughed or smiled, he brought his hands up over his mouth to muffle his reaction.

Ten minutes before Sunoo’s father was expected to arrive home, his mother called him out into the living room. Heeseung trailed after awkwardly, lagging a distance away.

“Make sure to greet him with a smile, Sunoo. He’s had a long day. Show me.” Little Sunoo offered up a tentative smile. Heeseung thought it was the best smile he’d ever seen.

“More, Sunoo,” she instructed firmly. “You should always smile at people even if you’re not in the mood for it. Nobody likes a sad person.” So Sunoo widened his smile, until his cheeks hurt and his eyes teared up.

His mother smiled at him and patted him on the shoulder. It was a quick touch, but Sunoo visibly perked up, brightening at the small praise. “Good boy. How can anyone not be happy when they look at that face?”

Heeseung wanted to argue that he was happy whenever he looked at Sunoo, no matter what face he was making. But something told him that this grown up would never understand.

⥇

“She raised her child not as her son, but as her replacement,” he told Jay. “As she grew weaker, she taught him to appear more energetic. As she grew more melancholy, she taught him to smile more. She trained him, but she never showed that she loved him. And then, her husband found out about her illness.”

“Wait, she hadn’t told him?” Jay interrupted.

“She couldn’t change the outcome either way. She was afraid that the knowledge would be too much of a burden to bear. And she was right; he left." Jay made a small noise of surprise. "And everything that Sunoo knew about love, he learned from that one, doomed situation.

The things he was taught— to always put on a smile, to not be a burden to others— those things stuck with him for years.”

“He sleeps against the wall,” Jay mumbled to himself under his breath. He pieced the things he knew about Sunoo together with the information Heeseung had just shared. He was realizing just how hard it was to truly know a person without being aware of every life event, every moment that contributed to shaping who they were. 

Heeseung was prepared for a barrage of questions to come soon; Jay was a curious person, and whenever he learned something new, there were always a million follow up inquiries. But he wasn’t prepared for the one question that Jay ended up asking him.

“Do you have feelings for Sunoo?”

Heeseung blinked at him. “Why does that matter?”

Jay shrugged. In a way, his question was rhetorical, because the answer already seemed clear to him. “You love him,” he stated. “Don’t you?”

Heeseung hesitated. One room over, Sunoo was agonizing over wanting to stay in the Ground, while Sunghoon was having an entirely different debate with himself. He cared enough for Sunoo to want him to move on, and it hurt him to be close to the boy the longer he stayed.

Heeseung knew them both well, and could interpret their internal struggles perfectly. But he didn’t need to be a mastermind to see what they felt for each other. Sunghoon loved Sunoo, and Sunoo loved Sunghoon. And Heeseung…

“Of course I love Sunoo,” he replied. “But I’m not _in_ love with him.” Jay stared at Heeseung, and Heeseung looked back at him, unblinking. His gaze almost didn’t waver. It was a pity that Jay knew him too well.

“It’s funny,” Jay said. “You’ve been less than honest with us since the moment you arrived here in the Ground. But you’ve never once told an outright lie before, not really.” He looked contemplative, and Heeseung bit his tongue.

“You know hyung,” Jay mused, “there was a time when I believed that you were the most selfless person I’d ever met.”

Jay’s eyes penetrated him, and for a moment a shadow of someone else passed over his face; he suddenly looked wise, like he had all the answers in the world, and Heeseung realized how much he resembled his mother.He let out a huff of resigned laughter. “And what do you think now?”

Jay shook his head with a small, tired smile. “Now I’ve confirmed it.”

\---

**I-Land**

Niki had never truly believed that he was crazy. He believed that like most things out of his father’s mouth, the label was only meant to hurt him and make him second guess himself at every turn. The last few months had been a whirlwind for him; he had lost so much, and yet the one thing he had clung onto was the knowledge of his own sanity.

But as he stepped into his house to see Jay standing in the middle of his living room, he wasn’t sure if he even had that anymore. This wasn’t the first time he thought he’d seen Jay- there was that first time on the roof of the dance studio, and since then there had been numerous times where Niki would see him out of the corner of his eye, just for a second.

This wasn’t the first time he _thought_ he’d seen Jay, but it was the first time he was _definitely_ seeing him. And for a hallucination, he looked rather surprised to be seen.

“Jay?” He called out tentatively. His kept his voice muted, scared of using his full volume and solidifying the fact that he was trying to speak to an illusion. Illusion Jay looked at him and smiled wearily.

Niki made an aborted movement towards him, but when he blinked, Jay was gone, and his father was standing in his place. “Who are you talking to this time?” he said gruffly.

Niki averted his eyes. “No one,” he said under his breath. He didn’t know what he was more upset about— the part where he really was going crazy, or the part of him that still wished that illusion Jay had stayed a little longer.

“Where have you been?” His father’s voice was strangely calm, but not calm in the eerie way that it got just before he was getting ready to yell.

“Out with Rei,” Niki replied apprehensively.

“Stop talking to your sister, Riki,” his father sighed. Niki was used to hearing this, but it was usually said in a snappy manner, or worse, with anger. His father’s newly relaxed demeanor gave him the courage he needed to speak up.

“Why?” Niki answered defiantly. “Someone makes one mistake, and you cut them out forever?” He found that once he started, he couldn't stop. The words were spilling out him without abandon, like blood from an old wound that had been reopened. “She won’t come home because of you, you know,” he continued relentlessly.

His father stared at him in shock. His son hadn’t talked back to him in years, and this was the lengthiest exchange they had had in what seemed like forever. “She’ll never come home because of you,” Niki said.

He wanted his words to hurt; because when Niki was hurt, he coped by lashing out and creating a mirror image of the pain that had been inflicted on himself. _Be like me. Feel like me._ He wanted his father to feel even a fraction of the pain he had endured— but he was still taken completely aback when the man began to cry.

He didn’t know what to do, just stood there frozen and helpless. Somehow the tears streaking down his face made this man unrecognizable to him. The vulnerability looked all wrong and out of place in this person who Niki knew to be hardened like stone. He was crying unrestrainedly like a child, and Niki wanted to look away; he felt ashamed, like it was wrong to even watch.

He didn’t think he would ever be able to understand his father; and his father would probably never understand him. But Niki was used to not being understood.

He saw something move out of the corner of his eye, and he turned to see Rei standing in the doorway, watching them silently. When she noticed him looking, she smiled at him sadly.

The weeping man either didn’t notice her, or didn’t acknowledge her. He never did.

\---

**I-Land: October 4th**

“Was that really necessary, hyung?”

“He shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” Heeseung replied without a hint of remorse. After leaving the apartment, he’d simply sat behind the wheel for a good minute, taking in deep breaths before his hands were steady enough to even turn the key in the ignition.

Heeseung generally felt that he had a calm demeanor, but he was more than aware of his volatile temper that flared up whenever his weak spot was targeted.

“He was hurt, Heeseungie. Try to understand,” his weak spot pleaded.

“How can you forgive so easily?” He asked Sunoo exasperatedly. Heeseung was appalled at Niki’s behavior. He cared for the boy, he really did, but he couldn’t stand by and watch Sunoo be verbally attacked.

“The key to being forgiving, is to not be so quick to jump to anger in the first place,” Sunoo replied sagely.

Heeseung clenched his jaw. “Some people don’t deserve your forgiveness.” He thought for a moment, then added, “Some people don’t deserve you.”

“You don’t think anyone deserves me,” Sunoo said with a small laugh.

_I deserve you_ , Heeseung wanted to say. But he didn’t believe that was true either. Sunoo was someone who had always been by his side, but was in many ways, untouchable. He would always be out of reach, a shining light that was too bright for Heeseung to bear.

“Will you be okay?” he had to ask. They were minutes away from the hospital now, Heeseung realized with trepidation. Despite his question, he was the one who was feeling sick with nerves.

This was one of the few places where Heeseung rarely accompanied Sunoo to. Partly because the boy insisted on visiting alone. The other part of the reason was Heeseung’s feelings towards the person he was visiting.

“I’m okay,” Sunoo sighed. “I’ve always been okay. But she’s— she’s my mother, you know. I still have to say goodbye.”

Heeseung understood, though not on a personal level. He wasn’t particularly close with his parents, nor was he estranged from them. They had always let him do whatever he wanted, and provided for him when needed. But when Heeseung thought of family, Sunoo was the person who came to mind.

She was awake when they entered the room. She had an oxygen mask over her face, which misted up as she took laborious breaths in and out. Above the mask, her eyes widened when she saw Sunoo. It was as if she hadn’t expected him to show up, to care. Heeseung thought she should really know her own son better by now.

She beckoned him over, and Sunoo took tentative steps forward until he was standing by the side of the bed, as close as he could get. Heeseung reluctantly watched by the door.

“Sunoo,” she whispered. Heeseung observed her warily. Her eyes were clouded with frost, and her voice carried like a faint wind whispering through the sparse leaves of a naked tree. Where Sunoo was sunshine, she was the absence of it. She was a woman of winter, with no warmth to give.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Heeseung blinked in surprise. That was the last thing he would have expected to come out of her mouth. She reached out with a tremulous hand to card through Sunoo’s hair. He was standing stock still, like he was afraid that if he moved by even a hair, she would realize what she was doing and withdraw.

“I love you.”

Sunoo let out a soft gasp. Heeseung would have too, if he had the heart to believe her. Maybe she meant it, maybe she didn’t. In the end, what really mattered was that Sunoo shouldn’t have been so surprised to hear the words.

Heeseung felt a pang of guilt. In all their years together, Heeseung had not held back when it came to showering Sunoo with his affections— but had he ever said “I love you”? He doubted that he had, but he also knew the reason why.

He considered that maybe Sunoo’s mother had never expressed her love because she had been fearful that she wouldn’t mean it. Heeseung knew that if he ever said those words to Sunoo, he would mean them too much.

He watched as Sunoo rested his head in her lap, thinking bitterly that in all of Sunoo’s visits to this place, late nights and sleeping over, this was the first time he had allowed himself to lay down on a bed.

Heeseung decided that he must be a horrible person. Despite her apologies, her soft words that came years too late, he hated her. He knew he shouldn’t, especially not in this kind of situation, but he did. He hated anyone that had ever caused Sunoo to hurt, and if that made him irrational, he didn’t care.

There were two things that Heeseung knew for sure: the first, was that there wasn’t anyone in the world who fully deserved his Sunoo. And the second, was that Heeseung would never even come close.

\---

**The Ground** ****

Sunoo slipped into Sunghoon and Jay’s room, and the latter of the two looked up in surprise from where he was sitting alone on his bed. The intent of his visit had been to check up on Jay, who he’d noticed had been steadily weakening, but he had hoped that he might run into Sunghoon as well.

No such luck. The grim reaper was as evasive as ever.

“Sunoo-ah,” Jay said happily. “To what do I owe this pleasure?” Despite his cheerful tone, Sunoo could see the weariness etched onto his face. He sat on the edge of the bed and took Jay’s hand in his. He didn’t know if he was imagining it, but the boy felt less solid to the touch than normal.

“Everyone is visiting me today,” Jay chuckled. “You’d think I was on my death bed,” he joked; but the humor of it was dampened by the fact that Jay _was_ lying in his bed, and he did look close to, well, death.

“I just wanted to let you know, if there’s anything I can do to make things easier for you…” Sunoo trailed off, not knowing exactly what he had to offer.

“Sweet Sunoo,” Jay sighed. He patted Sunoo’s hand, a whisper of a touch. “Just your presence has already given me plenty enough energy,” he said with a smile. “But you need to save some of that energy for yourself.” He looked at Sunoo meaningfully.

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently. Jay laughed.

“You’ve been down ever since you and Sunghoon started avoiding each other for whatever reason. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

Sunoo groaned. “I’m not even avoiding him. He’s the one avoiding me!”

“Funny,” Jay looked at him assessingly, “That’s what he said.”

“Ever since we got out memories back, things have been different. I think,” Sunoo gulped. “I think he blames me for the way he died. He doesn’t want to be around me anymore.”

Jay scoffed. “That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. I don’t think there’s ever been anyone Sunghoon has wanted to be around more.”

“Doesn’t seem like it,” Sunoo muttered. Despite Jay’s assurances he couldn’t help but feel disheartened everytime he tried to catch Sunghoon’s eye, only for the boy to quickly turn away, like he couldn’t bear the sight of him.

“And what about you?” Jay asked. “Do you want to be around him?”

“Of course I do,” Sunoo said softly. “That’s why I… I don’t care about my impediment anymore. I don’t care about moving on. I just want to stay here with all of you. With him.”

Jay looked at him in sympathy. “I’m sure he also—” Jay broke off and frowned, cocking his head to the side. Sunoo stared at him in confusion. But then he heard it too; the sound of raised voices. They both looked at each other.

“Sunghoon and Heeseung?” Sunoo said.

Jay nodded, and got to his feet, tugging Sunoo along with him by the hand he was still holding. “C’mon, let’s go see what those two are causing such a ruckus for.”

As they exited the room and walked down the hallway, the muffled words gained clarity. Sunghoon’s voice the louder of the two, while Heeseung’s replies came in a calm, measured tone.

Jay frowned and held out an arm to stop Sunoo from walking into sight. “Wait,” he whispered, tilting his head to listen.

“Why can’t you just tell him?” A voice yelled.

“Why does it matter so much to you whether or not Sunoo knows?”

Sunoo blinked in surprise. They were talking- no, arguing about him?

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sunghoon cried out. Sunoo wondered what had gotten the grim reaper so riled up, but his next words answered his question. “I don’t _want_ him here.”Jay stiffened next to him. Sunoo had trouble registering anything else.

His blood had frozen like ice in his veins, and he felt the pain wrack through him in a full body shudder. All his fears over the last few days of avoidance, confirmed.

Sunoo had spent hours agonizing over how he wanted to stay here in the Ground with Sunghoon; the one person, it seemed, who was desperate to drive him away.

“I don’t want him here,” Sunghoon repeated, as if the first time wasn’t enough to drive a knife into his heart. His voice was soft now, and he sounded almost gentle as he delivered the words that cut so deeply. “Anywhere but here.”

Sunoo stepped into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeseung be giving me second lead syndrome :')
> 
> Damn these last couple of chapters have been kind of tricky for me to write. Since they were very backstory-heavy and centered mainly around character building, I was worried at times that the story might be dragging. Sometimes I consider cutting parts out so that I can get to the more fast paced parts for readers to enjoy, but I ultimately kept those parts in because they felt important for the story I want to tell. 
> 
> All that being said, we're getting into the action now and shit's about to go down!! Thank you to everyone who has been supporting this fic and has stuck around until now. Your comments make me so happy and are the brightest part of my day <3
> 
> xoxo, Gem


	13. Burning Bridges

_“Life’s errors cry for the merciful beauty that can modulate their isolation into a harmony with the whole._  
 _Life, like a child, laughs, shaking the rattle of death as it runs._ "  
 ****

* * *

**I-Land: July** ****

Jake was becoming certain that he was a psychic.

The idea was laughable, and yet against all odds, all evidence pointed to it being true. Jake had always thought that it would be an amazing ability to have, being able to predict the future. Now the thought made him sick to his stomach.

His recurring nightmares of the car crash had disappeared as soon as that dream had encroached on his waking world; only to be replaced by a newer, more terrifying one.

He had never been one to remember his dreams in excruciating detail, only in glimpses and highlights. The few things that stuck out to him, the key events that he relived every night, were this:

He was driving on a bridge. Suddenly, his car would fill up with water. He would see Sunoo outside his window. Niki was always there, though it wasn’t clear what role the boy played. The water would fill his lungs, and Jake would wake up.

He had tried, at first, to play it off as just a dream, even though he should have known better by now. Jake rarely drove on bridges, and he had never seen the particular location featured in his dreams before. He had told himself that it was a made up place, a backdrop to an equally made up scenario.

Until today.

Jungwon called him that morning. He said that he wanted to visit Niki and check up on him, and was wondering if Jake wanted to come along. The younger boy hadn’t been answering either of their calls since what happened to Heeseung. They were both worried sick.

“Have you been to his house before?” Jungwon asked him.

“No,” Jake replied. He realized that while he had been to most of their houses, he had never even been invited to Niki’s. The boy seemed to try his best to keep his social and personal life separate. “Have you?”

“I have his address in case of emergencies. But I’ve never been. He would never let me pick him up,” Jungwon said, backing up Jake’s assumption.

Their youngest friend had always been a private person, almost in excess. He was plenty outgoing when he was with them, but clammed up when it came to his family or anything else that would reveal too much about himself.

Though Jake was curious, he had never pushed the matter and decided to just let him be. Nevertheless, he was worried about Niki. He had just lost Heeseung- a shiver ran through him every time he thought about it- he couldn’t lose one of the few people he had left.

“Are you coming?” Jungwon asked.

“I’ll pick you up in ten,” said Jake.

⥇

Jake knew better than to judge people based on their living conditions or where they lived. But even he was startled by how run down Niki’s house looked. Jungwon and him glanced at each other before knocking on the door.

It opened with a bang, and Jake and Jungwon leapt back in surprise. A man stood in the doorway, and without waiting for them to open their mouths, he snapped, “Niki isn’t home.”

“Do you know where he is?” Jake asked timidly. The man just looked at him, and he withered under the bruising glare.

“Is his sister in? We can leave a message for him,” Jungwon said. Niki’s father just scoffed at them.

“Crazy friends,” he grumbled under his breath, and retreated back through the doorway before swinging the door shut in their faces. They stared at it uncomprehendingly for a few moments.

Jake blinked in shock. “What just happened?” he said out loud, still staring at the door in disbelief.

Jungwon shook his head, just as baffled. “I can see why he’s not home,” he muttered to himself. He sighed. “C’mon Jakey, let’s go.” With one last look in the direction of the house, Jake followed him.

He peeled out of the tight space between two cars he’d parallel parked into, while Jungwon typed in the address to his dorm on his navigation app.

“Let’s take a different route this time,” Jungwon said. “I think I found a shortcut.”

He set the navigation on speaker, letting the guide tell Jake which turns to take. It led him onto some narrow back-road behind Niki’s house that looked like it had been blocked off at one point. A torn metal fence lay haphazardly on the ground on the side of the trail, and Jake hoped he wasn’t intruding on someone’s private property.

Jungwon looked out the window contemplatively, as if only just now realizing where they were. “It’s strange that we’ve never visited before,” Jungwon said. “It’s so close to Jay’s house.”

“Is it really that strange?” Jake remarked. He thought of the brutish man who occupied the place they had just been to.

Jungwon laughed and shook his head. “I guess not.” He pursed his lips. “I knew there were… issues, but it’s another thing to see it,” he said quietly.

Jake nodded. And then he slammed on the brakes.

The car skidded several meters before coming to a halt with a loud screech. Jungwon’s body lurched forward and his forehead bounced off the dashboard. Jake stared at what lay ahead of him, feeling like he was floating somewhere just above his body.

Jungwon groaned in pain. “What the hell happened? Don’t tell me—” he broke off as he caught sight of Jake’s face, gone white as a ghost. “What’s wrong?” he asked carefully.

“Why is there a bridge?” Jake whispered.

“Huh?” Jungwon squinted at the road ahead of them, where the dirt road ended abruptly and gave way to rickety wooden planks. “Oh. I didn’t even know there was a creek here,” he observed. He gave Jake a weird look, probably wondering what had possessed the boy to nearly send him flying through the windshield.

Jake shook himself out of his panic induced fog. He took a deep breath to steady himself. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It was nothing.”

Jungwon continued looking at him curiously, rubbing the reddening welt on his forehead. Jake eased back onto the gas and drove the car slowly forward.

The bridge seemed sturdy enough, even as the car shuddered over the uneven planks of wood. Through the thin railings on either side of him, Jake could see the wide creek that ran below them. The water wasn’t turbulent, but it was hard to guage the depth.

Before he knew it, they had already crossed to the other side, and Jake let out the breath he’d been holding. His head spun as his lungs filled back up with the air he’d denied himself.

“Are you okay?” Jungwon asked him worriedly. He tightened his hands on the wheel, fingers turning white from the strength of his grip.

Jake was becoming certain that he was a psychic, because there was no other explanation for why he had seen this place in vivid detail in his dreams. This place that he had never been to before in his life.

What else from the nightmare would become real?

“I’m fine,” he said, though the words rang false in his ears. “Just fine.”

\---

**The Ground** ****

“Heeseung hyung.”

Heeseung looked up to see Sunghoon staring at him from his desk. He was visibly exhausted, but he had a look of fierce determination on his face.

“What is it, Hoon-ah?”

“I need to talk to you. About Sunoo.”

Heeseung inhaled sharply. He was wondering when this moment would come. Ever since Sunoo had revealed to him that he and Sunghoon had gotten their memories back, he knew it was only a matter of time before he was finally confronted about what he knew.

“You know how he died. Don’t you?” Sunghoon asked. Heeseung pressed his lips together tightly, as if the truth might escape him if he wasn’t careful enough.

Sunghoon could ask him anything. Any of them could ask him anything, and he would answer. But this was the one thing that would surely kill him if he was forced to say it out loud.

“Maybe,” he said, avoiding Sunghoon’s eyes.

“Stop being evasive,” Sunghoon snapped. Heeseung looked up in surprise, taken aback by his tone. “The cat’s already out of the bag. You can’t play dumb anymore.”

Heeseung sighed. “What do you want from me, Sunghoon? We’re already dead. These things shouldn’t matter.”

“Have you been completely tuned out the entire time you’ve been here?” Sunghoon asked in disbelief. “The one thing that Sunoo has been trying to figure out, is how he died.”

“That’s if he wants to move on.”

“He _has_ to!” Sunghoon exclaimed passionately. He sagged in his chair. “He has to.”

Heeseung wondered why his friend couldn’t just be happy that they were all here, together. He and Jay knew that there was no point in crossing over to the other side anymore, so why couldn’t they just stay here, as one unit?

But even he was growing worried the more time passed by. What was Jungwon doing? Why wasn’t anything changing? He couldn’t help but entertain the possibility that maybe their situation _was_ permanent this time, as much as the thought sent a shudder throughout his body.

And if that was the case, Sunghoon was right. If Heeseung was a selfless person, he would want Sunoo to move on. Jay had told him that he was the most selfless person he had ever met- but the longer Heeseung remained secretive to keep Sunoo by his side, the more he thought that his friend's assumption about him couldn’t be further from the truth.

He wished he could just cross over together with Sunoo. Like the rest of them, Heeseung's impediment had not been written on his name card. However, Heeseung knew exactly what it was— there was just one problem: an impediment had to be resolved. He was positive that he could reach the end of eternity, and still not find peace with himself.

Sunghoon was growing impatient at his silence. “Why can’t you just tell him?” His voice was growing in volume, echoing throughout the room. Heeseung winced as the words bounced off the walls, all too aware that Sunoo and Jay were just down the hall.

“Why does it matter so much to you whether or not Sunoo knows?” he deflected.But he already knew the answer. Maybe Sunghoon didn’t love Sunoo more than Heeseung did- he wasn’t sure that was even a possibility- but he did love him more selflessly. He wanted Sunoo to move on and find peace, even if it tore him apart to be away from him.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Sunghoon said, sounding defeated. He dragged a hand down his face in frustration. “I don’t _want_ him here.”

_But I do,_ Heeseung thought. _So, so much._ There had never been a “here” for him without Sunoo. Wherever he was, the boy was never too far away. Even in death, Heeseung had followed him immediately.

Their friends had always worried that Sunoo was too dependent on him, but it was really quite the opposite: it wasn’t Sunoo who couldn’t survive without him. It was Heeseung who didn’t know what to exist for without Sunoo.

“I don’t want him here,” Sunghoon repeated. “Anywhere but here.”

Heeseung decided that enough was enough. He would come clean to Sunghoon about the time loop. He would tell him that they didn’t _have_ to be here, that there was a possibility, a scenario where they could all be alive and together, outside of the Ground. “Sunghoon,” he began.

And then the worst thing happened.

Sunoo entered the room, and the words died on Heeseung’s tongue. He sucked in a breath.

The boy’s cheeks were pink and his eyes were gleaming wet, hurt and anger battling for dominance on his face. There was something hard in his expression, and it looked like he had stormed in with a purpose.

And he was staring straight at Sunghoon.

\---

**I-Land** ****

Jungwon sat on the floor of his tiny dorm room, a box of polaroids upended around him. He had taken countless photographs of various things and people over the years; pictures were keepsakes, memories of moments captured frozen in time.

He mostly took pictures of his friends, because the memories they shared together were the most important to him. These pictures were supposed to be something they looked back on together, not something that Jungwon pulled out and stared at alone for hours on end. But as it was, they were the only things he had left of the people in them.

He usually used a more professional grade camera, the one that Jay had bought for him, but now and then he would stash his polaroid in his backpack and snap a few shots. He’d just recently found a box of them stashed away in one of his drawers, and he now looked over the random assortment of pictures taken over the span of a few years.

The first one, the oldest of all, was taken on the first day they’d all met at the dance studio. Jungwon had dragged Jay to the roof, and the boy had immediately climbed up onto the ledge. Always so brave, and so stupid.The light had turned his hair gold, standing out starkly against the vivid blue sky. Jungwon had thought he looked so beautiful in that moment. Jay caught him staring, but he didn’t care. He took the photo.

There was one of Sunoo too, also from a couple of years back. It was the day he had offered to help Jungwon practice his portraits, when they were all hanging out at the pond. Sunoo had been sitting precariously on the railing of the small bridge that stretched from one side of the pond to the other. Jungwon had somehow snapped a photo of the exact moment the boy lost his balance and fell in.

Then there was Heeseung. It was the most recent one from just a couple of weeks ago, when he had come to pick Jungwon up from the hospital. Jungwon had been so startled to see that mint green pickup truck, and even more surprised to see the boy it belonged to. He had raised his camera up to his eye, and taken the picture through the rain.

At the bottom of the pile was a picture of Niki. It was taken on the day that he had gotten caught shoplifting, after Heeseung bailed them out of trouble. Jungwon had taken the boy back to his dorm to cheer him up. There was a tall gate surrounding the building, and Niki had darted behind it and poked his head between two bars. He stuck his tongue out at Jungwon, and Jungwon snapped a photo.

Niki jogged over to look at the result. “I look like I’m in jail,” he complained.

Jungwon scowled at him. “That could’ve been you today,” he said.

“I’m innocent,” the boy shrieked, running away while laughing at the top of his lungs.It had been one of the rare times since Jay died that Jungwon had seen him laughing.

Looking at the polaroids all spread out like this, Jungwon noticed something. The floor tilted beneath him.

Jay on top of the roof. Sunoo falling into the water. Heeseung in front of a car.

It was like some morbid joke had woven its way into the thing he loved doing the most. He was looking at these photos with a new lens, and realizing this must be how Jake felt every time he had a dream. His friend thought that every nightmare he had was a horrific preview of what was to come. His greatest fear was that his dreams were a prediction of the future.

Staring down at these random shots, all linked together by a common thread, Jungwon realized that he had been predicting the future for years.

\---

**_Two weeks earlier_ ** ****

“Heeseung hyung,” Jungwon exclaimed. It was late, and the last thing he had expected was frantic knocking at his door at this hour. When he opened it, Heeseung was standing there with bloodshot eyes.

“Jungwonie,” he said. “Can I come in?”

Jungwon silently opened the door wider and stepped aside. Heeseung pushed past him and immediately plopped down onto his bed. He buried his head in his hands.

“Hyung, is something the matter? Is there an emergency?” He asked worriedly.

“No, no,” Heeseung shook his head rapidly, but he sounded distracted and his breaths were erratic. “I just— I don’t know how much longer I can take this.” His voice sounded small, cracking on each word. His nose sounded blocked and Jungwon wondered if he had been crying. He didn’t know if he’d ever heard the usually calm and collected boy quite this distraught.

He took a seat next to him. Heeseung rested his head on Jungwon’s shoulder, breathing heavily. “Why is nothing happening, Wonie? After you got the letters, I thought— but Sunoo still hasn’t woken up, he _won’t_ wake up, until…”

_Until you can reset the timeline._ The unspoken words hung in the air between them. “Why aren’t you doing anything?” Heeseung whispered. He didn’t sound accusing, just frightened. “Why is it still like this?”

Even though Jungwon was helpless, he still felt guilty. “I’ve done as much as I can, hyung. There’s nothing left for me to do.”

He really had done as much as he possibly could. After formulating his theory about Sunghoon’s death, he’d started looking into who might have possibly held a personal grudge against the boy. As it turned out, when you’re a well known professional athlete, the list ran quite long.

Besides, even if he could find Sunghoon’s killer, and the man was convicted, none of it mattered anymore in the present. Sunghoon was already dead in this timeline. And Jungwon could do little to prevent him dying in the next one until it actually restarted.

Heeseung’s mouth twisted, and he suddenly looked bitter. “Complacency is a drug, Wonie.”

“I’m sober,” Jungwon replied dryly. He didn’t take offense to Heeseung’s words. He knew that they were directed as much at himself as they were to Jungwon, maybe even more so. Heeseung probably felt complacent too; with Sunoo lying in bed, unconscious with no signs of waking up, the older boy had no purpose anymore.

He sighed. He stroked Heeseung’s hair gently, as if he were a child. There were times when the boy seemed younger than he was, a fragile innocence that was often masked by his need to look after everyone as the eldest.

Now that Heeseung was running out of people to look after, all that was left was a frightened young boy who just wanted to be held too. Jungwon pulled him tighter to him.

“In his letters, Jay said… he said the timeline only resets under one circumstance,” he said. He bit his lip, afraid of the implications. “When all hope is lost.”

“What?” Heeseung looked up at him from under moist eyelashes.

“It will only reset when all is lost,” Jungwon repeated. “When there's not an ounce of hope left.”

The ominous words hung in the air, echoing in their ears. Both of them were thinking the same thing— what more was there to lose?

Heeseung was quiet, and for a while all Jungwon could hear was the sound of his staggered breathing. “I don’t know what that means,” he finally said. “For me, every day that Sunoo is asleep is a day without hope.”

Jungwon knew how he felt. His best friend, the boy that he loved, the boy that had always been by his side, had been absent from his life for months. He had left too soon, without notice. It wasn't fair. It had been his birthday.

Sometimes he would lie down and wonder what he was still living for. Surely there was no beauty to be found in a world that had taken Jay away from him.

“Hyung,” Jungwon sighed, leaning his head on top of Heeseung’s. “I haven’t had a day of hope since April 20th.”

\---

**The Ground** ****

Sunghoon froze. He and Sunoo were staring straight at each other for the first time in days, but this time he was unable to tear his eyes away. He had not been on the receiving end of it before, so Sunghoon had forgotten just how deadly Sunoo’s gaze could be when he was truly upset.

He didn’t think he had ever seen the boy this upset, ever. His face was red and splotchy, the anger blooming high in his cheeks.

“If you don’t want me here,” Sunoo said, his voice shaking, “just go ahead and make me disappear then.” Heeseung and Jay looked at him in shock. Sunghoon felt a lurching feeling like all the air had been punched out of him.

“Sunoo,” Jay said sharply, looking worried.Sunghoon hadn’t even noticed him standing there. He suddenly had tunnel vision, and could focus only on the boy in front of him. He remained petrified, frozen under those brown eyes that would usually melt him.

He didn’t know how much Sunoo had heard, but he knew that based on his emotional response, his interpretation of Sunghoon’s words were far from the truth.

Sunoo seemed to have somehow gotten it into his head that Sunghoon didn’t want him here. The idea was laughable, really. But Sunghoon didn’t know whether he should put in the energy needed to convince Sunoo otherwise, or let it be. If he thought that Sunghoon hated him, maybe it would be easier for him to leave.

“Sunoo, I—”

“Since you’re so desperate to get rid of me, just do it already. I know you can,” he laughed bitterly.

Sunghoon clenched his jaw. He knew what the boy was alluding to. Even if Sunghoon was trying to conceal his true feelings right now, he wouldn’t even entertain the idea that he would do such a thing. He had been incapable of doing it once before. And that was with a stranger, a little girl he barely knew. There was not even a glimmer of a possibility that he could bring himself to do it to Sunoo. 

“I’m not going to do that, Sunoo. Don’t ever ask me that again,” he said through gritted teeth. The fact that Sunoo thought he would, that he could even think to ask him, hurt. It hurt so, so much.

Sunghoon would always be underestimated in his eyes. Sunoo would always believe him to care less than he did. From the very beginning, he had thought that Sunghoon hated him. It was true that he had pushed the younger boy away, but he wanted nothing more than to shake him and tell him the real reason why.

It wasn’t because Sunghoon hadn't liked him. It was because he had been afraid of liking him _too much,_ and now look what happened— couldn’t Sunoo see?

“Don’t pretend to care now,” Sunoo snarled. His usually gentle and soothing voice was laced with poison, and it sounded wrong, all wrong. Sunghoon wanted to gather the boy into his arms and stroke his hair, tell him that he didn’t want him to go anywhere. He couldn’t even speak.

Sunoo whirled on Heeseung. “You know how I died. Sunghoon over here has been begging you to tell me, hasn’t he?” Sunghoon flinched at the mention of his name. Usually Sunoo said his name like it was something sweet he was savoring; now he just spat it out as quickly as possible, a dirty word that he was ashamed to say out loud.

“Tell me now,” Sunoo continued wildly. “So I can move on,” he shot Sunghoon a withering glare, “and be out of everyone’s way once and for all.”

Heeseung was pale, shaking his head back and forth relentlessly. “Sunoo, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” His eyes were wide, and Sunghoon almost felt sorry for him. He must be torn between wanting to keep this last remaining secret hidden forever, and not being able to refuse Sunoo anything.

Sunoo lost it. “Why the _hell_ not? You know who killed me,” he said forcefully. “Don’t you?”

“Sunoo,” Jay said gently, laying a hand on Sunoo’s shoulder. The boy didn’t seem to feel it. Jay seemed to want to calm Sunoo down, but Sunoo was a force to be reckoned with right now, while Jay’s force was a dying flame.

Heeseung slowly nodded. “I do.” His voice shook.

A gleam shone on Sunoo’s face and Sunghoon realized it was the reflection of the light from the window highlighting the tear tracks on his cheeks. Sunoo would reach that light himself soon enough. The thought made Sunghoon feel like crying as well. 

“Tell me, hyung,” Sunoo whispered. It was the exact opposite of the request he had made of Heeseung just a few days before. “Just tell me. Who killed me?” He stared at his best friend, the person he trusted more than anyone, and waited for his answer with bated breath.

Sunghoon watched them both, transfixed.

Heeseung closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, and when he opened them again, his face was slack. There was only emptiness behind his expression, like he couldn’t bear to feel any emotion as he delivered the answer like it was a death sentence. He looked Sunoo directly in the eye.

“I did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did u guys see it coming heh heh 
> 
> also I literally had a dream about sunseung last night omg is this a sign I should write a fanfic about them o.O

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This story involves some non-chronological storytelling, so the events in 'I-Land' and the 'Ground' are not necessarily happening synchronously. Basically, everything happening in the Ground will be told in chronological order, while the story being told in I-Land will skip around a lot, so it's important to watch out for the dates.


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